Looking for an understanding ear...long.

[Piglet68]

It's been one of those days when I'm reminded how hard it is be my son's mother. 

DS (age 6) has mild sensory issues, though not sure they really explain his "issue". Which is that he is a VERY physically-expressive child (late talker, not chatty). When he's excited he can barely stand still. When he is busy doing something his body is always moving. When he is relating a story, his arms and legs are moving in big ways, adding to the story. When he hugs, it is huge bear hugs. He loves skin-on-skin and is very physically affectionate to me (not to most other people). 

But when he is angry, frustrated, or hurt he lashes out physically. He kicks, hits, throws things, and even scratches kids' faces if things get bad enough. The more tired he is the less self-control he has, and I'm usually good at recognizing when he's had enough and leaving social situations before things deteriorate. Today, after a long day, I caved in and agreed to go to a playground but did not have the energy to shadow him all over the place.  We went through the usual rules of not hurting anybody, to which he always enthusiastically agrees. Well, we were there for 5 minutes when he starting hurling small rocks (the footing of the playground is that coarse sand that is almost like very small pebbles) at some kids (probably around age 8 or so) on the tire swing. My guess is he wanted to go on there and was frustrated that they were on it. When the kids' mother told him to stop, apparently he threw some rocks at her too. Luckily he has lousy aim.

My daughter came over to tell me what had happened (I couldn't see them from where I was at the time) and as I was going over there I got an earful from the child's mother. It's something that has been happening to me since DS was around 2 years old, and being someone who shies away from any confrontation and gets really anxious in such situations, it's rather torturous for me. 

I hate that I can't turn my back for 5 minutes. I hate that people judge me and my son. I've been accused of everything from neglect, to promoting "violence as a solution", to abusing him. They don't see him as a child struggling with emotions, they see him as a mean bully. People can handle just about any abnormal behaviour, but if it involves hitting or anything aggressive in appearance they get very judgmental (and I get this: I had a child before DS and I recall I used to feel the same way).

Most of the time I'm okay with who he is, and I can see that as he gets older he gets better and better at controlling himself and dealing with his emotions appropriately. We've worked so very hard over the years and there is much to be proud of and thankful for. 

But on those days when I feel everybody is judging me and my child, I often wonder if this is what special needs parents go through. With people seeing their child's "weird" behaviours and being so judgmental. I'm not saying it is ever okay to hurt someone, but when my kid has successfully navigated a dozen situations with huge control over himself (which nobody can see except me) it's disheartening to have that "one failure" be made such a huge deal out of. I think of all the "strange" behaviours that people can judge, one that involves physical aggression is the very least likely to foster any sympathy. 

It's days like this where I feel very alone.

[Stephenie]

Hugs to you.

I have had sooo many of those days with my son. I don't know how many times I have left the park or a playgroup with both of us in tears. Or how many friends stopped calling to hang out, replying to my attempts to contact them etc because my son has hurt their child in the past. It's hard. It's very isolating and it's so frustrating when you know how hard it is for them to keep it together and YOU know they are not mean or bad etc, the rest of the world just does not see it that way. 

I have no great advice for you, just a lot of sympathy and understanding. 

[Piglet68]

thank you so much, stephanie. it's so helpful just to know i'm not alone.

i lost a good friendship because her son became afraid of my son and we couldn't hang out together anymore. and i've had friends back off for the same reason. i have to say most of my friends have been wonderful, and even the two i mentioned were so kind about it. but it still sucks...