Hurt. Betrayed. Humiliated.

[madis81]

First off, I am a Christian, so please realize that this is coming from a Christian perspective. And I'm really hoping for some perspective from like-minded people in this subject, but I realize that this a public forum and anyone can respond. I'm open, just please don't kick me when I'm down.

A few years ago, in the middle of the night, I found my husband watching a really raunchy, soft porn movie. He immediately got flustered and acted like he was trying to turn the channel and didn't realize what he was watching. A week later I was cruising through On Demand and found that he watched another movie that was soft porn. I kept quiet about it. In hindsight we should have talked then.

Today, I was going through our Netflix Queu and discovered that he had been watching more movies with soft porn. Just a few. . . maybe he's watched them a couple times a year. But still, it's just what I've seen. There could be more stuff out there that he's hid well.

We have set guidelines in our marriage. Not watching soft porn or porn is one of them. I feel violated, hurt, betrayed, and humiliated.

He has no idea that I've found these videos. He is currently away training. We only see him on the weekends. I did send him a text saying that we needed to talk later.

This is so frustrating. With him being gone so much lately our "sex play" has been through the roof. We've both become more open to try and explore new things with each other. Now, all of a sudden this is ruined. I was so excited for him to come home this weekend. It is his first visit home in 3 months and we were planning a whole lotta fun. Now I'm just not feeling it! I'm not feeling anything but negative emotions.

I'm not sure how to talk to him about it without throwing so much emotion into it. And I'm not sure how I can trust him when he's going to be gone for several months.

[VisionaryMom]

How often do you see him? Is a 3-month separation normal? If it is, I'd consider approaching it from the angle of "hey, how can we make sure that we are both getting what we need?" Are the videos primarily when you've been apart for a while? If they are, then I would really consider how sustainable this situation is for you. (I'm assuming he's not military. If he is, then obviously I get that he has little control over his schedule.) For me, porn isn't a problem, and I'd view him watching as his way of "handling" being apart. If I *did* have a problem with porn, then I'd probably view this issue more along the lines of how we could make a change so that he could be satisfied in our marriage, which I'm guessing would be mean things like 1) moving so that you're together more often or 2) pictures/videos of you that will satisfy him. 

[philomom]

A real live woman in the bed beats porn anyday for most straight men . A steady diet of porn, though can warp expectations and lead to frustration on both sides. Have the discussion calmly with him about cutting back.

You could offer to watch a couple with him. Be warm and open to new things. I don't see this as any kind of "cheating".. we all have needs and desires and fantasies. Completely normal and human. As long as the children aren't exposed to this.. I don't see the problem.

[Rani]

I won't kick you when down but I will be honest too. Firstly, it is very true that men base alot of their sexual drive on visuals, women, on feelings or words (why men like porn movies, females like bodice ripper romances) Of course this is a generality but is based on scientific research into the tendencies. Second, sounds like he is gone alot.  I have to ask...do you read romance novels? like romantic movies?  it is much the same (now here I get flamed).  I agree that he should keep his promises, but perhaps it was a promise he shouldn't have made in the first place.

Also, are you REALLY going to let this sour what is to be a GREAT time together? Is it really that important?  Soft porn is also not a whole lot different from romantic movies these days except in plot..the sexual content is much the same.  I really just can't see ruining your time together over this. Im sorry...I just can't see what the big deal is EXCEPT for the promise. He shouldhn't have promised if he wasnt sure he could keep it..granted....but I would be looking for the reasons WHY rather than just yelling at him for not keeping it. The why is way more important.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by madis81 

We have set guidelines in our marriage. Not watching soft porn or porn is one of them. I feel violated, hurt, betrayed, and humiliated.

What do you mean? Do you mean that you set rules and are sure that he knows them, or that the two of you had a very open and honest conversation and came up with this together?  The first doesn't work, and the second needs to be re-discussed because the old rule doesn't work.

You haven't seen your husband in 3 months -- you have a choice about how this weekend happens. You can chose to drive a wedge in your relationship, or you can choose to create an atmosphere of openness and acceptance.

Watching soft core porn ain't cheating. Really. It's not.

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 


What do you mean? Do you mean that you set rules and are sure that he knows them, or that the two of you had a very open and honest conversation and came up with this together?  The first doesn't work, and the second needs to be re-discussed because the old rule doesn't work.

You haven't seen your husband in 3 months -- you have a choice about how this weekend happens. You can chose to drive a wedge in your relationship, or you can choose to create an atmosphere of openness and acceptance.

Watching soft core porn ain't cheating. Really. It's not.

This.

I realise this is a huge issue for a lot of people, so I'm going to do my best to tread carefully here.

Your feelings are your feelings and you're totally entitled to them. You have a visceral reaction to porn and that can't be switched off easily. But please remember: your husband loves you. He finds you sexually attractive. He's not cheating on you.

I do believe that porn has the potential to be addictive and destructive in some cases - I'm not trying to minimise that. However, it really doesn't sound like that's the case here. It doesn't sound like he watches it very often. He's sensitive enough to be discrete about it. You also said that your sex life has been great lately. If his porn viewing was leading him to neglect you then I agree that would be a problem, but it's not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by madis81 

And I'm not sure how I can trust him when he's going to be gone for several months.

Honestly? You can't.

I mean this as gently as possible, but I think it's both unfair and unrealistic to expect that of him. The guy is going to be off protecting his country for 3 months. If watching a little soft porn helps him get through that, then so be it. He needs your support, not a guilt trip over taking care of his sexual needs in whatever little way he can. The fact that you might give him a hard time over that makes me feel a little sad for him.

I also suspect that further banning him from porn will only result in him learning to hide it better.

Is there anything that he could do to make his occasional porn watching a bit more bearable for you?

I hope I don't come across too harshly. I'm genuinely sorry that you're hurting, and I hope you guys can find a resolution that you can both live with.

[Lauren82]

Hey Mama,

DH and I have the same guidelines in our marriage so I understand where you are coming from. I also understand how frustrating it is when other people downplay your feelings or your husband's actions. Each marriage is different and if you and your husband have decided that porn is not acceptable, then he needs to stick to it.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I guess my question is.... did your DH agree to this because it's something he believes in, or did he agree because he was put in a situation where he couldn't disagree? Was there a really conversation about it, or did you simply set forth that your expectation was no porn? 

Personally, I don't think porn is bad or wrong, unless it interferes with the relationship. If a DH is watching porn and not having sex with his wife, that's a problem. If porn is simply something extra, or something to add spice to the relationship, I think that's fine.

One way or the other, I'm sorry that you're hurt. 

[sapphire_chan]

Rest assured, Madis81, there isn't any porn at military training, (if that's the sort he's doing) and if there were, most people in that training (including the instructors) wouldn't have any time or energy to do anything with it.

Now, the question is, if he's not supposed to use porn, how are you working as a couple to get his needs met? Don't share anything you're uncomfortable with, but do answer that question as honestly as possible to yourself.

Um... if you're already getting more "adventuresome" one possibility would be some home movies as suggested above.

[yummus]

I am with you on porn being off-limits and I personally find it degrading and disgusting; I would be livid, feel all you are and beyond hurt if I found DP watching things of that nature. 

Jesus says looking on another with lust is adultery, what he is doing is wrong from our faith standpoint. 

 

I would suggest praying, talking to God, bringing the fact that you know about what he has done out in the open... see what he says. If he denies it, state your proof and don't let him give you any excuses. I really want to emphasize that you did NOTHING wrong. If he needs more sexual attention then he has to be an ADULT and tell you that. You are in a marriage. Ask God how to handle this. I am here to support you Sister. 

[Linda on the move]

I'm wondering if this question would be better suited to the religion form. If the OPer is coming from the point of view that this is sin and would prefer to only have support for that point of view, the posting guidelines in that form would be more appropriate for her.

This is personal growth, so often the posts reflect changing the way we look at things.

I'm not sure that it's helpful for the OPer for us to debate soft core porn.

Peace

[MammaG]

OP, we have this guideline in our marriage, too, but probably for different reasons. Our agreement stems from a time in our marriage when I was terribly disrespected by my DH (and it turned out that he had a long history of finding it difficult to respect women he sees sexually...classic mother/whore pedestal type thinking).

Part of our path in recovering from that time is the realization that in order to respect one another and our own selves as sexual beings in an adult partnership meant that exploiting others' sexuality by supporting the porn industry was unacceptable. We also believe that voluntarily submitting to a lustful desire for another is cheating. Obviously we understand that is it not possible to avoid feeling a fleeting attraction to someone else, but it is quite another thing to engage in a sexual fantasy IMO.

( by the way, on NPR as I type, is a woman discussing the implications of porn in our culture functioning to dehumanize sex and particularly women as sex objects. This in the context of rape on college campuses as an increasing phenomenon. Interesting)

So, OP, my advice would be to gently let him know you know and let him know that you feel betrayed because of your mutual agreement. I would let him know you love him and ask what you can do to help him keep his commitment, acknowledging that this may be harder for him than it is for you. Start the conversation with forgiveness if you are able. Hopefully, just the realization of how his behavior has impacted you and your ability to enjoy your sex life will be enough to help him apologize and re-commit to your marital boundaries.

Hope it goes well. I know how terrible you must feel right now. Hugs.

ETA, during absences, maybe some hot phone sex might come in handy, as it were. Maybe old fashioned letters with some spicy language and a touch of whatever scent you use. What about packing some little notes into his suitcase for him to find?

[MissinNYC]

As Christians, my husband and I have the same standards in our marriage, and he knows that watching soft core porn or regular porn would be very upsetting and hurtful to me (or to him, if I did it). I also avoid certain types of non-sexual movies/books for the same reasons- they stir up desires they shouldn't, or which are unrealistic and set me up for disappointment. I think you should talk to him honestly and calmly and without accusation or anger, if you can, about how this makes you feel, and about God's standards for holiness, and see how he reacts. Good luck. 

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by Lauren82 

Hey Mama,

DH and I have the same guidelines in our marriage so I understand where you are coming from. I also understand how frustrating it is when other people downplay your feelings or your husband's actions. Each marriage is different and if you and your husband have decided that porn is not acceptable, then he needs to stick to it.

It doesn't sound like they decided porn was out-of-bounds. It sounds like OP decided porn was out-of-bounds and is demanding that he stick to her rules.

She also describes herself as "betrayed" which means she views this as a form of cheating, which isn't realistic. He's using probably using it as an aid to masturbate. That's not cheating.

[Stephenie]

OP, this is something my DH and I discussed before we were married and I would feel the same way as you if I found out he was watching those kinds of films. Especially on Netflix, because my kids use it and the "recently watched" section pops right up when you log on... I would be pissed if my kids accidentally played one...

I think you need to calmly talk to your husband about it... long separations would be hard, but maybe you can find alternatives  you are comfortable with so he does not feel like he "needs" the porn.

Good luck.

[Greenlea]

I didn't realize you could get porn on Netflix....

Part of me doesn't even want to comment because I have different views on porn than the OP.  However, regardless of religious beliefs, if this was an agreement BOTH of you decided, I can see the reason you are upset.  Perhaps he cannot keep to that agreement and needs to discuss that with you.  I guess you need to decided how you're going to feel if he decides he can't keep to that agreement, and I hope your understanding if he does.

[KempsMama]

We have the same expectations in our marriage.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  You can pm me if you need support.  My ex was addicted to porn, and no amount of bargaining could save our relationship.  Watching it with him is not the answer. 

[LCBMAX]

I read your OP as saying that avoiding even soft porn was a guideline that you had both agreed to, and I specifically didn't hear you saying that it was a no-no because you consider it a sin. I come from a different spiritual background, so I can't address sin / not sin. But I also have issues with porn in general, and would be in a difficult position if it were present in my home.

It has certainly been present at various times in various relationships, so I have had the chance to have personal reactions to it also.

Putting aside my absolute conviction that the international sex industry exploits powerless women and children (and men too), and putting aside my humanistic understanding that sex drives take us all into uncharted and unexpected territories, the most basic reaction that I have had to porn-dabbling by partners was insecurity. The feeling I had was that if he was watching THAT, and was turned on by THOSE women, then he would never ever again be satisfied with me. It's very confusing, because porn succeeds by appealing to a whole lot of biological instincts - the curves that make us fertile, blah blah. So I would think, well - who wouldn't be turned on by that! It is a turn on, so who can blame him... But then would follow the thought about how I compare, and no matter what underwear you give me, you would never mistake me for a porn star...

So I agree with the advice to check in with him in as non-judgemental a manner as possible about how he might like to revisit and restructure the agreement around porn. Remember that he will almost certainly feel deep deep shame about this, and that will make it really hard for him to talk about it at all. If you can get your feelings wrapped up in the most compassionate and adult container possible (a monumental task), and maybe just spend this first conversation really listening to him and hearing how much this is in his life, and why, then you could take the next separation time to process that information. You might come up against something that is just flat out unacceptable for you, or something that - with a little creative tweaking - you could live with, or maybe even the most optimistic solution - a new agreement that you can both wholeheartedly commit to, and that works for both of you.

If I were in your shoes, I'd need a best friend or counselor on call all weekend so that I could vent and let off steam and be heard in my pain, and then go back to the conversation with as little charge as possible. In a nutshell, get yourself the support you need outside of the relationship, and try to be the support you want inside the relationship. You really are hurting, and you really need support for that -  but right now? Not from him. Because you also desperately need more information from him, and he - if he's a normal human male - won't be able to share this information with you if he's feeling judged and attacked. 

Good luck. I feel sad for your pain.

[Katwoman]

I read your post to mean that you and your DH discussed this and set boundaries and the expectation that neither of you will watch porn. 

Based on this understanding, I think you should approach your discussion from the standpoint that he lied to you.  A lie of omission, but a lie never the less.  People can easily get caught up in the porn is bad/porn is okay debate and miss that your feelings are hurt because he lied to you.  If you had posted and didn't mention the issue surrounding the lie, I think your responses would be different.

I'd approach it from the stand point of there being a problem in the communication in our marriage.  Either he's not comfortable being honest with you or your not being entirely clear on your expectations.  Either way, communication can be improved together. 

[peainthepod]

I just wanted to offer hugs and support, OP. We have similar standards in our marriage and I would also be very hurt and betrayed in your shoes. I agree with the previous advice to pray on it, and I definitely think you need to talk about it with your husband. He needs to know that this hurt you, and why, so you can work through it together. Don't be afraid to PM me if you need a sympathetic ear.