Oh man, is it time to get pregnant again!?

[GuavaGirl]

I want another baby.  

Ds is about 14 months.

I think I want kids to be 2 years apart

My plan is to get pregnant this summer

BUT!!!

every time I seriously think about getting pregnant, I feel tense, nervous, my heart beats a little faster, and I have a slightly shorter fuse.

Dh brought up the topic today and all those feelings came rushing back again.  Thinking about the 10 straight weeks of nausea, random vomiting, back pain, being uncomfortable huge (short torso, long baby, & I carry all out in front), having a toddler to take care of this time, scary preterm contractions that required hospitalization, 36 hours of back labor, 2 hours of pushing, tearing, barely being able to walk for a couple weeks, crazy sleepless newborn care, postpartum depression.....

I sure sound negative.  There is a TON of positive that I can focus on instead.  ...and I know my experience is not as bad as it gets.

How do you get past all of the this, chill out, and do it all over again, on purpose?

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

You're right that is definitely a lot to think about.  I had a fantastic pregnancy. I loved every single minute of it. Labor was hard, but it was such a short time of my life and then it was over and I had a BABY in my arms!!!  I know I want another soon.  DD is 12 months and I too want her to be 2 - 2 1/2 years older than the next, so we are looking at TTC soon also.  My biggest concern is that DD needs me SO MUCH, how can I possibly meet her needs when I have a newborn who needs me even more?  I don't know the answer to that. I am really emotional about the potential damage I could do if I am not gentle enough with DD becoming a big sister.  And yet people have second, third, and more kids all the time.  I myself came from a family of 3 siblings and I ADORE my brothers.  They were a huge part of my childhood and are a big part of my life now.  I have no doubt at all that I want to give that wonderful gift to my child(ren).  But the question of how to put to rest all the fears and uneasiness about pregnancy and birthing a second?  I don't know how to help you there because I'm right there with you.  Keep in mind that every pregnancy is different and every baby is different.  Maybe no morning sickness for you this time! This is one of my fears, since I had such a great pregnancy that my second will be awful!

[GuavaGirl]

Well, it's good to know that someone understands.  ...even though its for different reasons.

That's true that every pregnancy and birth is different.  I think if I make just a tiny effort to focus on the positive, I'll be in good shape.  

....who am I kidding, I'm still really scared of repeating that labor. But my aunts first labor was 39 hours (long like mine) and her 2nd was just 10 (which seems like a walk in the park).  

I wonder how I'll juggle the needs of both kids, but I'm definitely not too worried about that one for some reason.  I just think that it will be a whole year away before the new baby comes, and Ds will be so much different and older.  Plus, my son is pretty easy going happy guy, so that is a plus. 

[Baby_Cakes]

If I were THAT panicked about doing it again, I'd take a minute and reevaluate why I wanted my kids 2 years apart only.  Make a list of pros and cons and see what you decide.  IME, expecting again with a 2.5 year old and knowing DD will be just shy of 3 is awesome timing.  SHe's already potty trained and will be off to some form of preschool if not in the fall, in the spring.  Plus, I've had enough time to really work through my last labor mentally, and find a birth team that will truly support me in my next homebirth.  I had a chance to nurse DD for a full 2 years, I got back in awesome shape.  I felt READY.  I wouldn't have wanted to have another before I felt as ready as I could.  (Even though I still have moments of "oh no, what did I doooo?!")

[GuavaGirl]

baby_cakes:  That's good advice.  I'll give it some thought.  I think my main reason for wanting them close in age is so that they can be close pals.  I feel bad that ds doesn't have a sibling to play with.  Also, it leaves the opportunity open to have more kids, because I want to be done with pregnancy by a certain age.

I also know that I tend to catastrophize a situation, even if its something that I do really want. ya know what I mean?

Edited by GuavaGirl - 4/13/11 at 11:52am

[kalamos23]

I will have the same age gap as baby cakes kids between my 2 - and frankly, even though we wanted them closer together, I think it will be amazing this way. DD was/is a high needs kid and her being older means she is so  much more independent. She is thrilled about the new baby brother coming and is a big helper and so much less needy than she was at even 2.5yo. She will be 2y9-10mo when baby brother gets here. Honestly, I couldn't have planned it better for her in specific. She is fully potty trained, night and day, can get her own snacks if needed, I mean, it's really quite nice. Now, if she had been a more laidback child, sure, it might have been okay to have them 2 years apart. 

So if you are having panicky feelings - I'd say wait a little while and see how you feel. You can always try later on, and kids change SO much between 1-3yo, so you may not feel the same way in 6mo as you do now.

[mambera]

Hey GuavaGirl, I can relate.  I am pg with #2 right now, DD will be 2y 5mo when the baby arrives.  I spaced them a tiny bit closer than I would have felt was optimal, partly because this is a good time in my career for me to have a baby and partly because I am 33 and would like to leave the door open for a 3rd in case DH decides to come around to that idea ;).

I really wasn't entirely entirely mentally ready and if I were even a couple of years younger I think I would have gone for the 3-year spacing.  (Under no circumstances would I intentionally space kids less than 2 y apart.)  I really don't think spacing is a big deal to the kids themselves.  I have 3 years' distance from one of my siblings and 10 years from the other and actually it has always been much easier for me to relate to the one with the 10-year gap than the one that is closer to me in age.  (My dad also has a 10-year gap with the sibling he gets along with best.)  I think it has more to do with the intrinsic personalities of the kids and not so much their age gap.  They will have friends their own ages, I actually think it is really healthy and broadening to have siblings who are at different life stages than one's own.  (Actually that is a complaint of mine about Western society generally, that we all spend too much time with our own very specific age cohorts and therefore lose a lot of perspective on life.)

Luckily this pg has been easier than my last so far, not nearly as much vomiting and exhaustion, although the nursing issue has been a much bigger problem than I'd hoped (I was optimistic that DD would self-wean but it seems that is not in the cards).  And DH has been just awesome about stepping up when I can't manage to.

I would say unless you have a pressing reason for wanting the close spacing, I would give it a little more time if you don't feel entirely ready.  You may feel more ready 6 months from now, and it's a good bet that your DS will be closer to ready than he is now.

[SomethingAnonymous]

I just wanted to point out that age spacing doesn't always mean siblings will be close or not.  For example, my brother and I are only 20 month apart, and we couldn't be more different people, and we don't even talk as adults.  My mom and one of her sisters, who is 7 years younger, are like best friends. She is closer to that sister than the others who are closer in age.  I think it's more about personality than age difference.  My 2 children are 2 years and 9 months apart and that is about as close as I would do it.  She was just finally potty trained and not needing milk at night anymore, and also verbal enough to help with the baby and understand sentences like "mommy needs to nurse the baby right now, why don't you get a book from your room so we can read it while the baby nurses."  Right now my son is about 2 and I cannot imagine having a newborn now....he is still such a baby and needs so much.  I think you should just wait until you are ready. 

That calm you are seeking, I think it just comes on it's own time.  I hate to sound negative, but if you feel like it will be overwhelming with a toddler and a newborn, it probably will be. That really does sound terrible, and I love being a mom, don't get me wrong, but why not just wait until you feel a lot better about it. And you know what.. maybe you will never change how you feel, and that would be ok too.  I think you should just trust your instincts always as a parent, even about decisions like this.  The best spacing would be the spacing that feels right to you. 

[Peony]

Originally Posted by SomethingAnonymous 

I just wanted to point out that age spacing doesn't always mean siblings will be close or not.    I think it's more about personality than age difference. 

That calm you are seeking, I think it just comes on it's own time.  I hate to sound negative, but if you feel like it will be overwhelming with a toddler and a newborn, it probably will be. That really does sound terrible, and I love being a mom, don't get me wrong, but why not just wait until you feel a lot better about it. And you know what.. maybe you will never change how you feel, and that would be ok too.  I think you should just trust your instincts always as a parent, even about decisions like this.  The best spacing would be the spacing that feels right to you. 

Agreed. My sister and I were spaced 24 months apart to be friends. Ha ha.  We spent our entire childhood trying to kill each other, literally. Like ER trips and scas from injuries occurred while fighting, we fought non stop unless we were sleeping until the day I moved out. Today as adults, we still only tolerate each other, our personalities are such that if we were not related, we would never talk to each other. My kids are spaced anywhere from 3y10 to 2y3m apart, I prefer the wider spacings, my 4 and 8 year olds still play and fight constantly. They are sitting here painting their toe nails together right now but in 5 minutes I'm sure they will be calling each other "stupid head" and whacking each other just like any other siblings. 

I wait to get pg until I feel ready to have another baby, until this last time. This one came sooner then expected, and DS will be youngest one I've ever had when new baby arrives this summer, I'm not looking forward to it. A 2 year is just a big baby still IMO.