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SIL marrying a pedophile RESOLUTION Post 209 - Page 4

post #61 of 213

I would definitely, definitely call the police and CPS. Say that his parole does, for some reason, allow him to live with minor children and that he did actually update his address with the registry and they just haven't updated their website yet. If that's the case, then he's not going to get in trouble. But he was CONVICTED of AGGRAVATED sexual assault of an EIGHT-year-old. Common sense dictates that precautions be taken here.

post #62 of 213

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.

 

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after,  etc, Share concerns and what not. 

post #63 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.

 

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after,  etc, Share concerns and what not. 


Of course you're not advocating that her children get raped.  What you're doing, though, is showing the kind of attitude/fear/doubt..or whatever it is that enables predators and their enablers.  You're assuming the best of the guy, which is what most people do, but that's what's dangerous.   Predators count on that.  They count on the fact that you'll come to them first and then they can explain it away.  Her sister is enabling putting her children in danger and if nobody calls her on it and makes her own up to it, she can justify it to herself.  She needs to know it's not ok.  It's really, really hard for people to stand up to a loved one in this situation and I think the OP is doing an awesome job of it.  Sitting down and talking with her and the guy and getting the "whole" story treats this situation like it's a normal, respectable situation and it's not.  It's an absolute, dangerous, irresponsible thing to do.  You don't sit down and discuss this. 

She said that she did talk to her SIL, she did look into the guy, the SIL is not acting on the information.  The father of the children has been informed.  She's doing what she needs to be doing, but it's hard and she needs to know that she's doing the right thing by standing firm on this and acting on it. 

 

When you're someone who's had this happen to them, people like you are infuriating.  It's not against you and it's not your fault, but you need to know that abused kids have consistently been let down by people who think that this stuff is stuff for discussion and that it's something you can reason out.  So, you're getting the blunt of the anger here, it's not you, it's everyone who didn't act because of the thoughts that you're thinking about this.  It's very common.

 

post #64 of 213


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.

 

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after,  etc, Share concerns and what not. 


I understand what you are saying.  There may be more to the story.  Our neighbor was falsely accused by an ex girlfriend during a custody dispute.  He went to court, he plead not guilty, the girl friend's two sons recanted the story under oath.  The judge through out the case, the ex girlfriend kidnapped their daughter and left the state.  Our neighbor spent years trying to recover his child. The ex girlfriend admitted in court she coached her sons to accuse him of sexual abuse to protect her current husband who was molesting the little girl.  That cr@p does happen.  And yes, I let my kids play at the neighbor's house.  He's a great guy and one of our closest friends.  He was innocent and he was almost screwed by the system.  The thing is he has never hidden any of the story from us. He didn't lie. He likes my kids, but he clearly finds them kind of annoying and clearly isn't trying to be their friend or groom them.    

 

But, this isn't a rumor.  It is not an unsubstantiated accusation.  Maybe, the best approach is to speak to the SIL in a non confrontational and supportive way.  That approach might work and it might allow the SIL to face the reality of the situation.  I would draw the line at talking to the SIL's boyfriend.  He lied to her, he's a convicted sex offender, and he was convicted of aggravated assault.  To put it in perspective, my abuser was convicted of multiple accounts of child endangerment, sexual assault, and sodomy .  Even though he did permanent physical damage to one of my cousins, he wasn't charged with aggravated assault.  Aggravated assault is really bad.    

 

post #65 of 213
I think the most disturbing part about this whole thing is that the reaction of the SIL to hearing this news was to move in with him. If I found out something like this the day I was moving in with my husband 13 years ago, I would have at the very least postponed it until I figured out what the hell was going on, and I didn't even have kids then. That shows me that SIL is not using her best judgment about this man.

Aside from all that, if he's going to kids baseball games, that's a huge problem - even on the off chance it was a completely bogus conviction. I would imagine he's legally prohibited from attending functions like that - and even if he's not, he's clearly not using his best judgment by doing so. I would contact the parole department and report that a convicted sex offender is living wiht people under 18 and attending functions that have children present. That's not messing up anyone's life - if he is permitted legally to do these things, nothing will come of it. If he's not, well, he's the one who went against the terms of his parole. His choice to face the consequences, whatever they may be.
post #66 of 213


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post




Of course you're not advocating that her children get raped.  What you're doing, though, is showing the kind of attitude/fear/doubt..or whatever it is that enables predators and their enablers.  You're assuming the best of the guy, which is what most people do, but that's what's dangerous.   Predators count on that.  They count on the fact that you'll come to them first and then they can explain it away.  Her sister is enabling putting her children in danger and if nobody calls her on it and makes her own up to it, she can justify it to herself.  She needs to know it's not ok.  It's really, really hard for people to stand up to a loved one in this situation and I think the OP is doing an awesome job of it.  Sitting down and talking with her and the guy and getting the "whole" story treats this situation like it's a normal, respectable situation and it's not.  It's an absolute, dangerous, irresponsible thing to do.  You don't sit down and discuss this. 

She said that she did talk to her SIL, she did look into the guy, the SIL is not acting on the information.  The father of the children has been informed.  She's doing what she needs to be doing, but it's hard and she needs to know that she's doing the right thing by standing firm on this and acting on it. 

 

When you're someone who's had this happen to them, people like you are infuriating.  It's not against you and it's not your fault, but you need to know that abused kids have consistently been let down by people who think that this stuff is stuff for discussion and that it's something you can reason out.  So, you're getting the blunt of the anger here, it's not you, it's everyone who didn't act because of the thoughts that you're thinking about this.  It's very common.

 



This exactly!

post #67 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.

 

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after,  etc, Share concerns and what not. 


I'm really confused about what you're advocating for here. The OP says she already talk to her SIL, who responded by moving in with the guy and taking her kids with her. She has already spoken to her SIL. Honestly, I don't' care if he's one of the few people who were falsely convicted. If you know a convicted sex offender is likely in violation of his parole and working to get near children, the responsible thing to do is to let the authorities sort that out. I can't imagine what SIL or the new man could have to say that would convince me that contacting the parole department wouldn't be the right thing to do. What would you need to hear to make you comfortable not contacting the authorities? Or what would you need to hear to convince you that you should?
post #68 of 213

It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step. 

post #69 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step. 



It's the OP's SIL, not her sister.

 

That aside, I guess I'm wondering what you think this would accomplish? What's the point of sitting down and talking to the SIL? She didn't know he'd been convicted (let me repeat again - of aggravated sexual assault of an 8 year old!), and when she found out, she moved in that same night. This is not someone who's prepared to listen to reason on this subject. She hasn't had time to think it over, look at the big picture, get details, etc. She found out what he'd been convicted of, then they moved in together right away. What's the point in talking to her about it?

post #70 of 213
I'm under the impression that it's not her sister, but her husband's sister. That could make a huge difference in how comfortable the OP feels in talking to her herself. In any case, again, I don't see what any one could say to convince me that reporting him isn't the right thing to do - and I wouldn't be giving a heads up that I was about to do that in order to allow the guy to come up with some story or way to get his story straight, you know? I mean, sure, the SIL and nephews might need to someone to talk to, but in my eyes that's secondary to reporting this parole violation. This isn't the same as a guy who stole a car being on parole and hanging out for a night with an old buddy who was also on parole (and therefore not supposed to associate with each other). If that was the case, I'd just think, "Hmm, that's a dumb thing to do." But moving in with a woman with children and going to children's events when you're on parole from an aggravated sexual assault of a child? The stakes are much higher there, and the emotional needs of my SIL and nephews would be secondary to protecting the physical safety of potential victims. Of course, I think sexual abuse of a child should be crime that carries a life time sentence, so I wouldn't' feel any guilt about getting someone convicted of something like that sent back to jail, even on a parole "technicality."
post #71 of 213

Wow.  I'm not a victim, so I am not coming at this with any kind of baggage or fear, for the record. 

 

(I'm not dismissing concerns, I'm just saying that some might because they will just say that those people are over cautious.  I don't think you are, and I am really, really sorry for the trauma so many of you have endured.)

 

But, this smells wrong.  All wrong.  And I vote for calling the police.

 

 

post #72 of 213

"There may be more to the story than you know."

 

There may be. I absolutely believe that innocent men are accused of child molestation and railroaded into plea deals or convicted on shaky evidence, all the time. Precisely BECAUSE child molestation is so horrible, prosecutors and judges and juries and defense attorneys and the accused men themselves freak out and don't always make rational decisions when these cases are going through the courts. 

 

All that isn't really relevant to what the OP needs to do, though. If there's a registered sex offender who hasn't updated his address living with her nephews and attending their freaking baseball games and getting all kinds of access to children via his new kid-loving partner, then the cops and CPS need to hear about it. What the OP does not about they case, THEY can find out. If he's allowed to be around minors now, fine and dandy. If not, getting the authorities involved will spare the SIL some serious potential trouble on down the line. Even if no kid ever gets hurt on her watch, she could end up with a CPS case just because she let this guy live with her. If she's not in a place where she can realize that, then her family needs to intervene ASAP. 

post #73 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

"There may be more to the story than you know."

 

There may be. I absolutely believe that innocent men are accused of child molestation and railroaded into plea deals or convicted on shaky evidence, all the time. Precisely BECAUSE child molestation is so horrible, prosecutors and judges and juries and defense attorneys and the accused men themselves freak out and don't always make rational decisions when these cases are going through the courts. 

 

All that isn't really relevant to what the OP needs to do, though. If there's a registered sex offender who hasn't updated his address living with her nephews and attending their freaking baseball games and getting all kinds of access to children via his new kid-loving partner, then the cops and CPS need to hear about it. What the OP does not about they case, THEY can find out. If he's allowed to be around minors now, fine and dandy. If not, getting the authorities involved will spare the SIL some serious potential trouble on down the line. Even if no kid ever gets hurt on her watch, she could end up with a CPS case just because she let this guy live with her. If she's not in a place where she can realize that, then her family needs to intervene ASAP. 


I totally agree with this post.
post #74 of 213

actually, if they are teen boys and have any sort of weird feelings about their soon to be step father they are very unlikely to report it to anyone.  if they have already been abused by their STBSF they are VERY unlikely to report it.  because the act of a man raping a boy brings up all sorts of questions about their own sexuality teen boys are very very unlikely to report their abuse.  

call the cops and their father. let all family members know what it up.  probably some will feel they can give the benefit of the doubt to this man.  fine, that is their right to do.  but they need to know the truth about this man. and i would also NOT call the SIL and inform her they were going to call CPS/Cops because it would allow them time for him to move out.  And, honestly if a family member is bringing a convicted sex offender into the family, i think she has already let me know what she thinks of our relationship.  As someone who lost her brother to suicide due to his "bad experience" being molested as a child, nope, i would have no sympathy for either of these people.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step. 



 

post #75 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post



Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense.
 

 

I could be totally wrong, but I thought that sexual assault against a child under 14 is automatically considered aggravated sexual assault. Whereas in the case of an adult victim it implies physical maimings, kidnapping etc.
post #76 of 213


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

It sounded more like the OP's husband was talking to her sister and that they never really spoke spoke. That's the conclusion I made, which is why I was saying she should try to reach out and get contact..and if the kids are teens (just re-reading) shouldn't they be able to talk about their concerns/give more insider information on the relationship? So based on the fact that I was under the impression she never actually spoke to her sister and was really hearing the information through her husband/others that maybe she should do her best to contact the teen sons/her sister. Maybe even to say "listen, I feel uncomfortable and want to report an unregistered sex offender.." That I personally think should be the next step. 



banghead.gif  

post #77 of 213

*WARNING, sexual abuse triggers*

 

But, people who think OP should not call the police or CPS, why would it not be her "job" to do so? OP is not part of the law enforcement or judiciary system and is not a trained psychologist either, I think? It is up to the police to decide whether this individual is breaking the law, and up to CPS to decide whether the kids are safe. If only one person in my own life would have taken the attitude opposite to the one many of you have, and called the police, I would still have been the victim of a pedophile. I would still have been raped. But it would have stopped earlier, and I would have known that at least, there is somebody who cares.

 

In my case (like the OP's SIL and her kids, actually!) the situation was so obvious you could see it from an airplane. Pedophile meets 11 year old at birthday party and then seduces her single mom, showers her with gifts and takes her out to expensive restaurants every day. We lived in Europe. He drove me to school every day and picked me up after, taking me to his home while my mom was working. He made me tell everyone at school that he was my uncle to avoid suspicions, even though I'm American and he was British. The English teacher was competent enough to notice this, and even asked me about it. Nobody lifted a finger.

 

I started dressing in black and withdrew completely. Then, people at school and in the family thought I had some kind of personality disorder, rather than pointing at the pedophile. I told my mom when I found out he raped my class friend. He apparently approached her after he'd seen us together. I sat in front of the police station for ours after she would not listen and actually made me HUG him to say sorry. Should I report him? I had read in a children's book that the foster care system was really bad, and I knew I'd be taken into custody IF the police would believe me. I did not report it, and felt guilty for years. Is it a 12 year old's responsibility to report something like that? Could NOBODY have done ANYTHING?

 

Eventually, I struggled with school for many reasons other than being a rape victim on a daily basis. I convinced my mom to let me live with relatives in the States to finish my education. That is how, at almost 15, I finally escaped. And of course, the pedophile "dumped" my mom within days after I left.

 

Again, don't leave those boys to struggle by themselves but do something. I know that even one person doing that for me would have meant I would not have not lost total faith in humanity for many, many years. Being falsely accused sucks. Having other people meddle in the relationship with what you think is the love of your life sucks. Being raped by a pedophile and getting no help from any adult when you're a young kid sucks much, much more. Believe me.

post #78 of 213


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post

Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it. 
 

This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story. 

 

I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister) 



And doing the opposite and not "jumping", as you put it, can damage those kids for life, really badly. Which is worse? This is a situation that requires action precisely BECAUSE sexual abuse is so serious. It is safe to say that cases in which a pedophile gets off "unharmed" are much more prevalent that cases where someone was wrongfully convicted.

post #79 of 213
Quote:
Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post
I sat in front of the police station for ours after she would not listen and actually made me HUG him to say sorry. Should I report him? I had read in a children's book that the foster care system was really bad, and I knew I'd be taken into custody IF the police would believe me. I did not report it, and felt guilty for years. Is it a 12 year old's responsibility to report something like that? Could NOBODY have done ANYTHING?


OT. Beyond sick. MittensKittens - my heart breaks for you. I don't know how you could have the strength to carry on, or have any trust or faith in anyone, no matter how many years. But I am glad you did. That you have chosen to grow. What internal strength you must have!

 

OP - Please call the police and CPS. Let them determine how to proceed. 

post #80 of 213


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonR View Post




OT. Beyond sick. MittensKittens - my heart breaks for you. I don't know how you could have the strength to carry on, or have any trust or faith in anyone, no matter how many years. But I am glad you did. That you have chosen to grow. What internal strength you must have!

 

OP - Please call the police and CPS. Let them determine how to proceed. 


Thanks for your support. I did not share my experience because I want pity, or anything similar, but to show that children in such situations NEED and DESERVE support. Why is it that sexual predators are so often given the benefit of the doubt, while children who tell their parents, or teachers, or anyone else about sexual abuse are not heard? There is something very wrong with that situation.

 

I'm fine now. Of course, stuff like this does leave lasting marks on a person. I no longer have much or any contact with my mother, and the relatives who talked about the situation with her and all concluded I was lying.

 

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