for those families in an open adoption, what does the relationship look like?

[sesa70]

The practice of open adoption is new to me since dd2's birthmom chose a closed adoption. With dd3, we have an open relationship. I actually really like our birthmom, and I find myself thinking about her a lot.

I am just wondering, from families who have lived it, what does your open relationship look like? How often do you visit or talk on the phone? How close are you? Thank you!

[MrsH]

It looks different for everyone, of course.  I've been really helped by reading blogs of people touched by open adoption.  There's a big list here: http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/p/open-adoption-blogs.html. 

For me, the birthmom of my kids is also my sister.  Talk about open!  We're actually about to finalize the adoption, though the kids have been placed with us for close to three years (didn't set out to adopt, so I'm only kind of recently really learning about adoption and reading other peoples' experiences, it's been amazing).  Some boundary issues occasionally come up and I learn over and over again to set them clearly and compassionately, and always remembering that it's not about me or her, but it's about the kids having a strong relationship with her (and birthdad too, he lives farther away and is less reliable about contact though).  Issues recently have been:

• how to quickly explain our relationships to each other when we're around people we don't know well, but do have ongoing relationships with, such as the other parents at the soccer game.  The other day she spent the whole game chatting with a mom in a way that made it sound like she (my sister) is the primary parent, never once mentioning that that's not the case.  It's awkward for sure, but it felt not ok to me.
• visitation at her place.  She'd like to have the kids spend a week with her this summer.  We chose to say no because they're both still really struggling with the idea that the adoption will be forever.  They still actively want to live with her, though at the same time they don't.  Showing them a little slice of "life with birthmom is perfect" is not helpful right now.  However, a daytrip where we all go up and visit for the day can be fine.
• this weekend, during the dad's phonecall, I suspected he'd been drinking.  My eldest mouthed to me a couple of times: "what is eh talking about???"  I whispered that I wasn't sure and it was ok for her to say that she wanted to go play. 
• managing weekly phonecalls with both birth parents has been really tricky in general.  Young kids are just not excited about talking with people on the phone, especially not if it's an awkward conversation with someone they don't know well.  We've tried hard to respectfully work with their dad in particular on ways to take the conversation from "I love you soooooo much, I miss you.  Oh I really love you, you're so smart..." (yuck) to "so what did you do this weekend?  What was something you played?  Where did you go?" and then asking follow-up questions.  He's gotten better. 

Oh and for our level of openness, both birth parents call every weekend (often at like 6 or 7pm on Sunday, which drives me nuts because we can't always be available at that time, you know?).  Their mom visits every 3 weeks, dad 4 times a year.  They don't know each others' adoption agreements or else he'd have MAJOR issues with the arrangement.  All visits are under the stipulation that kids' activities take priority, so my sister in particular does a lot of shuffling between birthday parties, soccer games, picking up from sleep-overs.  She's been a wonderful sport about it.  Some visits we all do stuff together, some visits she takes them out for the day.  Occasionally I feel a little jealous that she took them to a special outing that I'd been wanting to take them to, but then I remind myself that for the kids, it's wonderful that they have all these adults who want to take them on special outings. 

You know what's been wonderful?  Getting to ask their mom for stories about when they were babies.  Getting to ask her "now, where exactly did I live when I was 4 years old?"  Seeing the physical likeness between them (though there's some family resemblance with me too, my daughter and birthmom are absolutely strikingly alike in their features).  Having access to those stories and loving memories has been so healing for the kids. 

I didn't mean to write a book.  Like I said, your relationship with your daughter's birthmom will be completely unique.  All the best!

[koalove]

our open adoption has changed over the last 4 years.  when we all lived in the same city, in the beginning, there were weekly visits, lots of phone calls etc.  i think this worked out only because we all genuinely like each other and have similar parenting styles.  i did miss dd when she went home with her new family, but i also missed her family!  the plans we made for visits during my pregnancy were sort of swept aside as we did what we felt instead, for example, they thought they would need a few weeks of no contact in the beginning to establish a bond, but they brought her to me every day for the first week, a few times a week after that, and it tapered down to once a week or once every few weeks if we were busy. i pumped for her and breastfed her when we were together for 6 months which was part of the reason for the frequent visits.   often we would just meet for story time at the library or something since i also was parenting my 18 month old, which made it seem less heavy, like a VISIT, some huge deal.  we all knew wede see each other again soon.  now i have moved to another state, 10 hours away and we do 3 visits a year, or more if any of us has time off from work or extra money for the trip (this never happens unfortunately...) once my family goes to them, once they come to us, and once we meet in the middle, usually in summer, for a camping trip.  lots of phone calls and e mails too.  now that the kids are getting bigger, they can talk on the phone and make cards for each other etc.  we really want them to still be siblings as much as possible.  it has been really special!  i dont know what it would look like if we didnt fit so naturally into each others lives.  we really are like one big family that i am very proud to be part of.

[excitedtobeamom]

We are only two weeks into a semi open adoption that I hope will be more open.  Right now we email and exchange pictures.  One birthparent wants some visits but not the other at this time.  The first visit will be around 1 month.  Our agency has us write a covenant explaining what our "openess" will be like and all parties sign it.  It hasn't been completely finalized yet.

[mntnmom]

Hi, birthmom here. :)  I've had an open relationship with my daughter's parents all along. It's definitely changed over time. They've always been very positive and accomodating. But, for the first... well honestly 10 years or so, I was not in a place emotionally to be very involved. They sent pictures occasionally, and after I moved away I got updates through my family. I have sent pictures in return, as well as gifts like magazine subscriptions that her parents approved of, wouldn't think to get themselves. She's now my "friend" on FB, which is a little awkward. But it's worked well, because we are open and respectful of each other.

[Whistler]

We have a very open adoption with DS's birth mom.  We visit every 6-8 weeks for about an hour.  I send pics and updates weekly by email (or when I remember, which is sometimes every couple of weeks).  We really like her and we love that he will grow up knowing her and knowing how much she loves him.

[Polliwog]

Well, my story is a bit different. I'm a foster parent and have adopted two of my foster kids. I've got one open adoption and one that I hope will be healthy enough to be open one day.

We (my kids and I as well as his birth sister and her adoptive mother) see my son's birth mother and grandmother a few times a year. They adore all of the kids and have been including my DD (the only child not from that bio family) more and more. We're not the same AT ALL but we all share the love of the kids. My kids were just asked to be in DS's birth mother's wedding. She's marrying the father of her youngest child (who lives with her) and is very excited about it. Having DS, his bio sister, and my DD in her wedding sounds odd to me but it's important to her and the kids don't care one way or another. In fact, they're looking forward to wearing fancy clothes.

[sesa70]

thank you everyone for responding. We have our first post placement meeting next month, and we will all be getting together, my other two girls included. I am honestly a little nervous about this.... My oldest has some pretty severe special needs. She does not walk, or talk, really does not move much, and coughs a lot. She also has an amazing spirit and is a very sweet girl, but it takes time to get to know her to see that. When you first look at her, you see a very visibly disabled person with their mouth open :( We were very honest about her limitations in our profile book and our dd3's birthparents have seen many pictures of her, but seeing her in real life is very different. We get stared at every time we leave the house and I am just a bit worried about how this is going to go.

On a brighter note, I really do love our dd's birthmom, and couldn't imagine a better person to \share our lives with. I just hope things do\n't change after she meets our dd :(

[Whistler]

That's tough.  Keeping my fingers crossed for you!  Here's hoping they are GREAT about your DD.  :)