is anyone else in this weird place that is both relaxing yet guilt inducing?

[momma4fun]

i'm almost 30. i have 3 kids 10 and under. parenting 2 and 3 kids did not turn out at all as i expected.

with my first i was so excited to be a mother, would do anything for my child, really wore the stay at home mom badge proudly and was good at it! it was good work, and i wanted more kids to just come as they may.

but then the next two were back to back and i experienced post-partum depression after both, followed by a few really tough years of confusion and feeling so overwhelmed, isolated, underused but overused at the same time. i felt very imprisoned and prepared myself to get a job, and possibly go back to school, the second they were all in school.

so now, they're all in school! the house stays cleaner! the kids got sick a lot this winter and it was important that i was here. (jobs available to me wouldn't be very flexible for sick days.) i love having the time to myself which is something i have negative balance of. i could go back to school or get a job fairly easy now.

i know i HAVE to do something at some point to increase my career potential, it's just necessary over here. but i don't know when exactly and i think what will end up happening is that it will be a last minute thing like it kind of always is with me. roll eyes

so i sit in this boring limbo. i'm here and i'm enjoying some peace and doing some extra things that i really enjoy but feeling pretty lazy and scared of changing things. i feel like i should go after some passion and excitement to improve myself and my parenting skills but i'm afraid of the change of pace it will take to get there.

talk about a first world problem

can you relate?

[reezley]

Yes I can relate.  My older ds is in fulltime K this year, younger one in preschool three mornings a week.  So, on those kid-free mornings I get a taste of what you're talking about!  In another year and a half both with be in school full-time, and I plan to go back to work, but I don't know doing what.  I don't think I want a job in my old field, and I've been out of it for so long. So I am starting to think about (or think about thinking about...) what I would train in or study or do. I also have not been a big planner.... I like to take things as they come, and things usually have worked out pretty well, but I definitely feel the guilt of just enjoying this time so far. For a couple months at the beginning of the school I really felt like I deserved and needed a break after all these years of intense little-kid parenting.  But now, I'm feeling a little complacent about it and starting to take it for granted, feeling a little lazy if I, say, choose to do a little extra internet-surfing instead of a cleaning task in the house while I have the chance.  But, on the other hand, I get little breaks and I'm happier and I don't yell as much as I used to!

[momma4fun]

yeah that's what i have going on! my youngest is in preschool only 3 full days a week right now and will be on 5 half days next year. increasing childcare to cover that or to provide aftercare for all of them sounds like a pain in the butt, another scary bridge to cross at some point

i'm probably going to feel guilty no matter what happens!

i wish i had the inclination to just get it over with

[savannah smiles]

With one in school full-time and the other in preschool 3 mornings a week (who will start full-time K this fall), I've really been enjoying the "me time" that I get.  I do work from home part-time in a very flexible job so I do feel like I'm pulling my weight as well.  This morning, after dropping off dd2, I came home and napped for over 2 hours. Pure bliss!

[Jynuine]

 Im a photographer on the side and an uncertified doula- but for the most part Im just a 100% SAHM. If I had more time I would probably be doing some things on the side more often like photo shoots or taking on some pregnant clients.

I just have backup busyness. I have 3 in public school and I homeschool my eldest (6th grade) and have a 5 and 20 mos old at home. Im expecting our 7th in May so... I always have something going on, but yeah I DO feel guilty relaxing at times. PArenting overall is hard though. Maybe you might get involved in their school more though? That is something I would do if I had time...

[Chicky2]

I guess my plans are a bit different but I'm sort of in that place too.  I do not intend to go back to work outside the home, but have tons of plans to help earn money from home.  We have a homestead and we homeschool.  While the kids are doing their lessons each day (the parts they don't need my help on) I spend my time lately just reading and learning.  I'm learning about making $ off the things we grow/produce here on our homestead, such as candles, soaps, lotions, salves, rabbit pelts, etc.  Our retirement plan is to travel the flea market world and sell our wares.  Until retirement, these skills will be used for our family, and will of course save us $ for now.  I have spent so many years taking care of everyone, being pregnant, nursing, being up at all hours of the night w/sick children, caregiving for elderly family members, etc.  Sometimes I feel a bit of guilt that I'm able to enjoy the things I do w/my family, but dangit we have worked hard as a team to make these things happen.  I think there will always be days I felt like I could have accomplished more, but my dh assures me that I'm doing what our family needs.

I don't know.  I guess I am rambling.  I am enjoying having more time to pursue other interests, even though they are all FOR our family unit.

[becoming]

Well, I still have two at home, but I feel a lot like you, because my two at home are 5 1/2 and almost 4, and they play SO well together & really sort of resist any interference by me a lot of days.  So I sit & read while they play outside, or I watch TV while they play together in one of their rooms, etc.  I feel guilty about it, and I don't know why... they're happy, they're thriving, they're best friends, so I really don't need to be DOING anything else.  It just feels weird that I don't have any little babies who need tending to all the time anymore, I guess.

[Natalie12]

Um, no guilt here. I'm working like crazy. I have a five year old in preschool two days from 8:45-2, and one day from *;45-11:30, plus a six year old in school full time.

I volunteer, I organize, errands,I babysit my nephew and nieces once a week,  I work OTH very part time, Really, almost every minute I'm working.

[justinefbs]

I feel like i vacillate between feeling really guilty and feeling like a martyr! My son is in pre-school two mornings a week, and i usually use that time to do errands - not much me time (and sometimes i feel sorry for myself). Then again, my son is napping right now and i'm checking emails and watching a TV show I DVR'ed...and I feel guilty that my DH is hard at work at his office. I do work part-time from home, but I get to make my hours and i really like what I do. I dunno, I think moms just tend to beat themselves up about everything!

[momma4fun]

i think a lot of my confusion is stemming from knowing i waited so long to get to this point, where i would have more freedom to go back to school or look for work, and now that it's here, i'm procrastinating.

i hated being a sahm the past couple years. now i kind of like it again now that it's easy. but it makes me feel lazier than ever.

when i really sit and think about it, i'm kind of torn between -- this fall am i going to go full force with work or school?

or should i just get a part time job and remain mostly available at home? my mind wants me to go full force, our whole family will be better for me developing myself and a career in that way.

yet -- this lazy body of mine is kinda attracted to continue just getting by with the position i'm lucky enough to be in.

i don't know

[reezley]

Originally Posted by momma4fun 

i think a lot of my confusion is stemming from knowing i waited so long to get to this point, where i would have more freedom to go back to school or look for work, and now that it's here, i'm procrastinating.

i hated being a sahm the past couple years. now i kind of like it again now that it's easy. but it makes me feel lazier than ever.

when i really sit and think about it, i'm kind of torn between -- this fall am i going to go full force with work or school?

or should i just get a part time job and remain mostly available at home? my mind wants me to go full force, our whole family will be better for me developing myself and a career in that way.

yet -- this lazy body of mine is kinda attracted to continue just getting by with the position i'm lucky enough to be in.

i don't know

As I mentioned upthread, I am (or will be in a year) in a very similar spot.  Isn't there something in between "full-force" and "just a part-time job"?  Is there a way to take classes, do a job or whatever is developing you and fulfilling you in a new way, while doing it somewhat part-time so you're still available after school lets out?  For what it's worth, from your brief posts anyway, you don't sound like you want to just continue to be home without developing your career.  Someone else may see staying home as fulfilling personally, or the most important thing and the best choice for their family, but you don't seem to. (Or am I projecting?) :)