Having special needs child while birthing

[naturals]

Hello Moms,

Hubby and I are both contemplating whether to have our 4.5 year old daughter with us during the birth of our new child in June.I am planning on a hospital VBAC and have registered help with a doula who also will be having her assistant shadowing her to help out during the entire time. We dont have any family around or coming in to help with the birth and also dont have anyone trusty to unconditionally not judgemental to drop DD for extended periods of time( dont know how long the labor will last).

My husband feels she is not ready for telling her about birth and showing her videos of birth to prepare her as she scripts and talks about things that are told to her or keeps repeating things for eg yesterday she has asked me atleast 5 times whther we have diapers for the baby. I am personally ok with her repeating things. If she goes to school and starts talking about birth and placenta coming out.I can live with it but my hubby isnt comfy with it at all.

I just need some ideas and experiences here with you about how you have handled or will handle it. I would really like her to be around me as I dont wanna worry at that time about her whereabouts and safety with others.

Thanks,

Pari.

[Fay]

I had a hospital VBAC when my DS1 was 5.  I labored at home for as long as possible, then met my doula at the hospital while DH stayed home with DS1.  My in-laws were staying with us to "help out," but we know from experience that we really can't trust them with kids.  After DS1 was asleep in bed, my DH arrived at the hospital and witnessed DS2's birth, but he had to leave the hospital to go home when DS2 was 1 hour old.  He came back for frequent visits while I was in the hospital.

[NiteNicole]

You may need to check your hospital policy - most of them require that you have an adult assigned to the child if you're planning to have them with you. 

Congratulations!

[Guinevere]

Congratulations! :)

It sounds like the ideal solution would be to have someone "on call" who could come and stay with your DD at home (if you are in labor at night and she would otherwise be sleeping) or accompany you to the hospital and entertain her there if you end up birthing during the day. I would not rely on the doula or her apprentice for childcare without expressly discussing that with them ahead of time; many doulas feel that providing valuable birth support to a mother during labor means being able to focus exclusively on the mama, not on being a babysitter. And really, their expertise in labor support for YOU is why you've hired them, and what they are trained to do.

Depending on how you envision your DH's role in the birth, he could be the one to supervise your DD at the hospital, but even if you are comfortable with having him take on that dual role, HE may well want to be able to focus on the birth and meeting his new baby, which is also understandable.

I do understand your concerns. We also live far away from family, and have had to rely on friends/sitters in the past to help out with our other children when I have gone into labor (I have never been able to successfully homebirth b/c of pg complications, unfortunately.) I have been fortunate enough to have most of my births take place at night, when I could leave the kids at home with fewer concerns. When I gave birth last time (mid-morning induction due to HELLP syndrome, also my VBAC baby :D), my DD with SN was in preschool for most of my labor -- my DH left me long enough to go pick her and the other children up from school and transport them home (where my mom, who was visiting at the time, was waiting) and then returned to the hospital with about 20 mins. to spare before the birth.

Hugs. I think this issue is a great source of stress to many families who need to hospital birth for whatever reason and who have young children and limited/no family resources for childcare.

Although this advice may well come too late to be of help in your birth, you may really want to consider cultivating a trusted sitter for your DD that you can rely on for some downtime during the post-partum period. Have someone come to your house while you're there for a few hours the first time, have a detailed discussion about your DD's needs, observe while she interacts with your DD, then the next time you might leave for 20 mins. and run a brief errand, the next time for an hour, building your way up to being able to take a much-deserved break. While I know this isn't easy to do, I can say that for me, the peace of mind it brings to know I have someone I trust and can call to watch my kids is really worth the effort to search for the right person.

Guin

[naturals]

Thanks Guin and all moms who posted. Basically DH will stay with my daughter if its night time.I am relying on the doula for supporting me and if things dont work out in the hospital then both DH and DD will come back home. I personally dont want DH to miss the birth but if things get rough then thats the only option we have.