My mom and I have had a very up and down relationship. In really simple terms here it has been. Parents divorced when I was 6 or so, I lived with her the whole time. You know she was my mom when I was young so I loved everything about her. Teenage years, shockingly couldn't stand her, young adulthood, we're good again...Now as a mother myself we are good but....I am drifting from her. I actually don't even enjoy talking to her on the phone or really visiting her anymore (overnight visits as she is over 3 hours away). The minute I get to her house I want to leave and I spend the whole time edgy and unhappy.
As an adult I am always looking back at my life (an issue I am working on) the things I feel people "did" to me are things I haven't let go of at all. My mom thinks she has been a great mother, she acts today as if she never did a bad thing. She still treats me as though I am 12. A recent thing that popped out of her mouth when we were having a disagreement about our 2 dogs who got in a spat was, "DON'T YOU CHALLENGE ME!"...What am I supposed to do with that attitude?
This woman in her lifetime as a mother has made some really terrible decisions in regard to parenting. It started early.
During the divorce she packed up our stuff in the middle of the night (maybe to avoid my dad's temper, totally understandable) and moved my brother and I in the middle of the night to this apartment where this woman lived...She explained who this complete stranger was to us. It was a woman she had been having an affair with while still married to my father.
Then again we do another midnight move a couple of years later. I don't know why I just remember getting packed into the car in PJs and into a new condo, her GF came with us. At this point I am getting older and realize my mom is "different" in that she has a relationship with a woman but my mother NEVER explained anything to my brother and I. I am 25 and in my ENTIRE life she has never EVER sat me down and said "I am a lesbian, this is what it is. I am not expecting that now, but when I was in elementary and middle school, other kids knew, they teased the @%#$ out of me and I was so confused, ashamed etc. because my mother never explained it as being ok, she never explained it at all. In fact she appeared to encourage it as a secret because she often lied when out in public and said her GF was a friend...This was a huge issue for me, I was so confused about how I was supposed to feel about it, or handle the meanness of other kids. Never got any guidance from the one person who was supposed to help me. My dad didn't help because he would call her a "dyke, queer etc" to his children's faces when we were with him.
In 8th grade my mom MADE me go to dinner at this woman's house, I didn't know this lady at all, never met her...After dinner it was getting late and I wanted to go home, my mom pulled me aside and said to me, "do you like it here?" I said yeah (not getting what was going on) and then she says "This is where we are going to be staying from now on." WTF...I was never ever allowed back to our old house. We had 4 dogs, only 2 came to live with us. I wasn't allowed to know what was going on and I was being "miserable" because I sobbed for 3 days straight in utter confusion. She had been having another affair with this woman and had once again done a sudden move.
Her old GF had been abusive to her (and to a lesser degree me and my brother) and I didn't know this at the time but things are clearer now. We were never allowed to have friends over with the old GF. Never allowed to do anything really. My mom was always getting yelled at etc... I get why she left but what she did was so horrible it has burned itself into my brain. She took me from my home and that was it. No closure, no warnings nothing...
Her current GF (more like her partner, would be her wife if they were allowed to get married) is nice and we sort of get along. I dealt with them both being intensely controlling and discouraging throughout high school. My mom tried to force me into rehab because I smoked weed recreationally. She called the police on me once. She told me if I ran away I would be sent away and never allowed back to her.
After I was in college I left and came back home to live for a semester, it ended with her choking me in the kitchen because we had been fighting and my now DH (then BF) running in, helping me pack my stuff and us leaving that night. I tried to talk to her about that little incident and she denies she ever did it! I had the hand marks on my neck! She says it was my fault we were fighting etc...
At this point in my life I can't really have a conversation with her anymore. This woman is never wrong, I am a child and she was freaking mother of the year every year. I look at her and wonder where that amount of denial comes from. I feel like we have nothing in common and all I can dwell on is the past...Currently, I am selling my car, which is a total heap and she is super disapproving and wants half the money from the sale because she paid to have it fixed up for me years ago. She thinks I am stupid for selling it but if I am, she deserves half the money because of all the money she willingly (which I so appreciate) put into it. I am a grown woman and my mom treats me like a child still. Ugh. I can't stand it. Thinking about having to go visit her is making my stomach turn but DD loves her and they don't get to see DD that often.
So where is this novel going? I don't know, I am trying to "grow" hence personal growth and part of me feels like I can't ever let go of all the horrible things she has done unless I actually talk to her about it. If I can't let of this stuff how am I supposed to move on? I am thinking of writing her a pretty lengthy letter but my main concern is that it will just turn into a diatribe about how horrible she was and how could she think of herself so much more than her children. This woman always took the easy way out and never really did the right thing when it was harder....I want to stop dwelling on these things she has done and how angry it makes me. DH is totally behind the letter idea but he thinks it too might just turn into an angry rant, which she would dismiss and tell me I am wrong anyway and that is not how anything really happened and she always cared about her kids the most blah blah blah...
If I did write a letter (I think I have to) what would I say? She hurt me? I am resentful for all that she did or didn't do?? I don't know, sorry this got so long. The car selling thing has set it all off again and has me mulling over every bad parenting decision she ever made...Of which there are plenty.