What do I say when he says "Mommy"?

[katsob]

Ok back story......

I moved in with my boyfriend in June of 2010, he has twin two year olds. Now 10 months later he starts calling me Mommy. His real "Mother" takes the boys for a few hours every couple of weeks when she isn't drunk or have something better planned. She will ask to see them every week then backs out because of whatever reason. On average she has taken them overnight once every two months since at least I was in the picture. One of the boys has gotten more attached to me recently, for example when I go to work he will stand at the window till I leave and he runs to the window when he hears my car pull up. When he falls he runs to me for comfort bypassing daddy all together my boyfriend conciders this a good sign mind you but the other day he started calling me mommy he doesnt even call his "mother" that he learned it from dora and other various cartoons, books and other children where he saw children with their parents. I dont want to make their "mother" angry so we have tried having him call me by my name but mommy just keeps sticking with him. I dont mind that he calls me mommy but she WILL take issue with it what do I do?

[aricha]

Maybe you can make up a special nickname that they can call you? Personally I think kids should be allowed to call the adults in their life whatever they want to without worrying about how the adults feel. But that is a controversial position, and also not reality for most kids. So I would go with a "special nickname." I would talk to the kids about using this new, special name... then I would use it all the time (including having your significant other use it, and letting other adults know about it so they can refer to you that way, too). After that, I wouldn't correct the kids if they call you "mommy," I would just keep using the nickname. 2-yr-olds are still learning to use language and communicate, so it might not "stick" for a while, but eventually it will.

[MamaRhi]

With the amount of time the kids spend with you rather than their actual mother and their ages, it's natural for them to attach the mommy role to you. It may be a topic for the dad to discuss with the bio mom. Kids at that age will assign roles to people. My son, who was mostly non-speaking at 2, called my best friend "Nana" (like it rhymes with "mama") because she was there nearly as much as I was very day and since I was Mama, she must be Nana, which by the way sounds nothing like her actual name. To this day she has that role in his life that he assigned her to. So, if you tell the kids "i'm not mommy", they may just pull an entirely random name out just for you.

[katsob]

It all started when we had a play date at the house and their friend was calling his mom mommy seeing that interaction between her and him and between the kids and me they figured out the meaning of it. On a side note they were at my man's moms place and one of the boys found a beer bottle cap for a bud light and he handed it to his dad and said mama, I dont drink beer at all we know she drinks is it something he should bring up to her?  

[JBaxter]

Originally Posted by katsob 

It all started when we had a play date at the house and their friend was calling his mom mommy seeing that interaction between her and him and between the kids and me they figured out the meaning of it. On a side note they were at my man's moms place and one of the boys found a beer bottle cap for a bud light and he handed it to his dad and said mama, I dont drink beer at all we know she drinks is it something he should bring up to her?  

I would let him call you what he wants at this age.   I would not bring up the beer cap.  Not at this point anyway.  You are in the roll of his mother so its natural he things thats what he should call you.   

[Smithie]

"His real "Mother" takes the boys for a few hours every couple of weeks when she isn't drunk or have something better planned."

You're the real mother, and your kids are noticing.

Congratulations - it's twins!  

[katsob]

well she found out and shes PISSED basicly he said mommy she said mommy's here and he ran to the window and said mommy? for 5 min then grabbed his coat and said bye bye! then she texted and told their dad to pick them up

[JBaxter]

Originally Posted by katsob 

well she found out and shes PISSED basicly he said mommy she said mommy's here and he ran to the window and said mommy? for 5 min then grabbed his coat and said bye bye! then she texted and told their dad to pick them up

This says volumes about her and the situation.    You did not direct him to say it the smart little guy put 2 and 2 together that his "mommy" is the one who takes care of him.    I do feel bad for her but she needs to spend more time with them.   FYI my good friend did day care ( and still does) for years in her home.  It isnt uncommon for some of her day care children to call her mommy when they are small.  For them its usually a phase but she's with some of them 50hrs a week.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by katsob 

then she texted and told their dad to pick them up

That's really sad, that she would have them picked up because their innocent words hurt her feelings.  It speaks volumes about her. 

[Earthy Mama]

I was around dh's cousin's 3 yo dd for a short time when dh's uncle had temp. custody of her. She called me "mama" from the first moment she met me because she heard our dds call me that. 

If their mother has issues with it, that's her problem and it should make a light switch in her head that she needs to step up her game and fulfill the role. Why do some parents make things so hard? It blows me away.

My ex is not happy that dd2 calls my husband "daddy". But, he's here. He goes to her school functions, makes her breakfast, etc. My ex. sees her maybe once or twice a month-if his mother arranges for the girls to go to her house.

[singin'intherain]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

"His real "Mother" takes the boys for a few hours every couple of weeks when she isn't drunk or have something better planned."

You're the real mother, and your kids are noticing.

Congratulations - it's twins!  

Really- let the kids call you mommy. Eventually they'll realize that their mom isn't acting like other moms, and have to go through the whole "am I loveable, why doesn't Mom want me?" ordeal. Having someone to call mommy, who actually mothers them, will ease the process a lot. This isn't about her feelings, it's about the kids. If she feels so bad about it, she can get her act together and parent her kids herself.

Similar situation over here, but with older kids. DSD 8 is hurting so much that her mom, who used to mother her, has abandoned her and her brothers. Having me to call out "Mommy!" to, when she sees me coming, is a matter of emotional survival for her. I don't care if her mom hears about it (unlikely, since she almost never comes around).
 

[bella00]

  Since you are basically their mom and they are so young I don't see anything wrong with them calling you Mommy. Maybe you could suggest to them Mommy First Name?  But if you do want to avoid hurt feelings with their biological mother you could always think up a nickname. I've always thought MiMi is cute. Its similiar to mommy, but different. Around where I live a lot of grandmas who think they are too young to be grandmas choose MiMi for their grandkids to call them.

[blondygirl]

If I were you, the moment the bio mom wanted to send the kids home for calling you "mommy" I would absolutely take that as an invitation to be their mommy. Forget about how she feels about it, those kids need a mommy and it sounds like you've stepped up, so the other one should probably just fade out of the picture since she sounds incapable of caring for her children. Take pride in the fact that the twins will be raised by you and your boyfriend rather than by an alcoholic.

Good luck!

[katsob]

Thank you all for your advice the boys still call me mommy but they call her mommy too so she's not buggin as bad she has even taken them overnight twice in the last month and things are going ok between my old man and her. Although she is still trying to make him green eyed by having her "boyfriends" over but whatever lol. There may be peace on the horizon but usally the second I think that a storm usally hits lol.

[butterflylover]

I agree that the kids should call you with whatever they are comfortable with. Their biological mother isn't really their "mommy." You are. I wouldn't talk to her about anything at all honestly. Just let your bf deal with her. :) Keep being a good mommy to those kids. It sounds like they need you!

[waiting2bemommy]

I agree that they should be allowed to call you mommy. My ds does have a special nickname for my SO but he rarely uses it and has been calling him daddy for a looong time. His bio dad is not in the picture, but when he does pop up he likes to coplain about this. I say it is a situation of his own creation. He made that bed and now he is lying in it. Tough. The kids deserve to have two parents they can depend on.

[leilamom]

I agree that if the kids want to call you Mom, then that is their choice.  However, since you are not the mother who gave birth to them, don't take it hard if they change their mind later on and start calling you something else as they get older.  I don't read a lot into the 'Mom' word and would just take it for what it is worth now even if it doesn't last.  They know who takes care of them on a regualr.

[RasJi7]

Originally Posted by limabean 

That's really sad, that she would have them picked up because their innocent words hurt her feelings.  It speaks volumes about her. 

i'm not sure i agree with this, i feel like she honored his feelings in that moment.  he wanted 'mommy' and he wanted to go 'bye bye'.  so she let him have mommy and let him go bye bye.  i think it may have been the healthiest thing for their relationship for her to do in that moment.  

[csmith]

What do I say when he says "Mommy"?

I'll be the voice of dissent - to answer your question, you say "no, birthmother so-so is mommy.  I am "ever so fabulous nickname" to you!

What's so wrong with being "ever so fabulous nickname" - why the desire to be "mom"?  Your basic role as stepmom is to "do no harm" and however logical/illogical the birthmothers and twins's stance is on calling you mom it has done harm.  She returned the kids early from visitation and this very well could be festering.  I realize that the birthmother is making her choices of limited contact with her children and while she may be irrational about certain parenting choice - asking that her kids call her mom and her only isn't really that crazy.

[niamama]

We picked another name, other than my first name, for the kids to call me.  My husband is a child psychologist and he pointed out that every other adult of significance in the child's life has an honourific name - teachers, aunts, grandparents etc.  We waited until we were married and he chatted with the kids about it.  We had talked about using "Ema" a Frisian word for mother.  I am Dutch, so we thought it was pretty close!  It was still different enough from mom or mamma - which is what the kids call their BM.  This has worked really well - the ex refers to me as Ema 90% of the time and even the teachers refer to me as Ema.  We waited until after we were married to use the special name.  Until then I was Andrea.  A few times a week the kids will call me mamma or mummy and I just roll with it.  I know they sometimes call their mom, Ema (she told me so..) so in the end I figure they are saying "female parent" and I just respond without skipping a beat.  

Good luck with everything!