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What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"? - Page 6

Poll Results: What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 21% (87)
    Yup, I feel for you, so is mine.
  • 3% (15)
    You haven't seen high needs 'til you spent a day with my kid!
  • 6% (25)
    All babies are high needs.
  • 0% (3)
    There's no such thing as high needs.
  • 16% (69)
    That must be so tough!
  • 1% (8)
    My kids are easy because I practice AP with them.
  • 3% (16)
    The parent(s) just need to ____ (set some boundaries and limits, try a routine or schedule, etc.)
  • 41% (169)
    Some kids are high needs but the term seems to be really over-used/incorrectly used.
  • 4% (17)
    Other (explain)
409 Total Votes  
post #101 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post

The label "high needs" is over used. There are parents who use the term to describe a child, then admit "he/she is usually so calm and laid back" five minutes later. So which is it? The misuse/overuse of the label just adds fuel to the idea that "high needs" doesn't exist and a child is either normal or has other issues affecting them. I do think that parents who's children are high needs have a right to argue that the term is overused when they are used to hearing things like "Oh, he wakes up twice a night still, he is so high needs" or "my daughter is high needs, she won't eat her bananas unless it's whole... What? Other things she does? no that's it, but is just sooooo tough on me" while their own child is clingy, up 4 or 5 times a night, won't eat anything except specific food made a specific way, and prone to tantrums when their needs aren't met perfectly.


I was looking at another board, and I just discovered this.....

 

To me, "high needs" is totally different than "needy" or "clingy".  Many parents use "High needs" when the child is just going through a clingy or demanding phase.  I've had daycare parents say "he's very high needs", then I get them and they are perfectly normal.... maybe more demanding, but not high needs.   Some kids are just more work than others.  But, some kids REALLY have high needs.   

 

post #102 of 208

If a mom tells me she has a high needs baby she has my sympathy and understanding.  I had a high needs (although I called her sensitive) baby.  I got all the lame judgement and was told if I'd only do x, y or z she wouldn't be this way.  You know what, those people can bite me.  They weren't living my life and they weren't around my DD 24/7.

 

At the end of the day moms just want to be heard and understood.  We want to know that we are good moms, we have good children and that things will get easier.

 

And if someone has useful input or good suggestions, by all means share it.  But leave the judgement and holier-than-thou attitude at the door.

post #103 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post




I was looking at another board, and I just discovered this.....

 

To me, "high needs" is totally different than "needy" or "clingy".  Many parents use "High needs" when the child is just going through a clingy or demanding phase.  I've had daycare parents say "he's very high needs", then I get them and they are perfectly normal.... maybe more demanding, but not high needs.   Some kids are just more work than others.  But, some kids REALLY have high needs.   

 

 

I could see that. Right now, we say dd2 is being high maintenance, but we mean it in a strictly "at the moment" sense. She's nursing more at 23 months than any of my others were at 12, wants me to hold her, carry her or be led by her (by one finger) most of the day, "interlopes" (dh's term, but I kind of like it) when I'm snuggling with dh or hugging one of the other kids or whatever, and still nurses at night enough to negatively impact my sleep fairly substantially. It's a rough phase...but it's also a totally normal toddler phase, and I'd never call her "high needs", yk? I could see someone using the term that way, though, especially if they didn't have any other kids to compare/contrast against.
 

 

post #104 of 208

I'm conflicted on this.  There are for sure high needs babies...I had 2 of them (1 of them screamed for hours a day for months and had a whole host of autism symptoms as an infant, and then as a toddler was diagnosed with autism & sensory processing disorder, and to this day still has those diagnoses, and the other one was adopted, screamed 20 hours out of every day for several months, and was eventually diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Selective Mutism).  I've seen 'high needs' used to refer to babies who like to be carried a lot (even my non-special needs baby didn't want to be put down!  Totally normal!), babies who nurse all the time (again, totally normal...babies have tiny stomachs), or don't sleep through the night (even at 2, my typical child doesn't sleep through the night, so again, perfectly normal).  I think that attributing "high needs" to a baby's perfectly normal behaviors makes infancy pathological.  I think what people would consider "low needs" (doesn't need to be carried all the time, is very quiet, eats on a schedule, sleeps through the night from the start, etc.) is very very rare, but people like to talk about that, and if the baby doesn't meet those impossibly high standards, it's called "high needs".  When in reality, there are babies who are truly high needs...those who have special more rare circumstances such as colic, pre-diagnosed developmental disabilities, etc.

 

It's the same with sensory issues...EVERY child has some sensory issues...they do NOT all have sensory processing disorder.  I've had to deal with SPD for 7 years...when my son first got diagnosed, it was an ultra-rare diagnosis, reserved for those that truly had issues processing sensory stimuli that drastically affected the child's development.  Now, I visit some message boards or go to playgroups and it seems like 75% of the kids are diagnosed with "sensory issues".  Not liking to be muddy, not eating vegetables, and hating to get your hair washed does not make your child a child with sensory processing disorder...it makes your child normal.  

 

Maybe it bugs the crap out of me because when we're dealing with the 100th tantrum of the week because it's too loud and too bright and now head banging and full on meltdowns start so we can't even go out to church because of the hour long rage that happens and everyone's now staring at us, it doesn't help when every parent in the room says "oh, yeah, my kid has sensory issues too...I understand what you're going through."  No.  You don't.  Not even fricken close.  Not when the extent of your sensory issues is that your kid screams and refuses to eat broccoli (and if you think I'm joking, I've actually heard parents say their kid needs a referral to an OT for sensory issues because she doesn't like broccoli and screams when the soap gets in her eyes in the bath).

 

/vent.

post #105 of 208
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllyRae View Post

I'm conflicted on this.  There are for sure high needs babies...I had 2 of them (1 of them screamed for hours a day for months and had a whole host of autism symptoms as an infant, and then as a toddler was diagnosed with autism & sensory processing disorder, and to this day still has those diagnoses, and the other one was adopted, screamed 20 hours out of every day for several months, and was eventually diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and Selective Mutism).  I've seen 'high needs' used to refer to babies who like to be carried a lot (even my non-special needs baby didn't want to be put down!  Totally normal!), babies who nurse all the time (again, totally normal...babies have tiny stomachs), or don't sleep through the night (even at 2, my typical child doesn't sleep through the night, so again, perfectly normal).  I think that attributing "high needs" to a baby's perfectly normal behaviors makes infancy pathological.  I think what people would consider "low needs" (doesn't need to be carried all the time, is very quiet, eats on a schedule, sleeps through the night from the start, etc.) is very very rare, but people like to talk about that, and if the baby doesn't meet those impossibly high standards, it's called "high needs".  When in reality, there are babies who are truly high needs...those who have special more rare circumstances such as colic, pre-diagnosed developmental disabilities, etc.

 

It's the same with sensory issues...EVERY child has some sensory issues...they do NOT all have sensory processing disorder.  I've had to deal with SPD for 7 years...when my son first got diagnosed, it was an ultra-rare diagnosis, reserved for those that truly had issues processing sensory stimuli that drastically affected the child's development.  Now, I visit some message boards or go to playgroups and it seems like 75% of the kids are diagnosed with "sensory issues".  Not liking to be muddy, not eating vegetables, and hating to get your hair washed does not make your child a child with sensory processing disorder...it makes your child normal.  

 

Maybe it bugs the crap out of me because when we're dealing with the 100th tantrum of the week because it's too loud and too bright and now head banging and full on meltdowns start so we can't even go out to church because of the hour long rage that happens and everyone's now staring at us, it doesn't help when every parent in the room says "oh, yeah, my kid has sensory issues too...I understand what you're going through."  No.  You don't.  Not even fricken close.  Not when the extent of your sensory issues is that your kid screams and refuses to eat broccoli (and if you think I'm joking, I've actually heard parents say their kid needs a referral to an OT for sensory issues because she doesn't like broccoli and screams when the soap gets in her eyes in the bath).

 

/vent.


hug.gif I am sorry you are dealing with so much... I can't even imagine having TWO kids with such severe issues!!

One thing I noticed in your post though is that a lot of the things you mentioned as "not high needs" COULD be high-needs if you're not getting the whole picture -- and obviously, you don't always get the whole picture. So if I say my DS doesn't STTN, you'll be like yeah, no big deal, most babies/toddlers don't. BUT when I explain what I mean by that (that he's up every 20-45mins all night long), it's a whole different story. If I tell you he might have SPD because he won't swallow raw carrots, OK no big deal, but if I also explain that he can't tolerate bright sun and loud noises and shuts down completely if we are outside near a highway, it takes on a whole new meaning. So I think it goes both ways -- many people don't understand what you're going through, but you don't necessarily get what they're going through either, you know?? This is part of what prompted me to start this post, that I was feeling that same sense of judging that I complained about others doing. Not saying you are judging, but that I am struggling not to at times.

(And this is not to discredit everything you just said, because I do know there are people out there who think their kids have SPD just because they won't eat broccoli, and it is infuriating.)
post #106 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

(And this is not to discredit everything you just said, because I do know there are people out there who think their kids have SPD just because they won't eat broccoli, and it is infuriating.)

Also, I've never thought people meant their child had SPD when they say their child has "sensory issues."  I assume they'd say they had SPD if that was the case.  To my mind, "sensory issues" is the catch-all for those kids who are highly sensitive but on one side of a line when kids who are even more sensitive and on the other side are diagnosed as having SPD.  And I assume when people say their child has high needs they mean without a diagnosable condition causing their behavior.  Or a yet diagnosed problem.  High needs and sensory issues are on a continuum which needs to be kept in mind.  It isn't a black and white issue.

 

post #107 of 208

My kids have been a handful lately... what some people would probably classify as "high needs" but they aren't high needs. They are normal needs. They are dealing with stress and reacting the way almost any child would. 

I know some ladies who are in my same shoes who classify their kids as "high needs" although when deployment is over, their kid goes back to normal and suddenly "oh they're the easiest kid to raise ever!" Seriously? 

 

Labels are thrown around way too much. I know some ladies with kids who are genuinely high needs. The other ladies would probably not even be able to handle a DAY with those children. But those high needs children have actual problems that may or may not have been diagnosed, they aren't just being children and reacting to the world around them.

post #108 of 208


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post



Also, I've never thought people meant their child had SPD when they say their child has "sensory issues."  I assume they'd say they had SPD if that was the case.  To my mind, "sensory issues" is the catch-all for those kids who are highly sensitive but on one side of a line when kids who are even more sensitive and on the other side are diagnosed as having SPD.  And I assume when people say their child has high needs they mean without a diagnosable condition causing their behavior.  Or a yet diagnosed problem.  High needs and sensory issues are on a continuum which needs to be kept in mind.  It isn't a black and white issue.

 


 


Agreed.  I've definitely said one of my kids has sensory issues (he happens to love broccoli, btw ;)) and of course most kids have sensory issues of some sort at some time in their life - from things like not being okay with tags on their shirts to not wanting to touch something slimy. BUT, even though my kid hasn't been diagnosed with SPD, I feel like, as his mom and the mom to 3 other kids, plus someone who worked with various small children for years, that some of his issues are a bit extreme - to the point where they impact normal functioning at times.  So, if I said, oh, he gets really loud vocally when he hears loud noises, it may seem like a typical kid thing - but that's just a tiny piece of the big picture. 

 

I do have a kid (same kid) who has some special needs, but in no way are those minimized b/c tons of other parents want to use the term high needs.  Heck, I don't even use it with him, even though he is most definitely a challenging child in many ways.  I really, really don't care how other people want to label their kids, and don't pass judgment when they do, b/c I'm not the one parenting their kid!

post #109 of 208

I think there is too much need to label kids these days.  I have 3 kids but i'm only an expert on my kids.  i have DS1 who was a very normal baby, easy, etc.  Then DS2 who I & drs have considered high needs.  He has a lot of sensory problems, had delayed speech, would shut down around everyone but us.  Now he is 5 and has outgrown & caught up development wise but still shuts down in crowded places or around kids his age.  Our DD on the other hand is just high maintenece lol.


 

post #110 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post


One thing I noticed in your post though is that a lot of the things you mentioned as "not high needs" COULD be high-needs if you're not getting the whole picture -- and obviously, you don't always get the whole picture. So if I say my DS doesn't STTN, you'll be like yeah, no big deal, most babies/toddlers don't. BUT when I explain what I mean by that (that he's up every 20-45mins all night long), it's a whole different story. If I tell you he might have SPD because he won't swallow raw carrots, OK no big deal, but if I also explain that he can't tolerate bright sun and loud noises and shuts down completely if we are outside near a highway, it takes on a whole new meaning. So I think it goes both ways -- many people don't understand what you're going through, but you don't necessarily get what they're going through either, you know?? This is part of what prompted me to start this post, that I was feeling that same sense of judging that I complained about others doing. Not saying you are judging, but that I am struggling not to at times.

(And this is not to discredit everything you just said, because I do know there are people out there who think their kids have SPD just because they won't eat broccoli, and it is infuriating.)

 

yeahthat.gif

 

If someone asks me on the spot why I suspect DD has sensory issues I might be a bit tongue tied (especially if DD is with me and I'm distracted making sure she behaves) or be hesitant to go into long detail (because I'm sure no one wants to hear the whole spiel).  However, it's something that we have talked to our pediatrician and she agrees with us although we have yet to get an official diagnosis. 
 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post



Also, I've never thought people meant their child had SPD when they say their child has "sensory issues."  I assume they'd say they had SPD if that was the case.  To my mind, "sensory issues" is the catch-all for those kids who are highly sensitive but on one side of a line when kids who are even more sensitive and on the other side are diagnosed as having SPD.  And I assume when people say their child has high needs they mean without a diagnosable condition causing their behavior.  Or a yet diagnosed problem.  High needs and sensory issues are on a continuum which needs to be kept in mind.  It isn't a black and white issue.

 


At the moment we say sensory issues because DD is definitely sensitive to a number of things.  We have yet to get an official Dx (although we planning on talking to an OT in the near future) so until we do so we normally just say sensory issues.  Also I think it is important to point out that it's a spectrum.  FIL definitely has a lot of sensory issues to the point that even as an adult he'll throw up when someone is cooking meat (or have a panic attack), thankfully, DD doesn't seem to be that extreme but she definitely has her quirks.

 

 

post #111 of 208

Oh, I agree that it *could* be.  But I can't tell you the number of times my jaw's about hit the floor in shock when someone tells me they "understand what I'm dealing with...my kid has sensory issues/is high needs too" and then goes on to list a handful of things that are completely normal in children...not one thing on the list would be out of the ordinary--just things that are annoying, yes, but still in the realm of being pretty middle-of-the-road normal.  I'm not even talking about people who say that and have kids who are in the realm of normal, but at the extremes.  I'm talking about middle of the road normal...like the person I mentioned who said their kid doesn't sleep through the night so she's high needs...that mom said her infant woke up 2 or 3 times a night (before 6ish months old) and called that high needs.  Uh, that's normal.  That's expected.  That's not even on the extreme end of normal!  It's right smack in the middle of what kids are supposed to do.  That in no way compares to a toddler who wakes up 2-3 times a night having extreme night terrors due to trauma issues (which is what this person was trying to 'understand what I was going through')  

 

I think that a lot of people, who are not all on this site obviously, who say their kid has 'sensory issues' and mean the type of sensory issues that get you weekly therapies.  And I know people personally who say sensory issues and actually attempt to go to an OT for them, only to get mad when the OT says those are normal issues and there is nothing going on, and that actual true sensory processing issues affect the child's development and are not just mere annoyances.  I mean, I get that all kids have some type of sensory issue--all adults do too (I can NOT stand the feeling of chalk.  At all.  If I have to touch the kids' sidewalk chalk, I wrap a towel around it to pick it up because I can't stand to touch it.  But I do not have SPD.  I do not need an OT.  I do not need a label.  I just need to stay away from the dang chalk.).  I get that it's frustrating.  But one does not need to slap a label on annoying behaviors in an attempt to say they understand what it's like having special needs children...I mean, when almost every toddler I know has a label of 'sensory issues' or 'high needs', you start to wonder...it really can't be that every toddler I come into contact with in Ohio's drinking some funky water, you know?

 

ETA:  Maybe it just irritates me more because I've been on the end of true diagnosed 'sensory issues' and 'high needs/special needs', multiple times.  And I've also worked in the field.  I've seen firsthand how there is a sizeable number of people that want to label their children's normal annoying behaviors.  Although part of me wonders what else is going on...is the parent not getting enough support and is at the end of the rope and hopes that there is something going on that might at least make things make more sense?  Are people just not used to normal kid behaviors because if you go on the internet, you either get worst case scenario or you get the people with freakishly mild mannered sleep through the night kids who talk a lot about how their kid did something way before it is actually age appropriate to do it?  Or, are things like sensory issues and colic and autism and the like just talked about more, so more people are just hypersensitive to the symptoms and wonder if the annoying behavior is not really all that normal?


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post



 

hug.gif I am sorry you are dealing with so much... I can't even imagine having TWO kids with such severe issues!!

One thing I noticed in your post though is that a lot of the things you mentioned as "not high needs" COULD be high-needs if you're not getting the whole picture -- and obviously, you don't always get the whole picture. So if I say my DS doesn't STTN, you'll be like yeah, no big deal, most babies/toddlers don't. BUT when I explain what I mean by that (that he's up every 20-45mins all night long), it's a whole different story. If I tell you he might have SPD because he won't swallow raw carrots, OK no big deal, but if I also explain that he can't tolerate bright sun and loud noises and shuts down completely if we are outside near a highway, it takes on a whole new meaning. So I think it goes both ways -- many people don't understand what you're going through, but you don't necessarily get what they're going through either, you know?? This is part of what prompted me to start this post, that I was feeling that same sense of judging that I complained about others doing. Not saying you are judging, but that I am struggling not to at times.

(And this is not to discredit everything you just said, because I do know there are people out there who think their kids have SPD just because they won't eat broccoli, and it is infuriating.)


 

post #112 of 208
This thread has been so interesting. I have my own way of thinking of "high needs" and "spirited" and hadn't realized these were so controversial.

I think high needs is a certain combination of temperament and general sensitivity, that leads to Dr Sears' criteria. My first was that way as a baby, wouldn't sleep, constant inconsolable crying (kept bringing her to the doctor thinking something was wrong, it was so intense), needed to nurse 24/7, wouldn't let me put her down, even when she was asleep she had to be touching me--there was just no break. I remember her sleeping a foot away and having one leg stretched out to rest against my leg. If I tried to get up or roll over, it was like a car alarm went off in the bed next to me! Naps were all taken on top of me. I wore or carried her around constantly. When I found out I was having twins, I was terrified I'd end up with 2 more and I wasn't sure I'd survive! wink1.gif DD is now just 5 and continues to be very passionate, emotional, sensitive, and...awake. Her friends love her passion and creativity, and tend to give her the lead when they're playing because of it. I don't really think of her as "high needs" anymore, but she's extremely sensitive.

I can see how having a disorder like autism or SPD could create the same list of experiences as Dr Sears' 12 traits, but I would still consider those kids "special needs" instead of "high needs." In the beginning though, how would you know the difference? Maybe just in retrospect. Also, I have 2 other highly sensitive children and neither were high needs. "Highly sensitive" is another label some people don't believe in and others overuse, but it has its own set of criteria and is very real--and not SPD or caused by "spoiling."

Sprited...now I consider kids who are very intense to be spirited. I know a couple of them. They're emotions are intense, they jump into everything headfirst, they require extra amounts of patience and skill to discipline. I don't consider them brats, more like very driven internally. The ones I know also were not high needs babies.


crunchymommy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm really glad you are going ahead with the EI evaluation. You don't necessarily need a "delay" to get services, so try not to worry about that. If anything, this will allow you to rule out a disorder or else give you more information and support going forward. I hope you update after the evaluation, I'm thinking positively for you to get some sort of answer or guidance.
post #113 of 208

I actually looked at Dr. Sears criteria - finally. DD1 fit all of them, except for not being able to put her down. When she wanted to be held, she was going to be held...but there were times when she wanted to be put down NOW and made no bones about it. I also don't recall her being unusually separation sensitive, but it's hard to say, because she was melting down so much at that time, and I was pretty much always around, anyway, so I may not have picked up on it. And, she always wanted to nurse, but also acted like my breastmilk contained amphetamines or something. It wans't a soothing sort of process for either of us.

 

DS2, otoh...he's high needs (well, probably special needs) these days, but I don't think he fit any of those criteria as a baby...relaxed, easy going, STTN the day he was born (got woken up by the nurses to breastfeed, actually, which drove me nuts), nursed a lot, but more by having long, long feeds than eating super frequently. He was just...easy.

post #114 of 208

I voted for yes, but over-used too.

post #115 of 208

I would wonder in what way they meant that the child was high needs---does the child appear to need more attention than other kids that the parent is seeing? Do they need more help with independence stuff like getting dressed? More emotional outbursts?

 

What bothers me is how vague the term is.

post #116 of 208

YK, I was just thinking about this.  I doubt that many parents of actual 'high needs' kids (if we're going by Dr. Sears' definition) would claim to know what it felt like to be a mom of a SN kid (unless their kid was also SN on top of HN) but we might have a bit more sympathy/empathy.  Particularly if the SN or HN aren't immediately obvious, or are fairly easily attributed by strangers to 'brattiness' or 'poor parenting'.

 

I have an infinite amount of sympathy for SN moms - it's a hard, gruelling and often thankless task, and rarely do you have the hope (as you might with HN) that your kids will 'grow out of it'.  But, as the mother of 2 HN kids, I have often felt it unfair that I was being judged by the same standards as other moms of 'normal' babies.  I have had my share of poor parenting moments in public, but when you're trying to deal with a 3 year old who has violent melt-downs numerous times a day over things like 'the sun is shining and I wanted it to rain' and a baby who wakes every 20-40 minutes all night long so that you're hallucinating and suicidal with the lack of sleep (to mention only 2 of the issues I was dealing with) it hurts to know that you're being held up for comparison against moms whose babies wake once or twice a night and whose toddlers create the occasional fuss over getting the wrong colour cup - and who also have friends and family nearby who they can meet, talk to, drop the kids off with every once in a while...

 

I generally don't mention either DD's HN to anyone else, except friends and family who've seen it and know what I'm talking about.  But I guess that at least some of the motivation behind people telling others that their kids are HN is that they're trying to express that they're not playing on a level playing field.  It's infinitely easier to have patience with tantrums, to take the kids on outings, bake with them and so on - all the things that 'good' moms do - when you're getting at least the bare minimum of sleep for sanity, for example.  Compare a well-rested mom with the severely sleep-deprived version of herself and you will see a radical difference in her abilities as a parent.  (Ask me how I know!!)  Compare a mom who's constantly on edge trying to avert/prevent/deal with/contain/control her toddler's multiple, violent outbursts with a mom whose toddler is generally quite well-behaved except for the occasional melt-down when over-tired or hungry - it's like trying to compare apples and oranges.  Yet, we all do it.  We make judgements about others based on snapshots, or small pieces of information about their lives, and frequently decide that they don't measure up.

 

Saying that your child is HN is likely a plea for lenience in that judgement.  It might be a way to try to express that things in that parent's life are different from the 'ideal norm' which we tend to visualise when passing judgement on people.  I very rarely make judgements about other parents any more, because having two HN kids has completely humbled me and taught me that you can never *really* know what's going on in other people's lives to cause them to make the decisions they do, or to react the way they do.  Maybe it's not so much that the child is HN than that the parent is having a hard time meeting those needs for a whole host of potential reasons, but either way - the result is pretty much the same.

post #117 of 208

One of the hard things about having a high needs child is when the breastfeeding, cosleeping, and carrying is blamed. I was a huge promoter and supporter of those things, and look what happened when I did them with my baby! Just reinforced the outer families opinions on them! It didn't matter that I did the same thing with my first two and they were "easy" babies. You can't get it through to someone that you do those things so much with that child because you *have* to. That kind of life was not what I had expected or wanted. I didn't want to be tied down for the first year of her life. I didn't mention in my first post how it was to ride in the car with her. She literally screamed the entire time unless I sat there with my nipple in her mouth. I rarely went anywhere without my husband because I couldn't drive hearing the screaming and choking. I can't imagine what would have happened had I gone to work! She couldn't stay with her own grandmother she frequently saw without screaming. I never imagined a baby could be like that without there being something wrong. The other grandmother was scared to babysit, and didn't again until my daughter was about 6 or 7! I did NOT do this to my child, I did NOT make her that way, this is REAL. I had two babies 17 months apart, and this time they will be 9 years apart because the fear of having another high-needs baby was too great. I can still remember in the middle of the night telling my husband, "I will NEVER have another baby, this is hell and I could not do this again. I'm DONE." People thought having two babies together was bad...that was nothing compared to my #3 LOL

 

And reading what I wrote, it sounds like I'm a bad mother...I love my children, I love my high-needs child. It took a year to get pregnant with her, I didn't want anything more than her. I still love her, and I loved her through all that. It was just a very dark time for me, sleep-deprived, it drained me and in fact there were nights I was scared to sleep in case I sleepwalked and hurt her for crying and waking up. The first night she slept all night, at 16 months, I woke up the next morning and ran to her, thinking something happened to her. That night started my road to freedom...I was able to go grocery shopping at the 24/7 grocery after she went to bed at night. My husband was even able to get her to go to bed without keeping my breast home with him so I could meet a friend for dinner!

post #118 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

I had two babies 17 months apart, and this time they will be 9 years apart because the fear of having another high-needs baby was too great. I can still remember in the middle of the night telling my husband, "I will NEVER have another baby, this is hell and I could not do this again. I'm DONE." p>


Yeah I get this. After my oldest, who is my high needs kid, I swore I'd never have another baby. I just didn't think I could survive it again. We were finally ready to have another one . . . after 7 years! Luckily the little one is an easy child. If I'd had her first I might not have understood this issue, and I might have thought her temperament was due to my amazing parenting skillz. Lol. My kids were raised just the same, ebf, cosleeping, worn in slings, all that stuff, and yet they were and are completely different. We only have so much control.
post #119 of 208


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

One of the hard things about having a high needs child is when the breastfeeding, cosleeping, and carrying is blamed. I was a huge promoter and supporter of those things, and look what happened when I did them with my baby! Just reinforced the outer families opinions on them! It didn't matter that I did the same thing with my first two and they were "easy" babies. You can't get it through to someone that you do those things so much with that child because you *have* to. That kind of life was not what I had expected or wanted. I didn't want to be tied down for the first year of her life. I didn't mention in my first post how it was to ride in the car with her. She literally screamed the entire time unless I sat there with my nipple in her mouth.



We've had almost identical experiences.  I can't tell you how many times DD's behavior got blamed on cosleeping and breastfeeding.  It was incredibly frustrating because part of my family is very mainstream and I constantly had to hear how we were making her behavior worse.  mischievous.gif Add to that that DD is an entirely different kid when I'm not around so than they had "proof" that it was all me.  Here's the thing, though, DD is now weaned (but still co-sleeps) and her behaviors have just shifted to other areas.  She's not demanding to nurse all the time but she's eating soap, trying to suck on shampoo, biting people, her toes, and toys when she never did that before!  Oh, and car rides used to just be her screaming until she threw up.  One ride that we had I was shocked about how many times a kid could throw up in one ride.... greensad.gif DH doesn't have a license so the nipple in her mouth wouldn't have been that easy! lol.gif

post #120 of 208

The thing is this: from a professional POV they are more likily to intervene with a family who is not treating a condition such as reflux then they are someone who is treating the issue with medical supervision,

 

The issue becomes when the parents want to diverge from the common treatments and into more holistic treatments.

 

Anyways, that my professional POV on the issue.

 

It DOES feel like our DD's doctors are in our parenting relationships. Her nurses came eevryday at any hour, some stayed overnight. We had very little privacy in our parenting b/c of all her therapists.

 

Reflux isnt like that. They do a few tests and then hand you the rx for meds. If its really severe they may recommand surgery.

 

However, the damage that reflux can do to a childs lungs and throat are serious and life threatening at times. Such as stopping breathing or airway obstructions and throat damage. So it IS worth having the drs in your life for a short period of time until its sorted out.

 

 

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