UPDATE: WWYD--MIL wants 1 y.o. to eat sweets and chocolate

[McGucks]

I'll try to keep this short.  At our LO's first birthday party, MIL said she wanted to make the cake.  I told her we would really appreciate her bringing it for other folks, but that we were going to make our LO's cake since we are avoiding sugar and caffeine (duh, he's a baby).  I told her verbally and in an email, and gently and kindly both times.  For singing "Happy Birthday," we used her cake with a candle and everything, then just switched his portion when it was time to eat and didn't make a big deal out of it.  She kept telling him "Tell your momma you want Grandma's cake."  Our nephew has a monstrous sweet tooth and he routinely gets all kinds of candy at her house (then won't eat dinner and gets a spanking or fussed at).  DH and I are definitely on the same page about avoiding food color & sugar, especially at this young age (MIL's comments don't bother DH--he ignores it all and I can only try to ignore or pretend to).  She was also put out because she asked what kind of suckers and candy to bring to the party, and I told her she could bring whatever she wanted, but that DS wasn't going to be allowed to have them.  I made a big deal out of letting her know how much he did like other foods (like cheese) that she brought, but regardless of how I get around it, this is going to be a continuing issue since she lives locally.  Though she initially said she thought it was a great idea, she also objects to babywearing, saying "Aren't you going to let him out of that thing?" and "That thing must really hurt your back."  I made sure she got to hold him for awhile at the party, but I was not about to put him down on the wet concrete (it was at an outdoor shelter).  I know this is kind of just a rant, but the food thing is really getting on my nerves.  TIA for your thoughts.

UPDATE:  MIL just called about our coming over for dinner tomorrow night and mentioned that she had applesauce, cheese, etc. (things she knows we let him eat) and said she had popsicles he could have for dessert.  I reminded her that we were avoiding sugar, and she said "Oh, these are okay--they are sugar-free," meaning they have artificial sweetener.  I said "I don't know if I have mentioned this, but we are avoiding sugar, food color, and preservatives at least until he is two."  I am hoping that telling her exactly what we are avoiding and until when will help.  She then asked if he could at least have the green ones because they didn't have the "bad food color" in them (she feels that red is bad and others are okay).  I told her again we were trying to avoid all food color.  Hopefully, with repetition and consistency, she will understand what we mean and understand that we mean it.

Edited by McGucks - 4/15/11 at 10:21am

[P.J.]

I understand. We have the same thing going on, although not as severe. We were at Oma's (MIL's) over the weekend, and there were cakes and ice cream galore! DS is only 10 months, but he pretty much demands to eat what we're having (and usually gets it). It felt weird to be sitting there shoving cake and ice cream down our mouths and not giving him any. I know for sure that by the next visit (she lives about 350 miles away, so it's not very often we visit) he will not tolerate being given something different, and I am not going to let him have sugar just yet. Add to that that I am vegetarian and would like him to be too until he's old enough to choose for himself....and there is more meat than sugar at MIL's.

If it were up to me, he'd never get sugar, but I realize it is EVERYWHERE and actually it would make such a scene if he could never ever have it. In fact, I bet it'd turn into one of those things where he would sneak it or look forward to going to friends' houses where he would get it. I hope, by letting him have it in moderation (like once a week or so, from what age I'm not sure but definitely not at 1 year), he can learn to say when all by himself. As for meat, sadly, I have given up already. He hasn't had it yet but I know he soon will at the private daycare he's about to start (which we otherwise LOVE!).

I don't know what my point is, other than that I can sympathize. I'm sure other mamas will have some clever tips for you. GL!

[LittleBirdy]

Ugh, I feel for you.  I'm quite certain the only way I've avoided all this is that MIL does adhere very hard and fast to the "has he had X type of food yet?" and won't give him anything for the first time.  But I'm sure in the coming months we won't be able to hide behind that any more.

My plan is decide what is and is not acceptable and stick to it.  So if you decide 1 treat per visit to Grandma's is ok, really dig your heels in and repeatedly (but kindly) tell her no, he can not have another treat.  It is going to suck to have to listen to her about it but eventually she will get the message.  Does she have other grandchildren?  Maybe it will just take her awhile to get used to a new "normal" with your baby.  I know in my family we looove to eat, and sharing food & meals is sort of part of how we show we love each other... so I am hoping my MIL will get used to finding joy in feeding DS fruit or something :)

Now the other side of the problem for us is going to be DH and I controlling ourselves at Grammy's house!  We don't keep candy or snack foods in the house because neither one of us has any self control.  So when we go to MIL's where there are chips & crackers & candy we both go hog wild.  And other than things that are absolutely off limits (chokable items, honey & beer) I would feel like such a hypocrite eating things in front of DS that I won't let him have.

[LionessMom]

that is so hard. i can understand where you are coming from. sugar is so bad for you. i never wanted my kids to have it either and the only way anybody is DH's famiy listen to that is bc we now have a diagnosis saying they cant have it any way.

i put my foot down. they are my kids. it is my way or the high way. if they wanna see my kids or be invited to my house or us go over there, then it is by my rules. bc they are my kids. they had a chance to raise theirs, now i am raising mine and this is how i want to do it. i think most relatives take it personally, like i am telling them that they did it wrong. i havent figured out how to tell them that i dont feel they did wrong, just that i want to do it differently.

[laohaire]

Grr... listen, if she's anything like my mother, don't compromise. Give an inch and she'll take a mile. You'll say "one treat per visit" and then you'll do the treat and then catch her later giving something else and saying she didn't think it counted, or that she figured he'd get a treat in ADDITION to his birthday cake which of course isn't really a treat but his birthright, etc. Thank goodness you and your DH are a united front. That's more important than anything.

[laohaire]

Oooh, I remembered another tactic to watch out for. The "it's just fruit" (or whatever) tactic. This is how it works: she'll find a sugar-laden treat that contains fruit (or maple syrup or honey or some other quasi-innocuous ingredient) and then claim that it's just that. Strawberry Italian Ice (whose first ingredient is sugar)? It's just fruit. Maple-flavored doughnut? It's just maple syrup.

[JudiAU]

Be firm and expect it to be an issue long into the future. Make it clear that LO cannot have food you have not provided. Make up reasons if necessary (allergies, behavior, doctor's recommendation) and provide a long list of things that can't be included.

Fruit is fruit. Things "like fruit" are not.

[4myfinn]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this!  I definitely know how you feel.  Sadly, even allergies aren't always respected.  DS has multiple allergies/intolerances and a SUPER sensitive tummy.  If he eats something he can't tolerate he'll be up for hours screaming in the middle of the night.  We've been working with our ped and an allergist for almost a year now, and our family knows this, but they still don't respect it.  My in-laws are CONSTANTLY trying to give him things he can't eat.  They're seriously obsessed or something.  Christmas dinner with my IL's went something like this:

"Can I give him x?"  

Me: "No, that has eggs in it."  

"Can I give him y?"  

"No, that has nuts in it.  We haven't tested for nuts yet."  

"Can I gave him z?"  

"No, that has dairy in it.  He can eat what's in front of him (he had lamb, potatoes, and asparagus in front him- which he was happily eating).  Please don't give him anything from your plate."

My advice to you: constant vigilance.  I know it stinks.  Of all people we should be able to trust family, but sadly, that's not always the case.

 

[Snowflake777]

Ugh, sorry...I can commiserate. My mother is the same way when it comes to candy (which is puzzling, seeing as she's respectful about just about everything else). MIL used to think it was weird, but now that she sees how DD's cousin flips out over wanting candy, she's come around to our way of thinking.

Keep repeating yourself firmly until she gets sick of asking. I also agree on the vigilance front: my mother gave DD (then under 2 y.o.) chocolate behind our backs.

Maybe turn it around onto her - smile politely and ask her sincerely: "Why is it so important to you to feed our child candy?".

[Terrilein]

Ugh, you have my sympathies. I have witnessed DP and his parents get ecstatic whenever they get to feed him something sweet. They just like to see ds's reaction. I've had to put my foot down because they get so out of control and I have to make sure he eats something normal. I'm around they tone it down, but I have heard of instances where my then 6 or 7 month old actually ate 3 scoops of ice cream. DP thought it was funny. I was so not amused. For me, it's not a big deal for him to taste everything. Sugar happens. But I mean just offering tastes, not adult-sized portions. Stick to your guns, mama!

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

While we are not particularly anti-sugar in our household (we ARE anti-preservative, anti-colouring, etc - with all the crap that's out there and eaten by our relatives, I figure sugar in home-baked goods is the least of our problems around our family!), I am totally anti-other-people-deciding-what-my-children-should-consume.

I'm afraid I've been quite blunt about it. "We are not comfortable with him eating that right now. Please don't give him any." And I have resorted to rudeness when required. My parents seem determined to introduce our kids to pop, which we don't drink, and it drives me nuts that I keep having to be blunt, but it would seem I do.

[mra]

I haven't thought much about it yet because my LO is still EBF, but I would like to say that as a teacher I've had students that come to school with very healthy lunches and snacks - fruit, veggies, whole grains, nothing artificial and I've watched them dump their food in the trash to share the junk that their friends eat. When I asked them about it, they tell me that they never get junk food at home and this is their only chance to eat it. I of course call parents to let them know that their child isn't actually eating their packed food.

 

So, I think that moderation is the key. If you never allow your child to eat sweets or sugar they are certainly going to load up eventually once they get the chance. I think that teaching them moderation may help in the long run, especially if you plan on sending them to school.

[Snowflake777]

(Sorry if the quote looks funny, I can't get it to work properly...)
 

Originally Posted by mra 

I haven't thought much about it yet because my LO is still EBF, but I would like to say that as a teacher I've had students that come to school with very healthy lunches and snacks - fruit, veggies, whole grains, nothing artificial and I've watched them dump their food in the trash to share the junk that their friends eat. When I asked them about it, they tell me that they never get junk food at home and this is their only chance to eat it. I of course call parents to let them know that their child isn't actually eating their packed food.

 

So, I think that moderation is the key. If you never allow your child to eat sweets or sugar they are certainly going to load up eventually once they get the chance. I think that teaching them moderation may help in the long run, especially if you plan on sending them to school.

No one here has stated that their kids will never be allowed to have sweets in moderation. The OP is talking about a 1 year old, not a school-aged child. A baby/young toddler has no idea what candy is unless someone makes a point of introducing it to them. Why not just enjoy that stage while it lasts?

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by mra 

Thing is, the OP didn't ask whether she should moderate (whatever that means, anyway) sweets or not - but how to deal with a MIL who thinks it's her job to feed the kid sweets.

Those kids at school, do you feel like it's your job to feed them sweets? Of course not. That's a major boundary issue. The question at hand is not about sweets but a major boundary issue.

I've also personally found that moderation does NOT work. When you have a grandmother who is determined to feed your child what SHE thinks your child should have, any inch you give will turn into a mile.

The OP can moderate or not, as she chooses, at home. Totally separate from the MIL issue.

One of my greatest regrets as a parent is that I folded to this exact social pressure that somehow "moderation" is the right way to go. It's not really even "moderation."

[mra]

If it were up to me, he'd never get sugar, but I realize it is EVERYWHERE and actually it would make such a scene if he could never ever have it. In fact, I bet it'd turn into one of those things where he would sneak it or look forward to going to friends' houses where he would get it. I hope, by letting him have it in moderation (like once a week or so, from what age I'm not sure but definitely not at 1 year), he can learn to say when all by himself. As for meat, sadly, I have given up already. He hasn't had it yet but I know he soon will at the private daycare he's about to start (which we otherwise LOVE!).

^ This is from the one of the posters. I guess I was responding more to this because she mentioned moderation and the sneaking of food at friends houses. I wasn't really responding to the boundary issue. If moderation hasn't worked for you, great, but I'm sure it has worked for others.

I think I was thinking this was from the original post at the time for some reason. Sorry all!

[Adaline'sMama]

I have similar issues with my MIL. I have to say, I dont think your issue is really about your MIL pushing the sugar. I think it is about the fact that she says stuff like "Tell your Momma you want Grandmas cake." Huge lack of respect for your parenting desicions. You will be dealing with her pushing for your kids to do/eat/breathe/ect. stuff you dont want them to do forever because she is a person that thinks it is okay to undermine your parenting.

[Ginger Bean]

What's with the older generation always trying to shove sweets into babies' mouths?

I see this problem over and over again, on every parenting board I read.

We live abroad so we don't see our families very much (our son is only 7mo). I'm just curious.

[4myfinn]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I have similar issues with my MIL. I have to say, I dont think your issue is really about your MIL pushing the sugar. I think it is about the fact that she says stuff like "Tell your Momma you want Grandmas cake." Huge lack of respect for your parenting desicions. You will be dealing with her pushing for your kids to do/eat/breathe/ect. stuff you dont want them to do forever because she is a person that thinks it is okay to undermine your parenting.

Wow- I think you hit the nail right on the head, Adaline'sMama.  

 

[Snowflake777]

Originally Posted by Ginger Bean 

What's with the older generation always trying to shove sweets into babies' mouths?

I see this problem over and over again, on every parenting board I read.

We live abroad so we don't see our families very much (our son is only 7mo). I'm just curious.

Good question. I don't get it either. I mean, I understand wanting to spoil the grand-kids, but I don't see why this is so important that people keep pushing the matter after the parents have repeatedly said no.

[nstewart]

Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario 

While we are not particularly anti-sugar in our household (we ARE anti-preservative, anti-colouring, etc - with all the crap that's out there and eaten by our relatives, I figure sugar in home-baked goods is the least of our problems around our family!), I am totally anti-other-people-deciding-what-my-children-should-consume.

Ditto this.  Be blunt, be firm.