First time parent who needs help dealing with advice from pediatrician

[moonstones]

DH and I have been bedsharing with our DD since the day she was born, and DD is now 6 months old. Every time we visit our pediatrician she asks us how our DD is sleeping and we tell her that she is sleeping with us in our bed, and at each appointment she has become more and more pushy about getting her out of our bed. This is okay as I can deflect these statements, but now my DH is questioning whether we should really be bedsharing.  Today the pediatrician planted these seeds: 

1) Bedsharing causes developmental delays because LO does not get enough sleep at night. Our LO nurses every 2-3 hrs at night, but she never completely wakes up, and she "sleeps" 10-12 hours a night right beside me. 

2) Nursing during the night will cause bottle rot in DD's teeth.  

3) The longer we wait to get DD out of our bed, the harder it will become.  

To what degree are these claims true? Does anyone have links to studies that support the alternative?  

AND, I told her that I was not interested in letting LO CIO or in any sleep training methods, and her response was that I should go to Palm Springs for the weekend and let me DH deal with it since apparently she thinks that the only reason I would not want to let DD CIO would be because I could not handle it emotionally :-/  

[Graceie]

There are materials in the breast milk that protect the teeth . babies have bed shared sense the start of time ! trust your gut most medical schools dont really spend time training  doctors on these things

[belltree]

Next time ask your pediatrician to show you studies about all her points.

1) If your child is hitting milestones, not showing any signs of overtiredness during the day, than that already disproves her theory.

2). That is such an outdated idea.

3) How does she know that? Wouldn't it the easiest, if your child hits the point, when he or she wants to move out by herself?

Plus, I just would not really mention your sleeping situation any longer.

[luv my 2 sweeties]

#1 may be true for some babies (it's more often true for MOM!), but seeing as how most babies in the world co-sleep, it's usually not true at all and does not seem to be true for your dd.

#2 is not true unless your baby has a rare cavity-causing virus.  (Check the Mothering article archives for a great article on this topic.  Probably from about 2002 or 2003.)

#3 is probably true if you hope to get her out of your bed within the next couple of years.  If you don't mind co-sleeping for a number of years, then don't worry about it.  If you *do* mind, then know that you *can* transition her out earlier, but it will be harder.  But since she's been in bed with you for 6 months, it's going to be hard anyway, no matter when you do it, so I see no reason to do it before you are ready.  Besides, at least a toddler can understand *some* of your explanation about sleeping in her own bed.  A 6 month old only knows you aren't there.

It may be too late at this point with this doctor, but my main piece of advice in dealing with these kinds of questions from you child's doctor is to not offer any non-medical information you don't feel you need advice on.  Example:

Ped:  "How is DD sleeping?"

You:  "Fine.  I'd say she sleeps about 10 - 12 hours a night, plus __ hours in naps." STOP.  IF you want to be chatty, you might add "She has her nights, like all babies, but nothing we can't handle."

The medical concern is whether she is getting adequate sleep and that the sleep environment is safe.  (I assume you've assured her that you have no gaps the baby could fall into or fluffy pillows, etc.)  The rest is the ped's personal opinion about best parenting practices.  Unfortunately, you have now gotten into the conversation and your ped will probably not stop the questioning there at the next appointment.  She will likely follow up with, "Is DD still in your bed?"  You'll have to think about how you want to answer this.  You have 3 choices:

1)  You can lie outright:  "No, she sleeps in her own crib now."

2)  You can give a half-truth:  "She has her own crib and she likes it."  (Not revealing that what she likes is to crawl under it play peek-a-boo, but she never sleeps in it.)

3)  You can tell the truth and let your ped know that you have heard her advice and are rejecting it.  "No, we still have her in our bed.  We discussed your opinion and looked at some other advice as well and decided to let her stay there for now.  I feel confident that she is getting enough sleep."

If you feel strong enough, I highly recommend #3.  It will help to broaden your doctor's mind, or at least make other co-sleeping parents seem less odd to her. Plus, it's good practice in speaking up for your own authority as a parent.  Where your child sleeps is *your* decision, not her doctors.

[Ginger Bean]

I'm American but currently we live in Poland for work. Is it just me, or is it strange that a ped would even ask about sleep? I guess I've been living here so long that I've gotten used to the Polish medical system (I was treated for breast cancer and gave birth to my son here).

Anyway, our ped checks our son for medical things. She's never once asked about his sleep (he's obviously healthy, meeting milestones, growing, etc.) or where he sleeps -- maybe she doesn't think it's her business! She's never asked how often he nurses. She did ask if I had started him on solids when we met her at 7 months. I said we had started offering but that he wasn't terribly interested. She didn't seem too concerned.

And she's not a doctor who doesn't care about anything, either. She's caught some potential medical problems right off the bat and referred us to specialists. She just doesn't tell us how to parent.

Co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand is considered normal here, though -- sometimes up to age 3-5. That's the thing, these issues are not medical/scientific -- but cultural.

Most people in the world (including Asia, where my family is originally from) co-sleep. Are Japanese, Chinese and Polish children not developing properly? Have all their teeth rotted and fallen out? Are they still sleeping with their parents at age 12? NO!

I would be so mad if my ped questioned my parenting choices.

[Ginger Bean]

Sorry for the double, but I wanted to address the actual points.

1. The great Weissbluth himself says co-sleeping babies can breastfeed more frequently and until a later age than crib babies without disrupting sleep. (Sorry, I can't find the link right now, but he said it in a Q&A with parents, and I saw it with my own eyes.) Ferber has become tolerant of co-sleeping as well. Again, it's cultural.

2. http://www.kellymom.com/bf/older-baby/tooth-decay.html

3. How long your child stays in the family bed is your choice. This issue isn't remotely medical. Some babies are more adaptable and transition easily to their own bed, other kids not. I have friends whose babies have always slept in cribs and now they're 4yo and crawl into their parents' bed at night, and they can't get them to stop. It has to do with temperament.

EDIT: Found it!

http://sorensmom-ivil.tripod.com/earlybedtime.html

 

Questions For Under 1 Year of Age(to Dr. Weissbluth from Parent Soup's Sleep Training Board)

 

Hello I'm hoping you can help me. My son is 8 months old and still wakes up 1-2x's a night. Here's his daily routine: wakes up about 5:00 (and will go back to sleep for an hour if I'm lucky); takes a morning nap from about 9:30 to 11:30; afternoon nap about 2:00-3:00; and goes down to sleep for the night about 7:15. His bedtime used to be about 8:30 and it has gotten progressively earlier and earlier because he gets so crabby. When he wakes at night I usually go in and rock him for a while and put him down. He then usually continues to scream until I nurse him. I have just finsished your book "Healthy Sleep Habits; Happy Child" and am still confused. You say 1 night waking to eat is normal but at what age should this stop? I was going to try the "cry it out" method but I don't want to do this if it in not really time yet. PLEASE HELP!!!

Answer
Nightwakings are normal for all babies up through 9 months of age who have no sleeping problems. Breast fed babies who are sleeping with their mother might get up more often and continue to awaken for feeding beyond nine months of age without any sleeping problems.

Edited by Ginger Bean - 4/12/11 at 5:36am

[BrennaRawks]

I've co-slept with all 3 of my kids. My ped has never known that. WHen he asks how DD is doing in the sleep department, I just tell him that she sleeps through the night and is well rested. I did the same with my boys. He has never questioned that.

My advice? Just stop telling the ped! Honestly. Sometimes it's a case of the less they know, the better off everyone is.

[motherhendoula]

Originally Posted by Ginger Bean 

I'm American but currently we live in Poland for work. Is it just me, or is it strange that a ped would even ask about sleep? I guess I've been living here so long that I've gotten used to the Polish medical system (I was treated for breast cancer and gave birth to my son here).

Anyway, our ped checks our son for medical things. She's never once asked about his sleep (he's obviously healthy, meeting milestones, growing, etc.) or where he sleeps -- maybe she doesn't think it's her business! She's never asked how often he nurses. She did ask if I had started him on solids when we met her at 7 months. I said we had started offering but that he wasn't terribly interested. She didn't seem too concerned.

And she's not a doctor who doesn't care about anything, either. She's caught some potential medical problems right off the bat and referred us to specialists. She just doesn't tell us how to parent.

Co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand is considered normal here, though -- sometimes up to age 3-5. That's the thing, these issues are not medical/scientific -- but cultural.

Most people in the world (including Asia, where my family is originally from) co-sleep. Are Japanese, Chinese and Polish children not developing properly? Have all their teeth rotted and fallen out? Are they still sleeping with their parents at age 12? NO!

I would be so mad if my ped questioned my parenting choices.

THIS!!!!

and as for the not sleeping enough to cause developmental delays ...that one was WAY OUT OF LINE!  i have never heard such trash talking of co-sleeping.  Mostly people focus on the safety of it.....which is fine...now they are telling parents  "your kids will be delayed because they arent getting enough sleep"   thats horrible....i would seek a new pediatrician - but thats me.

Also ....dont bottles cause "bottle rot"?

I agree with the other posters ...this person is a medical doctor ...not a sleep therapist, not a child psychologist, these are the sorts of things you can easliy gloss over during an appt.  It sounds like you two are enjoying co-sleeping with your LO ....so dont question it!

[blessedwithboys]

My thoughts in no particular order:

• Stop talking about with it the ped.  Lie next time she asks.
• Better yet, find a new ped.
• Developmental delays?!  Oh, that's a good one!  How about you tell your ped. all about how both my kids sat up at 4 mos and walked at 9 mos and read by age 4yo?  :)
• Neither of my kids has tooth issues from night nursing for the first 24 mos of their lives.  Yup, that's right, no STTN til age 2.
• My kids are 9 and 16 and both co-slept nightly until age 4 (their choice, though ds2 needed a bit of nudging toward that choice whereas ds1 did not).  Donald Trump himself couldn't write a check large enough to get my 16yo to sleep in my bed for one single night.  And I wouldn't want to bed-share with him now anyway.  See how it works?    Mama and "baby" both outgrow that stage at some point!  :)

You babe is just 6 mos old.  She hasn't yet been out of the womb as long as she was in it.  I always had this instinctive feeling of letting my kids be babies for no less than 9 (well, almost 10...they were both really "late"!) months.  Of course, the baby stage goes on much longer, but I never tried to manipulate naps or nursings or anything during that transition time.  Let you rped know that you'd rather deal with some mnor inconveniences now than deal with psychological problems later due to the detachment parenting practices that she is encouraging.

[LittleBirdy]

Personally, I would try to find a new ped.  My son actually does not see a ped, he sees a family doctor who is a DO and we love her.  She recognizes the line between things that are parenting choices (which she may or may not agree with) and things that are actually medical issues.  We don't vax and when we first broached the subject she basically said, "It's not my job to tell you what to do."  We explained our reasoning, our research, and our plan and she hasn't uttered the v-word once.  She has never asked how often DS nurses - only (in the early days) if he was having plenty of wet & dirty diapers.  She has never asked if he STTN and she does not know that we cosleep because none of that is relevant - she sees him at WBV and sees a happy, smiling, developing little boy.  The only question about sleep I ever remember her asking is about putting him down on his back and not his tummy.

So if you can, I really would try to find another doctor and if that doctor asks how LO is sleeping... just say, "Like a baby" :)  It's the truth!  And maybe try a family practice doc, I think they tend to be a little more relaxed for some reason.

[FiveLittleMonkeys]

Personally, I go to see our ped for medical advice, not parenting advice.  Co-sleeping, to me, falls under parenting advice.  The next time you see your ped, when asked about your LO's sleeping habits, I would say, "She sleeps for 10-12 hours a night, and takes x amount of naps." Period.  No more.  If pressed, I would say, "How does this pertain to LO's 12 month WBV?" and leave it at that.

And I second (third?) finding a new ped.

[Turquesa]

Originally Posted by FiveLittleMonkeys 

Personally, I go to see our ped for medical advice, not parenting advice.

I've actually starting saying this outright to peds, albeit politely.  On two occasions, I've smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, thank you for your concern.  I'm here just for medical advice, not parenting advice."  Neither ped pressed the issue.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by moonstones 

DH and I have been bedsharing with our DD since the day she was born, and DD is now 6 months old. Every time we visit our pediatrician she asks us how our DD is sleeping and we tell her that she is sleeping with us in our bed, and at each appointment she has become more and more pushy about getting her out of our bed. This is okay as I can deflect these statements, but now my DH is questioning whether we should really be bedsharing.  Today the pediatrician planted these seeds: 

1) Bedsharing causes developmental delays because LO does not get enough sleep at night. Our LO nurses every 2-3 hrs at night, but she never completely wakes up, and she "sleeps" 10-12 hours a night right beside me. 

2) Nursing during the night will cause bottle rot in DD's teeth.  

3) The longer we wait to get DD out of our bed, the harder it will become.  

To what degree are these claims true? Does anyone have links to studies that support the alternative?  

AND, I told her that I was not interested in letting LO CIO or in any sleep training methods, and her response was that I should go to Palm Springs for the weekend and let me DH deal with it since apparently she thinks that the only reason I would not want to let DD CIO would be because I could not handle it emotionally :-/  

I can offer some answers. 

1)   I can only offer ancedotal evidence here.  My oldest did not co sleep.  Talked at 5 months, sat unassisted at 7 months, crawled at 10 months, and walked at 11 months.  DS2 co sleeps, sat unassisted at 4 months, talked at 5 months, crawled at 5 months, and is pulling up now at 7 months. 

2) Here's an article from Kelly Mom;  http://www.kellymom.com/bf/older-baby/tooth-decay.html 

3)  I can't speak to this as I haven't begun to try yet!
 

[bignerpie]

I also recommend finding a new doctor. When my son was 9 months old, we switched from a pediatrician to a family doctor. I wish we would have seen the family doctor from the beginning! I even shopped around, and my husband and I interviewed several peds and chose her. She was much different in the interview than after my son was born.

I never outright lied to her about our sleeping arrangements, but I wasn't exactly truthful, either. When she asked, I just said that we had a bassinet next to our bed. It was true- we did have one- my son just never slept in it! (This was one way she changed from interview to actual practice. Initially, it was "Oh yeah, AP is great, I breastfed my kids, blah blah. Then after he was born, she became very bossy and treated me like I was stupid for the way I was parenting. Like, because I was a first time mom, she had to tell me the right way to do things.)

My son is 26 months old now, and he has been sleeping on his own for several months now, all on his own accord. I got a lot of grief from everyone about co-sleeping, but it seemed to bother everyone else a lot more than it bothered me! I figured, as long as my husband and I are ok with it, why does it matter?

Also, keep in mind that most pediatricians are not trained in breastfeeding support. Does yours offer formula samples or have any kind of formula marketing in the office? If so, don't listen to anything she says about breastfeeding (and find a new pediatrician!).

The best advice is to trust yourself. The pediatrician sees your daughter for a few minutes every couple of months. You see her all the time. No one knows her better than you do. You are doing a great job! Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise

[moonstones]

Wow! Thanks for all the overwhelming support and your own stories!! I've read them all to DH. Usually people we share our little bedsharing secret with react in the opposite way, so I'm so glad to have found this community of support!

Before we gave birth, DH and I researched and interviewed pediatricians to find someone who supported bedsharing, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, and an alternative vax schedule, and we found the perfect match, but it turned out that she was out-of-network for our insurance and we were paying a lot of money out-of-pocket for routine office visits, so we made the decision to switch to this ped. who is well-meaning, but uber conventional.  

I'm not crazy about hiding the truth from her just because I don't feel ashamed of our decision to bedshare, but that her medical opinions are influencing DH to second guess our decision to co-sleep is what really is at the root of the problem.  

To past-posters who use a family doctor rather than a ped. -- how did you go about finding one who was supportive of attachment parenting? 

[belltree]

We found our family doctor via the local pages on MDC :)

[ssh]

Originally Posted by moonstones 

AND, I told her that I was not interested in letting LO CIO or in any sleep training methods, and her response was that I should go to Palm Springs for the weekend and let me DH deal with it since apparently she thinks that the only reason I would not want to let DD CIO would be because I could not handle it emotionally :-/  

Wow, your pedi is very behind in research on the effects of CIO. Even Ferber no longer recommends it. Here's a link on the damage stress hormones do http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/linda_folden_palmer2.html . And here's a link to the site of an actual baby sleep expert http://nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/ . 

[scottishmommy]

I would pay out of pocket to see a good AP ped, unless it's really not doable. If you can't make it work, I've found that older pediatricians tend to be more relaxed about this stuff. They've been around the block a few times and don't really care where babies sleep. My experiences could be totally off, but I'd look for a 60+ year old. In the end, remember that your pediatrician is there to diagnose disease, not tell you how to parent.....that's your mom's job (just kidding).

[bignerpie]

Originally Posted by moonstones 

To past-posters who use a family doctor rather than a ped. -- how did you go about finding one who was supportive of attachment parenting? 

I asked around in my community for a recommendation. I decided that for a healthy kid, a pediatrician is overkill. Kind of like the difference between an OB and a midwife. I didn't look specifically for an AP doctor, just a good all-purpose doctor (another type of AP... lol). Everyone gave this practice, and one doctor in particular, glowing recommendations, so we gave it a shot. They were all right!

[Asiago]

Dr. James J. McKenna is a researcher of mother/baby sleep behavior. He can be found at University Notre Dame.

http://nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/

Scientific Benefits of Co-sleeping:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/handout1.asp