How do you filter out what others choose as there parenting method?

[clementinebliss]

Even before my bright and bubbly daughter Clementine was born 6 months ago, I have had the hardest time feeling completely comfortable with our parenting method. My husband and I know several people who go with the "Baby Wise" method, but we were both raised by attachment parenting mothers. Although we are very laid-back unscheduled people, we thought that we would become "Baby Wise," because the results sounded seem-less. We did not read the entire book, but I believe have a fair knowledge of its program. However, when our first babe was born we just couldn't (and still can't) let our little love cry! We also agree with attachment parenting and love the bonding we have with our child. I have to say though that I will feel so confident about the way we parent until another parent (typically doing "baby wise" or another similar method) makes me feel like what I am doing is wrong, or that my baby should already be sleeping through the night, or taking better naps, be on a more rigid schedule,or be falling asleep on their own...the list goes on and on. And after a confrontation like this, I may feel like they are right, or try to apply their schedule-but ultimately find there way is too hard (mainly the letting my baby cry part).

So, I was wondering if any of you have had this same dilema? What have you done to focus on what your method and tone out the crowd of "baby-wisers?" Also what are some good resources in support of AP?

[callahansmama]

I do know how you feel in a lot of ways. As a teacher and early childhood educator, I always loved kids and wanted to be a parent. I didn't give my parenting style a lot of thought until I was a parent though. I didn't know how hard it would be and that I would feel so much love for this little guy and so opposed to hearing him cry and to doing what so many parents swear by (cry it out, formula/early cereal feeding to get more sleep...)

I could easily (well maybe not easily but I could probably) let someone elses child cry at 5 minute intervals until they fell asleep, but not my own. Some of the theories about sleep associations... make sense on paper but my child doesn't fit that mold and neither do I. Some babies will just lay in their crib and look at a mobile until they falls asleep. Not mine, not since he was born. He needs me as his parent and I am there for him no matter what.

 In the hospital, less than 12 hours after my son was born, the nurses were telling me that he was "using me as a pacifier" and that it was a slippery slope and even making me feel like there was something wrong when my child cried at night and the only thing that calm him down was nursing. I knew that these things couldn't be true or at least that I didn't feel they were but I felt bombarded by all these ideas right from the very beginning and I was still developing an idea of what kind of mother I would be and what my child needed from me.

I have come to realize (after many, many hours of thinking and re-thinking and analyzing and feeling like a fool or a bad mother...) that I have to do what feels right for me and my baby and that it may result in less sleep, more demands on my time, misunderstandings by others (family included), but that I only hurt myself when I try to conform or compare myself to moms who are on a completely different page than I am. It took a long time to get to this point (and I'm not even really completely there all day everyday) Best of luck with your beautiful daughter!

[laohaire]

For me, it's been such a blessing to surround myself almost exclusively with people who parent as we do. I know that's not always possible, but for us it was (we live far from any family, and were able to build our friendships from scratch). As a result, I feel almost immune to the opinions of others. Like if my cousin (who I see once a year) says "she's not in her own bed YET???" I can really just shrug, secure in the knowledge that many of DD's friends are not in their own beds yet either. I don't have to convince my cousin; I just don't feel defensive about it as I would if I were the ONLY ONE.

Also what are some good resources in support of AP?

Hahahaha, THIS IS IT!!! You've arrived!!!!!!!!!!!! Mothering.com (MDC) is a HUGE community, solely dedicated to supporting each other in attachment parenting! We guarantee to make you feel UTTERLY SANE in comparison to many of us!!! Welcome :)

ETA: ADORABLE baby you've got there :)

And I wanted to add that keeping your goalposts in mind really helps. Your friends have different goal posts than you do. They want to reach certain arbitrary milestones (like sleeping through the night) by certain arbitrary dates. They are not interested in what is best for the child - or maybe that's harsh, I'm sure they really are, but they are focused not on the ultimate result but just on short-term goals that many people and cultures don't even value. So if your friend says "well, MY daughter was sleeping through the night by 2 months" you might pause to envy her sleep a little, but then look at your daughter and know that a 5 hour stretch of sleep tonight is not worth the loss in attachment and security in the long run.

[gardenmommy]

Well, I can totally relate, because I was in your shoes 12 years ago when my first was born.  All the parents in our church followed the Growing Kids God's Way (church version of babywise), and DH and I just didn't feel right about it.  We followed our hearts, and listened to our DS's needs.  He was (and still is, in many respects) an intense, high-needs child who just wasn't able to fit in the mold of the baby-wise ideal.  I joined LLL and MDC, and surrounded myself as much as possible with those who chose more of an attached lifestyle.  We have 5 children now, and I can't say that we are totally AP, but we still believe that it is essential to listen to our children, respect their needs, and not get hung up on details like schedules and other peoples' expectations.   

It is challenging to find your way as a new parent.  Everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing, what you are doing wrong, and how you could improve.  The challenge is to trust the instincts that God has given each mother, to not worry about everyone else's opinion, and to truly listen to your child.  Your baby will tell you what she needs, what she is capable of, so listen to her.  Have faith in what you know is right for your family, and let everything else roll off your back.

The best piece of advice given me as a new mom was "smile and nod when others give you advice, then go home and do what YOU want to do with YOUR baby."

[Mom_enjoying_life]

It has taken me a long time to be able to tune out parents of other parenting styles.  When DS1 was younger I used to try and talk to them about my choices and almost convince them it was the way to go.  It lost me some friends.  So now I might make gentle suggestions here and there about what we do or have done, but don't get caught up in it.  If someone really upsets me, I will go home and talk to DH about it.  We often sit down together and compare how we are parenting to how others tell us we should be parenting.  It makes us feel a lot better about what we are doing and gives us both a solid front to others that try and convince us otherwise.  For me, knowing DH and I are on the complete same page makes everyone elses opinions not matter.  And I agree with the above, smile and nod if all else fails!!  :)

[gardenmommy]

Yes!  I agree with this!  I used to to much the same thing wrt to trying to convince people that my way was right, and soforth.  However, it just left me feeling drained and frustrated.  DH gently encouraged me to just let it alone, and I've learned to do that, although it's hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, lol.  He has no problem listening to me vent about something after the fact, so that helps.  It does get easier to tune out people, but even now, almost 13 years into being a mama, it is hard sometimes.  Just be kind to yourself, and love your sweet baby!

Originally Posted by Mom_enjoying_life 

It has taken me a long time to be able to tune out parents of other parenting styles.  When DS1 was younger I used to try and talk to them about my choices and almost convince them it was the way to go.  It lost me some friends.  So now I might make gentle suggestions here and there about what we do or have done, but don't get caught up in it.  If someone really upsets me, I will go home and talk to DH about it.  We often sit down together and compare how we are parenting to how others tell us we should be parenting.  It makes us feel a lot better about what we are doing and gives us both a solid front to others that try and convince us otherwise.  For me, knowing DH and I are on the complete same page makes everyone elses opinions not matter.  And I agree with the above, smile and nod if all else fails!!  :)

[whozeyermamma]

I think it gets easier and easier to tune it out the more comfortable you get with your decisions. I honestly don't care what people do with their own kids - I might not agree with it and I might think deep down that it's "wrong" but short of abuse I don't get too bent out of shape over what they do and I don't care what others think about what I do.

This comes with time and experience and the knowledge in your heart that you are doing what is right for YOU and YOUR family.

It is hard when others around you make different choices - but I think when you get very comfortable in your position, you feel less defensive and that leads to less conflict. I know that it's easier with my inlaws this time around because I'm not as offended when they suggest I CIO/give solids at 4 mo/give meat/wean/introduce formula - whatever. They suggest and I say "no thanks" and there's really no rancor in my heart over it. 

I have some non-AP friends and some AP friends - and I know who I can go to for what. I don't talk about sleep with non AP people b/c the suggestion is always "well, you just got to let him cry." Not happening. My AP friends will listen to me complain and know that CIO is not an option.

oh and this is very wise!: 

"And I wanted to add that keeping your goalposts in mind really helps. Your friends have different goal posts than you do. They want to reach certain arbitrary milestones (like sleeping through the night) by certain arbitrary dates. They are not interested in what is best for the child - or maybe that's harsh, I'm sure they really are, but they are focused not on the ultimate result but just on short-term goals that many people and cultures don't even value. So if your friend says "well, MY daughter was sleeping through the night by 2 months" you might pause to envy her sleep a little, but then look at your daughter and know that a 5 hour stretch of sleep tonight is not worth the loss in attachment and security in the long run."

[MamaMunchkin]

Sometimes it's hard - esp. in the beginning, when I newly became a parent.  

Whenever I hear something that's totally opposite of my choices, the knee-jerk reactions are there, and probably will always be - but short of abusive behaviors, I do try to remind myself that I really don't know why others decide to do whatever.  If I had - exactly - the same life experiences like those other parents do, would I have made the same choice?  In many cases, I honestly don't know.  

I also realize my parenting choices have evolved over the years - I've learnt from my own journey and also from others that are, sometimes polar opposite - and sometimes have developed an appreciation of those other choices.

One last thing - the element of luck.  It's partly a matter of luck that I learnt about AP - I can easily imagine that I might never run into this style of parenting for various reasons and didn't even know it's an option.  Some of those parents with different choices may just never be exposed to it for whatever reasons.

I guess my point is - it's possible we just don't know enough to understand why they do what they do.

Edited by MamaMunchkin - 4/9/11 at 8:09pm

[gardenmommy]

All very good advice, put very much better than I could!

[ShanaV]

Make this site your new homepage. You'll find there are so many other moms and families dealing with the same struggles as you are, and learn about all the many ways to deal with it.

Also go to a LLL meeting in your area of you want to meet up with other mamas in person.

[new2this]

For me I by removing titles of parenting has helped and looking at that they love their kids just as much as I love mine and they are doing what they feel is best for them and their families. Some areas I have a hard time with but overall as long as they are not endangering their child's life I let it be. I don't come off as my way is better or right because when it comes down to it no matter how much we feel our way is the only right way its not. DH and I parent way different then the way we grew up so we get a lot of advice but so far everyone has respected our choices. I also don't talk about certain things with other people. 

[Calliope84]

One thing I've done is spend A LOT of time on forums online. These forums, the babywearing forums, cloth diaper forums... my doula introduced me to local natural parenting / attachment parenting groups and I've been on their forums, too. Eventually I will go to some events and actually meet these folks! lol 

I did so much research on this stuff that no one can make me feel like my parenting choices are somehow inferior. I have not seen ANY scientific research that ever supported the idea that letting a baby CIO or sleep away from its mother was a beneficial thing for the baby. I have seen a lot of research that supports APing, however. The first two months of my daughter's life I was a bit shaken when my family would make comments about me co-sleeping with DD or wearing her. (They said I am spoiling her / co-sleeping is dangerous etc.) But Avalon is definitely a high needs baby (as outlined in Dr. Sear's book, anyway) and she has absolutely thrived with this method of parenting. I have thrived, too, as a mom. I feel so confident in my ability as Avalon's mom because when she is upset I know her well enough to help her calm down. I don't need to panic if she starts screaming in public. I know what to do now and I hope this method of parenting helps me stay in touch with that as she grows and changes.

Someone asked me yesterday if she sleeps through the night yet and I said, "Well, I feed her 2 or 3 times a night, but she sleeps with us so I don't even need to get out of bed." Then I added,  If you are asking if I am tired... I'm not at all!!!" because I realized it is true. I am not really tired anymore like I was for the first 6-8 weeks. Those were some really tough weeks with breastfeeding and everything.

I went to the pediatrician's with my 23yr old sister and I was wearing DD in a wrap. My sister was so embarrassed and asked me why I was "wearing that thing out." I was so baffled that she would think it was that strange. I can't even use a stroller right now. It just feels so awkward. Why do people carry and push their children around in plastic buckets? Spending so much time on the babywearing forums and buying my fair share of carriers really normalized it for me. I also know it is good for a baby to be worn.

Find other people who think like you do and take your cues from them. I read BabyWise too and it really bugged me. My doula actually buys copies of that book from goodwill and feeds them to her fireplace. 

[Adasmommy]

This is a great resource: http://www.drmomma.org/

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/10/babywise.html

I am on Facebook and am a fan of various peaceful parenting type pages so I get links and articles all the time that back me up and validate my choices.  It really helps to have those coming in constantly, as well as the stuff from the rest of the world.  I don't read half of them that come my way, but just seeing the titles bolsters me, and sometimes there is one that is very timely for restoring my faith!

It's also a good idea to have your own list of what your baby "should" be doing so you can remind yourself why you're not trying to get her to sleep through the night.  It might have things on it like "she should know that I will always be there for her" and "she should know that she is cared for until she is old enough to care for herself" or "she should trust that I love her as much at night as during the day" or whatever is more important to you than "she should sleep through the night."

[2lilsweetfoxes]

With my first child, I got "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" before she was born.  I know what you mean about "Babywise", because, for someone expecting their first child, no experience, it made a lot of sense:  follow this formula and your baby will be seamlessly integrated into family life.  AP was derided as "accidental parenting".  I would "start as I meant to go on":  baby sleep in her own bed from day one, we would follow "E.A.S.Y." (eat, activity, sleep, you time while baby sleeps).  Our lives would be regular.  Well, DD didn't quite get the message.  She would only sleep in the crook of my arm.  If we did the EASY, she was on a 60 to 90 minute rotation--she'd eat for 15-20 minutes, we'd do an activity for about 30 before she was showing signs of tiredness, then I'd place her for a nap, but she'd wake up hungry in about 30-45 minutes and get up grumpy, as if she hadn't slept enough.  Once I switched it to EAESY (eat, activity, eat, sleep, me-time), her naps stretched to about 60-90 minutes.  I'd get her on a "routine", then it would be Saturday and DH would want to do all kinds of stuff and her schedule would be messed up again. 

Then I found out about attachment parenting and it seemed to make more sense than stressing over her schedule and being furious at DH because he "did not respect The Schedule", making my job as mommy harder.  I'd just "go with the flow".  That just led to a confused, unhappy baby.  She didn't know what to expect when.  I didn't always know what was going on with her.  I discovered Babywise.  Ah, I realized that I was messing her up with AP.  I tried to implement BW, but DD wasn't having it.  We fell back into AP, not out of any true philosophical leanings at the time, but because it took "less work".  When I talk about having DD1 CIO, and how she'd scream for hours until she barfed, this was that period.

When I had my second child, I realized it was impossible to implement a schedule while DH was deployed and I was dealing with a toddler and a newborn at the same time.  So, what I did was "take from" each parenting method:  a loose routine of EAESY--which would look like EAEAEAESY by toddlerhood, DS was worn a lot because I could wear him and deal directly with DD.  I tried to pay attention to what my babies' personalities were and adjust my parenting to fit their needs.  DS needed a lot of direct touch to feel secure.  He was worn often.  You could not put that child on a schedule if you tried, but I liked them to kinda know what happens next.  His day was dictated by big sister's schedule. 

By the time I had baby #3, I'm a believer in "whatever works".  My youngest, the way I parent her is based upon her needs and personality, but it doesn't always "look" AP.  For example, she never co-slept.  Absolutely refuses to sleep unless she is in her own bed.  But, she would fuss a bit.  I'd be like "oh, noes, cannot let her CIO!", so I'd get her, rock and nurse her until she was good and drowsy and her eyes were closing, but she'd be screaming and arching her back.  Finally, one evening, her brother needed me for something urgent and so I set her in her crib.  She cried.  By the time I was done with DS, not 5 minutes later, she was asleep.  I tried it again the next night, on purpose this time.  She fussed for about 3-5 minutes and was out for the night.  I always paid attention to the fussing.  If it got beyond fussing, I'd get her up and we'd try again in a bit.  But, if I hit the sweet spot, there would be very little to no fussing.  (at her current age, I triage:  complaining that she does not want to go to sleep, she needs something, or is throwing a tantrum.  If it is anything but needs something, I don't always respond immediately, but take the wait and see approach)  DH is the SAHP now...I think he just lets her to her own devices and she plays until she gets cranky, then he offers her food, then she goes for a nap after lunch. 

The oldest has ADHD and thrives on a schedule (she's 10 next month); DS is autistic and schedules and routines are paramount (he's 8 in a couple months); and the baby just turned 2.  I think if DH got her onto a schedule/routine, she'd thrive.  She has non-specific sensory issues.  It is just easier, I guess, to let her play and he write.  It doesn't make much sense for me to try to get her onto a routine on the weekends (reverse of DD1).  We can't afford to put her into a preschool--even if I could find a 2 morning a week program for 2 year olds.  The local part-day preschool starts at age 3.  I'd love to put her into Montessori, but it is too far away to be convenient.

Edited by 2lilsweetfoxes - 4/16/11 at 3:59pm

[bluebackpacks]

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma 

I think it gets easier and easier to tune it out the more comfortable you get with your decisions. I honestly don't care what people do with their own kids - I might not agree with it and I might think deep down that it's "wrong" but short of abuse I don't get too bent out of shape over what they do and I don't care what others think about what I do.

[nstewart]

I don't talk to non-AP parents (which is pretty much all of my friends but 1!) about my parenting choices because I know they won't understand and I don't want their input or advice.  They wouldn't want mine either and so I don't offer it.

I see my DS thriving and I feel fulfilled as a mother in giving him what he needs.  This is not to say that I've never doubted myself, because I have, especially in the beginning.  But then I read up on parenting from an AP friendly source (such as here, or Dr. Sears, etc.) and I feel like what I am doing is right and the best thing for my DS.

Also, I agree with PP about luck and coming across AP accidentally.  Although I think it's how I would have instinctively parented anyway I feel like if I hadn't found support here and in other forums and in my own research and reading, I could easily have been swayed by friends who were on their 2nd child at the same time as I had my first and who "knew better" from experience that you should start formula at 6 months and sleep train at 7 months.

Ask yourself, "Am I happy as a mother?  Is my DD thriving?"  If the answer to those 2 questions is yes, then no one else's opinion matters.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

For us, the three big things have already been mentioned.  

1. Don't talk to your non-AP friends about parenting decisions that are controversial (i.e. vaccines, sleep, solids).  Chances are, they will look at you like you have 4 heads and it's hard not to question yourself. Just avoid when you can.  When you can't, keep your answers brief and vague - "she's sleeping great, thanks," "she sleeps exactly the amount a six month old is supposed to sleep, and doing great."  When you get unsolicited advice, just nod, smile, and ignore.   

2. Identify your goals and priorities.  For DH and I, we want a secure happy baby.  That comes before everything else.  It comes before my sleep, it comes before "me time," it comes before convenience.  I am unwilling to force my child to cry - which is the ONLY way she is capable of communicating - without responding immediately.  Now don't misunderstand, I am not saying that you should sacrifice your sanity to avoid crying at all costs. That's a recipe for disaster.  If you need 5 minutes in the bathroom alone and baby cries in her crib/pack n play, that's not the same thing to me at all.  What I am talking about is making my child cry while I am fully capable of meeting her needs and I choose not to.  

3. Get involved in a community of likeminded parents.  You've found them here at MDC - this place is such a goldmine I was so very blessed to find it while I was pregnant, I really depend on it to keep me feeling sane. Other good resources are babywearing groups and La Leche League meetups.  

Good luck mama!

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma 

I think it gets easier and easier to tune it out the more comfortable you get with your decisions. I honestly don't care what people do with their own kids - I might not agree with it and I might think deep down that it's "wrong" but short of abuse I don't get too bent out of shape over what they do and I don't care what others think about what I do.

Yup, I totally agree. I am comfortable in my parenting decisions, as my happy, healthy, secure and bright one year old is living proof of how this "durned hippie crap" works. 

Originally Posted by laohaire 

And I wanted to add that keeping your goalposts in mind really helps. Your friends have different goal posts than you do. They want to reach certain arbitrary milestones (like sleeping through the night) by certain arbitrary dates. They are not interested in what is best for the child - or maybe that's harsh, I'm sure they really are, but they are focused not on the ultimate result but just on short-term goals that many people and cultures don't even value. So if your friend says "well, MY daughter was sleeping through the night by 2 months" you might pause to envy her sleep a little, but then look at your daughter and know that a 5 hour stretch of sleep tonight is not worth the loss in attachment and security in the long run.

This right here really does sum it up beautifully. I try not to concern myself with what other people consider "milestones" like the sleeping thing. By a year old, Cecilia is sleeping through the night. That is celebration enough to me, and it came naturally and of her own volition. If she still needed to get up and nurse at night, that would be just fine with me, and it does happen from time to time. If someone bragged to me that their 2 month old was sleeping through the night because they have willpower, I'd smile nicely at them, and inside I'd be thinking, "My daughter has chosen to sleep through the night because I gave her the leeway to do so at her own pace, and I am thankful that *I* had the willpower to let her be her own person."