Is it my fault?

[micah_mae_]

I keep thinking of all the things I do wrong with my son who is autistic. I smoked until I was 6 weeks pregnant. I let the midwife break my water leading to a traumatic birth for him. We don't do well baby visits (I'm really wondering about this one..could we have found our earlier and done more for him?). I don't have enough patience with him and I get frustrated easily (I just started taking anti depressants and I'm hoping it'll help my anxiety/depression and maybe I'll be more patient as a result). 

I just always worry about his future..

:(

[PNWmama]

I do the same thing.  My labor was augmented with pitocin, I had some artificial sweetners while I was pregnant with ds, what about that Hep B shot I let the pedi talk me into, etc.  I drive myself crazy.  It's so hard to think about what I'm doing right when it seems like so much is going wrong. It's not your fault, though, please believe that.  You are the best mama for your little guy.  

[christinelin]

I am the kind of person who is incredibly hard on herself and if I could find something I did wrong to take the blame for my son's ASD, I would. I have actually always been grateful that there was nothing I could find to blame. My son was the product of a planned pregnancy where I ate well. He was born at home with no interventions. The low muscle tone that is a piece of how his ASD shows up was evident from birth. He couldn't coordinate suck-swallow-breathe and had a terrible time learning to nurse. This is the way he is -- and was from birth. Its as simple as that.

I guess this is all to say that you can do all the "right" things and your child can still have special needs. Go easy on yourself and focus on caring for yourself so you can be the best mommy you can be now.

[LynnS6]

No, it's not your fault. I think it's pretty common to try to blame yourself or find a reason for your child's differences. I suspect if you look through both families you'll find a fair number of people who have some of the traits of a person with autism, even if they don't have autism themselves. There's a large genetic component, and a large component of something else that we don't understand, but could be viral, environmental toxins or a combination.

Do you have a counselor to talk to in addition to your meds? Having someone to bounce ideas/feelings off of is a really good idea. You need time and maybe some help to work through your grief at having a child who is difficult to raise, no matter how much you love him. Maybe a group of other parents who have children with autism might help if you don't have a counselor or can't get one.

[Linda on the move]

You didn't do anything wrong. No one really knows that causes autism, though there are lots of theories.

I did well baby visits with my DD, and nothing seemed "off" until she was 2. Some things were a tiny bit late, but never enough to worry about.

Rather than focus on the past, it's most helpful to stay in the present. (I know that is easier said than done).

How old is your son now? How is he doing?

[SpottedFoxx]

My Mom drank, smoked (2 packs a day) with my sister and she was born healthy and NT.  She is 5 foot 9 so it didn't stunt her growth.  She walked up and down the halls of the hospital chain smoking while waiting for her to be born.   It's not your fault.  There are parents who "do everything right" and have children with autism.  There are kids who suffer from autism who were not vaccinated, who parents ate nothing but organic and never exposed themselves to chemicals or second hand smoke.  

What I'm saying is... YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!  {{{hugs}}}

[micah_mae_]

Thank you ladies..logically I know that it's not my fault..but my heart..well that's another story.

[Linda on the move]

I think that letting go of self blame frees a lot of energy to deal with life, and we moms of kids on the spectrum need all the energy we can find!  Different things work for different people, but to deal with the complex emotional side of raising a sn child, I spent time in therapy and practice yoga regularly.

This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. Take care of yourself. The first step to taking care of yourself is to figure out what works for you. Exercise? Prayer? Drawing mandelas?  It really doesn't matter what it is, the trick is to figure out what helps you find that quiet place of peace inside yourself in spite of the what is going on with your child, and then figure out how to schedule time for it.

Peace

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

No, it's not your fault. I think it's pretty common to try to blame yourself or find a reason for your child's differences. I suspect if you look through both families you'll find a fair number of people who have some of the traits of a person with autism, even if they don't have autism themselves. There's a large genetic component, and a large component of something else that we don't understand, but could be viral, environmental toxins or a combination.

Do you have a counselor to talk to in addition to your meds? Having someone to bounce ideas/feelings off of is a really good idea. You need time and maybe some help to work through your grief at having a child who is difficult to raise, no matter how much you love him. Maybe a group of other parents who have children with autism might help if you don't have a counselor or can't get one.

We're moving soon so I don't want to start seeing someone now just to move..I do also want to start going to a support group soon, thank you.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

You didn't do anything wrong. No one really knows that causes autism, though there are lots of theories.

I did well baby visits with my DD, and nothing seemed "off" until she was 2. Some things were a tiny bit late, but never enough to worry about.

Rather than focus on the past, it's most helpful to stay in the present. (I know that is easier said than done).

How old is your son now? How is he doing?

Thank you, he is having more trouble with the social aspect of things. Other kids have started noticing that he's "weird" and run away from him. It breaks my heart. 

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx 

My Mom drank, smoked (2 packs a day) with my sister and she was born healthy and NT.  She is 5 foot 9 so it didn't stunt her growth.  She walked up and down the halls of the hospital chain smoking while waiting for her to be born.   It's not your fault.  There are parents who "do everything right" and have children with autism.  There are kids who suffer from autism who were not vaccinated, who parents ate nothing but organic and never exposed themselves to chemicals or second hand smoke.  

What I'm saying is... YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!  {{{hugs}}}

Thank you, it helps to know it's probably genetic, though it worries me that my other children will have it..

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I think that letting go of self blame frees a lot of energy to deal with life, and we moms of kids on the spectrum need all the energy we can find!  Different things work for different people, but to deal with the complex emotional side of raising a sn child, I spent time in therapy and practice yoga regularly.

This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. Take care of yourself. The first step to taking care of yourself is to figure out what works for you. Exercise? Prayer? Drawing mandelas?  It really doesn't matter what it is, the trick is to figure out what helps you find that quiet place of peace inside yourself in spite of the what is going on with your child, and then figure out how to schedule time for it.

Peace

Thank you, that's a good idea. What is a mandela? I want to start exercising but I'm just now getting my energy back since starting my meds.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Being the way autism runs RAMPANT in my family, I know it is far more genetic than anything else.  I also know autistic kids who were born to super-crunchy parents, natural birthed, never vaccinated, etc.  The autistic brain is not 'less', it just handles information in a different way.  Like everyone else has Windows programming in their brain, but autistic people have a Mac up there.  It does the same things, but the information flow is different.

[micah_mae_]

Originally Posted by EarthRootsStarSoul 

Being the way autism runs RAMPANT in my family, I know it is far more genetic than anything else.  I also know autistic kids who were born to super-crunchy parents, natural birthed, never vaccinated, etc.  The autistic brain is not 'less', it just handles information in a different way.  Like everyone else has Windows programming in their brain, but autistic people have a Mac up there.  It does the same things, but the information flow is different.

Lol, thanks for that. :)

[beachcomber]

 Autism is a neuological difference. It's not caused by drinking, smoking or missing well baby visits. It's not caused by vaccines. It's not caused by diet, environment or parental attitude.You could not possibly have "caused" your child's autism. But you can help your child learn how to function in society. Knowing your child has autism means you can provide appropriate methods of learning like ABA, floortime, positive behavior reinforcement, OT, SLP and other therapies to help them.

Blaming yourself saps your energy and chips away at your self-esteem. You need all your resources to parent your child. Don't waste your precious energy. Believe that you CAN make a difference and focus on that.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by micah_mae_ 

Thank you, that's a good idea. What is a mandela? I want to start exercising but I'm just now getting my energy back since starting my meds.

it's a circular picture created from the inside working out as a form of meditation. My icon is an example of one!