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SIL marrying a pedophile RESOLUTION Post 209

post #1 of 213
Thread Starter 

Seriously. My sil started dating this guy, he proposed, they put a deposit down on a house. A couple weeks ago my dh gets a phone call to go to the sex offenders data base for our county and do a search on the guys name. We do and he comes up. Not just his name, but his picture with it, so there is no mistake or someone else with the same name. It's him. My dh calls her and asks if she knew what he was in jail for back in 2002. She doesn't. (how are you marrying someone not knowing this?) He tells her. She doesn't sound upset at all. Later that same night, she moved her stuff into the house. They are now living together. She has three boys, two of them still under 18. The website was specific about the charge, "aggravated sexual assault of an 8 year old". He told her that it's something his exwife made up....and she believes him? He was convicted. 

 

I guess I don't really have a question, dh already told her if she ever brings him to our home again, it won't end well for him, other relatives have said the same. There is a big family reunion coming up and she was invited, but JUST her and her boys. She hasn't responded. She has obviously decided to choose him over her entire family. The scary part is, that seems to me to be cutting the boys off from their support system. 

 

I guess my biggest concern is for her kids and for telling everyone. I mean, my sil LOVES kids and seems to always have someones child with her for the day or the weekend. I am really upset and worried about this. He did not register in their new town, he is still listed at his old address. He has been to one of dd's baseball games, I know that has to be against his parole. I don't know their new address to even be able to tell anyone. The boys father knows, he was told, but I don't know that he is in a position to try and get custody of them. They aren't little kids, they are teens, but still.

 

Seriously, what would you do? Should I be trying to get custody of those kids? Should I be trying to find out their address to put a call into the police?

post #2 of 213

I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there.  I'd also notify the boys father to let him know that his sons' future stepfather is a pedophile.  And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact.  You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids.  I wonder if it would make sense to contact the school counselor at the boys school and give them a heads up?  And I'm not against hanging posters in his new neighborhood.

post #3 of 213

Do you think it's possible that she knows something that you don't?  What did you all think of him before your hubby got the call?  (And who called him, anyway?)  Aggravated sexual assault of an 8 yr old does sound pretty terrible, but it sounds like he was not in prison for all that long (or was 2002 when he got out?).  Can you talk to her and find out what the story is?  Was it his child?  If so, what is his current relationship with the child like?  

 

I would have to know so much more to feel like it was right to really ostracize the whole family.  I would, of course, not ever feel comfortable leaving my own kids at their home, but other than that, I don't think I'd want to persecute them.  

post #4 of 213
I'd call CPS and tell them your concerns.
post #5 of 213
There may be more to the story than you know. I have a dear friend who was tangled up in a vicious family feud and was falsely accused of molesting a child by his vindictive aunt. His mother and aunt had been in a bitter dispute for years and he was a victim of their squabble. He ended up pleading no contest and got 13 months or so in prison. He was terrified of facing a trial, and was advised by his lawyer to just take a plea bargain for less potential time in jail. Anyway, he's out now and has been well supported by our community. Honestly that whole situation has made me wary of child molestation charges, especially when they involve estranged ex wives etc. I'm sure that there are a lot of true pedophiles out there, but there are a lot of falsely accused men as well. Many of them are so blindsided that they simply cooperate in order to avoid life in prison. Also, at least for my friend, his parole is up, so he's allowed to go to church and be near children etc.
Of course your future BIL could be the real deal, and obviously I wouldn't leave my kids with him. But for now I wouldn't stir up trouble, at least until you know the whole story.
post #6 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy Alden View Post

I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there.  I'd also notify the boys father to let him know that his sons' future stepfather is a pedophile.  And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact.  You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids.  I wonder if it would make sense to contact the school counselor at the boys school and give them a heads up?  And I'm not against hanging posters in his new neighborhood.


Most of this, except instead of cutting off contact with the SIL's family. I would ramp up my relationship with the nephews. Assuming this man was not falsely accused and convicted, these boys will need an adult they can trust in their lives, because their mom is choosing a relationship with a convicted (and unregistered) sex offender over ensuring their safety. Facebook friend the boys, call them on the phone to talk, take them out to lunch, offer to have them spend a few days at your house... whatever you can do to keep the line of communication open with them. Whatever you do, please DON'T abandon them... trust me, your support will mean a lot to them, even if they don't realize it until they're older.

 

Do the boys themselves know about their future stepdad's record? If not, they should.
 

 

post #7 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy Alden View Post

I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there. 


Except that is not the case. The man in question is registered. That is why the OP's husband was able to find him on the sex offender registry.

 

post #8 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post




Except that is not the case. The man in question is registered. That is why the OP's husband was able to find him on the sex offender registry.

 


But he is registered at the wrong address, in another town.

 

post #9 of 213

Um yes, call CPS, cut off contact. Try and get those kids out of there however you can.

post #10 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishmommy View Post

There may be more to the story than you know. I have a dear friend who was tangled up in a vicious family feud and was falsely accused of molesting a child by his vindictive aunt. His mother and aunt had been in a bitter dispute for years and he was a victim of their squabble. He ended up pleading no contest and got 13 months or so in prison. He was terrified of facing a trial, and was advised by his lawyer to just take a plea bargain for less potential time in jail. Anyway, he's out now and has been well supported by our community. Honestly that whole situation has made me wary of child molestation charges, especially when they involve estranged ex wives etc. I'm sure that there are a lot of true pedophiles out there, but there are a lot of falsely accused men as well. Many of them are so blindsided that they simply cooperate in order to avoid life in prison. Also, at least for my friend, his parole is up, so he's allowed to go to church and be near children etc.
Of course your future BIL could be the real deal, and obviously I wouldn't leave my kids with him. But for now I wouldn't stir up trouble, at least until you know the whole story.


There are pretty big consequences here to not ''stirring up trouble''. 

post #11 of 213

*warning SA mentioned, triggering*

 

My mother started going out with a convicted pedophile when I was 11. Everyone thought he was really charming, even my grandparents liked him. He was from another country and had obviously moved to escape being taken into custody again  - I later found out he still had an outstanding warrant. OP, you mentioned your SIL is always around kids as well as having her own. These "people" groom their victims carefully to get access to as many potential victims as they can. In my case, I met the "man" (can't call them that really) at a school friend's birthday party. He was at the neighbor's, who was also throwing a birthday party. He hung around the girls' party all night. We had a chat. I must have mentioned that I kept snakes at home, because he turned up at my mom's house months later with a snake book in his hands. He'd asked my friend's parents for my address.

 

The rest of the story is rather painful. And my mother just did not see. You and I would probably call the police if a grown guy our daughter met turned up with any excuse, but he then pretended to be in love with my mom and she fell for it. I don't think I'll ever completely heal from what happened next. My mother not only ignored all the warning signals but told me I was lying when I informed her he raped me. He also took the opportunity to rape a class mate too. I wish I had someone like you around during those years, OP. Please be there for SIL's kids in anyway you can, but also - call the police, do whatever you can. Everyone at my school must have had their suspicions, but nobody ever helped me.

 

I'm surprised that so many poster say that these things are often made up and blown out of proportion, and that SIL's fiance might not be a pedophile. There is no reason to give them the benefit of the doubt. Behind them, they leave a path of destruction, hurt, and permanent damage.

post #12 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by weliveintheforest View Post




But he is registered at the wrong address, in another town.

 


That's different from being unregistered though. Being unregistered means not registered at all, under any address.

 

post #13 of 213

Someone mentioned that it doesn't sound like he was in prison for that long...

 

Just FTR, my brother was in prison for 7 months. That's it. His crime? Pornographic pictures of his daughter and some other nasty stuff. Denial all around on the part of my family, accusations that his victim was "almost old enough to know better." And on it goes. Actually, IME, the fact that he was convicted and spent jail time at all attests to the probable seriousness of what he did. It's pretty hard to put sex offenders behind bars, at least it was not too long ago here in Canada. He got a long probation, though. And yes, he did reoffend within the same family; or tried to. I just would not take any risks and it is SO easy to say it was a vindictive, false accusation. I have had experience with one family where the man probably WAS falsely accused and that is awful and unforgivable. Even there, though, we still kept at arm's length from the guy. We just couldn't be sure and his own actions didn't make us any more confident.

 

I'm so sorry this whole mess has entered your life.

post #14 of 213

I have seen men bullied by the system - so the system can be brutal.  

 

However, with you knowing what his conviction is,  I would keep my enemies close if for no other reason to protect your nephews. 

 

If he has his residents reported wrongly do report him.  Remember though, his legal residence can be different than were he is staying. 

post #15 of 213

I would want to know the whole story but I would make a call about his address.   Now one other thing is he may have but they haven't updated the data base.   He still has no business living with 3 young boys. I don't know your relationship with their father but he may need to step in to get custody of the boys.   I would NOT cut contact if you do you would never know if the boys are in trouble.

post #16 of 213

He is violating the law by not registering his new address and his parole stipulations by living with children.  If i were you, I would contact the local police department and his parole officer.  Parole would be the most helpful, because they could probably track him down, issue a warrant and take him into custody on the spot. You can usually get the parole info from the police department in his previous town or the state division of parole should be able to give you that info.  I would explain the situation to the police department where the incident occurred and they may be able to give you advice and some details.  I completely agree with mittenskittens about staying in contact with the kids (while keeping your own far away from him, of course).  Because of the grooming, the kids may have no idea and really like him.  Also, many sex offender like to isolate their victims, so the family is doing some of the work for him.   If you know where they are attending school, you could even go as far as contacting the administration or a guidance counselor.    I used to work w/sex offenders and many were really charming and so convincing,  it was easy to question their guilt until i read the police reports complete w/dna.   The fact that he is so clearly violating his parole by living w/kids and going to baseball games is concerning.  He's taking a big risk knowing that he would go back to prison if caught.   

post #17 of 213
I hate to be defending a possible pedophile, but there's also the possibility that he HAS updated his address with the powers that be, and that the website just isn't updated.
post #18 of 213

Even if he was wrongfully accused, I highly doubt that because of his behavior.

1. He knows that he was convicted and "how that looks".. he also knows the laws about registering and keeping away from children. He's chosen to completely disregard all of that and disregard the path of being on the straight and narrow, in favor of getting with someone who has kids and has a lot of contact with kids. Wrongfully accused or not, at the very best it shows a serious lack of judgment to get with someone like your SIL when he has a legal history like he does. At the worst, it's him selecting a person who will give him close contact to victims he can groom to abuse.

2. He didn't tell her. When your DH called her, she wasn't aware.. the lack of responsiveness on her part is covering up the biggest red flag- she didn't even know. So it's not like he flat out told her, "I am a convicted sex offender, but I was wrongly accused and here's my story." He kept her in the dark and that is very suspicious, especially since they're to be getting married.

In my opinion you need to call the police and  his parole officer and notify them of what's going on. Even if he's updated on his address, they may not be aware that he's around children. Pedophiles are court-ordered to stay a certain number of feet away from children and aren't allowed to live in the same house as a child.

I also agree with whoever said you should work on your relationship with the kids, just in case- you want to make sure they feel they have somewhere to turn if things go south quickly. It blows my mind that parents like your SIL exist- why would anyone put their innocent children in that kind of a situation??

 

post #19 of 213

I went through something similar in December.  The woman in question had two children, similar in age to the pedophile's target age.  The pedophile had been arrested twice for indecent exposure around a school or something along those lines and then went to prison for 2 years for sexual battery and assault of an 11 year old girl.  His story?  He got drunk and passed out in the same bed as a young girl and then accidently rolled over on top of her.  The woman believed him and didn't tell anyone.  Someone from his past contacted us to notify us as they knew he was not supposed to be around children.  He had been around her children on multiple occasions, around my children, etc.  When I found out, I contacted her and confronted her (tried to confront him too but he wouldn't talk to me), and then contacted his parole officer.  According to his parole officer, this is a pattern of his.  When I asked about his story, she informed me that there was a rape kit done that showed him as the perpetrator. 

 

I don't I feel I have the ability to figure out someone's guilt or innocence in a situation like that.  Our court system is incredibly screwed up but they have a much higher likelihood of getting the whole story.  I can't play russian roulette with children's lives like that.  The only thing I felt I could do is notify the authorities and let them sort it out. 

 

I ended up having to testify against him at a parole hearing.  My testimony consisted of the fact that he was around children and that he had the opportunity to remove himself from the situation but chose not to.  He went back to prison for a very long time.  A CPS investigation was automatically opened because the woman knowingly exposed her children to a pedophile but it was closed within a short time because he was no longer a part of the equation. 

 

The woman in question, who has been a part of my life for the past 22 years, has had no further contact with me.  Am I incredibly sad?  Of course.  And I miss her like crazy.  Do I regret anything?  Absolutely not.

 

ETA:  I still have contact with the children.  I call/text them on a regular basis and we FB a lot. 


Edited by Ornery - 4/11/11 at 7:35am
post #20 of 213

I think I would want more information, and stat 

 

First I would want to know who called DH in the first place. 

 

Second, I would want to know the history of the story. It's a brutal conviction but to play devils advocate -- it could be false. Marriage aside If I was accused of something so dark and horrid and it wasn't true, I would struggle to tell someone I loved..I would fear they would leave. So I would really have a sit down with your sister and talk, find out more information

 

 

That said I wouldn't allow my children over, and I too would create a relationship with my nephews and ask them if he's ever done anything funny. I would NOT call CPS, or the police until I had more details (and proven if possible) 

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