apparently I'm neglecting my son... he says (please read)

[JordanKX]

We are new to this, 2months of "separation".

DP has our son, 18mo, every afternoon when he picks him up from daycare. Until I come home from work; normally 4:30-6:00. I have a PT job, 30+hrs/wk, plus teach night classes. I've taught night classes for 3+yrs. That part is nothing new. There are nights when I drop DS off at daycare in the morning, I know I won't see him all day, because I have night class. It's gut-wrenching. But it's a reality.

Before we split, the GP's took over night-duty. Now that we're split, DP spends those hours with DS, when I'm not home til 8:30.

Night classes aren't a given, maybe one a week, maybe none, maybe twice a week. They happen. On the best days, I'm home at 4:30, play with the kiddo, have dinner, play/bath/bed, etc.

On the weekends, DP doesn't come over. So I have the ENTIRE weekend, just me at the kiddo. It's worked. The weeks suck horribly, but we make up for it on the weekend.

TONIGHT, DP tells me his "observation" is that I'm coming home less, before DS goes to bed. Question: really? Doesn't seem like it? Oh yes, in the past two weeks, you're not here.

Brain thought: I had two night classes, and one night I requested to stay late at work, ONLY because DP had a bbq with his family and wouldn't be home with the kiddo until that late anyway. Win-win, I could work later, DS is with his father and family.

Question: So... I'm not around enough?  NO. So.. I'm neglecting my role as parent? Answer: "that is my observation, yes"

Passive my ass.

AND THEN, I get an email from HIS parents saying "if I'm going to be out late, please let us know. it's unfair to ask of [DP] to always stay late".. belabored about his role as father/babysitter for me to work, my assumed role as parent, etc.

OMG.

I teach night classes. I have for three years!

I am 35yrs old. I am working on my thesis, which directly relates to the classes I teach. The same GP's that emailed me Used to be the babysitters at night.

And suddenly, I'm "neglecting" my son.

I have NO idea how to address this. Advise? Please?

TIA

[Goodmom2008]

Your ex is getting ready to go for custody.  I would start keeping a journal of when the father is with the baby and when you get home.  And if he has a function with his family on his time and you work late because of this, well, document that.  And go no contact.  Only discuss your child with his father.  If the paternal grandparents call, don't talk to them. Ignore their e-mails.  You are under no obligation to keep them informed when you are going to work late.  As long as you are back by the time his parenting time is over, it is irrelevant how late you work or if you go out after work. 

And I would find an alternate babysitter for night time since they think that it is unfair that they have to babysit so late. 

[tinuviel_k]

I'd hire an at-home babysitter for the evenings you have night classes, and keep your DH out f the loop about it. It does sound like he is trying to use your work schedule against you.

[zebra15]

Yes STBX is keeping score for custody. If you need a PM sitter hire someone. Do not involve STBX with anything other than your "pick at daycare til 630" schedule. (or whatever).

If you dont have an atty, GET ONE!

[turtle2who]

I totally agree with everyone else who has posted. Document EVERYTHING involving your child and time spent with STBX and your interactions with him and your work schedule and anything else you might need to remember when you go to court!

If you can -you should set up a schedule with STBX for when you will pick up every evening.  If you have to teach a night class- get a sitter.  Keep your STBX completely uninvolved with your work schedule. Or maybe you can arrange a schedule where you are available to teach Tues and Thurs nights (or MWF) and your child stays with STBX overnight and HE gets him to daycare the next morning! Something predictable and arranged so he can't make it look like you are neglecting your child by not being there when you're supposed to be.

[JordanKX]

Thank you so much! This came out of left-field yesterday. I know x-DP is mad/hurt/lashing out, whatever. But this seems totally unjustified and just down-right hurtful. That he's been sharing this "observation" with his family both hurts, and also makes me really angry. I had thought that because I work and DP doesn't work, EVER, that switching to half-days of daycare would be a benefit to everyone - he gets more time with the kiddo, and I'm paying for less daycare. But evidently, it's back-firing.

I don't know what standing he would have for filing for custody - he doesn't have any income and lives in a travel trailer parked on his dad's property (it's not as white-trash as it sounds, but still, those are facts). 

I agree that this scares me a little bit. He's definitely on a path to something, even if it's just anger/resentment at this point.  I'd figured 2 months would be a little too early to be battling, you know? But maybe an atty consult isn't such a bad idea. Thanks for the input.

I'll look in to sitters at night, just to remove that potential from him. And I haven't responded to the GP's email - I see no reason in inflaming anything. I'm just ignoring it right now -- as you've all pointed out, and I agree, they don't really have a place for an opinion.

I really appreciate your advice. This is all new to me and up until yesterday, I really thought we were on a nice, somewhat happy path to making this work between us. Apparently I was wrong. Journal/record/log begins immediately.

[Goodmom2008]

When my ex and I split, I didn't have any income as I was a SAHM.  I still got custody.  His standing?  Well, he has the ability to care for the child over a daycare.  That's a pretty strong argument. 
 

Originally Posted by JordanKX 

I don't know what standing he would have for filing for custody - he doesn't have any income and lives in a travel trailer parked on his dad's property (it's not as white-trash as it sounds, but still, those are facts). 

I agree that this scares me a little bit. He's definitely on a path to something, even if it's just anger/resentment at this point.  I'd figured 2 months would be a little too early to be battling, you know? But maybe an atty consult isn't such a bad idea. Thanks for the input.

[JordanKX]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008 

When my ex and I split, I didn't have any income as I was a SAHM.  I still got custody.  His standing?  Well, he has the ability to care for the child over a daycare.  That's a pretty strong argument. 
 

Well, I suppose this is a great point. Taken and heard, for sure. Thanks for giving me that reality check.

I'm suddenly FREAKING OUT.

[doubledutch]

wait, are you saying he parents for about 12 hours/week?  and you have your child overnight, every night, plus mornings getting him to daycare, plus several evenings a week, plus all weekend, every weekend?  wtf is he talking about?

[secondimpression]

Originally Posted by JordanKX 

 I had thought that because I work and DP doesn't work, EVER, that switching to half-days of daycare would be a benefit to everyone - he gets more time with the kiddo, and I'm paying for less daycare. But evidently, it's back-firing.

I really appreciate your advice. This is all new to me and up until yesterday, I really thought we were on a nice, somewhat happy path to making this work between us. Apparently I was wrong. Journal/record/log begins immediately.

When I left XH, we were working opposite shifts so DS only had to be with a sitter for those 3 hours that our shifts overlapped. I thought it'd work out great to keep up the same arrangement into our separation because that way, we both get tons of time with DS, DS stays out of daycare and the daycare bill stays small.

I was delusional and after about 3 months regularly got panicked calls from the babysitter 2 hours after XH was supposed to pick DS up and had never showed up. I eventually got sick of having to take time off work when XH would flake like that, switched my shift and put DS in daycare full time. XH has a huge ego so I just fed him that line "it would be best for DS to have a normal schedule and be around other kids". He hemmed and hawed but agreed that it was best for DS. I didn't count on XH dropping all parenting time completely (he says it's all my fault) but I've learned to deal with that. He doesn't want to be a father and there's nothing I can do about it. But I did have it in my power to make sure DS was adequately cared for while I was at work and that's exactly what I did.

It's now coming back up in the divorce but thankfully I had the foresight to document everything. Even comments about your parenting skills.

The nonsense about what you're doing instead of taking care of your DS is an attempt to control and manipulate. Nip it in the bud NOW by limiting discussions of use of your time to who is picking your DS up and when and for how long. If you don't have your DS, it's none of your STBX's (or his family's) business what you're doing.

You're doing great, just hang in there!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by JordanKX 

I don't know what standing he would have for filing for custody - he doesn't have any income and lives in a travel trailer parked on his dad's property (it's not as white-trash as it sounds, but still, those are facts).

It doesn't matter. There are plenty of wonderful parents who live in a travel trailer and who are unemployed. My ex and I were in court on Monday and, while I was waiting for our turn, I was watching the cases before us. Out of 5 cases that were heard before us, all 5 of them had the dad not having a job. All 5 of them lived with friends or family members. All 5 of them got joint legal custody. 1 got shared physical custody, the other 4 physical custody went to the mom (temporarily- all of these cases were just the initial hearing).

I'm not saying this to scare you, but his circumstances have nothing to do with who will get custody so it would be wise for you to understand that now.

It sounds like your ex is trying to set it up to show the Judge that he spends plenty of time with the child to get, at minimum, joint custody.
 

Originally Posted by JordanKX 

Well, I suppose this is a great point. Taken and heard, for sure. Thanks for giving me that reality check.

I'm suddenly FREAKING OUT.

No point in freaking out :) Just start documenting everything (when each party has the child) and let it go.

[MariesMama]

If this is true, and your ex is basically COMPLAINING that he has to spend this much time with your son ... I'd say let him try to go for custody.  Tell him, "I'm sorry for inconveniencing you.  I will try to be more respectful of your personal time," via email, and get a paper trail of him whining about how inconvenient it is to be a parent.

Originally Posted by doubledutch 

wait, are you saying he parents for about 12 hours/week?  and you have your child overnight, every night, plus mornings getting him to daycare, plus several evenings a week, plus all weekend, every weekend?  wtf is he talking about?

[ArtsyMomma]

Just a reminder....document everything. Every little detail. Dates and times he's with your son, when he is late for pick up, when he sends an email (print it out, save a copy).

ETA: Document everything EVEN if you are getting along, and you are sure he would never try to take your son away....it doesn't hurt to be prepared for the worst, but it could hurt to not be prepared.