Number of Children Discussion with DH

[WildDoula]

We sat down and really evaluated how many children we actually wanted the other night, and DH said that after thinking his ideal number is two. I had been hoping for four or more, to be honest, or as many as we could financially support.

I feel like two is such a blow. I know we have to take it day by day and child by child, and just wait to see how life pans out, but I like the thought of planning. And I know I want a larger family than four of us. We're both only children, and I just can't imagine only having one or two babies.

Am I being selfish? Am I being immature? I'm just kinda down about this, wondering how the compromise will work out. Seems kinda silly since we're only TTC #1, but I can't help feeling like my family won't be complete with two children. We're so young and I feel like getting pregnant now is "wasting" a chance, even though this is what we want so badly right now. Sorry for the rant. 

How did you all decide your family was complete?

[lookatreestar]

for us right now 2 works... both are still co-sleeping and nursing. dh works a lot and i do the majority of the parenting on my own. i know i cannot handle anymore children right now or in the near future. i say take it one day, one child at a time 

[ngaburon]

We have four and there are 13 years between the first and the last.  I always knew I wasnt done.  We tried for nine months for the second one and during that time my husband started to say maybe just one will be enough.  I was like, "what, I want four."  Anyway, after the second one, I needed a break and during that time I just kept saying I know there is one more, I knew in my heart and eventually he caved.  And years later, we had another.  I guess my point is I knew I wasnt done and it he did eventually come to trust my heart, but some people dont.  Either way, it is hard.  Really hard.  I meet so many people who tell me "I wish I had more kids,"   Either way, my heart is with you.  It always aches for a mama who feels in there heart there are more children to come and doesnt know if they will get the chance to.  Hugs to you!!!!

[trauerweidchen]

I don't have an easy answer for you; I ask myself this question too, with one toddler in the house. I am pretty sure we'll have one more baby, but two or three more? Hard to say.

What I can tell you is that having a child--especially that first one--changes your life in ways you can't imagine. As a PP said, take it one day, one child at a time. I think it's really hard to anticipate how your family will grow, and how you will feel down the road. I personally don't think there's much to be gained by worrying about it at this point; not only will things change with your first child, but your lives may also go in unexpected directions that make more children feasible, or influence you to keep your family small because it's the right thing for your family. If you'd told me a year ago that DH and I would be moving our family across the country to take a job at a startup company, I would have looked at you like you were crazy!

I think it's a great fact that you and your DH can have a rational conversation about your family, and from your tone it seems that it was a respectful conversation with room for things to change--these are all positive, hopeful signs! I'm a planner too, but I am working on letting that go and having some trust in an uncertain future, and that's comforting in a way (especially in birth work ). It's pretty tough to plan everything out perfectly so far in advance, and nothing (in my experience) teaches you that like having children!

Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

[pdiannet]

My thoughts are that your opinion will change over time.  Each kid is different and will propose different gifts and challenges.  You will notice that you may need more or less time in between each kid.  Also, your body will let you know what you can handle.  I truly believe God works everything out for good.  So, don't stress about it.  If you are open to having kids and it is God's will, they will be blessed upon you in time.  

[Jaimee]

We always assumed we would have two kids.  Then my daughter came along with all her spirit and challenge after challenge.  We questioned our ability to parent a second child.  My dh even went so far as to say he didn't want another one at all.  Then oops... I conceived my son while CTA (a 5 day old sperm situation).  It has definitely been hard, but I'm so glad we had him.  Then we knew we were done and we were discussing a vasectomy when oops... #3 is due in November.  So, I second what other posters have said... it's very difficult to plan these things because while you're planning the universe may have other ideas.  I would definitely just take it one step at a time and see how parenthood treats you.  You may find one or two is quite enough or your dh may find that three or four sounds great!  And, of course, the oops happen! 

[insidevoice]

I was sure I wanted two. Only two. Everyone in my family has two, and more than that is just strange.  So, I grew up knowing two was what our family size would be.  

Then I had one.  And 6 years went by before the second.   I had remarried in that time, so heck, I'd already not followed normal family expectations.  We had a third child just over a year after our second.  I was SURE throughout that pregnancy that we were done.  My family had even been asking when we were going to have a vasectomy/tubal ligation.

The first year was rough with the two so close, but then we found our stride.  I was hospitalized with major vaginal bleeding, and there was a question of  an emergency hysterectomy.  Thankfully, that didn't come to pass, but it was a very real wake up for both myself and my husband that we weren't as done as we'd thought. 

Now?  We are expecting a fourth around Christmas. 

Take it one at a time. 

The first and second were overwhelming for me, but by the third we really found our comfort zone and everything was much easier. 

[MsFortune]

If he wants two, and you want more, but don't have any yet, I'd suggest letting it go until you have two kids. At these point, any discussion is just theoretical. See how you both feel with two kids, and go from there. Your views may change, his may change, you never know. Stressing now is just borrowing trouble.

[Peony]

Originally Posted by MsFortune 

If he wants two, and you want more, but don't have any yet, I'd suggest letting it go until you have two kids. At these point, any discussion is just theoretical. See how you both feel with two kids, and go from there. Your views may change, his may change, you never know. Stressing now is just borrowing trouble.

Agreed. Everything can change so much based on so many things that are out of your control. Before I had children, I wanted 2. DH has wanted any number from 1-5 after our first child was born, and then that still changed over the years. We have 3 now, he willingly agreed to them. I'm pg with #4, my perfect number, but not his. This one was one of those babies that was very determined to be here, I'm at peace with that since 4 always seemed right to me but he very much is not. 

[WildDoula]

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughts and suggestions. I've decided to just take life as it comes (what else can ya do?) and everything will work out for the best.