SIL marrying a pedophile RESOLUTION Post 209 - Page 3

[mommariffic]

Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not? 

The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decisions 

[miche28]

I have to say I am pretty shocked at some of these responses. I suppose there is an outside chance that this guy is an innocent victim of some elaborate error. Find that out AFTER you've taken the necessary steps to protect the parties you know are innocent here: the kids. Here, CAS would absolutely without any doubt apprehend kids living with a convicted pedophile - and cause long-term grief to the mother whose judgment was poor enough to consider allowing him to move in. Seriously people - this is no parking ticket.

[Lakeeffectsnow]

Originally Posted by Lucy Alden 

I think that's whats killing me.  I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt in lots of situations.  But, a convicted pedophile living with children?  Not a chance.  I'm not willing to take that risk.  Lakeeffectsnow, your stepdad is awesome.  These boys need someone like him in their lives.

My step dad is an amazing guy, one of the best days of my life was the day my mother met him.  He's the bomb.  After my mother divorced him, my little brother anId I stayed with him and my half sister.  He saved my life.  I was thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to kill that man, anything to  make the abuse stop.  My step dad has been there for me every day of my life since I was 10.  After my mom divorced him, my little brother and I stayed with my step dad and our half sister.  He is the one who helped me heal, forgive my mom, and move on.  Even after the divorce, he never said a bad word about her, he had nothing but compassion her denial (he was upset at her, but still managed to be compassionate).  He reserved all his anger for my abuser.  

I just see red when I hear people parroting the same lines people parroted about my abuser.  I want to show them the scars on my cousin's arms from her repeated suicide attempts.  I want them to know how I felt hiding in a closet under old clothes when my mom had a party in case he "wandered" into my room to say good night.  Or know the terror I felt that even though I told my mom, she didn't believe me and knowing it would happen again and again.  I want them to know the way my heart clutches every time a man talks to one of my kids.  I want them to know every time a male relative, other than my husband or my step dad, hugs, kisses, or tickles on of my kids I have to fight the urge to pull my child away.  It's been thirty years and I still sleep with the light on at night. I have tried to move on and most of the time I am okay, happy, and content, but I still think about it almost every day.

Give a convicted child abuser the benefit of the doubt?  I see posts about people on MDC judging other moms for using formula, CIO, and having c-sections, but let's take a wait and see additude with a sex offender? 

[laohaire]

Wow, Lakeeffectsnow. I'm so sorry.

I totally agree with you.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by Lakeeffectsnow 

My step dad is an amazing guy, one of the best days of my life was the day my mother met him.  He's the bomb.  After my mother divorced him, my little brother anId I stayed with him and my half sister.  He saved my life.  I was thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to kill that man, anything to  make the abuse stop.  My step dad has been there for me every day of my life since I was 10.  After my mom divorced him, my little brother and I stayed with my step dad and our half sister.  He is the one who helped me heal, forgive my mom, and move on.  Even after the divorce, he never said a bad word about her, he had nothing but compassion her denial (he was upset at her, but still managed to be compassionate).  He reserved all his anger for my abuser.  

I just see red when I hear people parroting the same lines people parroted about my abuser.  I want to show them the scars on my cousin's arms from her repeated suicide attempts.  I want them to know how I felt hiding in a closet under old clothes when my mom had a party in case he "wandered" into my room to say good night.  Or know the terror I felt that even though I told my mom, she didn't believe me and knowing it would happen again and again.  I want them to know the way my heart clutches every time a man talks to one of my kids.  I want them to know every time a male relative, other than my husband or my step dad, hugs, kisses, or tickles on of my kids I have to fight the urge to pull my child away.  It's been thirty years and I still sleep with the light on at night. I have tried to move on and most of the time I am okay, happy, and content, but I still think about it almost every day.

Give a convicted child abuser the benefit of the doubt?  I see posts about people on MDC judging other moms for using formula, CIO, and having c-sections, but let's take a wait and see additude with a sex offender? 

This made me cry for you mama!

Your step dad sounds like an amazing person. If I could meet him in person I'd shake his hand!

mommariffic, I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do but seriously do you just assume everyone who is convicted of a crime is possibly innocent and just wrongly convicted because of a vengeful ex or something?? I'm serious, because I feel like this is one case where I would trust the conviction before questioning it. If I see someone was convicted of most crimes, I don't just jump to the conclusion that it could have been incorrect. I generally assume that hey they got that person. I know there are serious miscarriages of justice that occur but they are not so often that I would just go to that conclusion.

I'll add my vote to the "surprised" at the willingness of so many here to jump on the, "he might actually be innocent" bandwagon...How often does that really happen, especially in child abuse cases? Not enough to make think twice about seconding the advice of just calling the non emergency police line to confirm if he actually changed his address...Not accusing just confirming and then keeping my kids as far away from him as possible...Also telling your SIL's ex that his children are going to be forced to live with a pedophile...

So messed up, OP I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
 

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not? 

The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decisions 

I don't think that they'd add that "aggravated" part if there wasn't some pretty strong evidence. I don't think that talking with him about it is going to get any answers.  If SIL likes him so much and wants to marry him, what's wrong with waiting until her kids are grown and out of the house before moving in with him. 

My mother also married a pedophile who abused me and my sibling for 9 years.  Then, finally she kicked him out and he moved straight in with a woman who had kids the exact same age as my sibling and I were when he moved in with us.  I begged my mother to call that other woman and tell her so that her kids wouldn't get hurt.  Finally she did call (he had a conviction as well, but it was for a lesser offense than he'd actually done and he was on probation for it still at that time).  The other woman didn't believe my mother and she kept him in the house.  I've found them on facebook and found that he has at least one daughter. She doesn't have him as one of her friends and he's not listed anywhere as her father.  My gut tells me that he put those kids through just as much, if not more, hell than he put us through.   I just can't believe that people can live in such denial, especially when it affects their children.  I still have nightmares about that creep and to know that he's happy and free and most likely did this to those precious children.....ugh. 

OP, It really makes me mad that your SIL isn't taking this seriously.  AGGRAVATED assault...that's serious business.  Actually, that pedophile that my mother married had a prior rape conviction and she believed him when he said that his girlfriend was just jealous and pressed charges for revenge.  If she'd been more cautious....

[Lucy Alden]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

 I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not? 

Because pedophiles and sexual predators are accomplished liars and manipulators.  You think he's actually going to confess to the OP?  We're not talking about a 19 year old caught sleeping with a 17 year old.  The child was 8.  Look, I know you're not advocating for the SIL to stay with an actual pedophile but, until proven otherwise, everyone in question needs to treat him as the sexual predator the courts and a jury have deemed him to be.  These boys are at risk for a life full of deep, profund hurt if the OP gives him the benefit of the doubt and is wrong.

And Lakeeffectsnow, I  your stepdad even more now!  An amazing, amazing person.

[mommariffic]

Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it. 
 

This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story. 

I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister) 

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not? 

The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decisions 

I'm assuming from your last sentence that you don't have personal experience with sex offenders, which is really great for you. They're often sociopathic. They will lie, charm, manipulate, and most people won't even know they're doing it. Talking to this guy accomplishes nothing other than to teach him that he must be more secretive and on his best behavior around the OP because she's suspicious. Sexual abuse isn't "a bad experience." It's a devastating act that leaves nothing but destruction behind. This guy didn't once steal a television. He sexually assaulted an 8YO child, and there was enough evidence for him to be convicted! 

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 
  AGGRAVATED assault...that's serious business.  

Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense. That's not a conviction that's easy to come by, given how many people refuse to believe children who are sexually abused.
 

[littlest birds]

I don't see any reason to talk with the guy.  What is there to accomplish with this?  If he says something claiming innocence then what?  If he says something admitting some degree of guilt then what?  Looking face to face at a mom putting you on the spot would you think a sex offender is likely to be honest?  I wouldn't believe anything he said.  More importantly I would not expect that I would be able to tell if he was lying.  It would be really foolish not to realize that while some people lie poorly others will completely fool you no matter how good you consider your instincts.

I am sorry, but this guy would not get to defend himself with me.  I don't want to talk to him.  And the talk would get me nowhere different from where I started except maybe satisfy some personal curiosity to see how he would react--even though I wouldn't learn anything practical at all.  So for me no way.  If there are other ways to find out details of the case, such as contacting someone in the legal group that handled his case maybe.  But it seems better to get someone within the system to investigate and look out for the children.   If your SIL is not taking action after a very short time, I would alert whatever authority seems able to look out for the children, along with the noncustodial parent of course.

It would be different to me if it had been 16yo, which I do not approve of, but at least would be a young "woman" with presumably some capacity to make decisions and have choice in the matter.  That situation might have gray areas--this doesn't.  It took plenty to get that conviction on his record, and I wouldn't give any benefit of the doubt.  He already had a chance to prove his side of things in court.  I'll assume 100% that the court system did its job with this.  No "second chance" for a sex offender when involved with a family with vulnerable children! 

[Storm Bride]

I was sexually abused as a child (not aggravated, luckily for me - but as another poster said, it screws you up, anyway). However, I'm also inclined to think that we've gone a little too far in the direction of "OMG - red flag sexualized behaviour - this child is obviously being sexually abused by someone!!" as a society...with the counterpoint of total denial that makes this all such a nightmare to deal with.

And, all that said? Yeah - I'd call the police. This isn't just an accusation by an ex. This isn't a "sex offender" who accepted a blowjob from his 3 years younger girlfriend when he was 19. This was a conviction for aggravated sexual assault of a prepubescent child. This man is a total predator, and whether he did or didn't register his new address, it can't hurt to call and make sure that someone in authority knows that he has moved, and that he's living with minors. The fact that OP's SIL wasn't told, and let him move in after finding out that he'd lied to her, says to me that either OP's SIL has extremely poor judgment, or this guy is a very, very skilled manipulator (maybe both), which means those kids are vulnerable...and even if he happens to only target girls, then their friends are vulnerable.

[JudiAU]

Originally Posted by Lucy Alden 

I would absolutely notify the local police department that there is an unregistered sex offender living there.  I'd also notify the boys father to let him know that his sons' future stepfather is a pedophile.  And I am with your husband on cutting off all contact.  You may not be able to save her boys but you can definitely protect your kids.  I wonder if it would make sense to contact the school counselor at the boys school and give them a heads up?  And I'm not against hanging posters in his new neighborhood.

Yes this. But I wouldn't try and cut off contact with the boys and SIL. Just no contact whatsoever with the abuser.

He is a convicted offender. He does not deserve the benefit of the doubt. He lied by omission to SIL and he is in contact with her minor children.

[EviesMom]

I too say, call CPS, notify the boys father, and notify the boys themselves. If your SIL didn't have children, didn't have children over, and wasn't going to have children, I'd say that it's her choice and she's a grown up. But this sounds like an all around bad situation for all the kids that visit her, possibly for her own children. Although thankfully, teen boys seem somewhat less in danger if the charge was with an 8 year old girl. I'd stay in touch in with your nephews so they have you to turn to. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Id call CPS and notify of them of my concerns.

Id call the local Police and notify them of an unregisterd sex offender.

Id call all off the churches in town and notify the pastors.

Id call the boys' father and tell him his children were living with a pedophile.

Id call the neighbors and let them know that their children are in jepordy because they cant find out if he isnt registered.

Id call everyone in my family to let them know that their children are in potential danger.

Pedophiles seldomly admit their addiction when they are confronted about it. They almost alway repeat their actions. Childrens' safety is far more important than protecting your sil's reputation in a new place.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by mtiger 

Something to remember... depending on what the charges were, he may or may not be prohibited from being around certain children. For example, if his conviction was based on assault of a girl, he will likely not be considered a danger to boys. And vice-versa.

And yes, he may have informed his PO of his new address, and the website simply hasn't been updated yet.

I would likely keep my kids away, and inform your nephews' father. It's on him what action to take from there.

I don't know where the OP lives, but where I'm from, sex offenders who have targeted children are not allowed contact with minors of either sex, period, regardless of the sex of the child(ren) who was assaulted by the offender. Even if the bolded portion above is the case in the OP's state, it doesn't mean she shouldn't attempt to find out how she can help keep her nephews (and their friends) safe from a potential pedophile.

ETA: He was convicted of aggravated sexual assault of an 8-year-old child. Pretty sure that his court order would disqualify him from being around all children, not just "certain children."

[A&A]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes 

I totally disagree with this. You do not have the ability to get enough information. It's not your responsibility to be his prosecutor and judge. It is your duty to do what you can to protect the kids. You must contact CPS, the police,  the parole office, and their father. 

Absolutely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   And let's recall.............he already DID have a prosecutor, a judge, and a defense attorney.  And was found guilty. 

Edited by A&A - 4/12/11 at 4:17pm

[A&A]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

I think is is sickening that so many people are sticking up for this creep. THIS is why so many children get molested and these B@$&@%ds never have any repercussions of it! When it comes to something this serious the children should get the benefit of the doubt period. Even if some people are innocent that get charged I would think that a lot more go free.

This man is convicted and we should give him the benefit of the doubt? Hell no. I am on that poor little girls side that he attacked. I am also for calling any and every authority you can and making sure your nephews are safe.

Exactly.  CONVICTED.  Not just accused.  CONVICTED of AGGRAVATED sexual assault.   And don't you think, that if he were innocent and spent time in jail, he'd now want to stay far and away from children so he didn't get "wrongly" accused again??!  The fact that he wants to be around children, after being convicted of such a thing, speaks volumes. 

OP, PLEASE call CPS, the boys' father, and the local police.  I know you love your sister, but you need to love your nephews more. 
 

[New_Natural_Mom]

I would call CPS and notify them.  I would call the police and notify them that he has not updated his info.  I would probably try to contact his parole officer and find the case details and possibly court transcripts if that is possible.  I would definitely contact the boys' father and let him know.  I would also tell everyone in the family so they know as well.  Could this isolate your sister?  Yes.  Is it worth it to protect her children and other children.  Yes!  Heaven forbid she gets pregnant and is tied to him forever!!

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Listen, I know child molesters are a really iffy topic in this community but when I posted I was keeping in mind a few things mainly that I'm reading from a COMPLETE outsiders perspective. I'm reading a post on a forum! I would be hesitant to give someone such concrete advice that could alter lives when I don't really know 100% of the story, and the truth. I don't think OP should go out and high five the guy, but I also wouldn't go ahead and call the police. I think she should just talk to the guy, I mean what not. She doesn't have to have her kids around him, can go ahead and tell the step-Dad, and can tell her sister he's not welcome but I would ALSO talk to him. Ask him why he hide it, etc. I mean why not? 

The truth (I think) is this: anyone who's had a bad experience with a molester of any kind is going to be very much inclined to call the police on him. I'm just saying TALK first before making any decision.
 

No that is NOT the turth: The truth is child molesters especially CONVICTED ONES should not get the benefit of the doubt.

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it. 
 

This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story. 

I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister) 

So you think ruining a relationship is more important than saving kids from being raped?

Your posts and opinion on this have made my stomach turn. It is this line of thinking that leads to more kids getting molested or for molestation to not stop.

I have never been molested but I was raped when I was 21 and let me tell you it is very real. Do you think my rapist is like "Oh yeah I did rape that woman" yeah I don't think so...

My mom was molested and no one believed her and in the end she could never cope and committed suicide...hmm now if only SOMEONE gave her the benefit of the doubt and stopped the molestation maybe she wouldn't have done it.

NO relationship is worth preserving over this.