memories unlocking (sexual assault/triggering)

[insidevoice]

I was violently raped about 13 years ago.  I'd been working at a daycare about 30 minutes from home, and decided to take a back road home after work.  It was still light out.

A police car pulled out behind me and turned on the lights.  I pulled over, and was raped at gunpoint.  I managed to escape- though I know that hadn't been the assailant's intent.

I did disclose some of this to a family member who contacted the police, but it was all so fuzzy to me, I didn't remember any details really.  I remembered some, but not a lot.   A female officer took me for a ride to find the location, and I couldn't be clear about whee it was.  I explained what I could, but there were huge holes in everything, and she told me that I was clearly lying, and she was going to be nice and not arrest me for making a false police report. I was devastated, but didn't do anything at that point.  I moved away and a couple years later I saw a news story about a woman assaulted by a man in a police car in that area.  I didn't do anything.  I was all the way across the country and had been dismissed once already. 

I went on with my life, thought I had healed pretty well, and that I was pretty lucky I couldn't remember anything- until last night.  It all came back in a rush.  I dreamt it in bits, and when I woke up the whole thing is there.  The sights, the sounds- everything. It all came open in a rush.  I didn't really WANT to remember this, I'm pretty angry that the wall fell. 

[Linda on the move]

Most major cities have centers that specialize in counseling for survivors. I highly recommend you call the center in you city and make an appointment.

You really can have peace again.

[insidevoice]

I will go see someone when I think I can get through a session without breaking down. Today, I think I just need to process it. I took a while and wrote it out. Somehow, writing it out gave me something concrete to see, and made me feel ok with remembering and made me see that I have a lot to do to process it.  It also let me see how I survived, and how strong I was when I needed to be. 

When I am ready, I'll fill in more details so the written story comes alive in horror, for now it is pretty removed and clinical.  I kept it from consuming me by writing it that way.  

I think I lost a part of myself that day- and I lost more as the memory was locked away. I've struggled for years with gaps in my memory ever since then, and I've never been able to understand why.  I haven't been able to focus the way I used to, to feel things the way I used to.  I found the missing piece as the memory returned, and now I can work on healing that broken part of my mind, soul, and memory. 

[Linda on the move]

It's ok to go to a session and just cry.

That's how I started. It took me a long time to make the phone call. I would call, and then I would start crying and couldn't speak and just hang up.

Healing requires looking at what happened, which is beyond painful. 

But there really is life afterward.

Edited by Linda on the move - 4/12/11 at 2:37pm

[Stephenie]

I am so sorry for all you've been through. I had a similar experience in high school when I suddenly remembered childhood sexual assault. Writing it out was very therapeutic for me at the time...it helped me process it, accept what it was and move on a bit. Hugs and prayers for emotional healing to you.

[yummus]

Wanted to say something but I don't know what. Just know you have people behind you. Go and cry and scream and yell; get it out. 

[crunchy_mommy]

I can really relate and I'm glad I don't remember much of some of the things that happened to me & wish I didn't remember the things I do. I hope you are able to talk to someone about this & work through it with a support system... I'm so sorry.

[insidevoice]

Thank you all for the support.  It's terrible that so many women know this pain, because there is no reason.  I am actually doing pretty well for having been completely blindsided by it.  I had a bunch of stuff I had to accomplish this morning, and keeping busy helped some.   There is a support group about 40 minutes away, I'm going to call to find out if they have child care available- maybe that will be a good start.  Strangely, I am more angry at the detective who dismissed me than I am at the creep who attacked me. How many women have to be accused of 'crying wolf' before we realize that no sane human being would go through trying to report something like this without having had something happen. It's not exactly a fun experience, you know?

[crunchy_mommy]

I know what you mean!!!

A few of the really bad incidents in my life happened while I was in college. I was far more angered by the minimizing & dismissing of the university administration than by what the guy did to me. The guy was unstable and had obvious issues. The administration appeared mentally stable and were supposed to protect me (they had their own little internal legal system & got so mad that I went outside the university even to file a restraining order). I would have liked to press charges but the way they acted, I'd probably be torn down or even kicked out of school if I did so. That's not right. These are people that should know better. It's hard enough to come forward without also having to worry about people believing you and taking you seriously.

If the support group doesn't have childcare, this is the time to take up a friend on their casual offer to babysit, or to call in a favor, or whatever... you need that support!!

[MissMaegie'sMama]

 I am angry that you were not believed.  I wish no woman would ever experience the horror of rape, and I am furious that it happens. I am proud of you for being so strong. Peace to you.

[eclipse]

I'm sorry . I'm a rape survivor myself - it's been about 16 years for me. While I never had big holes in my memory, there was definitely a big, numbing wall there for many years - a wall that caused me to know some things on an intellectual level, but misinterpret them on an emotional one. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I can't think of a better way to explain it. I know it's hard when that wall comes down. I won't lie - it will probably be rough for awhile, but it will get better. I'm in such a healthy place now, and I never, ever thought I'd get here.

You might be interested in checking out RAINN - the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. They have a free anonymous online hot-line here http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline and you can also call them and talk in person at 1.800.656.HOPE.

[Koalamom]

Hugs mama! I don't have much to say but that my heart and prayers go out to you. I have had years of holes or bits of memories that are finally coming back to me and they are really hard to deal with. It is strange how we shut things out. When memories are returning to me, I was shocked at first to know it was real, not just me dreaming.

[LROM]

How we shut things out and which things get shut out are often mysteries... but the fact that we shut things out is no mystery at all.  It is an act of survival.  Sometimes the pain or horror or terror would just be too much to live through and so our brains shut down the experience, shut down the memory, so we can go on with basic bodily functions and basic life functions.  When enough time has gone by or there's some sense somewhere in us that we can handle it to process it, the memories start coming back.

The memories are always there, and they have an impact even when we aren't aware of them, which is why it is important (though so hard and so painful most of the time) to get them out and process them, grieve, scream, be angry, and any other reactions, so we can incorporate what happened into our reality without it ruling us.  It happened, but we try (and often succeed, after a lot of processing) to get to the point where it doesn't define us, we are who we are despite having had something awful happen to us (and the strengths we sometimes see in ourselves that we see because of what happened, they make us who we are as a result of what happened but in a good way).

So sorry for all this has happened to.  OP, it's good that you're reaching out for support.  As someone else said, even if you just cry initially or don't say anything, it's important and helpful to connect with those who are also survivors adn those who are committed to helping survivors.  Best of luck to all.

[rebecca_n]

[Ldavis24]

OP...I am so sorry for the horrible thing that happened to you and the horrible thing that happened after you tried to tell someone. It's a cruel slap in the face to tell someone something that is so deeply horrifying and traumatic and not be believed. I can't imagine that kind of hurt...

I will echo the words of a PP...Your brain was protecting you when you didn't remember. For whatever reason it was a survival thing....I have been there. I had a night a while back where I was laying in bed with DH, semi awake when I was suddenly wide awake remembering exactly how my dad molested me and it was horrifying. DH thought I was seriously ill. I was shaking and sweating and barely able to utter a word...TBH he still hasn't heard the whole story. I can type about it here but I cannot look my loving husband in the eyes and say "my dad molested me"...It is hard but I have to believe I didn't remember for a reason...

I don't know what can help you! I wish I did...If I could reach across the internet and give you a real hug I would. I'd hug you for an hour. What you experienced is the kind of thing that would destroy a lot of women (if they survived the initial attack)...They might be alive but they would be dead inside..I so hope you can find the help you deserve...I am feeling pretty sensitive tonight with my own issues so I am sorry if this is overly emotional. I just want to give you a hug in real life and let you know that you aren't alone.