Help me get brave to leave the house...

[AFWife]

I have a spirited 2 year old and a 3mo baby....I NEVER go out alone. Seriously, N.E.V.E.R. I didn't go out when it was just me and DS1 (Well, once and only because I absolutely had to get my ultrasound results for the MW...) He gets stir crazy and so do I...

Here's the dilemma: Nothing is within walking distance (the community park is 1/2mi up a steep hill) so I'd have to take the car...we're a single car family. DH is usually gone for work by the time we get up in the mornings (like, been gone an hour and a half) He doesn't get home until after 5pm on a "short" day. DS1 has been such a daddy's boy lately. I think it's because DS2 needs so much of my time. DS1 has kind of become DH's kid for now...he does baths, diapers, entertaining, etc...because I have to do everything for DS2.

Anyway, because I don't go out our errands back up and we spend the entire weekend doing groceries and other things. It's really gotten stale. We never get to enjoy our weekend because we're SO busy. Once shopping is finished we're usually doing housework that I couldn't get to during the week (uhm, all of it)

I have no idea what the logistics are for going out with two kids. How does grocery shopping work? Do I have to park next to a cart return? (DS is a runner and won't always hold hands) I have an Ergo and a stroller. I'd love to be able to take him out...but he's not a good listener (come on, he's 2!)

Help? Advice?

[insidevoice]

:)  It takes a bit to get up your courage, but that will only happen as you jump in!

Tandem babywearing is certainly an option at least from car to store. Another option is a toddler backpack/leash if you have a kid who is a runner. 

Most of the time, I wear one kid in a pack and have my older lo walk beside me holding my hand.  Whether or not he wants to is not part of the equation.  If I really want to make life easy, I put the bigger kid into the cart and buckle him there at the car, then put the lo on in a back carry. When we are done, the kids get buckled, then I return the cart to a cart return (even if it's a short distance away.  If it is too far, I leave the cart where we are parked. Ideal, no, but if they want my business, they will tolerate it. 

In a bit, I'm heading out to take two toddlers grocery shopping, and to the park to run around and have a picnic.  I'm pretty laid back about it now, but when I was first adapting to the situation, that would have been overwhelming!  

You only have one mobile kid, so it's easier now than it will be in a few months.  It is also the time to work on things like NOT running, and always holding hands in parking lots, because when the are both mobile, the younger child will be too young to understand those concepts.  You will want to know that the older sibling knows how to be safe.  

[4midablemama]

I have a just-turned five year-old daughter and a two year-old son, and while they are not as young as yours, there are still days when I dread going out. But I second what insidevoice said about working on the rules now when only one is mobile; my daughter has had it drilled into her head since she began walking that parking lots are not a place to play, that she absolutely has to stay with mommy and that holding hands is NOT negotiable. For the most part, she understands and she follows the rules very well. My two year-old is learning the same lessons, but I still carry him into the store or put him straight into the buggy straight out of the car because he is a runner and doesn't process the danger the way his sister is starting to. DD is getting old enough to walk in the store instead of riding in the buggy, but if whatever store we are in is especially crowded, I still have her ride, for safety's sake and because it's much easier to keep track of where her hands are wandering. I always, always, always park right beside the buggy corral, even if it means I have to walk farther, because it means that I can take the kids out of the buggy one at a time and put them straight into the car, then put the buggy away without losing sight of them.

[VisionaryMom]

If my older child were a runner, I'd consider one of those backpacks with the long leash-type cords that you can hold. He's really only going to get better with more exposure, though, so I'd try to start taking him out a couple of times a week.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

If my older child were a runner, I'd consider one of those backpacks with the long leash-type cords that you can hold. He's really only going to get better with more exposure, though, so I'd try to start taking him out a couple of times a week.

We have one...and when he hits the end of the "lead" he just keeps going and ends up on his face. Yeah, he's THAT stubborn.

[K1329]

Could you drop your spouse off at work and keep the car during the day? When dh and I have had one car, I preferred to drop him off and have the access to the car during the day.

When dd was 3 and ds was a newborn, it was very overwhelming to pack everybody up, much less enter a store and shop! I think it's a big adjustment for the whole family. I'd start small - try a small trip close to home - the park, a trip to the drugstore, that sort of thing - and build up from there. Pretty soon, you'll find you've got a routine down.

I think it's worth it to figure out how to travel with your children. For the reasons you mentioned with errands, but, also, as your kids get older, you'll want to wear them out and get them out of the house for awhile. Or, at least, IMO, my kids play together better (less squabbling) and seem more content after an outing.

Good luck!

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by K1329 

Could you drop your spouse off at work and keep the car during the day? When dh and I have had one car, I preferred to drop him off and have the access to the car during the day.

The only thing I hate about that part is the screaming for 10-20mins because Daddy had to leave....I guess he'd get used to it eventually.

[mtiger]

There comes a point, though, when you just have to buck up and do it. 1/2 mile uphill isn't really THAT bad. Put the backpack/lease on your older one, and if he keeps going and falls? He will eventually learn how far he can go w/o falling. Or, as another poster said - drop Dad off at work, and you have the car. Okay, kiddo will cry, but that too is a part of life he needs to learn.

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

Holding hands in parking lots was always non-negotiable for our kids.  I have 4 older kids and an almost 2 year old, and it's still non-negotiable with him.  When the 4 older ones were 6, 4, 2 and brand new, and my dh was deployed, it wasn't an option not to go out.  Start with little outings and practice.  Practice holding hands all the time - we told out LOs, "We MUST hold hands where cars can go so we can be safe."  If I was putting the baby in or out of the car seat, the rule for the other ones was, "Hands on the van."  Before we would leave the driveway, we would go over the rules, "What do we do when we're waiting for Mama to get the baby?"  "Hands on the van!!!"  

Once you start doing it, not only will YOU get more comfortable, but your son will too.  He will get used to dropping Daddy off in the morning and picking Daddy up in the afternoon.  He will get used to holding hands in the parking lot.  But it takes practice on both of your parts. :)

[mbhf]

What about taking your kids out makes you nervous? Why do you feel you need your dh around to take them anywhere? What does he do that you feel you can not do?  I take my kids out almost every day. If I don't take them out at least a few times a week it gets more difficult. Before we get out of the car, every time, I go over expectations for the place we are going. I can tell the difference if I don't. It's only going to get harder, in my experience, the longer you wait. 

[greenemami]

I have to agree with PP..once you just start doing it, it will get easier. Is it nice to have that extra set of hands some places? Of course!  But i had ds out w ith dd and I by ourselves when he was a week old, lol.  Dp works a lot and if we wanted to get out and do anything, that was the only option I had. I STRONGLY recommend forgoing the stroller and using a baby wrap (I love the Maya) at least until your older ds stops running.  Much easier to chase a 2-year-old when the baby is attached to you then when you are trying to keep track of a stroller :) Also, maybe just start small with short trips or "easy" places and then work your way up instead of feeling like you immediately have to jump into a full grocery shiopping trip or whatever.  Oh, and my dd was nearly 3 when ds was born, so I totally get that a 2-year-old is more challenging, especially a runner 2-year-old!

[skreader]

I would suggest starting really small. One day put younger DS in a baby carrier and hold older DS by the hand and go out for a 5 minute walk outside the house, or even 3 minutes.   Go in the direction of the park and then turn around.

Next day, try going further. Then a bit further. I bet before the end of May you'll be able to go to the park. :)

re: car - I agree w/ the poster who suggests you drop off DH and have the car. After a while older DS will stop crying when you do it.

[Smithie]

Definitely, drop DH off at work. Maybe once a week? It really does suck to have to spend your weekends doing chores. In your shoes, I'd shop right after drop-off, go home for lunch and nap, then do a fun outing right before Daddy pick-up. Maybe finish with dinner out or drive-thru if budget allows, because you will be TIRED at the end of Car Day. 

When I had a baby and a toddler, we did grocery shopping (toddler in cart, baby in carrier) and lots of "free-range" retail like the children's resale store, Barnes and Noble, etc. Also the zoo, park playdates, the "bouncy place" - I picked outings with an eye to places where other toddlers would be making noise. I did NOT do things like Post Office where I'd have to manage two kids plus packages with no shopping cart. I shopped big box stores more than previously, because if you need groceries AND various household items, getting those errands taken care of in one shot is just priceless. 

I have walked out of a couple of stores due to toddler tantrum, but really, not that many. 

[MisaGoat]

I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old and am also still adjusting to going out with two kids. I totally understand not being comfortable taking your kids out alone. But the only way it gets better is with practice, for you and your children (I have to remind my self too).

Tips:

-as previously mentioned, yes I park next to the cart return even if it means parking a greater distance from the store. 

-wear the younger child, my baby has been in a carrier so much more than my first son because I can't just stay home with the baby

-build up to longer outings/more difficult places. Target type stores are fairly easier, you can park, get a cart, go in and come out. 

-How far are things to walk after that 1/2 mile? Sometimes it is easier to walk with two kids, because the in and out of car seats is eliminated. But I can walk to the grocery store/bank/post office/park/library from my house and every thing is less than a mile.

-Go easy on yourself, the key is to try. Every outing may not go smoothly, but you can learn from these outings and change something for the next time. I am still learning, we started baseball clinic for my older one and I forgot sunscreen (for me, the boys both had hats on) and underestimated how much water we would drink, oh and I forgot snacks. But now I know to pack up for a day at the baseball fields.

-Go out for fun things. playgroups, library programs are great because once you get there, the stress of keeping your kids happy is lessened, they are being entertained, there are other moms there who understand if a meltdown happens, if you run out of something etc. 

Good luck, you can do it. Don't be afraid to take help if you are out either.

[berry987]

I just want to add - just get out there and try it. It will get easier. And it won't always go smoothly, so just expect that and stay calm. Most of my outings go fairly smoothly now (my kids are 6, 4 and 2) but it took some years of teaching them how to behave in "boring" places like the grocery store. I've had situations where one kid is lying on the floor throwing a tantrum while a baby is screaming in my ergo. It wasn't pretty - but, deep breath, it happens to everyone and most people understand that. And if they don't...then I tell myself they are ignorant 

Good luck!

[blessedwithboys]

My kids are almost 8 yrs apart, but when ds1 was a totally hyper-impulsive preschooler, I worked as a nanny for a newborn baby girl.  Getting them in the car was easy-peasy and when we arrived at the store/park/wherever, I would leave ds buckled and get the baby in my sling.  Then I would get the diaper bag on my shoulder and then ds came out of the car last.  Holding hands was completely non-negotiable.

Getting back in the car was done in reverse.  Ds got buckled in first.  Then I unloaded bags into the trunk, and the baby went into her seat last.

BTDT Mama Tip of the Day:  The leash is your best friend.  Make your kiddo get used to it.  I learned that the hard way after refusing to "do that to my child" and ds1 getting away from me crossing 42nd St.  Take your ds to a grassy area and let him explore the limits of the leash.  He'll learn and he'll be fine.  :)

[Tjej]

Just think how happy and exhausted your 2yo would be after a walk to the park and play/picnic there and walk home!  You have all day - no hurry.  You can pack extra clothes and diapers and food.  Do you have a stroller?  That could work for part of the walk too. 

It can be intimidating, but try to step back and think - what else am I going to do that is sooo important that I can't schedule in some "learning to be out alone with the kids" time.  It's worth it to get stuff done during the week.  You won't regret it. 

Also, for me the key is to never be in a hurry.  So what if it takes you an hour (or more) to get out the door the first time.  Doesn't matter.  Next time it will probably be a little shorter, because you'll have learned something.  In a few weeks, you could be a pro at going out alone with the kids.

Tjej

[AFWife]

Update: I did do ONE outing just me and the kids. I did some light grocery shopping. It wasn't all that bad...people looked at me like I had 6 heads and treated me like an invalid. (I could have done without the super concerned "Do you need me to help you?" at the self-checkout.....No, if I needed someone's help I wouldn't have done self-checkout) The only time I had a problem was getting the 2 year old out of the car when we got home...I ran the baby into the house and came back out and tried to get him to help with groceries (he loves to help) but he wanted to throw a fit.

And...he still didn't nap. *sigh*

[Tjej]

Yeah!  Don't mind the people trying to be nice.  Sometimes I get that too and I figure I haven't looked in the mirror enough that day. ;)  Sounds like it went great for a very first time.  Way to go!

Tjej

[insidevoice]

Yay!  Progress!  I will admit when I first started taking two little ones out alone I thought I'd run a marathon. I'm pretty sure I looked the part as well.  It was chaotic and busy and crazy and hectic and- well- you get the idea.  I felt like a terrible mom.  It was a tiny bit easier the next time.  After that, it got a lot easier.  I can not say enough how much it helps to have a really good baby carrier- for either of them.  Sometimes I put the older one on, sometimes the younger.  I find a back carry much easier than a front carry, so would go with a wrap or mei tai with one your age for a nice high back carry that would leave you free to interact with your older child. 

Now that mine are both mobile and verbal we have rules and they are non negotiable.  Hands are held, if we are in a parking lot, hands are ON THE CAR until they are in their seats.  I am pretty strict about that after the nearly three year old tried to bolt across the parking lot once.  I try to avoid situations like that though by wearing one and putting that child on first before getting the other out.  When we get back to the car the one 'loose' goes into the car seat first, the one worn next- that way they are always safe. 

Getting home to do groceries and so on, I often leave them in their seats, put the groceries on the porch, then take them inside.  That way they can play inside while I bring stuff in off the porch and they can help me put it away. 

Mostly, I learned that it's ok for them not to be happy with every moment of every day.  Their safety  has to come first and if that means an extra minute or two  with a little less freedom, so be it.  They complain a lot at first, but when they learn the routines and integrate them into their lives so they know hat to expect it is actually much LESS stress. 

Oh, and  #4 is due in Dec.   Three kids under four.  I think duct tape may make it into the rotation at that point. :P