Alone time is okay, but when do you intervene?

[mom2happy]

DD, who just turned 8 is in the process of an official diagnosis.

She has an intensely sensitive nervous system and has some emotional issues.

She is not a regular kid and definitely needs time alone to unwind and be okay, but it seems like she is needing more than before, especially now that she can really read.

She wants to read ALL THE TIME lately. I love that she wants to read and that it keeps her calm and peaceful, I just worry that she is not participating socially enough with the family.

I have never told her she can't read, but I'm starting to wonder if she is becoming addicted to the "escape from reality".

This weekend she just wanted to stay in her room for hours and just come out to eat and even brought her book then.

She didn't want to join in anything we were doing until we put on a family movie.

I don't know if I should leave it alone or set a limit.

She is already socially behind (I hate to put it like that, but it is what it is). She needs 10 times more experience than most kids to be able to deal with certain social situations, even with in our family. I feel that all of the alone time might inhibit her more. Maybe it's the opposite- maybe she really needs it. I don't know.

Moms with kids like mine, any words of wisdom? advice?

[Emmeline II]

Does she have a therapist? My ds is more the "alone in a crowd" type but he takes books everywhere. His cognitive behavioral therapist recommended that we have time when he must interact; like not reading or having toys at family meals (and not having the TV on) and game night. Perhaps you can have designated alone time (such as an hour or two after lunch on the weekends), but otherwise she needs to read in the family room.

[Calliope84]

Maybe she is an introvert? I need a lot of alone time to recharge and I read a lot,too. I am not terribly social as an adult, either, but I married an extrovert so it works out. All that reading did good things for me (and my SAT scores, etc. lol) I am happy no one forced me to socialize when I wanted to read.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted.  It is just that the majority of the population is extroverted. It is just different. It took me a long time to realize this and now I work on my strengths instead of constantly trying to force myself to be an extrovert when I am not.

[Linda on the move]

how much time is she around other people? Does she attend school? Is she in any activities? Do you eat meals as a family?

A great deal of alone time is what some kids need, but being isolated isn't healthy.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

Does she have a therapist? My ds is more the "alone in a crowd" type but he takes books everywhere. His cognitive behavioral therapist recommended that we have time when he must interact; like not reading or having toys at family meals (and not having the TV on) and game night. Perhaps you can have designated alone time (such as an hour or two after lunch on the weekends), but otherwise she needs to read in the family room.

somtimes she does bring her books with her and sit with us, but not want to interact.

She really needs more than a designated time of 2 hours. A set time would probably cause anxiety and explosive behavior.

I guess I'd have to find ways to get her out of her alone times when I see they are going very long. It's just really hard to entice her when I have a very active 6 year old and 11 month old on my hands too.

I'm thinking of creative ways to do this with out being an authoritarian about it. I don't want to make things worse.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Calliope84 

Maybe she is an introvert? I need a lot of alone time to recharge and I read a lot,too. I am not terribly social as an adult, either, but I married an extrovert so it works out. All that reading did good things for me (and my SAT scores, etc. lol) I am happy no one forced me to socialize when I wanted to read.

There is nothing wrong with being introverted.  It is just that the majority of the population is extroverted. It is just different. It took me a long time to realize this and now I work on my strengths instead of constantly trying to force myself to be an extrovert when I am not.

Oh yeah! We are both introverts. Part of my worry is that because I am the way I am, maybe it's partially my fault she is the way she is. I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I just worry that my introversion could be what makes her kind of antisocial.

My DS is the extreme extravert though, so I try to cancel out that idea.

Because I totally understand the need for solitude, I don't want to force anything. God, with 3 kids, I could sure use some.

My own senses are so frayed some days it's crazy.

[mom2happy]

Yes, she goes to school and that's about as much noise, smells, sights, and society she can handle for the day.

She always needs about 45 minutes to decompress in her room right after school.

She does eat dinner with me and the other kids. She tries to bring her book, but I don't let her read if I am sitting down for the meal too.

She is not in any activities at all. She quit ballet last year and she refuses to try anything else. She hates sports.

She likes to do all types of art work and is very focused and needs quiet. She is very much like me in so many ways, so I don't try to force anything. Besides, she has a volatile personality- so it wouldn't work even if I wanted to.

She is not interested in playdates. The other kids are too all over the place for her. The school psychologist thinks it's a problem that she doesn't want playdates, but I am sure not going to force them. She plays with her brother and likes to do things alone.

When we have family friends over she does interact with the other kids in a good way, so I'm not worried that she can't, she just chooses quiet projects over get togethers.

[Mama Metis]

This reminds me of my sister as a child, so I wanted to respond. Do you think she would be receptive to social activities that expand from her interest in reading? For example, a book club, or going to meet an author she has read who is on a book tour, or traveling to a location where one of her favorite books takes place?  

[mimim]

I'd set some limits, if I were you. No books during meals is a good place to start. Get her in some kind of activity; art classes or a book club sounds like they'd work. Let her have plenty of alone time, but small amounts of social time outside of school per day too. A play date now and then would be something to encourage, even if you dread having to set it up. Being introverted is fine - I'm an introvert and your daughter sounds a lot like me at that age - but if she keeps avoiding social interactions, she will end up without good skills to cope with social interactions when they are necessary or desirable for her later on. It sounds like she's using withdrawal as a coping mechanism, which is fine to use sometimes, but not as a primary tool.

[Linda on the move]

She sounds a little like my DD, who is both gifted as has Aspergers.  I'd give her space.

If you were homeschooling, my answer would be different, but she is spending a TON of time around other kids.

We have a rule of no books at the table, and everybody has to say one thing they are grateful for (DD didn't used to talk at the table at all, so this is how we defined being part of the conversation).

I'd keep looking for some sort of activity based on interest for her, but something that isn't very social might be nicer for her than something that requires interacting a lot. At that age, my DD really enjoyed being on a swim team. Most of the time, your face is in the water so talking to others isn't required!  It helped with her sensory issues, too.

I wouldn't force playdates. I think doing so is mean both to your child and to the other child.

My DD has learned a great deal about social norms through reading. I wouldn't discount what your DD is getting from all those books!

I think that the age of your other kids could be playing into this. I think a lot of 8 year olds would want some space from a baby and a very active 6 year old.

My other idea is to find time to play board games with your 6 and 8 year old. This is something they worked on when my DD took a social skills class. Kids do get more socially out of a family board game than a family movie, and for kids with social quirks, the defined rules are more comforting that open ended play.

Peace.

Edited by Linda on the move - 4/14/11 at 8:56am

[beenmum]

 Kids who become over stimulated really do need that time to be alone and calm themselves down.

Can you imagine being constantly bombarded with visual, sensory, auditory and oralfactory imput all day long in a classroom full of other kids?  Kids who dont process this info well are at increased risks over hypertension, depression and anxiety. IF she has found a way to calm herself down, dont discourage it.

She feel safe at home. Just let her know once in a while that you are there if she needs you. It may be that she will grow to need less and less time alone. IT may not tho.

As long as she isnt mixing up fantasy with reality or isolating herself due to depression, then its not harmful for her.