Do you tell people you're TTC or pregnant?

[lactatinggirl]

I'm thinking I want to wait to tell everyone until I'm 3 months pregnant. Is that crazy? I feel like I might explode! Obviously my husband knows and I told my best friend (and those of you who know me in IRL that are on the MDC will figure things out :-P), but I just feel like waiting to tell family and such. I don't want any bad words about us TTC (though I'm not sure why there would be besides that I'm in school) and I figure that won't happen if I'm already pregnant when I tell them. I also don't want to go around shouting that I'm pregnant only to miscarry. I don't know though. Is it crazy to not tell anyone? Am I going to actually explode? :-P

[Shelley71]

We are TTC#1, and we haven't told family, or at least I haven't told mine. I don't mind if he tells his, but mine is weird, so I might wait until I'm in the PG safe zone. A few of my friends know we are TTC. But, even those who know we are TTC, I'm not sure I'll tell all of them if I get a BFP.

[WildDoula]

We're not telling anyone we're TTC, not even friends.

But when we get pregnant we're planning on telling everyone pretty soon afterwards. I'm not so good at keeping secrets for very long. 

[lactatinggirl]

I'm also awful with secrets. I kind of feel like screaming it from the roof tops if YKWIM. I'm immensely happy that I can spill my guts on here. :-P

[WildDoula]

This board definitely provides some relief. 

I know a lot of women wait till the second trimester, but I feel like it would be so much work hiding the sickness and excitement. I understand why they do it, just not for me. 

[RosieL]

We weren't going to tell anyone, but DH told his best bud right away (surprising that he was the one to break!) and then I started to tell people. It's easier that way for us, because it's our first and everyone kind of knew that we would be trying soon after our big vacation in Africa. So instead of this unspoken thing happening, it's just out and casual. I think with my need to talk things out, its easier this way. For the first two months not telling I was feeling lonely! This forum definitely helps, though. 

Now, we don't plan on any "reveal" on facebook until 2nd tri, but that's neither here nor there at this point.

[MsFortune]

I told people because I can't keep a secret.

But I think the decision to tell or not has a lot to do with how you would deal with this if you lost the baby. Think of all of the people you would have to tell if you lost the baby, and how hard that would be for you.

I had a miscarriage - and of course it happened a few days after I told people about the baby. Great timing, huh? So I had to go tell all those people and on top of my own feelings, I had to deal with their feelings. It was not that bad for me, but I'm a pretty matter of fact kind of person, and it was a fairly early loss. But for some people, having to tell people just compounds the grief.

[Shelley71]

Originally Posted by MsFortune 

I told people because I can't keep a secret.

But I think the decision to tell or not has a lot to do with how you would deal with this if you lost the baby. Think of all of the people you would have to tell if you lost the baby, and how hard that would be for you.

I had a miscarriage - and of course it happened a few days after I told people about the baby. Great timing, huh? So I had to go tell all those people and on top of my own feelings, I had to deal with their feelings. It was not that bad for me, but I'm a pretty matter of fact kind of person, and it was a fairly early loss. But for some people, having to tell people just compounds the grief.

That is what I'm afraid of. But, like a few of you, I'm horrible at secrets. I PROMISED myself that I would tell NO ONE that we were trying. Yeah, that didn't work. So, even though I say I won't tell anyone about the BFP (if I get it), I wonder if I'll be able to do it? I know I can trust that I won't tell my family because I definitely cannot deal with them if I were to m/c. I would just like to get a BFP so I can test myself!

[Scrapluvnmomma]

With our first my best friend knew we were trying that's it. When we conceived one person at work just looked at me and asked when are you due? No idea how she knew but she kept the secret, we waited to tell everyone until the first tri was over. Lots of upset feelings but we regret nothing.
This time, we wanted no one to know but after being unsuccessful for some time one of my friends does know. It makes it harder and am thankful for forums like this. We just wanted this to be very key, the less that know the better. If we are unsuccessful it is something we can deal with privately.

[lactatinggirl]

That all makes sense. I think we'll avoid telling most people about TTC because I don't think it's something that I really feel like telling family and stuff. When we get a BFP, I'll probably tell family and close friends, but I'm certainly not going to go around announcing it to the world. I don't think I'd fair well if I had a m/c and had to tell every person I've ever met about it. 

[Laurucha]

We have been TTC for over a year and haven't told anyone at all. I feel like once you tell people you are TTC, you invite them into your uterus to express opinions. The people who would want to know the most are our families, but I know our mothers would drive us crazy with unsolicited advice. We are evasive when people ask if we're planning on having kids and people always drop the subject pretty quick. It feels pretty lonely not having anyone to talk to about it though.

When we finally get pregnant, I am not sure what I am going to do. I would like to wait until the risk of miscarriage is lower, but like a lot of you, I am terrible at keeping secrets. I know that I am going to turn down a drink and someone is going to ask me and I am going to be unable to lie. But I would hate to have to share the news of a miscarriage.

[Bugglette]

Our DS was a surprise, and I was afraid to tell my family because we were really excited about it and knew my family would be a little disappointed that we did not marry first.....except my sister, whom I was hesitant to tell because she had been TTC for about 6m at that point and I didn't want her to feel sad about it not happening for her yet (she got her BFP 3m after mine so our sons are very close in age).  We ended up telling her, and everyone else just before the 3m mark...my sister was upset that I didn't tell her sooner.

This time, I told my closest local friend when we started NPP, but she doesn't know that we are TTC now.  When we get our BFP, I will tell my sister (I had to promise her, lol) and close family/friends right away, and then the rest of FB land in the 2nd trimester.

[monkeyscience]

I've told a lot of people we're TTC, but my situation is different. Since we're struggling with infertility, I tell people we're TTC mostly to shut them up from making insensitive comments/jokes about pregnancy. (We've been married less than a year, so I get a lot of comments about "of course you're not having kids" or "haha, wouldn't it be so funny if you were pregnant", which is painful since we actually do want kids and haven't been able to have them yet.) Also, since we've started fertility treatments, we've asked family members to pray for our TTC efforts. Dh doesn't really like telling people, though, so I've done most of the telling. I'm also terrible at keeping secrets, so I imagine word will be out pretty quickly when we do get pg. I also feel like I'd rather have people know I was pregnant if I miscarry than have to tell them that I miscarried without them knowing I was pregnant, or just suffering in silence.

[toothfairy2be]

I've only really told 2 friends, my mom and MIL also know. One friend is very helpful, she's only dating so she is very easy on me, when AF comes she just says that OK, it will happen next month, no pressure, which is nice. The other has a 1 yr old that was a surprise, so her advice is always to stop thinking about it and that we are trying too hard, so I try to talk about it as little as possible except to say yeah we are trying, unfortunately my DH is good friends with her DH and told me they were talking about it yesterday, so I don't know, it's like I feel embarrassed because I'm completely at the mercy of my own body... hers worked and mine doesn't. My mom gives good advice but also asks on like a daily basis after O if I know yet... which makes me more stressed. My MIL doesn't ask me anything, but she is constantly giving us the eyes whenever we see her waiting for an announcement, I'm not sure other than knowing we would like a baby, how much she knows about our efforts. In some ways it would be easier for the whole world to know so they will stop asking, but then of course half of them don't stop asking. I should just post a sign- We are having some trouble making a baby, please don't ask about it. With all that said, when we first started TTC, we wanted to wait until 12 weeks but there is no way I could have kept it a secret, now the excitement is fading as each month I have less hope that it is going to happen. So I have much more patience. We also have a strong history of early m/c (3 of the last 4 first pregnancies) so the wanting to wait to tell people is more a of a need to wait to tell people. I'm crossing my fingers that my 12 week wait starts soon!

[Sol_y_Paz]

I don't anymore.  

[Northstar78]

I told my parents but not my in-laws. I also told my closest friends because we're all in the same boat or about to get into that boat!! In the end, I weighed the fact that my body hasn't adjusted well just coming off of BCP (tired, crampy, bloated), that I've had to change some of my habits vs. making excuses it was just easier to tell them. Everyone who knows we're ttc is pretty low-key about but I only told those who I trust.

[RosieL]

So, this issue is becoming salient right now. Well, not so much the telling about TTC part, but the when to tell about early pregnancy part. I'm about 3DPO and my in-laws (whom I LOVE) are coming down here for Easter dinner with my family. So, an early test day would be Friday or Saturday, and dinner on Sunday. If I see a BFP () I would LOVE to tell both sets of parents at the same time. Our first will likely be the first grandkid, unless our siblings GREATLY accelerate their plans.

My mom can't keep a secret, so it is likely that once she knows, a number of her friends will know, along with the rest of the family. I think I could reasonably expect to keep it a secret from work/school. I *think* I would be okay with telling people about a loss if it came to that, but who ever knows?

Normally I wouldn't bring it up because it's way too optimistic to think I'll get a BFP this cycle, but the reasoning is that I don't want to spring the idea of telling everyone on DH! Need to give him time to prepare.

[RVKF]

I've been lurking for a while here but as we're finally TTC I feel like I can speak up! 

I told a few very close friends around 8 weeks pregnant with our DD because I needed some emotional support during a MC scare.  We didn't tell family until 2nd trimester.  Several family members were upset that we kept it a secret.  But, I found that reaction really confirmed our decision NOT to tell as it rapidly became about their experience.  My mother, for example, became highly invested in what it would be like for her to become a grandmother. 

We're just beginning TTC #2 now and we've told a few friends who have kids the same age as ours of our plans.  I've also told my sisters that we have a vague plan to have another child.  But, we definitely won't tell our parents, work colleagues or larger circle of friends until 2nd trimester.  Part of our decision is that we don't want to deal with everyone's expectations.  But another VERY big reason is we don't want to talk about it with our DD until we're sure and we don't think that extended family should know before our immediate family (DD). 

It is hard to keep it a secret though.  Both because it's so exciting and because you have to make up so many excuses.  Why no wine?  Why another stomach virus? Why a dr. appt? Why no wine with dinner again a full month later?  Etc...

[crunchy_mommy]

We have been TTC for ~2 years -- since soon after DS was born, always wanted kids close in age -- and didn't tell anyone (outside MDC) until a few weeks ago. Now, a few close friends know, and it's a bit of a relief to be able to talk about it occasionally!! I think I fear judgment -- we have a really difficult 2yo with some issues and DH is unemployed and things like that, I know some people will think it's poor planning to be TTC but we know what we want and I don't want anyone messing with us lol.

I'm not sure what we'll do if we ever get a BFP... With DS, we told family immediately (wanted the extra prayers!!) but we never told anyone else... because I wanted to wait 'til 12 weeks, but then there never seemed to be a good time, then it was 'old news' but no one knew, if that makes sense? So I was around 5mos along and really showing so people figured it out (and I think many felt bad that we hadn't made any announcement, they thought I was hiding it from them or something, though that wasn't really my intent!) We just aren't good at the whole "announcement" thing (many people didn't know we were engaged until we told them a week before that we couldn't make an event because we were getting married... we were engaged for over a year! lol)

So I guess most likely, people will just find out whenever I start showing...

[SilaMarila]

I want to try to wait to tell anyone until we hear the heartbeat. Maybe it will be 10wks, maybe 12, even 14...we will have to see. Now to just get a little bean growing in there...