How much does being Single parent change dating/relationships?

[scorpiosbliss]

Ok, so I'm in this relationship that started off as friends who enjoyed spending time when we our schedules matched up. Overtime, we fell in love, and began to figure out the relationship thing. Sometimes I feel like all I want is time to myself-alone! and I feel like every minute of my day could be spent doing this that or the other thing for the house, the kids or me. I thought my dating time was "Me-time" but now ... well, I don't want to make excuses... but I have a lot going on, and he's wondering why I haven't send flirty texts lately. And he likes to talk about every little thing that is potentially a problem... or is sensitive in an insecure way.  

Back when it was just friends, I told my friends that he wasn't the forever guy... that he was just the guy right now because we hit it of really well, flirted. So I get that the beginning is always exciting... Anyways, my reservations/questions were answered and it felt like something that could be more permanent. However, these insecurities of his crop up and I'm left wondering what signal I'm giving off that something has changed for me. 

I get that relationships need their own time to grow and be nurtured... but how much time do you give it, and how much of that is kid-free? I find I don't know what to expect or what I want out of this relationship when it comes to dating with kids? What has your experience been like... how have you made it work? What has been tough for you? What are your deal breakers? Where have you found it easier to be flexible with your relationship and kid schedules? 

Thanks~

me :)

[Devaya]

Just wanted to say I really related to what you posted, and this situation sounds a LOT like a relationship I was in last summer, for 7 weeks...also a friend that developed into love, and then I found that I ended up almost resenting the time it would take to maintain the relationship, the endless discussions about every little issue...it was way too intense for me, and I AM a very intense person...a relationship like that would have been my DREAM before I became a parent, (a relationship where we discuss everything openly and the guy is into discussing issues), but as a single parent with 90 % of the childcare I just didn't have the energy or inclination for it, so I ended it (twice). I am a person who needs a ton of time alone though, so I felt it was taking away from what i needed to recharge. The 'sensitive in an insecure way' thing you said just reminded me of this guy....  but your guy may  be different. Just my two cents. I think we all need to find our own way with balancing dating and relationships, but I know for me, I couldn't go out with anyone who tried to take over from my son's position in my life. I've had this issue with the last two 'serious' guys...the first one, the guy I just described, and the second one, kept saying stuff like 'I want you all to myself' and didn't want to hang out with  me and my son, just me alone, thus taking up all my child-free time (which is not much). I'm now holding out for someone who I can balance this with.

[Halfasianmomma]

I've been seeing the same guy for a year now, and our relationship started as a friendship that began a decade ago. We reconnected after I separated from my XH. At the time when we started "dating" I was adamant with him that my DD and my family, with whom I live, come first. Then there's tango and then I need some time myself. I have continued checking in with him as the relationship has progressed from exciting to comfortable. Our time together is limited to the week-ends, usually from Saturday morning to Sunday morning. He has obligations on Sundays and sometimes he plays shows on Fridays or Saturdays. He generally comes over after all the shopping has been done on Saturday and we spend time together with DD and my folks. We have *very little* intimacy...generally, we can be alone together after DD has gone to bed at 8 p.m., but then my folks are still around. Also, I suffer from powerful migraines and how much sleep I get influences how bad they are...so we can't be staying up till 3 a.m. when DD jumps out of bed at 7 a.m.

It's been...tough at times! I never imagined that I'd be figuring out a new relationship WHILE parenting a toddler...

My bf is also intense, super sensitive and has his own triggers from being in a relationship with a rather abusive woman. Sometimes those triggers annoy me but I try to put myself in his shoes. He's also ridiculously patient with my situation (i.e. single mom working FT, studying PT, living with her parents in single family home), as am I with his (teaching working FT + managing a band + various projects).

In the past few months, I've had to tell him I need some alone time, and though I felt his feelings were hurt, he backed right off. I'm an only child and I'd gotten used to spending a lot of time alone. He used to tell me he'd also need time alone but so far I've been the one to ask him to back off. I'm a much happier person when I get time to just...spend alone.

My long term plan (which may come to fruition next year) is to buy a duplex with my folks so that we can be in close proximity but still have our own space. I hope that we'll all find it easier to have our own space, and that this will impact my relationship positively.