Public tantrums - how do you handle?

[mooshersmama]

Hello!  My daughter is 3 1/2.  She's had two recent public tantrums and I wanted to see how others would handle.

One was at the grocery store.  We were almost done with our shopping, she wanted a toy, I said no, she went into full-on meltdown - lying on the floor, screaming, crying, etc.  Normally I respond to tantrums by ignoring, but we're in the middle of the store.  I didn't really want to leave, as we had a full cart of food that we needed to purchase at that time.  Luckily I was able to talk to her and she calmed down, we made it out of the store with our stuff.  I think I distracted her with something else.

Another one was at preschool pickup...this one was really bad - she was screeching, lashing out, and there was no calming her down.  I ended up just picking her up (not so easy because I also had her giant stuffed shark, her papers from school, and her coat) and putting her in the car, where she continued to cry most of the short drive home.  Once we got home we parked and she was able to calm down, then we went inside.

Anyway, just curious about your tactics for these types of things.  My mistake in the grocery store was not giving her a snack before we went, I think.  Not sure what was going on at school.  Thanks for any advice!!

[Shaki]

This is so hard to deal with especially in public!  

For the grocery store,If she could not calm down in the store (which it sounds like your DD was able to do, which is awesome) I would have picked her up and taken her outside or to the car to calm down. Then depending on how that went I would have gone back inside and finished shopping or just gone home and tried again later. It can be really hard to do this if you are feeling like you MUST buy the groceries or whatever. So I would NEVER say "We are going to leave if you can't calm down," (or some variation of that) unless I fully intended to follow through. If it felt important to me to get the groceries come hell or highwater (and sometimes it does) than I would have just said "we are going to go outside until you can be calm, then we'll go back in and finish" I also find that it helps to discuss things with my DD before we go in so I might say "Today we are going to the grocery store, we are not budgeted to buy any toys (or treats or whatever) today--so it is NOT a toy buying day. Do you understand?" Then I'd wait for DD to tell me if she understood. Another thing we do is DD keeps an ongoing "list" so even on a day when we are not buying anything, toy or treat-like, she can add things to her "list." This gives her the pleasure of saying she wants anything she likes in the store and getting to hear me say yes to it. She can put whatever she wants on her list, and then on a day when we can buy a toy or treat she can either chose something she has previously seen and put on her "list" or something new. The whole list thing has worked great for us!

For the pre-school pick up I would have done just what you did: carry to the car and head home.

Really it sounds like you handled both situations just fine.

[Mittsy]

For yelling we use nvc/compassionate communication, get behind the feelings and needs there, and then ask child to rephrase request in a more polite way. For full on tantrums, regardless of where they happen, we take child, either walking or carried their choice, to a quiet place and let them finish the tantrum while empathizing with them. When they are done then we deal with the needs that were not being met and figure out a way to handle that in the future. And, then we finish what we need to do and try to either go home and rest or do something fun for the child, whichever everyone feels up to.

[meemee]

at that age when dd had a public tantrum there was a reason for it. either hungry, tired or not had enough exercise. 

so when she went into tantrum mode i knew she was beyond the capacity to cope or listen or understand.

so i'd pretty much do what you did. pick her up and leave as soon as possible. 

but i'd also be on the lookout to watch for her questions or 'demands'. how intense were they. 

some she was ok if i said no. some i'd give in to her request. like one time i could see the tantrum coming in front of the freezer section. then i realised all she wanted was to touch the frost on the window and then she was happy to go along. 10 seconds and we had averted a big issue.

however i have never 'disciplined' during tantrum. i have held her as she cried or left her alone if she wanted to be. and then she was a different child when she calmed down.