Is it worth leaving for this? - Page 2

[StellaBleu]

Mine did that too!  Wouldn't pay $1200 for prenatal visits for our second child because "savings is savings...you can't spend it".  So I had to ask my mom for it.  When I was 7 months pregnant he bought a BMW Z4 convertible!  When my mom came to stay after I had the baby and saw that car she was livid (I hadn't told her b/c I didn't need the added stress going into the last month of my pregnancy).  She told me then....(should have listened).   Not to mention that I had to get  my girlfriends over to finish hanging shelves and decorating the baby's room for my shower b/c he wouldn't do it.  I almost put myself in preterm labor trying to move furniture around b/c he wouldn't lift a finger.  I could go on and on...

[sapphire_chan]

Get separate insurance on your car, and start only paying that bill. Document every penny you spend on the family, especially things he uses. Email him or something to get written acknowledgment of the $45,000 and call it a "loan" when you do.

Note every date and time he has a chance to be with the kids alone and refuses.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

 Email him or something to get written acknowledgment of the $45,000 and call it a "loan" when you do.

Oh yes, good idea. Do you have any other documentation about that transaction? We had a kind of similar thing. When things were going really badly in the marriage and X kept saying over and over again that he didn't feel he was being appropriately compensated he actually presented me with a :"bill" for improvements and maintenance he had done on the house. He argued that all that added value to my part of the investment in the house. Ha ha. I of course argued that it didn't work like that in a family. All the money went into a joint account.  And if he was going to bill me for that I should bill him for surogacy and wet nurse services-- it was that ridiculous to me. Anyway in the end I paid him $5k because, like you, I hoped it would make things better since he claimed it was a major issue for him. Of course nothing changed. And it was shortly after that (I think) he started having an affair. Anyway when I went to file for divorce I asked my lawyer if there was any way I could ask for this money back and he said it would be pretty tough and I may end up paying more in legal and court fees to fight over it than I would get back. So I dropped it and chalked it up to a lesson learned. Anyway, do try to get some documentation on this so you're in a better position to get it back.

Edited by NolaRiordan - 4/16/11 at 6:01am

[NolaRiordan]

Another thought-- so was the money you inherited from your mom just kept in your own account with your own name?? This will definitely be something to ask an attorney but inheritance money can be kind of tricky. At least here I know that if you've kept it separate and never "mingled" that money you are more likely to be able to argue that it is yours alone and not a marital asset. But if you did something like bought a house with it  in both of your names you may be out of luck and he may be entitled to half. I had a friend who inherited a very large amount of money from her mother's estate. And they put in in a joint mutual fund account. When she started investigating divorce she found out he would be entitled to half and was really shocked.

[transylvania_mom]

I don't belong here in single parenting, I'm just butting in. What you are saying is outrageous. Stop buying food for him. Stop washing his clothes and cooking for him. Stop paying for his cars. Stop having sex with him and move his stuff in a different room. If he doesn't like it, HE can move out and HE can worry about divorce. You are doing all the work for him again, worrying about where to move, how to share parenting time with him and so on. Stop giving him chances.

[Mama Soltera]

I wanted to add, protect yourself. It sounds like he could be trouble. I don't think he's going to go quietly. Stay strong, stand your ground. He will act like he's going to change. He's not. I'm sorry, but it's true. :(   Best wishes.

[singin'intherain]

 I don't know what collaborative divorce is, but I seriously doubt that he is going to collaborate with you on your divorce, if he has never been willing to collaborate with you on your marriage and family. If I were you I would get a good lawyer and as much documentation as I could get my hands on.  Divorce is stressful, as others have said, but there is one big bright spot- you stop having to endure the consequences of his actions-he can't get to you anymore. Don't go through the stress, and still have to go through life pretending that the two of you are cooperating, that he is a rational human being, that half of this mess is your doing, or that you owe him some kind of deference or care. This man, your "husband", has been cheating you for a long time. Please just get as thoroughly out from under that as you possibly can, and find some peace for yourself.

[Latte Mama]

Crashing... He sounds very selfish and like a user.  You can do better OP.  Why are you leaving the family home?  Speak with an attorney before you move out.  Good luck mama, you and your kids deserve better!

[*MamaJen*]

Oh, gosh. Reading your post made me so sad. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, and so glad you're getting out. I've been following your posts for a while and always been so appalled by his behavior.

You should really consider joining the surviving abuse forum. So many of the things you're describing are classic emotional abuse/control issues. Counseling will not help this guy, that is, not unless he has some magic epiphany and is willing to do years of hard work to change. Quite frankly, he sounds utterly narcissistic and probably thinks he's a perfect human being. 

Also, I would drop idea of collaborative divorce. He has never collaborated with you before and he'll use it as an invitation to make sure you get as little as possible. He has a clear track record of being selfish and taking outrageous advantage of you. You have a clear track record of letting him. Please, go into the divorce with your eyes wide open on this point. You have had serious trouble sticking up for yourself around your husband for the last 17 years. This is not going to be an easy situation. He's pitching a tantrum at the idea of paying for his own child's therapy. Imagine trying to convince him logically to pay for child support. Please, please, please, find an attorney who understands abuse issues and will be your advocate and stand up for yourself if you start to cave.
Also, have you ever read up on codependency? It sounds like it might be a factor. If you understand a little bit about it, it could help you protect yourself. You are still so focused on keeping him happy. He's a grown man and he can keep himself happy. It's not your job. He's already broken his promises to you. Please, focus on your emotional well-being and that of your children.

[Mama Soltera]

I couldn't agree with this post more! I agree that I'm seeing a lot of power/control/abuse flags. Stay strong. He won't want to let go of that easily. Eventually, with you standing your ground, he will get the message though.

Originally Posted by singin'intherain 

 I don't know what collaborative divorce is, but I seriously doubt that he is going to collaborate with you on your divorce, if he has never been willing to collaborate with you on your marriage and family. If I were you I would get a good lawyer and as much documentation as I could get my hands on.  Divorce is stressful, as others have said, but there is one big bright spot- you stop having to endure the consequences of his actions-he can't get to you anymore. Don't go through the stress, and still have to go through life pretending that the two of you are cooperating, that he is a rational human being, that half of this mess is your doing, or that you owe him some kind of deference or care. This man, your "husband", has been cheating you for a long time. Please just get as thoroughly out from under that as you possibly can, and find some peace for yourself.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Fortunately you know you have been an enabler.  Now you need to deal with it.  Unfortunately you gave him the money that would have been a nice downpayment for you on a new home.  The years will continue to go by.  Make the best of it.

[Wachee]

I have faced an ex similar to yours but I was lucky enough to get out after a year and a half. I think first you need to find therapy for yourself, it helped me tremendously and don't do a collaborative divorce, you are likely not in the place to be strong and get what you need, you need an advocate to do that for you - a lawyer.

It sounds like he has some type of disorder that no amount of help from you or collaboration will help, he needs to realize he has problems and needs to get help and it sounds like he is not there.

Get out, you may see differences in your DS as well if you can find a positive male role model for him. It won't make your DS's issues go away but it may calm down some behaviors.

Planning at this point is important to get out, don't worry about buying or renting you can decide that later. Now it is important to get out as emotionally intact as possible as a family.

[homewithtwinsmama]

I would absolutely leave for this.  And I would not be going collaborative. I would be getting a bulldog lawyer to get back that 45K your mother gave you as a way out of your situation.  I also would cancel the car insurance on every car that is not yours and stop making meals for him or doing anything else that financially benefits him.  I would rather be a single parent than do it all alone AND be harmed financially. What must your credit be like if you are left with bills you can't pay at the end of each month.  I would absolutely start making a plan and getting out. 

[NannyMcPhee]

I would leave simply because I was unhappy. The financial stuff probably comes up in any marriage. Just be prepared to have separate finances from any spouse you acquire in the future.
 

But seriously. If you don't love him, that is reason enough to leave. Have you had counselling together?

Also, collaborative divorce is awesome. depending on what state you are in, I could point you in the right direction of a good practitioner.

[minnowmomma]

Please do not give him a heads up or any other kind of warning about what you intend to do.Get as much financial info on him as possible cause he sounds like the kind of man that would hide assets so that he can plead poverty in court.I agree with a previous poster,stop paying for anything that does not directly benefit you or the kids(why should you pay his insurance?)Don't cook,clean or do his laundry and as far as custody it seems to me that it would be in your son's best interest to have only supervised time with his dad since he can't understand his problems.When you do go to court make sure that supervision and parenting are included in the orders.And also don't leave the family home until your lawyer says to cause it means that you acknowledge that it is his and legally you don't want to do that.If you and the kids can't have it then it needs to be sold and the money split.He has already got a financial advantage,don't give him more power.Speaking personally i have been much happier since i split with my kids father cause i don't have to worry about trying to please someone who isn't trying to do the same for me.

[craft_media_hero]

Yes, I would leave if I were in your shoes. Make an escape plan, line up your "ducks", and get out. Don't give him notice ahead of time--I agree w/ pps on that.

In the meantime, why on earth are you paying for 5 cars? Can you sell some of those if you are on the title? Drop the insurance on that and pay only yours, cancel his phone if you're paying it, same with cable and any other non-necessities. That will give you more $ to save up for your escape! I would totally start craigslisting everything you can and putting the $ in your account or even in cash and hidden if there's a place it could go that he won't find it.

I would find a roommate or apartment or something---sounds like you will have to postpone your actual physical leaving until summer, so be it. Save up for a downpayment on a house if possible---being a first time home buyer is not as intimidating as I thought it would be, and you might qualify to be considered as that if the two of you never went through the process together.