Cosleeping 2 yr old will only fall asleep for nap with daddy not mommy--Advice?

[lkmiscnet]

I'm at my wit's end. And this has been going on since I weaned 3 mo ago, since nursing to sleep worked like a charm and I no longer have that to rely on.

Our 2 yr old DS needs a daily nap, but try as I might to get him to fall asleep with me in bed, he will not, even after a couple of spaced out attempts. He gets very cranky and I know he needs to nap. It completely ruins dinner time and evenings because he melts down at dinner time and we end up putting him to bed at 5:30/6pm, but he treats that as a nap and wakes up after 3 hours. That leaves no quality time with dad in the evening.

Today, I spent an hour in bed with him this afternoon and he would not lay down. This, despite going on a 2 mile hike on hilly terrain in which he walked most of it a few hours prior.  I even tried to hug/cuddle him, but he just physically fights me. I am exhausted and chronically sleep deprived, since he wakes up kicking/crying 2-4 times a night, but am unable to get either of us to sleep during the day.

Now, his dad on the otherhand, can get him to sleep in 10-15 minutes. He just lays his hand on his chest and DS might cry momentarily, but he quickly calms down and falls asleep. DS doesn't fight him, etc. That never works for me. In fact, DH now is responsible for getting DS to sleep every night for the same reason. It would take me 1-2 hours of just laying in bed with an uncooperative child. I then take over when I go to bed. DH sleeps in a separate room since he has to be able to function at work.

I am so frustrated!  DH happened to come home early today after I had just spent an hour in bed trying to get DS to sleep, and he whisked DS off to bed, and reappeared in 10 min, after successfully getting DS to sleep.

AARGH!  Why the different response?

[blackannis]

Different caregivers have different methods for the same child--it's just one of those things. When I'm putting him down, my son insists on nursing, then cuddling before falling asleep. With Daddy, it's just cuddling, then being put down in his bed and having his back patted. With Grammy, it's either snuggling and falling asleep on her shoulder, or sitting next to her on the couch "reading" a book until he just falls asleep. Sometimes we can use each others' methods (aside from the nursing, of course ) and sometimes we can't.

So are you an entirely family bed family? Does he have his own separate bed space at all? One of the things we've been using to our advantage is DS's crib, which thankfully he can't climb out of yet; it's the sleepy-space, and when we put him there and put on certain music, he knows it's time to sleep, whether naptime or bedtime. One of the ways we've been reinforcing it is to put him in and leave him there even when he gets mad/fussy at us about it; it seems to reinforce that we're serious about sleepy time, and we always respond with hugs and snuggles if his vocal tone ever shifts into distressed. Anyways, upshot . . . is there or can you create a dedicated sleeping spot that he can't get out of or destroy so that you can let him learn to start falling asleep on his own?

[lkmiscnet]

The crib has been side carred to the bed (with all the rails up), but we haven't used it since DS was 4 mo old, so it's got quite the layer of dust on it, and lots of our clothing. I haven't stored it, as the side rail acts as a bed rail to the bed. So, we have been strictly co-sleeping for 20 mo. He has always gotten hysterical whenever I have put him in the crib in the past, as if he's being punished, and he can't comprehend why I would do that to him. He's an intense little boy and has always been super sensitive since his preemie birth.

If I took the side rail off, he would just climb out because he loves to cuddle and seeks cuddling in the middle of the night when he wakes up crying or kicking (presumably from a nightmare).

I try to do the exact same thing as his dad does, but it never works. He just won't lay down for me to nap. I think it's because he is so used to me being with him 24/7 and his dad is sort of a "novelty" or treat since he is only home after work and on weekends.

[virtualee]

Try holding him down in a gentle & loving way. I had to do that with my older son for a weeks until he got the point. No talking , no walking or playing. he may protest; be empathetic -"I know it's hard, but it's nappy time." Sometimes boys need help stopping their bodies physically. Use soothing tones, but be firm. Eventually he will stop fighting you. Know that if your empathetic & firm, you aren't t harming, but helping.

Once you get the nap in, put bedtime very late. so he's very tired.

Sounds like he is transitioning out of nap....

[Marsupialmom]

I know this seems crazy, but enjoy it.  This is their two thing that will always connect them.  Accept you are not the dad and that your child has a very good bond with dad. My girls did this with their dad.  It drove me nuts.  I could not get them to sleep.  They wanted their dads. I didn't take it personally.  I just do not feel or move the same way as their dad does.  

[kellyrenee]

My DH can do the exact same thing!   It drives me crazy!!  What's even crazier is the Nanny can do it as well, less than 5 minutes of rocking the baby and she is out.  i tried for 2 hours the other night before giving up!