She's not mine.....

[Sage_SS]

My friend is a crack addict.  She was clean for many years.  She has a 14 month old daughter.  She screwed up and has been using for a month.  I didn't know.  

She lost her job and couldn't find a new one and she's a single mother so she has gone on social assistance, but was evicted from her place.  

We have 4 kids, one is a toddler.  We own and run a very, very busy business.  We have been talking about finding domestic help, someone to help with childcare, supervision of kids and their chores and such, driving errands etc....  So we had agreed that since my friend was broke and needed a place to stay, she and her baby would stay with us and in exchange for rent and food she would help with some of the stuff we need help with.  We even offered her a job.  But she's been acting weird for the last couple of weeks and blew the job off.  Which bothered us greatly because it was a chance for her to make some money.  Her behaviour has been suspicious but we've been hoping it wasn't what we thought it was.  But it is.

Early this week, the day we were to move them in actually, she called me in a panic because child protective services was at her place and they were going to take her daughter.  Thats when she told me she'd been using again.  For the last month, apparently.

We went to pick up her daughter and we told my friend that she would not be staying with her, unless she agreed to treatment.  She adamantly refused residential.  But said she would go to a day program.

I'm not going to get into the myriad of issues we are having with my friend.  But I need some help with her daughter.  We love her to bits.. she's cute and sweet.  But she has some baaaad habits.  She is used to her mom just sitting on a couch with her all day.  We can't do that, so she SCREAMS.  And I really mean screams.  All day.  Unless we sit with her.  We are way too busy to just sit all day.  She also screams if we take more than a step away from her.  (btw, the reason she screams and doesn't just cry is probably because her mom sleeps like the dead so its the only way she can get her awake, so its a survival thing for her)

She's been to our house lots of times, she knows us.  I know she's picking up on the stress around her, but I don't know what to do.  

We run our business from our house and the door of our office can't block the sounds of her screams, so its been negatively affecting our business for two days.  

She's also used to just sleeping all day.  We have lots of toys and are interactive with her, but she's not interested in anything but sitting on the couch.

She also is at about a 6 month eating level.  She doesn't know how to eat.  She still pushes the food out with her tongue and doesn't know when to open or close her mouth.  She has lots of teeth, but doesn't know how to chew.  I tried to give her canned peaches and she gagged.  All her mom ever gives her is a bottle and cheese whiz on toast, which she just licks off and tosses the toast.

I don't know what to do.  But we need to change these behaviours for her to stay with us.  And we want that.  We don't want her to go to foster.  

Can someone please give me some advice? 

[crunchy_mommy]

Wow I don't know... If you took my DS when he was 14mos old, you would have had the exact same problems with him (and I am NOT a crack addict!!) so maybe her mom is to blame but maybe not...

Anyway, can you try wearing her? Can you try feeding her purees or even formula? Can you afford to take a couple days off to just focus on helping her adjust?

[tzs]

i don't know if you can blame the drug addiction since she's only been using again for a month. it seems like alot of posters here have the exact same issues with their toddlers (not to keen on solids, unable to function independent of mom/dad/whoever...)

kudos for taking all this on...i hope you get some good advice.

[Kristimoo]

What a fantastic thing you are doing by caring for this little girl. Your friend is lucky to have someone who loves her so much to care for her daughter, considering the situation she has put herself and her daughter into. I have no history of drug abuse in my family so I can't speak from experience but I suspect your friend could have been using or drinking perhaps?? during pregnancy.

The little girl's delayed development is going to be a big struggle for you.  The fact that she still isn't really talking, has a gag reflex and isn't swallowing properly is a big red flag for me. Even though she's 14 mos she seems very high maintenance.Wow how stressful for you! It's very likely she is going to take awhile to catch up to normal, if that's possible. Drugs can do bad things to someone's system even years after someone gets clean, etc. If the girl's IQ is lower from prenatal nutritional deficiency or drug abuse, it's unlikely she will end up perfectly normal.  Also, probably your friend was quite disengaging and didn't stimulate her properly and thus didn't help her to learn skills and become interested in play and entertainment on her own.

Give that the little one doesn't have mom and is probably stressed about it inside, she is bound to cry and carry on. I think my daughter went through 3 periods of time at 7 mos, 10mos and around 15 mos where she would flip out whenever I went more than 10 feet away from her.  It didn't last forever but it really was tough. These were the "normal" separation anxiety things that come at certain stages or milestones for the kids.  Does the little one crawl well? Is she creeping or walking?  If she isn't than it makes all the more sense that she's scared of the necessity of doing those things and fearful of trying/failing or anxious about not being able to.. Kids have lots of fears really, especially ones who lost a parent.

First. Toss that baby bottle. Even developmentally delayed toddlers should be off a bottle ASAP. Buy a Nuby sippy cup that has the transition pieces. It has a soft nipple than graduates to other nipples and then a hard sippy piece. See if you can get her on some probiotics, vitamin C and fish oil. Fish oil very important for brain development. Brush her teeth daily. I'm a hygienist and I can tell you that if mom gave her a bottle around the clock she already probably has invisible decay that will show up in the next two years unless it gets arrested by proper diet and brushing ASAP. Keep her off JUICE!!! No juice! Esp no apple or grape juices.  Milk and water only. See if you can find a hygienist to give you some fluoride varnishes and do those 1/month.  DO NOT PUT HER TO BED WITH MILK, even if she screams.  But do comfort her and sleep with her if necessary.  I always give my daughter water at night in a sippy.

.

Can you get a Moby Wrap? You can tie her to you in about 10 different ways and I know that she probably isn't super light but the best thing you could do is keep her close to you and give her some security while you are walking around and doing things/working.  If you have other friends who can help out with caring for her during the week so you can get some work done.  Maybe put an ad out at church or high school for volunteers, high schoolers or older retired women with not much to do. I bet you could find someone to come to your home and help spend time with her...

Whatever you do, you can't consider her 14 mos.. In your mind you need to treat her like the age that she's acting- which seems to be like 6 to 9 mos like you were saying in your post. If she wakes at night, you may need to go to her and settle her down. I wouldn't let her cry for more than 5 minutes, like you might with a normal 14 mo old. 

In time I think her behavior will improve once she learns she doesn't need to scream to be heard. Just keep telling her that yelling at you doesnt' make her get her way quicker. I tell my 19 mos that all the time, even though she says over 250 words she sometimes prefers not to use any at times!! She still screeches at me on occasion.  I praise her when she doesn't do it and ignore her somewhat when she does screech and then hug her when she stops.

I hope this helps. My best of luck to you and the little one.  Just remember your friend is lucky to have you and while it seems you want to help her out it definitely isn't your responsibility by any means. If it gets to be too much than don't be afraid to contact social services if needed. Although foster parents get a negative view sometimes, there are wonderful people out there who volunteer to be foster parents that might have the time and energy to devote to this little one if for whatever reason you couldn't.

[Zangua]

My first instinct is to say "sling that baby". She is used to being sat with AND she is no doubt having separation issues even if she knows you, so security and closeness will probably help to ease the transition and eventually you will be able to help her play on the floor or interact with your older kids who can 'entertain' her. 

Do you know the 'rucksack' carry? It's great for toddlers. You can get her on your back and go about your day.

You may also want to consider hiring a competent high school student or someone who you can pay a reasonable price to be around the house with the kids while you get your work done?

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by Kristimoo 

First. Toss that baby bottle. Even developmentally delayed toddlers should be off a bottle ASAP. Buy a Nuby sippy cup that has the transition pieces. It has a soft nipple than graduates to other nipples and then a hard sippy piece.,. . .DO NOT PUT HER TO BED WITH MILK, even if she screams.

I think this is really, really, really bad advice for a child who is experiencing huge upheaval in her life. I know you mean well, but this little girl needs as much comfort as she can get right now - and if that comfort comes from a bottle, big deal. Oh well. Eventually, of course she will stop using a bottle. But for now, especially for a baby with feeding issues, she needs to be getting nutrition and comfort. While I know that drinking formula in a bottle at bed time can cause potential dental issues, I think those issues are fundamentally secondary to her emotional health.

OP, I agree with the poster that said to try a sling - or if you have access to something like an ERGO to carry her on her back. I also think hiring a mother's helper typer person to help out might be a good idea, if you can swing it. Since you are dealing with CPS, they can probably point you towards some resources to get her evaluated for developmental delays. That's obviously long term (and I don't know how long you guys will have her with you), but getting the ball rolling on that ASAP could have a big impact later on. She might not have delays - neither of my boys were eating much of anything at that age solids wise. DS1 was one of those kids who needed constant interaction to be happy. Right now, I think you just have to be patient. She just lost her mother. Even if she knows you guys and loves you, that's trauma for her.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Wow, this is a really hard thing you are doing and it's so generous and desperately needed.  First off - the fact that you are doing this at all is to be commended.  

It sounds to me that her behavior could just be a natural reaction to being separated from her mom.  You said your friend has only been using for a month right?  If that's true, she maybe wasn't an ideal parent before that, but one month of using won't create lifelong problems for the child.  I am not at all concerned about her issues with food or her verbal skills - I have a 12 month old who is more advanced, but if she was where your friend's daughter was I would not be terribly worried.  What you may want to do is contact Birth to Three, or another developmental assessment agency to get someone to come to your home and assess her development.  If she's really delayed, they can get people to your home on a regular basis to help work with her to improve her skills.

Next, if you are having serious difficulty maintaining her in your home, you may want to contact the social service agency in your state to ask for help. They may be able to license you as a foster parent and give you a stipend and a support worker.  You can also get respite care to get a break.  

Hugs to you and good luck.

[LynnS6]

forum crashing as I saw this from new posts:

Do you have an official foster care relationship? Do you have anything on paper? What did CPS leave you with? If you've got something official, then you might be able to get some therapeutic services for this child. Mom may have been using for a month, she may have been using for longer than a month. Regardless, you've got a child who's been separated from her mother at a very very sensitive time of attachment (separation anxiety peaks around 18 months). If you're getting some money for foster care, I'd suggest spending on that for childcare help specifically for this child.

Second, I'd call Early Intervention (which is not CPS, but looks at developmental issues) and have them come assess her. Her inability to eat/chew, and her screaming might be due to a developmental issue, and it'd be good to have her development checked out. Early Intervention (sometimes called Birth to 3) provides free (sometimes in-home) therapy for kids.

(And if you don't have anything official you need it -- if she falls and gets hurt, or gets really sick, you don't have the authority to get her treated. She could be taken from you at any time.)

Finally, you might want to post over in the Adoptive and Foster Parenting forum -- there are some pretty experienced foster parents there who might be able to advise you on the transition this little girl has to make. Some of the typical rules might have to be suspended.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

forum crashing as I saw this from new posts:

Do you have an official foster care relationship? Do you have anything on paper? What did CPS leave you with? If you've got something official, then you might be able to get some therapeutic services for this child. Mom may have been using for a month, she may have been using for longer than a month. Regardless, you've got a child who's been separated from her mother at a very very sensitive time of attachment (separation anxiety peaks around 18 months). If you're getting some money for foster care, I'd suggest spending on that for childcare help specifically for this child.

Second, I'd call Early Intervention (which is not CPS, but looks at developmental issues) and have them come assess her. Her inability to eat/chew, and her screaming might be due to a developmental issue, and it'd be good to have her development checked out. Early Intervention (sometimes called Birth to 3) provides free (sometimes in-home) therapy for kids.

(And if you don't have anything official you need it -- if she falls and gets hurt, or gets really sick, you don't have the authority to get her treated. She could be taken from you at any time.)

Finally, you might want to post over in the Adoptive and Foster Parenting forum -- there are some pretty experienced foster parents there who might be able to advise you on the transition this little girl has to make. Some of the typical rules might have to be suspended.

[JudiAU]

This girl needs a lot of help and you might not be able to giver her what she needs unless you can make the time committment and have assistance. I don't think incorporating her into a home with other kids and two busy working parents is necessarily going to meet her needs, however well intentioned you are. Are you in a formal relationship with her, i.e. foster care or something? She probably needs therapy for a variety of issues through EI and perhaps one-on-one childcare, as well as dedicated eating intervention.

I seriously doubt your friend's story about using again "for a month." This child has suffered serious neglect and not just for the last month. I also doubt that your friend is going to get clean anytime soon in a non-residential treatment program.

She is only 14m. I think access to a bottle is more than reasonable. It is probably her only sort of comfort and she is already in a stressful environment.