SIL marrying a pedophile RESOLUTION Post 209 - Page 5

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens 

Thanks for your support. I did not share my experience because I want pity, or anything similar, but to show that children in such situations NEED and DESERVE support. Why is it that sexual predators are so often given the benefit of the doubt, while children who tell their parents, or teachers, or anyone else about sexual abuse are not heard? There is something very wrong with that situation.

I'm fine now. Of course, stuff like this does leave lasting marks on a person. I no longer have much or any contact with my mother, and the relatives who talked about the situation with her and all concluded I was lying.

Exactly, you shared to prove a point so these kids can get help! I am glad you had the strength to do that b/c some people just aren't seeing the severity of the situation.

Like I said before I was never molested but I was beaten on a daily basis. No one helped me or my sibs...the cops even came to the house on several occasions from neighbor complaints and EVERY time they ask my father (who was the abuser) "What's going on here/are you hitting these kids" of course my father said no and they always left! I was spoken to ONCE and that was with a black eye and a bloody lip and they asked me what happened (I was 5) and I said I fell down the stairs. This was after our next door neighbor called them and said there was screaming going on. Yet not one person called CPS or actually helped us! People don't like to "get involved" with these things.

Please be brave and do the right thing OP.

[Arduinna]

I'd call the police and find out who to report his lack of local registration to, I'm guessing it's his parole officer but I don't know. Then I'd contact the childrens biodad and tell him so that he can start a custody case to get his kids back and require visitation limits when they do see their mom. If bio dad isn't in the picture I'd call child protective services and see what they can do. I'd do everything I can to get those children away from this man even if that means they lost their mom, if she is pathetic enough to chose him over her own kids health and welfare she isn't fit to be a parent.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Not everyone, I mean if you're found with a bloody knife standing over a body I'm going to assume you did it. 
 

This is my thought on this certain situation; dealing with accusations (convictions, etc) of child molestation is really a big deal and I understand that completely. I also put myself in the OPs position and imagine if my brother had told me something similar. My brother isn't an idiot, and before I went and called the police, or CPS, or anyone I would talk to him personally -- I might even talk to his partner. Again, I wouldn't allow my two babes over there but I would get more information. Because (and I'm pretending this is my own scenario) maybe my brother knows something I didn't, after all he's not unstable himself so why would he "allow" this to happen if there wasn't more to the story. 

I think it's very easy to hear something horrible and jump, but jumping can hurt. It can ruin relationships (as in the OP and her sister) 

I'm completely stunned that anyone is equating an accusation to a conviction. This is not a case of he said, she said. The man is a confirmed convicted pedophile. Talking to him isn't going to change that. This dream world reality that there is anything he can say that will change the facts of his conviction of aggrevated sexual assault of an 8 year old is well, just astounding in its denial of the realities of the truth of his conviction.

This kind of attitude puts more children at risk. I hope to God your own children never come in contact with a pedophile.
 

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after,  etc, Share concerns and what not. 

It's not her sister, it's her SIL and the OPs dh did already talk to his sister, and she moved in with the guy anyway. I'm curious what this convicted pedophile could say that would make you think that it's perfectly fine for him to be around children, specifically the nephews of the OP and the OPs children.

[mommariffic]

To the poster who was asking:

Yes, for anyone under 14 it turns into aggravated assault. 

And I'm done posting, I think that there's so so much more we aren't hearing and I'm sorry to all those that don't like my replies. I was just voicing my thoughts because the system SUCKS both ways and we are on the Internet, who knows what the real story is. 

[Mulvah]

I agree with the majority and hopefully you will update us saying that your SIL has left him after the cops were called, CPS was called, and his parole officer was called. 

Regardless, I just want to say that whether or not the man molested a child is inconsequential.  He was convicted, so in the eyes of the court, he is guilty.  I'm not saying the system is perfect, but this is someone who was convicted of molesting a child; it should be taken seriously.  (Also, yes, accusations happen in custody disputes and when it is false, it is often discovered to be false.  Again, not at all implying that the system is perfect.)  Furthermore, an innocent is likely to bring this up in conversation before proposing.  That is a red flag.  My harsh opinion is that this sex offender is preying on your SIL because of her children. 

I'm sorry your entire family is going through this and I pray her children are not impacted by it.

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

To the poster who was asking:

Yes, for anyone under 14 it turns into aggravated assault. 

And I'm done posting, I think that there's so so much more we aren't hearing and I'm sorry to all those that don't like my replies. I was just voicing my thoughts because the system SUCKS both ways and we are on the Internet, who knows what the real story is. 

I haven't read your previous responses, but yes, the system does suck.  I think this situation is where the saying "better to be safe than sorry" is best used! 

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy 

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Yes, that bears repeating. An aggravated sexual assault means that there was injury or permanent damage done. This wasn't fondling or even what I'd consider molesting (not that those aren't damaging). This was actual harm being done to a child. This man was CONVICTED of causing injury to a child in the commission of a sex offense.
 

I could be totally wrong, but I thought that sexual assault against a child under 14 is automatically considered aggravated sexual assault. Whereas in the case of an adult victim it implies physical maimings, kidnapping etc.

In some states, it may be that way, but many states have the system set up in a sort of tiered system, so that you can be charged with molestation, which is inappropriate touching, including genital contact. Sexual assault would include any type of penetration, and aggravated means either danger or in at least one state it means penetration with a foreign object.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by mommariffic 

Okay has the OP even replied to any of this (I am not seeing it, but I may be missing something) because I'd like to see what her response is and what her actions are going to be. I am not saying that the police shouldn't be notified or serious measures shouldn't be taken..in fact I have NOT said that, I am saying the OP should TALK TO HER SISTER FIRST.

Sorry I am making stomachs churn, really. And I'm sorry so many people have had such terrible experiences with men but I am not defending a child molester here either. In the entire history of the world have child molesters been accused and convicted falsely -- the answer is probably yes, and maybe a slim amount. I am also not saying this is the case but when the subject comes up anyone who's had a traumatizing story is going to obviously share it, and be very pro "get the guy and bring him down.." and that's fine but don't make my posts sound like I'm defending this idiot. We don't even know the whole story, it's an Internet forum, I am not avocadating her children get RAPED or she put them in danger, I was simply saying she should talk to her sister and than go from there. Call the police after,  etc, Share concerns and what not. 

The OP's DH, the SIL's brother, did talk to her. She moved in anyway.

OP, I just wanted to give you some hope actually. We were in a similar situation a number of years ago and my DH and I voiced our concerns about the man my SIL was involved with. It took her a few months, but she did eventually break off the relationship.  I do think our having said something contributed to her ability to get it together...we all wish she had done so earlier, but the important thing was that she did come to that decision.

I also agree though that cutting contact may punish the kids more than anyone else. I would try to stay in contact, and if possible see the kids and even the SIL without the pedophile BF around (invite them over or whatever).

In terms of the benefit of the doubt...I am a believer in second chances. When the person who is affected by giving the second chance is able to cope with the consequences of that not working out. In this case there are children involved who should not have to pay the price of an error in judgment. There are SO MANY WAYS TO DATE that do not involve moving one's kids in with a convicted pedophile.

[scottishmommy]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

In some states, it may be that way, but many states have the system set up in a sort of tiered system, so that you can be charged with molestation, which is inappropriate touching, including genital contact. Sexual assault would include any type of penetration, and aggravated means either danger or in at least one state it means penetration with a foreign object.

Ugh. Just thinking about this makes my stomach turn.
I've been thinking about this thread a lot. I do believe that there are men who are wrongfully accused and convicted of these crimes. I have a very dear friend in that situation. The difference is that my friend is totally by the book when it comes to his parole. And I mean by the book. He doesn't have a computer or email address because he doesn't want any well meaning friends to send him pictures of their children( birth announcements, etc.) He never leaves the city where he lives without notifying his parole officer and getting permission in writing to go to another town (even if it is in the same state). The list goes on. He's also incredibly open about what happened to him. His girlfriend and her family know everything. Everyone in our community knows. It's not a secret.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens 

Thanks for your support. I did not share my experience because I want pity, or anything similar, but to show that children in such situations NEED and DESERVE support. Why is it that sexual predators are so often given the benefit of the doubt, while children who tell their parents, or teachers, or anyone else about sexual abuse are not heard? There is something very wrong with that situation.

I'm fine now. Of course, stuff like this does leave lasting marks on a person. I no longer have much or any contact with my mother, and the relatives who talked about the situation with her and all concluded I was lying.

Bolding mine

People are scared to confront other adults with an accusation so horrible.  It's gonna rock their world and it's much easier to file it under "must have been a misunderstanding" than to take action and risk the pain that you know will come to YOU when you confront.  You may be called a liar, you may be ostracized,  a mother may fear for the financial security of her family, a friend may fear losing a friend.  It's amazing to me how people can know this stuff is going on and go on about their business. 

Everyone in my family knew, everyone in my school knew and finally, I just stopped talking about it because it was easier than to deal with the whole thing.  It was scary as hell to sit in that big official room, in the middle on a cold chair surrounded by strange grownups who wanted to hear my story (this was some kind of initial jury, not sure what).  They didn't get 1/4th of it because of the intimidating setup of the room.  I certainly didn't want to go through that again and it hadn't worked the first time, so why would it work the 2nd time. Every-time I told, something bad happened and the problem still continued.  My mother would ask me "Nothing's happening anymore, right?" and look at me so scared of my answer.  I finally just said "no, nothing's happening." 

When I hear about people like the OP and her husband, I'm in awe.   They're the exception, to face the fear and act anyway.  I guess it's easier if you don't know the guy and there's already a pretty firm record of what he did in the past.  It would be much harder if it were someone you already knew (or thought you did) who is enmeshed in your life. 

[Lucy Alden]

I'm coming back to this thread yet again.

To all you mamas that have survived sexual abuse, thank you for sharing your stories.  You have shown why it is so very important to speak up and protect our children.  And my heart is breaking that there was no one in your lives to do the same.

Mommarific, I know you have already left the thread but I look at it this way:

If the man was wrongfully convicted, his life is already damaged.  He is an adult and can work day and night to correct the conviction if it is wrong.

However, if the man was correctly convicted, there are many children whose lives WILL be damaged.  They are children and do not have a voice to prevent said damage.

We have an obligation to protect those who cannot protect themselves.  In this case, it is the children he's coming into contact with.

And I am coming at this as someone who has never been sexually assaulted and is pretty free range with my kids.  But even I can see the train wreck that will happen if no one steps in.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom 

Bolding mine

People are scared to confront other adults with an accusation so horrible.  It's gonna rock their world and it's much easier to file it under "must have been a misunderstanding" than to take action and risk the pain that you know will come to YOU when you confront.  You may be called a liar, you may be ostracized,  a mother may fear for the financial security of her family, a friend may fear losing a friend.  It's amazing to me how people can know this stuff is going on and go on about their business. 

Everyone in my family knew, everyone in my school knew and finally, I just stopped talking about it because it was easier than to deal with the whole thing.  It was scary as hell to sit in that big official room, in the middle on a cold chair surrounded by strange grownups who wanted to hear my story (this was some kind of initial jury, not sure what).  They didn't get 1/4th of it because of the intimidating setup of the room.  I certainly didn't want to go through that again and it hadn't worked the first time, so why would it work the 2nd time. Every-time I told, something bad happened and the problem still continued.  My mother would ask me "Nothing's happening anymore, right?" and look at me so scared of my answer.  I finally just said "no, nothing's happening." 

When I hear about people like the OP and her husband, I'm in awe.   They're the exception, to face the fear and act anyway.  I guess it's easier if you don't know the guy and there's already a pretty firm record of what he did in the past.  It would be much harder if it were someone you already knew (or thought you did) who is enmeshed in your life. 

I am sorry. That "interrogation" sounds daunting. How old were you?

You're right, the OP and her husband are the exception, and it's great to know there are such fine people about.

[chaoticzenmom]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens 

I am sorry. That "interrogation" sounds daunting. How old were you?

You're right, the OP and her husband are the exception, and it's great to know there are such fine people about.

I was 12.  I'm 35 now, so I hope that there have been some changes on how that's handled these days.  These kinds of stories really bring out the personal stories.  I hope the OP's SIL wakes up.

[sosurreal09]

everyone. Sometimes people just suck. I could never see a child in any danger and just look away.

Mommarific- I hope you never let any man who was convicted or any charge of molestation around your children based on his "word" that even though the system has found him guilty. Of course a molester is going to say "Oh no the gov is corrupt, the system is wrong, I am innocent! Now let me play with your kids." I am sorry but you opinions are dead wrong when it comes to this. It's more than better safe than sorry, it's more than "we are on a forum and don't know the whole story", it is about saving the children period. He was tried and convicted that is the only thing that you need to know before calling the cops, CPS, and any other authority you see fit. A conviction is not something to be over looked b/c of the very slim possibility that the system got it all wrong and this guy is a total saint.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Lucy Alden 

I'm coming back to this thread yet again.

To all you mamas that have survived sexual abuse, thank you for sharing your stories.  You have shown why it is so very important to speak up and protect our children.  And my heart is breaking that there was no one in your lives to do the same.

Mommarific, I know you have already left the thread but I look at it this way:

If the man was wrongfully convicted, his life is already damaged.  He is an adult and can work day and night to correct the conviction if it is wrong.

However, if the man was correctly convicted, there are many children whose lives WILL be damaged.  They are children and do not have a voice to prevent said damage.

We have an obligation to protect those who cannot protect themselves.  In this case, it is the children he's coming into contact with.

And I am coming at this as someone who has never been sexually assaulted and is pretty free range with my kids.  But even I can see the train wreck that will happen if no one steps in.

Agreed, and I just wanted to chime in that if he had a false conviction, it seems like it would have been one of the first things he told his new girlfriend. If he was innocent, he shouldnt have a problem saying, "Hey, I just want to let you know before things move further that I have been falsely convicted of this and I dont want you hearing it through the rumor mill or thinking that I was keeping it from you."

[VocalMinority]

Scary.  But not simplistic.

When I started seeing my husband, my Dad looked into his background and my parents wanted to know how on Earth I (with 2 kids already) could date someone who had beaten his ex-wife and little boy?  Some ex-wives do, indeed, make things up.  And the more I've gotten to know about DH's ex, the more it surprises me that she's never upped the ante to a false molestation allegation.  After all, she has accused 2 other men in her life of molesting her - and later recanted, when she "reconciled" with those men.

Courts also wrongly convict people.  There is nothing simple or fail-safe about our judicial system.  Women tend to come across more sympathetically than men.  It is easy for most people to buy into stereotypes of the victimized child from a broken home; the valiant, protective single mother who needs society's support; the abusive man who singlehandedly destroyed his family.  It is harder for people to cross the threshold of initial disbelief and buy into stories about sweet-seeming women who, beneath the surface, are master manipulators who wreak hateful vengeance on men who leave them, by carefully crafting horrific stories that discredit the man for life and destroy his relationship with their children.  But - sometimes - sweet-seeming women really are like that.  Sometimes, the nice legal theory of "innocent until proven guilty" is a bunch of bunk and a man is treated as guilty unless he can find overwhelming proof of his innocence.  And it can be tough to prove you didn't do something.  My DH has never been convicted of any of his ex-wife's accusations, but it is pure luck.  For example, one of the times his ex accused him of stalking her, trying to break into her house and threatening to kill her, the random day/time she chose to assign to that complaint happened to be while DH was in a meeting - out of state - with a federal contracts officer.  And federal contracts officers just happen to keep detailed logs of their work days, which are admissible - and credible - in court.  Had DH been jogging, alone in his office, or with someone a jury might believe would lie for him (like his mother, or me) during the hour his ex-wife claimed he did these things, he would have been unable to prove he was innocent and would certainly have served time in jail.  Also, prosecutors commonly encourage people to plead guilty to a lesser charge (even when the person insists they're innocent), by talking up their case as though there's no chance the person will "get off" if they go to trial.  That tactic on the part of the prosecutor can be absolutely terrifying.  My DH is an unusual person.  He did not give in, went to trial, demanded a jury and won.  But if jury members had found his ex more sympathetic, who knows how it would've gone?  It was all he said/she said.  In short, I can absolutely understand why some people would plead guilty to something they didn't do, for fear of receiving even worse consequences, for something worse that they also didn't do.  Sometimes people are just f***ed, one way or the other, from the moment a person who hates them decides to falsely accuse them.

On the other hand, there are people who do, indeed, molest children!  So, shouldn't women err on the side of caution and steer clear of any guy who's accused, much less convicted?  You certainly can't blame any woman who chooses that path.  Honestly?  It's the path I would choose.  But, it's tragic to think that a bitter ex-wife might render a man "untouchable" by falsely accusing him of molesting their child.  Not only does he endure the Hell of prosecution, but he's doomed to be alone forever?   

Personally, by the time I started dating my now-DH, I felt 100% sure about him because he was up-front with me (long before my Dad found out about the abuse allegations from his ex); he never avoided answering my (endless) questions; he gave me access to their (enormous) legal files so I could read for myself everything his ex-wife had said about him (and how he responded); and he didn't mind when I searched online databases for police reports or court dockets that might not have been in his files.  Basically, his stories were very consistent.  Hers were wildly inconsistent.  And many times, when she was pressed to define what the alleged "abuse" actually was, it was not what I would call abuse (like showing up for visitation even when she told DH she didn't want him to come that week).  It would not have been OK with me, to find out after we committed to each other, that DH had a criminal history.  

But, did your sister really not know?  Is it possible she's discussed this with her fiance ad nauseum, but didn't feel comfortable telling anyone else, so she feigned surprise when you brought it up?  Also, like I said, my DH is an unusual person.  I can see why other men - if they have been falsely accused - might think the only way to have a relationship afterward would be to keep quiet about it.  I think that's a bad approach, but it doesn't necessarily mean they were guilty.

So the bottom line is, what do you know about your sister?  Does she usually have a good head on her shoulders, or is she impulsive?  What kind of decisions did she make, before this guy came along?  How careful a parent is she?  How well did she seem to know this guy, before you found out about his past?  If I were you, I wouldn't let my own kids be in her home without me and, even when I was with my kids at her house, I would make sure my kids and my new BIL weren't out of my sight at the same time.  But as far as intervening in the custody of HER kids (which would be a major - probably irreparable - breach in your relationship), how much do you trust her to make good decisions?  There's a chance she really does know this guy - and the situation - well enough to feel confident he's safe.           

[Ambystoma]

OP-it's not your worry about whether he may be innocent or not. If you report to CPS/parole/police/family members (all of which I would do!), and he is in the right legally, no harm no foul. They might be irritated at you for a bit, but that's not the worst thing ever.

If you don't report and he is not innocent (which I would be inclined to believe since he was convicted) then who knows what could happen. 

I agree with those that say report and put it into the government/police's hands. 

[Shantimama]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Agreed, and I just wanted to chime in that if he had a false conviction, it seems like it would have been one of the first things he told his new girlfriend. If he was innocent, he shouldnt have a problem saying, "Hey, I just want to let you know before things move further that I have been falsely convicted of this and I dont want you hearing it through the rumor mill or thinking that I was keeping it from you."

It is so hard to get sexual offenders convicted in the first place and sentences are usually pathetically short when they do happen. I have a really hard time believing that there are many falsely accused and convicted men out there. I know there are some but I also know that there are a great many victims and survivors whose attackers never got caught or if they did, got away with their crimes. Courts don't convict sexual offenders easily because of the harm such a record can do to their lives. It seems that usually it is assumed it is much better to let a child's life be devastated than taking the risk of falsely accusing and harming some nice man.

It is far more likely that an offender will deny their guilt than a child will falsely accuse someone of hurting them in such a shameful and devastating way. Even when there is evidence there are lawyers who are able to get a sexual offender deemed "innocent" of the crime. People are more likely to get away with raping a child than robbing a convenience store.

[kama'aina mama]

I am shocked and saddened that a number of people are convinced that men are convicted of abusing children on little or no evidence "all the time."  I think that if you had ever had any actual experience with the criminal justice system, around this issue in particular, you would not believe that.  It is very difficult to get a conviction in cases of this nature.  This contention that "bitter ex-wives" are throwing men in prison in droves, just on their word, is offensive and dangerous.