Need Help Breaking Bedtime Habit of Laying With Toddler to Fall Asleep

[StrongFeather]

OK.. a quick summary of how we got where we are....

We have always co-slept with DS who is 20 months old. About 2-3 months ago we got him a toddler bed which is set up in our room. He naps in his toddler bed, but still sleeps in our bed at night.

DS used to fall asleep easily and with little effort from us, but always with either DH or I in the room. Then about 5 months straight of teething hell hit, and it was at least an hour plus of one of us laying with him until he fell asleep. Then like magic all his teeth came in, and he began falling asleep in less than 30 mins and DH and I felt like the worst was behind us. We had our life back!

Well, first came the time change. Then he suddenly weaned (I am pregnant and think my milk was drying up) Then double ear infections hit the poor guy. In short it's been almost a month of one thing or another, with hour to an hour ++ of laying with our toddler while he tries ( or doesn't try) to fall asleep. Frankly it's gotten out of hand.

If we get up before DS is actually asleep he jumps up and crying/screaming at the door frantically. DS sometimes will lay there and I KNOW he's trying to fall asleep. Then there are nights like tonight, where he is constantly getting up out of bed, flailing around, feeling around for either DH or I.  I am wondering if this is still him learning to fall asleep without nursing. If this is still part of weaning?

DH and I are ready for change. Let alone we need to get him out of our bed before Baby #2 comes. DH is ready to move him to his bed (he thinks this will solve the not wanting to go to bed issue)  I just want to do what is best for DS. I have to admit I would like to help him learn how to fall asleep on his own.

So my question is how did you go from laying with your child to leaving (helping them) fall asleep on their own? When is enough enough?

Should we move DS toddler bed into his own room and just do one big change? Or concentrate on just getting him to fall asleep easier?

DS is just starting to talk and understand things lately. I don't think explaining to him that we are changing things will actually make sense to him just yet, but I am willing to try.

Any suggestions welcome. (we do have a pretty solid routine that we follow every night, books downstairs, brushing of teeth, then 4 books upstairs, and then snuggles and lights out.

[Emmery'sMom]

My response to these questions is never a very popular one, but how long is your DS napping during the day? Could he be ready to drop his nap or at least have a shorter nap?

My DD (who was never a great sleeper and still isn't the best at 27 months) used to take 1-2 hours every single night to fall asleep. Then she would only stay asleep for 45 minutes before waking again! Bedtime didn't become easier until she dropped her daytime nap for good, right as she turned 2. Now she goes down at night within 5 minutes (sometimes 10) and she will usually sleep 2-4 hours before waking the first time.

[StrongFeather]

DS went to one nap a day at 10 months (much to my dismay) he naps easily and willingly from about 12:30-2:30pm. I wouldn't say he ever fights it...ever.. He still needs it.

The good news is once he is asleep, he is IS ASLEEP, full wakings are rare for him. Sometimes he just needs a back rub and a hug and then sound asleep he goes. Our problem is just getting to sleep.

[bwaybaby918]

You read my mind!  I just came onto this forum to see if anyone had advice for the SAME THING!  DD is 23 months and our story is almost EXACTLY like yours, even with the teething and ear infections! And, like your son, DD will stay asleep the whole night once she is asleep (unless she is sick, or something...).

DD slept in bed with us until about 5 months ago, now she has her own bed in our room but she is welcome to climb in at any point during the night.  She sleeps in a toddler bed next to ours.  I always lay with her, rub her back, sing to her, etc. to get her to sleep, but am a little frustrated b/c I'm the only person she will let do this, and we have some weddings coming up, so I will have to let one of her grandparents do it.  They, nor my husband, have ever had any success.  Any advice from anyone would be great!  I do know that it's normal for children at this age, and even older, to need to be comforted to sleep, but I'm looking for any advice that does not involve Ferber or CIO b/c when I finally broke down and attempted Ferber the other day, thinking that she'd be okay with the intervals, she started sobbing,  "Where are you mommy?  I'll be a good girl!  And, I'm just not okay with that.

Help, please!

[dancinganya]

My daughter is just over 2 and we moved her from our bed to her own bed and own room (full-size mattress on the floor) at 22 months.  I thought it was going to be a tough change, but she LOVED it!  From the day she saw her big girl mattress in her own room, she only wants to sleep there.  If only she would stay asleep for the night once we finally get her to sleep!

The mattress is full-size on purpose because my daughter not only takes forever to fall asleep but wakes up several times a night, so I have ended up sleeping in there most of the night with her.

It is nice, however, to have space with just my husband in our own bed to chat, cuddle, be intimate, or just toss and turn to get comfortable at night.

[indigosky]

We made a similar change with great success. It took time and patience, but it was not stressful or traumatic for DD, and once it was complete putting her to bed is a dream -- literally give her a kiss goodnight, walk out of her room, and never hear from her again most nights.

I would move his toddler bed to his room for this, so once the process is complete you're done for good. Make it a wonderful big deal, maybe even make it a celebratory day that you talk about for days leading up to it, special dinner, everyone is so happy for him.

For the first few nights, you lie with him in his bed with him, or on the floor right next to it -- whatever he's used to -- while he falls asleep. Do that for 3 nights. On night 4, move yourself either from the bed to the floor RIGHT next to the bed, or move yourself 2 inches away. Same deal: stay there until he's asleep. (You will probably fall asleep, too! At least I always did.) Every 3 nights, move yourself just 2-3 inches farther from his bed and closer to the door, and lie there quietly with him until he's asleep.

Eventually I got to the point that I was lying on the floor in the hallway (ours is cold, hard, and unheated -- I'd bring a pillow and blanket!). First where DD could see me, then eventually she could see just my feet, then she couldn't see me at all but I was still in the hallway. For a few nights I'd sit in the hallway and read with a flashlight until she was asleep, but if she called for me, she could hear that I was still close by. And then it was done, and it worked -- I could give her her goodnight kiss and walk out of the room to do my own thing!

It did take a long time. But the investment was well worth it.

[beebalmmama]

We had a bedtime set up similar to yours with our first Ds. We nightweaned at 18 months and then gradually transitioned him to his own bed and room, all said and done by about 22 months. He was falling asleep pretty well and we were working on just sitting by him until he fell asleep. This worked for a good 2-3 months or seemed to be getting better. But somewhere between 2 and 2.5 we were constantly trying to get him down and he was pleading for us to lay down with him. Since I had recently gone back to work and was exhausted in the evening I often ended up falling asleep in his bed. He really started falling asleep on his own somewhere between 3-3.5 yrs.

So I guess my advise is sure you can work on it and yes maybe transitioning to his own bed and/or bedroom might help. But in my experience there seems to always be a lot of those "teething, ear infections, night terrors....." something that comes up and disrupts the whole pattern, especially in the first three year, imo.

[Halfasianmomma]

I have *just* finished transitioning DD to a different sleep routine. She is 33 months old. We have coslept since she was born, but usually with a side-cared crib or toddler bed because she travels a lot in her sleep. She was nightweaned at 14 months, by sheer force of will, because I was about to leave my then-husband, was WOH FT and was falling apart. The nightweaning was hard, so when things got tough with this change of routine, I tried to remember how tough the nightwearning was.

Here's what I did, based on an MDC mama's suggestions:

• I prepared DD a few days in advance, telling her repeatedly that we would soon be changing the bedtime routine, because she was a big girl now. I told her we'd read 2 little stories, sing 2 little sons, that I'd give her 2 kisses goodnight and then walk out. She was ok with it in theory. I repeated this for 3 days on end, several times a day.
• The first night, I repeated to her what our routine would be and let her choose the stories and songs. I kissed her goodnight twice, told her I love you twice and walked out (I left a night light on and the door open, with the lights on in the hall). Don't get me wrong, there was drama. I would try to curb it with a kiss and telling her "I love you, goodnight!".
• I stood right outside the bedroom, out of sight. That night, she got up 10 times, sometimes crying, sometimes just checking to see if I was there. The first few times, I gently told her it was time for bed, tucked her back in, kissed her and walked away. After that, I would intercept her as she left her bed, put her back in, rub her back, kiss her but I wouldn't say a word. I wanted it clear that once it's bedtime, mama doesn't mess around. It took 60 minutes for her to fall asleep.
• I repeated this routine for about 4 days before it got easier. Generally, the routine took 45 minutes to an hour. Sometimes there were tears, but again, I tried to remind myself that I wasn't hurting her, that I was just outside the door and that she would make the transition soon enough.
• Now that she has gotten used to the routine, I no longer sit outside her door; I go into the adjoining master bath and make lots of noise while I brush my teeth, wash my face, put stuff away, etc. She knows I'm there and she feels safe.
• I'm sloooowly easing into going back downstairs to the living room while she is still awake. She has gotten used to falling asleep on her own. Sometimes she'll play by herself for a while and sometimes she'll turn on this little electric aquarium and sing to herself. I'm ok with all that. AND I have my evenings back so I can study!

[finnyroo]

Hi there! We co-slept for the first year and I'll admit, I stuck with the co-sleeping more because I was stubborn and not because I was getting better sleep. DS needed me and a breast to fall asleep and stay asleep (he often woke every 45 minutes) We did a mix of a few different methods and came up with a 'sleep training' plan I felt comfortable about and it worked really well. We night weaned while co-sleeping and then moved ds to a room of his own. It worked so much better than I expected.  Here's a link http://theoakfin.com/category/co-sleeping/ , outlining EXACTLY what we did. I hope it can help anyone who is in the same situation we were in not so long ago. DS sleeps 10 hrs without waking and takes great naps and falls asleep much faster on his own. Who would have thought! Cheers!