How does each new child affect your marriage? (Going from 1 to 2 kids, 2 to 3 , etc.)

[Calliope84]

How does each new child affect your marriage? (Going from 1 to 2 kids, 2 to 3 , etc.)

We only have HNs DD, but it feels like we don't have a lot of time for one another. I miss just hanging out with him and putting my head on his chest. Doesn't happen anymore with DD around. We haven't gone on any dates, either, but that is fine because I am on a no dairy/soy diet cuz DD is allergic and we want to save money anyway.

How do you balance kids and marriage and do you have any advice for other couples on how to do it right?

[mommariffic]

When DD was born, a mini bomb went off in my marriage -- I was very resentful towards DH (and very, very sleep deprived) and we fought a ton about all the usual suspects. We were both very much the perfect couple before children, and having them as both strengthened and weakened our marriage. Having DS was a bit easier because we knew what to expect, and had some help this time around -- that allowed us more time for each other and ourselves. 

Marriage for us is still really hard (or for me anyway) but I love seeing DH with the kids and they adore him. I think the most important thing for us is to support each others creative endeavors, AND to get time alone when we can. 

[NicaG]

Our first child made our marriage stronger, I felt (though maybe I have rose-colored glasses, it was 6 years ago). I was very happy to be away from my unrewarding job and stressful commute, and I loved being home with ds. We were living in an apartment, so we didn't have the time-consuming maintenance of a house to worry about. Ds was very portable, so we were able to take him to restaurants, museums, even trips abroad. So we enjoyed a lot of things together that we had enjoyed as a couple.

Dd was born 3.5 years later. By this time we had bought a house, and dh had started a new job, and I was getting a little burned out as a sahm. We both felt stretched pretty thin, also underappreciated. We started fighting a lot more, mostly about time-management issues (dh claimed/still claims he never has enough time to catch up on work, do chores at home, taxes, etc). We still struggle with this issue, but we have found some solutions (ie paying for more child care, handyman, etc). I think the fighting forced us to come up with some solutions...but at the same time, fighting takes its toll. Also, we dont have any family nearby and I think we are getting a little burned out on never really getting a proper break/never feeling refreshed and relaxed. We have a regular sitter, but mostly we just catch up on house chores or work while she's here, we rarely have just fun date time.

We are expecting #3 this fall. I am excited about the baby but wish we could fast-forward to 6 months or 1 year. Those first few months with a newborn are so rocky, and I just hope we can make the transition without too much marital disruption.

My advice would be:
-whenever you can, pay people to make problems go away (make it a priority to budget for housekeeping help, babysitters, handyman, etc)
-maintain some separate interests, and keep some shared interests too. Don't lose sight of your own interests and life while you're taking care of everyone else (mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy)
--practice techniques for fighting fair. There's nothing worse than spending precious hours fighting and getting nowhere and feeling awful.
-make it a habit to thank your partner for things they do right, and try not to dwell on what they're not doing right. A little appreciation goes a long way.
Edited by NicaG - 4/14/11 at 8:36am

[Calliope84]

Thanks!

My experience so far with marriage has been like this: DD is 4.5 months old and is very High Needs. I read a bunch of books before she was born and talked to DH in depth about how the baby might affect our marriage. We've been trying to work through problems as they arise. I am really missing having time with him and we don't get a lot of time to be intimate, but I just started being interested again one month ago. 

We have fights, but they get resolved very quickly. We are pretty honest with one another and worked on making our marriage strong in the 4 years before DD was born. I am amazed at how well we got through the first really rough months where she was colicky and very HNs. DH can't really handle it when she cries hysterically anymore, though, so that is rough for me. I am the only one who can really calm her down when she goes off.

If I cleaned the house when DH was at work more I think everything would be better. The unclean home stresses us both out and DH has to do homework when he has free time, not clean. I am going to start working on that. I am trying to start a business, but I find myself doing other stuff - like wasting time online ha- when I ought to be working. 

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I do want to pay to make problems go away by hiring someone, but DH isn't on board with that because the budget is too tight. I don't feel ready to leave DD with anyone because she is so attached to me and cries with others besides DH.

We both try to keep appreciating one another and be nice to each other because we both know that is what will keep us having a happy marriage with good communication. I am finding it hard to be loving and affectionate sometimes, though, after a long day with DD. I just want to be alone for 5 minutes so I can think.

[K1329]

Dh and I have two children, 4 & 7. Each time we welcomed a newborn, our marriage took a hit. That first year is just so difficult! What helped us was, when necessary, reworking expectations and who was responsible for what. We've taken turns paying the bills, doing housework, etc. depending upon who was more able to accomplish the task at any given time. Also, making sure that we had regular breaks - together and apart. We went somewhat into "survival mode" - verbally recognizing that alot of the stressors we were feeling were temporary and that we could make it through.

But, I'm posting mostly to add that having more than one child, now, has actually, in some ways, HELPED our marriage. Our kids spend hours playing together. Dh and I sleep in again, while our older dc gets the younger breakfast. We sip coffee on the back porch while the kids are in the treehouse playing games of make-believe. Our kids provide alot of entertainment for each other, which, in turn, allows us more time together.

[Peony]

I'm pg with #4. Our marriage suffered with the addition of the first two. DD1 was very HNs, one of those never sleeping always screaming babies. I always say that I don't know who cried more her first year of life, her or me. It was really rough, DH didn't understand or wasn't around (he works a lot), I was resentful. Gradually things improved, and we waited a while before having another child. DD1 was almost 4 when DD2 was born, and I thought, we'd BTDT, we'd be good. I didn't expect having a newborn that got seriously ill and took months to recovery. She was O2 dependent until 7 months of age, once again I was so utterly drained by just keeping her alive that I had nothing left or anyone else, not DD1 and certainly not DH. It was a leap of faith to get pg with #3. While it was hard, it wasn't so difficult on our marriage, life had been much worse back, but still emotions ran high. DD1 came close to having a breakdown right around the time DS was born, but as far as DH and I, I remember us handling it better as a couple. Things have never been difficult during a pg, it was always after a baby enters the family. This time though, is different. The timing of this one isn't perfect, to say DH isn't thrilled would be an understatement, I'm 5 months and he basically still ignores the pg. So needless to say, I am expecting another difficult transition. 

Things that have worked in the past for us is to know that the first year of any baby is often just survival mode. You do what you have to do to get through the day, there isn't much left over for the other partner. Hanging out for us now is something that happens with children still around. We rarely ever even get an hour of child free time even in the evenings. I can't say that dates happen much either, maybe once a year. By the time the weekend comes, it is jam packed these days and things that don't have to happen like dates, just don't. We try to connect in little snippets of time, a phone during a lunch break, 5 minutes while kids are playing. 

[CherryBombMama]

for us, having the first one was so hard. dh had no experience with babies and since i have younger brothers and worked with babies, he assumed i would handle everything. when i told him thats not how its gonna work, he had a hard time getting into dad mode because he felt inadequate compared to my "experience." he had to relearn what being a man meant, while i had to learn how to be a strong woman, not just a cutesy little wife. those first few months made us face reality, and grow as human beings. i just remember it being fun but soooooo hard. 

the transition to having the second was a breeze! our marriage is completely stronger, and it has made us more loving towards each other. maybe the birth of the first one scarred us and we dont ever wanna experience THAT drama again lol. 

[beebalmmama]

We have two and with each one our marriage has taken a hit. We also had a really strong and happy marriage for five years previous to children. 

After our first it was tough for me transitioning to SAHM and we just moved, just bought a house, dh started new job and I had a little PPD. Honestly looking back we took on too much. Plus financially things were TIGHT. But then we were both determined to have me stay home while our children were babies.

We knew it wouldn't be easy the second time around and dh and I were just getting back to a better place in our marriage. But we still had some changes which made things tough.....another move and new job. You'd think we'd learn..... But really I think the hardest thing for us is the lack of money. We both feel strongly that I stay home during the first 1.5 or 2yrs of the children life, but we can hardly afford to. So we eek by for the sake of the kids and it leaves little to no time for us to get alone or free time. Ds 2 is now 16 months and I'm thinking of looking for a job for the coming fall (dh is a school teacher). I have mixed feelings about it but I know once the financial pressure releases a little our marriage improves. 99% of our fights and arguments are money based.