Husband just closed the door

[Scrapluvnmomma]

I think my husband just closed the door.
We tried for a few months, took a few months off but were not careful careful. Time to start again, I've kept DH very much in the light. Last month I did not ovulate. Now is the time again but DH has made some very pro-only comments. When we talk he kept saying he really doesn't feel against it, he loves having our one but the thought of another can make him smile. He worries about finances, etc. We had an awesome day today, joke about a Father's Day announcement.
This evening time kept slipping away and then he kept asking what I wanted, said he isn't sure. All day he thought he was but now that the time is here he really doesn't think we should. But then said maybe we should just see what happens. Then said if we can't say why we want another then we shouldn't.
I can see both sides, love life with our little one and at the same time worry about upsetting her world. I think she would be great as a big sis. I felt this way TTC her as well, lots of worries and in the end all was wonderful.
I believe both must want a child. This revelation of his has pushed me off the fence. I am sobbing hysterically, I am amazed at my feelings. I'm a little confused, when we went shopping he even said shouldn't you get caffeine free soda? I mean, his mind was there too.
Wow, I make no sense. I can hear him sleeping and I want to wake Him but I don't want to force him either.
Thanks for listening, I have no idea how to process this.

[RosieL]

:hugs It's such a difficult thing to not be 100% on the same page, even for a moment. Sounds like he's not closing the door, but rather is expressing fears and wavering. Of course, your hormones and emotions don't take his wavering as uncertainty...but as tragedy. :(  At least that's what happened to me when DH expressed his fears in vocabulary that sounded final last winter. I was hysterical, but privately, because I didn't want to push or freak him out more. He came around. 

[Scrapluvnmomma]

Thank you. I tried to keep this to myself but, honestly no matter what I did I couldn't stop crying. I am surprised and mad at myself for my reaction. I have felt his hesistation for weeks and told myself, if it isn't meant to be it isn't. I have prayed for God to give us an answer and realizing sometimes He does and we just don't like it.
Part of me prays he comes home today and has changed his mind but the other part thinks I would be crazy less than24 hours ago he said no. He said he feels that he gives all he can to us and he doesn't think he can give to another. That sounds no to me. He told me he didn't realize how much I wanted another (to be fair, neither did I until he said no).
Unfortunately for us for a variety of reasons it was now or never. Getting pregnant was not easy for us and we had mutually decided, I thought, to try now and be done with it and for me to get my IUD back in if we were unsuccessful.
Even if he came home and changed his mind I don't know that I can, he said no. I don't want to conceive a child from guilt.
The kicker is, I may not have even conceived, all this could have been for nothing. I'm just struggling because this was the plan, for 6 months this was thhe plan. And at 11 at night the plan changed. I don't know how that happened. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. I want to be angry and I think I am but how can I be angry for him feeling how he feels.

[Beppie]

   Just wanted to offer hugs.  I think your reaction is completely normal --- I think I would feel the same way.