How do you trust a man around your children?

[ihugtrees]

I was abused as a child and raped as a young adult. I'm also undergoing medical and therapeutic treatment for depression and anxiety. So maybe this is just me and part of my baggage and mental illness, but I have always been suspicious of men in my child's life. I even feel nervous with her own father, my own father and my brother being left alone with her. And now that I've began to date again, as a single mother, that anxiety is compounded as I realize how impossible it is to know if someone is really trustworthy. After reading a thread on another part of MDC about a single mother marrying a pedophile, I am sickened and almost ready to never date a man again! 

So, my question for you as single mothers: how do you feel about men in your child's life? Do you wonder if they could be forming a relationship with you only to get to your kids? Would you do a background check or anything like that on someone you were dating? I know not only men molest children, and I actually have had fleeting moments of paranoia about certain women around my daughter, too...so does this worry you, as well? 

[bananabee]

I've never been sexually abused, and those thoughts go through my head all the time. They say that about 1 in 4 girls is molested. It's a very VERY valid concern. Not sure that I will be able to leave her with someone I date until my daughter is old enough to know what is appropriate and what's not, and be able to verbalize to me if something is wrong. And even then, I would have to know the man extremely well. My hope is that she will always feel she can trust me more than any other person, so she'll come to me if there is a problem. I think it's appropriate to do a background check early on in the relationship. Schools and daycares do. Why shouldn't I? A good guy will have nothing to hide and will value your protectiveness of your children.

[SoulCakes]

Like bananabee, I was never abused as a child, but I worried about this a lot when my daughter was younger and, to a lesser extent, I still do. There was a time shortly after she was born that it seemed like everyone I met had been abused in their childhood, and I began to believe that abusers are everywhere. The paranoia was intense. Once she became verbal, and especially once she could understand the many talks we had about bad touch/good touch, I began to relax. 

I trust her father, but we have a rule in the parenting agreement that no unrelated men can sleep over. He seems to have abided by that. It took a long time to trust my now-husband, but he was introduced to her so slowly that it was never an issue. You have to trust your gut when getting to know people. And if you think your gut might be giving off a lot of false alarms due to the past abuse, that's ok, but don't ignore them. Better to take your time getting to know people and making sure they're trustworthy than going against your instincts.

The hardest reality for me was realizing that you can trust someone 100% and still find out that they didn't deserve that trust. That's why I pay close attention to my daughter -- if she's consistently happy and behaving more or less the same way, day in and day out, I can trust that she's not being abused. For me, that's the best reassurance.

Mostly, just take your time. Don't date anyone who raises any alarms. And keep your eyes open, even after your mind and heart have finally relaxed. Good luck -- it's a tough one.

[elsie123]

I do worry about this sort of thing, and I am just very careful about who I introduce my son to.  If I start dating anyone, I'm going to be pretty clear that my son is not part of the deal, and wont be for a very long time.  6 months to a year I'd think.

I don't see any reason whatsoever for a man I am dating to hang out with my kid.  I'll give myself plenty of time to get to know this new person and see how I feel about him, and then I can trust my instincts about whether or not he's a good fit to be in my son's life.

[mimim]

I leave the men out of my children's lives. I introduced my kids to the guy I dated for a few years a few times, but I never left them unattended with him. I would have to be 100% sure I trusted him around my kids and that has not happened yet. I do not have a history of abuse and I am extremely cautious.

[Chantelle691]

There's no need for my kid to be around any of the men I'm spending time with at this point, so I don't have that worry currently.

It is, however, something I've thought about and would not leave my daughter unattended with any man other than my father.  She is often with her father, and I don't know that he would have any concerns about people he has her around.  Thankfully, at her age, I've taught her what's appropriate and I'm hoping that if anyone approached her in any way with which she felt uncomfortable, she'd tell me. She does have a stepbrother and various step-uncles and step-grandparents at her father's house, so it is a concern.

[SeekingSerenity]

Personally, I am terrified and find that sometimes I cannot even fathom dating again. Right now I am not ready for it, but even when I am, I don't know if I can bring myself to trust a man around my kids. I was abused as a child and also in my most recent marriage, and I can only think of one man I can trust my kids with (and it's not their father). I often wonder if I can bring myself to be content with long-term singleness, in order to protect my kids.