The first major emotional thing ~ (when you have a nanny)

[Phoenix~Mama]

My nanny is pretty good... she definitely seems to really interact with the children and they seem to like her.  She isn't very experienced, but that is how I'm able to afford her, so it's okay.  She definitely likes the kids and likes the job, and the kids are cared for at the end of the day, and that is most important.

I've read a few nanny threads here and know from reading that the mommy-nanny relationship is so hard...

Yeah... I had quite the emotional episode last night.  I went to pack my scrap booking stuff to take to my BF's house this weekend, and stumbled upon a project my nanny had started with my DD.  It was a page that had stickers used from my scrap book supplies (ones I had actually bought for DS's scrap book that I have yet to find time to start!, so that was kick in the stomach number one).

It said "DD's name, scrapbook" and had all these bits of paper glued around it.  It was incredibly cute, but my knees nearly buckled and I was on the verge of major tears.

Scrap booking is my major hobby and something that I was really looking forward to doing with DD as she got a little older.  I didn't want to start it yet, as she is just 2, and she gets grabby as 2 year olds do, and likes to rip things.  And well, anyone who scrap books, knows how expensive the materials can be.  A lot of this I had stock piled while I was sill married, or with birthday money etc...

So I was just staring at this in emotional shock.  First I was furious.  Like, why was the nanny going through MY scrap booking stuff?!  And I took time and reasoned, and it's not like I ever told her NOT to touch my scrap booking stuff... but still, it's on the top shelf of this shelving unit in the living room... Then, I was upset about the letter stickers that I had bought for DS and a good many were now missing.  The package was not opened... so the nanny had to open it.  And I was like, "why in the world would she not have asked first before opening something?! wtf?!"

And the main emotion... pain... this was something I was so looking forward to doing with DD, and work has been so busy lately, and by time I get home, I really only have had time to make dinner, giver her dinner, feed her brother, and get them baths and get them to bed.  I hardly ever have time to just sit and do crafts with DD!!!  (this should change once I move and I actually have somone helping juggle 2 kids, yay!)... but anyway... this was MY thing that I had planned/envisioned to do with DD as a special Mommy/daughter thing.

So I called the nanny and told her as much... that I love that she does projects with DD and it's so cute, etc... but scrapbooking is really my thing and something I want as a just me and DD thing.  She was very understanding... and it as it turns out my mother (grumbles) pointed to the living room and said the craft supplies were in there... she meant the basket on the bottom shelf... but for whatever reason the nanny got confused or saw my stuff on the top shelf first and thought that is what my Mom meant. 

So it's all cleared up and such.  But yeah... that so sucked.  :-(   It's really hard knowing sometimes that the nanny gets to do so many fun activites with my DD all day long while I'm stuck at work.  In the same vein... I also know how challenging it can be to spend all day with DD as she is very hands on, and definitely in the challenging 2 year old phase...

But yeah... it was just a weird emotional thing that definitely hit me hard.  Anyone else experience something similiar?

[GuildJenn]

I have definitely had those moments both with a nanny and with daycare.

I really, really try to remember that it is not a competition.

I think the way you handled it was great and it is just fine with a nanny to set a few things as "hands off" - scrapbooking is your thing and you want to do it together. And of course, now that she knows the supplies are not free-for-all that shouldn't happen. 

At the same time I think wow, what a great nanny and your kids are lucky to have someone thinking up projects for them right?

In our children's lives there really, really is ROOM for everything. They are not going to grow up forgetting who their parents are or remembering their first craft so fondly that it overshadows the family relationship.  You and your daughter have years and years to do those things together - even go on a scrapbooking retreat or something. She won't remember who plastered stickers with her when she was two, and if she does it will be in the context of all the things you do -- and will! It gets easier! - together.

I am really firm with myself on seeing those things as more, not less...after I let myself have my 5 minutes of let down.

[Phoenix~Mama]

That is so true GuildJenn... and for everything else I've had no problems with it.  Like cooking.  I LOVE and encourage my DD to cook with everyone.  It's such a fun thing and teaches so much.  And I agree, it does mean a lot to me that I have a nanny that thinks of cute things and such to do with the kids.

For some reason I just want "one" thing that is "mine"... you kwim?  I am a firm believer in it takes a village, and know that no one will ever replace me (even though sometimes I feel less than adequate when my mind runs away with hours I work vs am home)... I love that my children get to be exposed to many adults who love and care about them and can all add to their lives in so many unique ways.

At the same time, it still feels important to me to keep at least one thing that is special just between me and my kids.  The rest can be a free-for-all.  lol

Which, yeah, it's all settled now and my nanny was totally understanding about it all.  And I know DD won't even remember doing that with her.  lol  It is a cute page though, and I love how DD placed all the little things by herself.  I'm definitely using it as the first page in the next book I do for DD.  :D 

I guess... it just really shocked me how much this got to me last night, because of the nature of how I think about everything else. 

[ProtoLawyer]

I remember similar conversations in the stepparenting forum--from moms upset that the stepmom did something that was supposed to be for the moms and kids (ear piercing comes to mind), and from stepmoms who did the upsetting, or who were wondering how to do things without stepping on toes (i.e. if Mom wants to be the one who takes her daughter for her first sanitary supplies, what happens if menarche happens at Dad's?). It might help to take a look back for those conversations.

For me, I don't have anything I know I want to be just me and my son's thing--but then someone actually goes out and does something with my son, and I'm like, hey, I didn't know that I wanted that, but I do!

Emotions are weird things, aren't they? Logically, as a mom, you want your kids to have fun when you're not there (and you want them to have maxi pads if they need them, even if you're not there), but emotionally, it's harder.

[JudiAU]

Sorry you had a hard day. For the future, I'd make sure that it is clear what are your scrapbook supplies and what are LO's art supplies. I'd also make sure you had it stocked with fun stickers and the like but they don't need to be fancy ones. 2 year olds just like to put stickers on things, it wasn't "scrapbooking" in the traditional sense of things.

It is really, really hard to share your kids and your kid's time.

[Phoenix~Mama]

LOL!  See, that's the funny thing, Proto... because of my experience in blended, that is a lot of why I'm okay with many things.  And, I've already been "challenged" in some ways.  Like hearing care providers tell DD how much they love her and giving her snuggles.  (this melts me and makes me so happy) I never felt this way about any other arts & crafts projects DD has done.  My Mom sat with DD the very first time she colored, and I just remember being in awe that DD was at an age that she could hold a crayon and scribble.  lol  Her one care provider did an adorable project for Christmas where she had a mold done of DD's hand and DD helped to paint it then.  (this also made me melt and love how much DD's care provider cared)

I've missed many "firsts" with DD or DS trying new foods because of being at work, and sometimes I purposely let my Mom, or kid's Dad, or even most recently BF have the first experience with new foods, because I do want to encourage and foster bonding experiences between all the important people in my kid's lives.

I missed being the first one to see or touch my DS because of having to be an emergency general anesthesia c-section (yay pre-eclampsia :P)... and that didn't really affect me either... I think because I was just so thankful we were both still alive.

So yeah... emotions vs logic is a really weird thing sometimes.