No interest in sex...Help!

[Keeta]

Not sure if this is the right thread or if it should be in Parents as Partners...but here goes...

Ok, I've read these threads before, and I know other mamas out there suffer from this problem after the birth of a babe.  But...my DS2 is 14 months now and we still haven't DTD since he was born!  I know, bad.  Half of me feels like the worst wife ever, and the other half just wants to scream and hide under the bed because I have such a STRONG disinterest in doing it.  I feel horrible guilt though.  I really do love my husband and I find him attractive.  It's not like I'm getting busy with myself or anything or thinking of other men/women. I'm just not...thinking of sexy things AT ALL.  Pretty much ever. 

I know a lot of you mamas try to get in the groove even if you don't feel like it.  I really can't fathom this for myself right now.  I want to cringe and burst into tears just thinking about "going along with it" when I don't have the desire - it's like an anxiety attack waiting to happen.  It just feels super gross and wrong to me to be so dishonest with myself about it.  And I know my husband would be able to tell.  He's NOT a fan of pity sex (even when it's not termed as such obviously - he can tell when I'm not into it, even when I try to go along for the ride).  He wants me there 100% or not at all.  And I'm so not even 10% interested.

Some part of it is scheduling.  I've always had more of a morning libido, but this doesn't go well with children who are early risers.  I'm one of those partially narcoleptic people who barely make it past 11 pm, so when both the kids are finally asleep, I am, too.  There have been exactly two times since DS2 was born that there was even a partial window for DTD: once the kids were out with my parents but they could have returned at any moment, which stressed me out; and anoter time both the kids were asleep fairly early and we were both still awake...but my lack of physical desire meeting my anxiety that the baby will surely wake up any moment just left me feeling so stressed, imagining myself listening intently to the baby monitor the whole time and waiting for it to be over. 

I'm still breastfeeding DS2 often, and feel constantly touched out and like my skin is crawling.  Oh and no sign of AF yet.  It came back around 15 months with DS1.  But I don't remember any kind of libido increase until I stopped BFing at 26 months, and even then notsomuch.

Does anyone have any non-pity sex related ideas on what to do?  I know the guilt is compounding my avoidance of DTD.  Also, I know this is weird, but I've never been one of those sex=love people.  Sex is fun and a great physical release to me, but it's never been particularly connected to intimacy for me.  My husband is baffled by this, but it's my truth.  I don't know any other way to be.  So for me, the lack of physical desire doesn't equal a lack of intimacy, but for him it does.

Help!  Natural remedies safe while breastfeeding?  Do I need counseling?  I'm so lost and it's not improving.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Hugs. I don't have much libido although I do feel much more connected to DH after we DTD, so even when I'm not feeling that into it, anytime we have the opportunity I will initiate. I never regret it and I'm always happy that I did.  

Part of our issue is scheduling - we also co-sleep with our 12 month old, so I hear you on those issues.  What I would recommend is trying to make time for you and your DH to just reconnect as a couple with no sexual obligation.  Make some time to be alone together to eat a meal or cuddle or massage each other. You also need to talk about it so that you are both on the same page.  DH wants sex WAY more than I do, but he understands that in addition to the fact that we have very little time, it's also a hormonal issue for me.  I breastfeed all night long (reverse cycling) and still don't have AF at 12 months PP, and I have explained to him how natural family spacing works. It's real and for many women it is a huge contributing factor to low libido after childbirth. 

Good luck, and you're not alone, although at 14 months PP, there's probably so much expectation and pressure built up that it will only get harder unless you work through it gently and together. 

[Bird Girl]

I don't think you need counselling--it sounds like you need a babysitter! I am one of those women who pretty much can't feel sexy if I'm thinking about the kids, but if I'm alone with my husband without thinking about them, I can get back into "my old self" without too much trouble. Do you have reliable child care at all? Everyone needs a break--even nursing mothers--and at 14 months, your son should be able to go several hours without you.

I know that people often recommend "date nights" for parents to have time to reconnect, but if you get tired at night, and especially if you have to nurse your son to sleep, nighttime may be a lousy time for you to plan alone time. I would instead suggest that you find a babysitter or arrange some child care during the day, and see if your DH can take a couple of hours off of work. If you could get some alone time in the morning, perhaps he could just go in a few hours late that day. Perhaps a weekend morning would be a good time to ship off the kiddos for a few hours--do you know another mom or couple that would like to trade morning play-date time? Perhaps you could do one weekend day and they could do another?

If I were you, I'd be tempted to print out your post and show it to your DH. If he knows that you realize that something is wrong, you want to try and fix it, and that you understand how important sex is for him and for your relationship, he may be more patient and flexible. Set low expectations for your first time together--maybe just make breakfast together (have a mimosa?) and read the paper in bed. I bet that once you are a little bit rested and know that you have three or four hours to yourselves, you start to feel a little more interested.

[McGucks]

Hi, Mama.  I am a year PP and am still struggling with zero libido.  I started a thread about it awhile back:  http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1282060/motherhood-and-libido   If the link doesn't work, check out "Motherhood and Libido" under "Life with a Babe."  Apparently, this is a super-common issue.  I know that exhaustion and dryness (likely due to BFing), plus the "touched out" thing are all factors.  I also think there is a kind of evolutionary flavor to it all...part of women's libido, perhaps, is linked to the drive to have a baby.  And, now that we have, some of the biological/chemical spin to it is just gone.  Like you, I love DH and still find him very attractive.  I don't have ideas for you because I am in your same boat, but wanted to at least let you know you were not alone.  My first marriage dissolved, in part, due to this same issue (and other problems, I assure you) and my ex's unwillingness to do anything other than drink and mope about it all.  So to experience the lack of libido again is pretty scary for me, but I do think DH and I will be able to work through this together.  Good luck to us both.

[callahansmama]

I'm sorry that you are going through this! For some reason I had a super high libido during pregnancy and it has fortunately continued through the first 11 months of my son's life even though I am getting very little sleep and breastfeeding day and night too. I guess I find that I feel closer to my man when we are having sex more frequently and we definitely get along ALOT better. There have been weeks where we have fought alot due to sheer exhaustion and feeling hopeless with our son's sleeping patterns but I find that even when I "waste" a nap fooling around, I feel better and more able to cope with the stress I am feeling. I think our son was 2 days old when I initiated oral sex because I needed to feel like a woman and not a big fat blob with a baby attached to her boob all day. There are a lot of times when I am not necessarily into it when he initiates but after some foreplay I forget my stress and I always feel better and more connected afterward. Alot of times when I am feeling that he deserves some attention and I just can't fathom getting completely into it myself, I'll just give him oral sex and he loves it so much I always wind up enjoying it. Are you eating well, getting exercise, feeling good about yourself? Maybe you should "get busy with yourself" as you say! lol The more you get the more you want with sex I think. Maybe those things would help if you aren't already doing them.  I wish you all the best mama:)

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Bird Girl 

I don't think you need counselling--it sounds like you need a babysitter! I am one of those women who pretty much can't feel sexy if I'm thinking about the kids, but if I'm alone with my husband without thinking about them, I can get back into "my old self" without too much trouble. Do you have reliable child care at all? Everyone needs a break--even nursing mothers--and at 14 months, your son should be able to go several hours without you.

I agree with this. :)

My suggestion is the same - to get a regular sitter or a trusted friend to take your kids to the park one weekend morning for a few weeks in a row. The first one have your own time, cuddle the next one or two, and then use the time after that to dtd. For me exercise helps too.

[Keeta]

Thanks for the replies, mamas.  I've never before been able to imagine how a babysitter would help our situation (since I usually think of them coming to the house and DH and I leaving...and a hotel room would be a LOT of pressure not to mention expensive!) but the idea of having one come take our kids to the park on a weekend morning sounds like something we might be able to swing...DS2 is a serious mamas boy though - the one time I left him with a sitter that wasn't my mom (who lives 3 hours away) I had to come back during the date, pick him up and take him back to dinner with us.  SO not romantic.  We got time away from the 4 year old, but alone time is kind of all or nothing, IMHO.  So, I know we need to get him used to a sitter...it just allllll sounds like so much WORK!  I know it'll be worth it.  I'm just so tired.

It really helps to know that I'm not the only one struggling here.  I have thought about letting DH read this thread, and I might get there...it's just that every time the topic comes up I end up crying, so it's hard to get up for it, if you know what I mean.  I'm already tired enough without the crying! ;)

[Ravin]

As far as your son and a sitter, going out to someplace fun and being left at home in the evening when tired are two quite different scenarios, so its worth a try. Would your mom possibly be willing to come to your place for a weekend once a month?

[Keeta]

Originally Posted by Ravin 

As far as your son and a sitter, going out to someplace fun and being left at home in the evening when tired are two quite different scenarios, so its worth a try. Would your mom possibly be willing to come to your place for a weekend once a month?

That's a good point about the sitter. We'll definitely have to try it. As for my mom, we see them at least once a month, either here or there (but mostly there). We do get a chance to go out by ourselves usually - but it's always OUT. So we can eat/talk in peace, which is great, but not really an opportunity for physical affection. When she comes up here, she doesn't drive (city driving freaks her out). With Ds1 we used to sometimes send him downstairs in the morning while we "slept in"... But I feel really obvious and awkward doing that now, sticking her with two kids...it just seems weird and awkward and I'd be stressed the whole time that we were taking advantage.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Waves from a DDC buddy!

Yep, in the same boat. Just the past couple of weeks, I've even started caring if I look attractive. I can feel "things" returning. DH gets up at 5am, so he really wants to be in bed by 9:00 - just about the time I've got DS to sleep and actually thinking about having more than a moment to myself. Bah. So even though I feel like I might actually be able to convince myself to get something started, just about that time, he starts complaining of how tired he is. That's not his fault either - it's being the parents of young kids.

I keep hoping there's some magical pill too. My parents are on the other side of the country right now, but they return in May, and maybe can take DD for a sleepover once school is out. I'm not sure I want to wait until July though...

So no help, but more commiserations.

[newmamalizzy]

"but my lack of physical desire meeting my anxiety that the baby will surely wake up any moment just left me feeling so stressed, imagining myself listening intently to the baby monitor the whole time and waiting for it to be over"

This is EXACTLY what it is for me.  A drink does the trick sometimes.  I know that sounds bad, but it's pretty easy for me to get tipsy off of, like, 3 sips of wine these days, and it's just enough to make my mind relax and stop THINKING all the time.  Oh, and it has to be the first Wednesday after a full moon when the stars are aligned in a very particular way.....

[Keeta]

Originally Posted by newmamalizzy 
A drink does the trick sometimes.  I know that sounds bad, but it's pretty easy for me to get tipsy off of, like, 3 sips of wine these days, and it's just enough to make my mind relax and stop THINKING all the time.  Oh, and it has to be the first Wednesday after a full moon when the stars are aligned in a very particular way.....

  It doesn't sound bad.  DH can't really drink these days though (digestive issues) so it would be just me, which always makes me feel weird.  I did just run the idea of a morning/park babysitting my DH and he thinks it sounds great.  So now to find a babysitter....

[Keeta]

Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario 

Waves from a DDC buddy!

Yep, in the same boat. Just the past couple of weeks, I've even started caring if I look attractive. I can feel "things" returning. DH gets up at 5am, so he really wants to be in bed by 9:00 - just about the time I've got DS to sleep and actually thinking about having more than a moment to myself. Bah. So even though I feel like I might actually be able to convince myself to get something started, just about that time, he starts complaining of how tired he is. That's not his fault either - it's being the parents of young kids.

I keep hoping there's some magical pill too. My parents are on the other side of the country right now, but they return in May, and maybe can take DD for a sleepover once school is out. I'm not sure I want to wait until July though...

So no help, but more commiserations.

Hey Perdita!  Good to see you, just not under these circumstances.    I'm both sad for you but relieved for me to see you here, since our babes are the same age  (and it makes me feel better to see moms of 2 and of older nurslings, rather than only the people who have one 3 month old and are feeling like they're freaks...um, yeah, my baby's 14 months old and we still haven't DTD!)

I checked out a pretty hilarious book from the library about a woman struggling to find a way to compromise between her low libido and her husband's higher one.  It's called I'd Rather Eat Chocolate, which so describes how I feel about the subject!  They don't have kids, but I'm finding just hearing about her experience with a low libido is both making me laugh and feel validated.   I'm also glad to see an author out there who doesn't just glibly say "Just do it, even if you don't feel like it."  I find that's such a male perspective.  I mean, I do lots of things I don't feel like doing (laundry, nursing my toddler 3-5 times a night, dishes, shower) but with sex...it just feels like giving up or religiously submitting to his will or something (I'm not religious) - and it makes me feel repulsed to think of doing that. 

[Ginger Bean]

Weird question: have you gotten your period back? I had absolutely no interest in sex -- not only that, just zero sexual feelings, like I was a totally asexual being like a spore or something -- until my period came back recently.

[Knitting Mama]

Two weeks ago, I had the urge for sex for the first time since my daughter was born (she is one). Two weeks later, now, I have my first postpartum period. I am now completely convinced that they are tightly connected! We're still breastfeeding too, so for me it does seem to be the return of fertility that triggers me feeling sexual again. And it didn't last like a switch had been turned on-- I was only desiring sex for those few days of ovulation, and now I am in a place that's sort of halfway between the two extremes. I could have sex, but there are other things, like sleep, that I would want more.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

Originally Posted by Ginger Bean 

Weird question: have you gotten your period back? I had absolutely no interest in sex -- not only that, just zero sexual feelings, like I was a totally asexual being like a spore or something -- until my period came back recently.

I love this, because it's exactly where I'm at (well.. maybe not quite there now, but only as of the past week). It's not like I was going solo or anything either - just absolutely no interest at all. Spore-like.

My period came back with DD at 16 months, shortly after I stopped pumping at work. I'll be interested to see how long it stays away this time, as I'm home now with DS, and he's entering a "hey, Mum's sitting down - time for milk!" stage. I've appreciated having a period-free year, especially since we did IVF, so the less estrogen in my system the better, but at this point, I wouldn't be disappointed if it made a return! I'm also closing in on 40, so it will be a relief when it does come back and I don't have to worry about peri-menopause!

[yongestoneof2]

I'm seeing a lot of stuff about lack of intrest after  birth and pregnancy. But is it normal to have no intrest while still being pregnant. im 33 weeks and i never want to DTD.   I thought you were supposed to want sex more when your pregnant.??