or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"? - Page 10

Poll Results: What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"?

This is a multiple choice poll
  • 21% (87)
    Yup, I feel for you, so is mine.
  • 3% (15)
    You haven't seen high needs 'til you spent a day with my kid!
  • 6% (25)
    All babies are high needs.
  • 0% (3)
    There's no such thing as high needs.
  • 16% (69)
    That must be so tough!
  • 1% (8)
    My kids are easy because I practice AP with them.
  • 3% (16)
    The parent(s) just need to ____ (set some boundaries and limits, try a routine or schedule, etc.)
  • 41% (169)
    Some kids are high needs but the term seems to be really over-used/incorrectly used.
  • 4% (17)
    Other (explain)
409 Total Votes  
post #181 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

I'm kind of astonished to read this from a parent of more than one child, I'll be honest. I've only had one that wouldn't sleep unless I was holding or touching her. I've had two who would sleep for long stretches from a very early age. I've only had one that cried anything close to "all the time".

 

I honestly think the "all babies are high needs" response is really dismissive of people who are struggling with unusually high needs (or "high maintenance") children.

clap.gif
 

 

post #182 of 208
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185 View Post

OP, I hope you get some answers from EI. I have followed a lot of your posts on here, and I am so glad you have decided to seek out some help. You are such an amazing mama to have endured for so long the things you have had to deal with. Your son is so lucky to have you, and I so hope you get some answers from EI to help you better understand your son, and hopefully find some ways to help him cope better. ((*HUGS*))


Thanks so much for the support!! We did have the EI eval and he has started having appointments with the EI specialist & OT (only had 1 appt so far so no idea if it will help yet!) I think he's also turning a corner, I have seen so many improvements in him over the past month or so. It's so exciting to see him sometimes acting like a more 'typical' toddler (even when it ultimately creates MORE work for me). He is sleeping so much better and nursing far less and playing better... it's just amazing. I don't know if he's outgrowing his issues or we're just in a better phase right now, but I'm not complaining!! Lots of things are still struggles but much less so than just a few months ago.

One thing I've realized, though, is that his first ~2 years have completely traumatized me. All my muscles are permanently clenched, waiting for the next meltdown. I still wake up every hour or so all night long, like my body can't relax and realize he will sleep, and I grind my teeth in my sleep. Whenever DH is home to help, I find myself withdrawing into a book or MDC the minute DS whimpers, because I just can't cope with any more crying. DS and I have a close bond but I am so often completely touched out... I love that kid to death but it is just so, so hard for me to truly enjoy my time with him.

It's still hard to read some of the 'all babies are high needs' responses. I expected my baby to be a lot of work. I knew he'd need to nurse every 1-3 hours. I knew he wouldn't sleep through the night. I knew he'd want to be held all the time. I knew he'd spit up a bit. I knew I might spend my nights pacing around or rocking him. I didn't know that many days he'd nurse non-stop for 24 hours straight, even at 2 years old. I didn't know I'd never ever be able to leave him alone while he slept. I didn't know even my DH wouldn't be able to hold him while I ran to the bathroom. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to drive anywhere with him. I didn't know that no amount of rocking, singing, swaddling, bouncing, and loving would calm him down, that more than 20 of 24 hours would be filled with crying, that he would sleep only in 20-minute increments... I had seen lots of babies (and have seen many since) but have yet to see a baby like DS. It breaks my heart. I put EVERYTHING into being my son's mother. EVERYTHING. I left my office to work from home. I nursed him on demand, even if we topped 30 times a day and I was writhing in pain. I gently soothed him to sleep every 20mins all night long. I let him come to the bathroom with me, have perfected peeing while holding or nursing, have never left his side for more than an hour or two, and not at all for his first year+. I spend hours and hours reading and researching how to be the best mom I can be for him, how to help him with his sensory issues, how to keep him from withdrawing. I have put my heart, mind, body, and soul into this, and it's STILL not enough. It's hard for me to believe all babies are like this, because if they were, our species would cease to exist.
post #183 of 208

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185 View Post

OP, I hope you get some answers from EI. I have followed a lot of your posts on here, and I am so glad you have decided to seek out some help. You are such an amazing mama to have endured for so long the things you have had to deal with. Your son is so lucky to have you, and I so hope you get some answers from EI to help you better understand your son, and hopefully find some ways to help him cope better. ((*HUGS*))




Thanks so much for the support!! We did have the EI eval and he has started having appointments with the EI specialist & OT (only had 1 appt so far so no idea if it will help yet!) I think he's also turning a corner, I have seen so many improvements in him over the past month or so. It's so exciting to see him sometimes acting like a more 'typical' toddler (even when it ultimately creates MORE work for me). He is sleeping so much better and nursing far less and playing better... it's just amazing. I don't know if he's outgrowing his issues or we're just in a better phase right now, but I'm not complaining!! Lots of things are still struggles but much less so than just a few months ago.

One thing I've realized, though, is that his first ~2 years have completely traumatized me. All my muscles are permanently clenched, waiting for the next meltdown. I still wake up every hour or so all night long, like my body can't relax and realize he will sleep, and I grind my teeth in my sleep. Whenever DH is home to help, I find myself withdrawing into a book or MDC the minute DS whimpers, because I just can't cope with any more crying. DS and I have a close bond but I am so often completely touched out... I love that kid to death but it is just so, so hard for me to truly enjoy my time with him.

It's still hard to read some of the 'all babies are high needs' responses. I expected my baby to be a lot of work. I knew he'd need to nurse every 1-3 hours. I knew he wouldn't sleep through the night. I knew he'd want to be held all the time. I knew he'd spit up a bit. I knew I might spend my nights pacing around or rocking him. I didn't know that many days he'd nurse non-stop for 24 hours straight, even at 2 years old. I didn't know I'd never ever be able to leave him alone while he slept. I didn't know even my DH wouldn't be able to hold him while I ran to the bathroom. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to drive anywhere with him. I didn't know that no amount of rocking, singing, swaddling, bouncing, and loving would calm him down, that more than 20 of 24 hours would be filled with crying, that he would sleep only in 20-minute increments... I had seen lots of babies (and have seen many since) but have yet to see a baby like DS. It breaks my heart. I put EVERYTHING into being my son's mother. EVERYTHING. I left my office to work from home. I nursed him on demand, even if we topped 30 times a day and I was writhing in pain. I gently soothed him to sleep every 20mins all night long. I let him come to the bathroom with me, have perfected peeing while holding or nursing, have never left his side for more than an hour or two, and not at all for his first year+. I spend hours and hours reading and researching how to be the best mom I can be for him, how to help him with his sensory issues, how to keep him from withdrawing. I have put my heart, mind, body, and soul into this, and it's STILL not enough. It's hard for me to believe all babies are like this, because if they were, our species would cease to exist.

 

(hugs)

 

I am glad that things seem to be looking up.

 

I have a similar experience with the fear that they're going to wake up crying AGAIN!  When ds makes any kind of noise in the night I find myself wide awake, holding my breath, and clenching my muscles -- I have to make myself breathe and let my shoulders relax.

 

I have two who had horrible tummy issues/colic as babies (dd until 7 months and ds until 4 months) and they both have been really bad sleepers.

 

I have lots of friends who have children.  Most all of them have been sleep deprived with young babies and many of them with toddlers, but I don't think any of them have had it worse than I have, and certainly not what you describe with your lo.

 

I am taking your last paragraph as somewhat of a vent/reaction to other posters, but I just want to encourage you to take care of yourself.  At two years old, your child can begin to learn to function without you sometimes even if he is high needs.  A 2yo crying outside the bathroom door while you pee alone is very different from a tiny baby crying alone while you pee.  I would strongly encourage you to get the help you need to take a nap, take a walk, have coffee with a friend, etc.  You have given so much to your child, don't forget to take care of yourself so you can continue to be there for him as he grows up.

 

 

post #184 of 208

CM - I went through a similar thing with my son as far as not being able to relax/sleep well.  I really HAD to learn to get out without him.  At least one night a month and then a couple of hours on the weekend.  It was also around that age that we started to transition him out of our bed (he's almost 5 and just left fully.. so it was a slow thing).  But really getting AWAY for long periods (I even left for a couple of weekends) was how I built myself back up.

 

DS was not really HN's.  It was more my own issue.  

post #185 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnygir1 View Post

I am taking your last paragraph as somewhat of a vent/reaction to other posters, but I just want to encourage you to take care of yourself.  At two years old, your child can begin to learn to function without you sometimes even if he is high needs.  A 2yo crying outside the bathroom door while you pee alone is very different from a tiny baby crying alone while you pee.  I would strongly encourage you to get the help you need to take a nap, take a walk, have coffee with a friend, etc.  You have given so much to your child, don't forget to take care of yourself so you can continue to be there for him as he grows up.

 

 


I didn't even pick up on that.  You're not still holding him while you pee, are you?  Honestly that kind of anxiety can be self-fulfilling/reciprocal.  I do think that getting a team of people to help you guys will really put things in perspective for everyone.    

 

post #186 of 208
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by D_McG View Post




I didn't even pick up on that.  You're not still holding him while you pee, are you?  Honestly that kind of anxiety can be self-fulfilling/reciprocal.  I do think that getting a team of people to help you guys will really put things in perspective for everyone.    

 


No, I was describing/venting about the first 2 years or so. Around 18mos we were able to start introducing some limits and again around 2yo he was really receptive to some more gentle changes. Yeah, he does still follow me to the bathroom, but I'm not holding him while I pee anymore (well, usually!), and sometimes he just has to cry while DH takes him in the other room so I can go in peace! In many ways I feel like we're about a year behind with things like that but it's fine, it's improving, slowly but surely. I do get some time to myself (especially since DH is laid off now!) and I do go out alone a bit. I don't think DS is ready for me to just take off for a whole day or a weekend but I'm totally OK with that. It's hard to strike the right balance because what is OK for some 2yo's is not OK for DS and sometimes I just want to keep the peace at all costs (due to the aforementioned trauma of soooo much crying etc. and sometimes it's hard to remember we're not *there* anymore, that things really are better) but for the most part I am able to get my needs met and I actually eat three meals a day now and spend a little time cleaning the house and all those things I wasn't able to do not so long ago!! smile.gif
post #187 of 208

crunchy all i can say is hug2.gif i can so relate to your post.

 

the only reason, the only reason why i didnt go stark raving mad was because of two reasons. 1. there is mental illness on both sides of the family. my bro committed suicide. my then dh was a tormented man. he had been like dd (not to that extreme) and had suffered because his mom - a single mother of 4 could not give him the attention he wanted. i didnt want the same for dd. i would walk thru fire if i had to - and i felt i did. my dd didnt just cry. she'd throw up from crying so hard. and sometimes start choking. 2. i had to work. HAD TO. did not have a choice. i cried and cried at work as then dh watched dd. BUT it was a break from her. and there were moments when i HAD to concentrate on work. i worked part time. 

 

strangers or even my friends - people with many children, single moms with 4 close aged children and special needs kid - when they felt bad for you, when they said my work was harder than theirs - then you really get a sense of wow that's really hard.

 

when you meet another mom with a HNs child - oh i cant describe the moment. when we compared notes. felt like i met another long lost sister. there was like an instant bonding on a different level even though we really didnt have anything in common.  

 

 

post #188 of 208

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

 but for the most part I am able to get my needs met and I actually eat three meals a day now and spend a little time cleaning the house and all those things I wasn't able to do not so long ago!! smile.gif

you know my mil called me and made me promise - she made me promise that i would do whatever it took to eat my meal in half an hour. not 3 hours. she made a list of foods to cook so that it did not involve using a knife to cut. 

 

i remember the relief of the first time i could go poop without holding a child. she'd be happy to sit in the bathroom. i was a pro at holding while peeing and it was no big deal. 

 

however i will say for me the first two years - while hard physically - was not the hard part. it was the later part. the gut wrenching questions. i mean i still didnt get my alone time in the bathroom (ex was having a hard time with marriage so from the day dd came home he would stay out for most of the day coming home to sleep). when i'd go to the bathroom and i'd see her pull out the stool to sit down i'd clench inside. it was one of those questions. yeah we had all our philosophical questions about god, reincarnation (i didnt intro the thought she did), sex, giving birth, etc all happened in the bathroom with me on the potty.

 

its not really high needs (i think) but her pain - how intensely she feels things - that truly has been hard for me.  

 

post #189 of 208

I have an experiment for anyone who is still feeling like "high needs" is an exaggeration or just not understanding what babies need.

 

Record your baby crying making sure to include at least some of their "this needs to be fixed NOW" crying.

Get something about the same weight as your baby.

Have a friend call you at random intervals between 20minutes and 40minutes apart.

Have the friend use an online number generator to get a number between 10 and 30

 

Then put the recording on repeat and listen to it on headphones.

Every time you aren't holding your baby, pick up the weight that's the same as your baby. Recreate the experience of a baby who will not tolerate a sling by not using your sling even if your baby does like the sling.

When your friend calls, stop everything (except caring for your own baby) and sit in a chair either nursing your baby or holding the baby-weight object for at least 10 minutes. Every three times, go ahead and turn off the baby crying tape.

 

Your friend should track how many times they've called. When they reach the number they generated, they should let you know to stop the experiment.

 

 

And then realize that your day was easy.

 

(And if that does sound like an easy day, maybe your baby is high needs and you need to be easier on yourself and everyone else.)

post #190 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post

 

When your friend calls, stop everything (except caring for your own baby) and sit in a chair either nursing your baby or holding the baby-weight object for at least 10 minutes. Every three times, go ahead and turn off the baby crying tape.


What?  I get to SIT.  No way, lol.

 

CM, I have had 2 really hard babies.  My first one was hard, but I didn't realize it until later.  It was just she and I and I could give her everything, and so we were okay.  She learned to talk very very young, and so then she could articulate her needs, and that helped a lot.  She still is very emotionally intense, and has a lot of separation anxiety, but she's okay.  I don't know that she was actually high needs, though.  I think maybe "asperger tendancies" might be a better explaination. 

 

My second one.  Sigh.  He is 4 tomorrow, and I still feel all sick inside when I think about his infancy.  He screamed until he was 2, a lot.  He would have good happy times, but he was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  You never knew when it would be all over.  I couldn't walk down my driveway without him being hysterical.  All the people who say that "you should just put them down, you need to take care of you..."  Well, what would you do if you saw someone writhing in agony on the side of the road.  A really intense, tough situation.  You'd STOP, and do whatever it took to care for that person, right?  Even if it meant you had to go without for yourself for a day or so, right?  Well, that's the kind of intensity that we are talking about.  Except, the intensity never goes away, and some of us don't have people to help us.  Some of us had to do it on our own.  When your baby is crying hysterically, you don't just "put them down so you can eat supper."  And, even if you do...do you know that tapes of such things are played to TORTURE people, to create high stress environments?  It's not like your blood pressure calms down, or you get any mental clarity when trying to "take a break and relax" while your infant or small child is sounding like the are being poked repeatedly with a pin or something much worse.  Ds would push me, he'd throw himself.  I was weak and dizzy from exhaustion.  I couldn't eat wheat, but I couldn't put him down to cook.  So, I lost a lot of weight quickly.  There were no snacks I could have easily.  I was also caring for my then 2yo dd.  It was awful.

 

And, OP...yours sounds much harder.  No, people don't understand.  They don't understand that there is a problem with your child.  If someone had a child who was 5 and wasn't potty trained yet, lots of people might have harsh things to say.  But, if that child had a problem with their kidneys...people would shut up. 

 

Well, my ds had a lot of issues going on.  I am SO thankful that we were able to figure them out.  But, it wasn't my fault he had them.  And it was RIGHT to be compassionate and give myself to an itty bitty person who was hurting.  And it's isn't someone's fault if they can't figure it out either. 

 

OP, you are getting help for you son.  You have given yourself to him.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself that most people would have lost their minds by now.  Tell yourself how awesome you are.  Tell yourself you have what it takes.  You are amazing.  You are his mama.  And he will always thank you for it.

post #191 of 208

I think all parents can understand putting your own needs aside to care for your children -- we've all done it.  And some of us have had to do it a lot more than others.

 

But I stand by my comment that at some point you have to take care of yourself even if it means your child has to cry (even hysterically) while you do it.  It does not serve a child for the mother to make herself ill by not meeting her own basic needs.  And I think this really comes into play when the child reaches toddlerhood, and especially if the mama has a second child.  My ds sometimes had to cry at my feet in the kitchen while I talked and sang to him and tried to stay calm so that I could prepare a quick gluten-free meal for us.  Sometimes he was completely hysterical, and I usually couldn't make it through more than a couple of minutes without crying, and I would make the quickest meal possible so I could hold/nurse/rock/bounce/carry ds again.  Breastfeeding a 1yo child without eating and drinking is a very bad idea that can have lasting consequences for your health.  I really think that after a year of giving up everything for your child it is time to gradually start taking some of it back, bit by bit.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1More View Post




What?  I get to SIT.  No way, lol.

 

CM, I have had 2 really hard babies.  My first one was hard, but I didn't realize it until later.  It was just she and I and I could give her everything, and so we were okay.  She learned to talk very very young, and so then she could articulate her needs, and that helped a lot.  She still is very emotionally intense, and has a lot of separation anxiety, but she's okay.  I don't know that she was actually high needs, though.  I think maybe "asperger tendancies" might be a better explaination. 

 

My second one.  Sigh.  He is 4 tomorrow, and I still feel all sick inside when I think about his infancy.  He screamed until he was 2, a lot.  He would have good happy times, but he was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  You never knew when it would be all over.  I couldn't walk down my driveway without him being hysterical.  All the people who say that "you should just put them down, you need to take care of you..."  Well, what would you do if you saw someone writhing in agony on the side of the road.  A really intense, tough situation.  You'd STOP, and do whatever it took to care for that person, right?  Even if it meant you had to go without for yourself for a day or so, right?  Well, that's the kind of intensity that we are talking about.  Except, the intensity never goes away, and some of us don't have people to help us.  Some of us had to do it on our own.  When your baby is crying hysterically, you don't just "put them down so you can eat supper."  And, even if you do...do you know that tapes of such things are played to TORTURE people, to create high stress environments?  It's not like your blood pressure calms down, or you get any mental clarity when trying to "take a break and relax" while your infant or small child is sounding like the are being poked repeatedly with a pin or something much worse.  Ds would push me, he'd throw himself.  I was weak and dizzy from exhaustion.  I couldn't eat wheat, but I couldn't put him down to cook.  So, I lost a lot of weight quickly.  There were no snacks I could have easily.  I was also caring for my then 2yo dd.  It was awful.

 

And, OP...yours sounds much harder.  No, people don't understand.  They don't understand that there is a problem with your child.  If someone had a child who was 5 and wasn't potty trained yet, lots of people might have harsh things to say.  But, if that child had a problem with their kidneys...people would shut up. 

 

Well, my ds had a lot of issues going on.  I am SO thankful that we were able to figure them out.  But, it wasn't my fault he had them.  And it was RIGHT to be compassionate and give myself to an itty bitty person who was hurting.  And it's isn't someone's fault if they can't figure it out either. 

 

OP, you are getting help for you son.  You have given yourself to him.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself that most people would have lost their minds by now.  Tell yourself how awesome you are.  Tell yourself you have what it takes.  You are amazing.  You are his mama.  And he will always thank you for it.


Agreed, you are awesome, and your child is lucky to have you!  And although we all have ideas and thoughts based on the limited information we've learned from this thread, YOU are the one who knows your child and knows yourself and will make the best decisions you can to care for your family.

 

post #192 of 208
My husband and I took turns eating in those days. Just setting them down and letting them cry while you eat doesn't work if hearing them scream hysterically makes you unable to relax enough to digest food.
post #193 of 208
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

My husband and I took turns eating in those days. Just setting them down and letting them cry while you eat doesn't work if hearing them scream hysterically makes you unable to relax enough to digest food.

That was my problem.

I have trouble eating to begin with (maybe due to a previous eating disorder, or maybe I'm just weird, I don't know, but I can't eat when I'm too tense/anxious)... I also can't eat while nursing, for some strange reason -- I just can't swallow the food lol.

I get what some of you are saying but I agree with the pp who said it's like watching while someone writhes in pain on the side of the road -- it would be inhumane to not stop everything and make helping them your priority. Trust me, the minute the screaming switched to more normal fussiness/crying I did take advantage of it to quickly make myself food or take a shower, but we were just in crisis mode for pretty much the whole first year and then some so it just wasn't always possible.

Sapphire_chan, I LOL'ed at your 'experiment'.

I appreciate the encouraging, uplifting words and I also appreciate the many different perspectives in this thread (even the ones that hurt to read!) I started this a good month or two ago & didn't expect to get so many responses & hear so many experiences. It's great to know some people can relate or at least understand a bit what it's like, and it was this thread that finally got me to call EI (oh how I wish I'd called sooner!!) I hope those that don't really understand the term 'high needs' don't ever get the CHANCE to understand it, because I would not wish this on anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm nuts, and this thread has provided some much-needed validation. Sometimes I convince myself it's all my fault, and you all have shown me that it's not. I am so glad I found MDC when I did because many of you have gotten me through our hardest times. grouphug.gif
post #194 of 208

sunnygir1 - i get what you are saying. its what i heard from my mil too. 

 

letting your child cry at ur feet is one thing if all ur child did was cry. 

 

in high needs world cry is the cue for mom to drop anything. at least for my child. it is 'that' cry. the cry that will make them throw up and choke. the crying that takes them to a whole new place (i think quaz mentioned that in an earlier post) from which they struggle to come back. in that moment they are sowrapped in their 'whatever emotion' and crying that they cannot recognise mom is right there, i may be holding her or  talking to her but she cannot see me. they sometimes are so spent with crying that they just collapse. its a scary place for a mom to be. 

 

so heck at the cost of my own food or rest i will make sure my dd doesnt hit that place unless i just have no choice. 

 

the thing is we moms all survive. we have found ways in between to make it work. for me since i couldnt leave her sleeping alone coz she'd wake up - i'd stay in bed with her and try to rest. i mean i never did coz my house was trashed and i felt so guilty that i have all this free time in my hand. but i could never sleep.

 

so here dd is almost 9. she's been sleeping thru the night since she was 3 1/2. and yes she does sleep thru the night.

 

me - i have never been able to sleep thru the night any more. 

 

even today whenever i hear a child cry i want to run to it. always, always a flashback. for me it was never dd's crying that got me. i have held her and have her cry on me for 5 hours straight. its that special crying (that i cant predict) that makes her so hysterical that she would cry 'i want my mama' i want my mama - even while sitting on my lap and me talking to her. its like she cant see me she was so wrapped in that emotion. 

post #195 of 208


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post





I'm kind of astonished to read this from a parent of more than one child, I'll be honest. I've only had one that wouldn't sleep unless I was holding or touching her. I've had two who would sleep for long stretches from a very early age. I've only had one that cried anything close to "all the time".

 

I honestly think the "all babies are high needs" response is really dismissive of people who are struggling with unusually high needs (or "high maintenance") children.


maybe my point of reference is all high needs babies?  I don't know...

I just look back and think that there are times when all of my babies were really hard, and learning what works for them, what their personalities are, etc. can take a long time...

 

My oldest was hyper sensitive to noise, stimuli, and constantly going.  Wouldn't sleep for very long at all.  Woke every 2 hours.  Blah blah blah.

 

My second son was super intense for different reasons, my 3rd was dairy/soy intolerant and was very sensitive (ie colicy) to foods, and my 4th crawled at 4 months old, walked at 8.... that was really intense, too.  Doesn't really sleep without me holding him.... I'm not judging, I am just commenting.  I think it has a lot to do with the personality of the parent, as well...

 

And I guess I'm wondering why someone would ask the question if they don't want the answer? 

 

I guess what I have observed is a lot of parents who think that a baby won't change their life, and they'll be able to do on living like they did before baby.  And they are in for a rude awakening... and suddenly their baby isn't a normal baby but 'high needs'.  That's what I'm talking about, if it isn't the situation, then that isn't the situation. 

post #196 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by carmel23 View Post


 


maybe my point of reference is all high needs babies?  I don't know...

I just look back and think that there are times when all of my babies were really hard, and learning what works for them, what their personalities are, etc. can take a long time...

 

My oldest was hyper sensitive to noise, stimuli, and constantly going.  Wouldn't sleep for very long at all.  Woke every 2 hours.  Blah blah blah.

 

My second son was super intense for different reasons, my 3rd was dairy/soy intolerant and was very sensitive (ie colicy) to foods, and my 4th crawled at 4 months old, walked at 8.... that was really intense, too.  Doesn't really sleep without me holding him.... I'm not judging, I am just commenting.  I think it has a lot to do with the personality of the parent, as well...

 

And I guess I'm wondering why someone would ask the question if they don't want the answer? 

 

I guess what I have observed is a lot of parents who think that a baby won't change their life, and they'll be able to do on living like they did before baby.  And they are in for a rude awakening... and suddenly their baby isn't a normal baby but 'high needs'.  That's what I'm talking about, if it isn't the situation, then that isn't the situation. 


I guess I just don't understand why you'd assume that the person in the situation is mistaken, and the person outside the situation is right. I've had people tell me that ds2 doesn't seem to have any special needs - he's just "all boy" (whatever the eff that's supposed to mean). I've had them dismiss his meltdowns as "that's the way kids are", "he just needs more discipline", etc. But, you know...they're not living with him, and they don't see the disconnects in his head that I see. They don't actually see the meltdowns when he tries to strangle me, because I won't let him stay at a playdate that he's not invited to (dd1's friend) and tries to smash things in the other person's house over it. They don't see his near-total inability to match up an action and consequence, even a totally natural one (OMG - disciplining this child is a nightmare!). When dd1 was screaming non-stop for 3+ hours every night, and doing her incredibly squirrelly nursing thing (I can't even describe it, but it was wild), and refusing to sleep anywhere near me, other people didn't see that - they just assumed I was doing something wrong. But, they assume that they know my situation better than I do. I see it all the time with parenting, and it's whacked.


I think most kids are really hard at times. DS2 was the easiest baby in the universe, and I felt like I was cheating - and he's been hell on wheels ever since he turned about 1.5 or two. But, there are also babies who are hard all the time (dd1 was the closest for me).  They just simply do not stop needing you, and it's not in a way that can be effectively addressed.

 

I don't think I've had a true high needs baby (as I say, dd1 was the closest), but that doesn't mean it was easy to parent them all, or that I didn't have sleep deprivation, or have to wake up every two hours, or spend entire days with a baby either on my back or in my arms, or have to go pee with a baby or any of that. Those things come with perfectly normal  babies (and then are the low needs babies, who do let you get a break). I just think it's obvious that people, including babies, come with a wide variety of temperaments and personalities, and dismissing someone's description of their own experience with their own baby strikes me as odd. I've had a low needs baby, and two "normal" needs babies, and one borderline high needs baby (who is still very sensitive and volatile, but has grown into a lovely eight year old). From the outside, I suspect none of them looked like what they were, except maybe ds2. I had people routinely state that ds1 had ADHD, because of his energy level and constant motion and chatting. DD1 tended to come across fairly calmly in public, especially if we were hiking and dh had her in the Snugli (not if I did - she'd go ape). DS2 came across as an easygoing, laidback baby, which he was. Of course, to a lot of people, he still comes across that way...and he's not.

 

I'm rambling...I just don't understand why anyone would dismiss someone's assertion that they have a high needs baby with "all babies are high needs". It just seems really offensive.

post #197 of 208

I'm not assuming anything. I merely responding to a poll on a message board.  I don't know you and am not "judging" you.  I was merely stating an observation that I think the term is over used.  Parenting is very difficult, and I don't think that some babies are "normal." Sure some babies probably fit the label, but others probably don't.  But if it makes the parent feel better about themselves, that is great.  Some people need that kind of security. 

 

to quote Dr. Sears:

 

"In some ways all babies are high need babies, and most babies have high needs in at least one area of their life. Some have more high need areas than others."

 

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

 

and then he states:

 

"The neediness of the baby is often in the mind of the parent. Some experienced parents of children have widened their expectations of what babies are "normally" like, and they adapt more easily to a baby with high needs; new parents often are not so realistic."

 

This is all that I am saying, that based on my experience, some people (often first time parents) think that their child is really challenging, when in reality, they don't really know what babies are "normally" like.  Other peoples babies always seem easier to us because we don't care for them like we do our own. 

 

I guess I find it odd that people will ask a question on a public forum, and then assume that someone is judging their individual circumstances based on the response.  I am responding the to question and the times in real life that I have heard the term applied. Again, I stated, if that isn't your situation, then it isn't your situation (i.e. it does not apply to you).

post #198 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by carmel23 View Post

I'm not assuming anything. I merely responding to a poll on a message board.  <snip> 

I was merely stating an observation that I think the term is over used.

 

You answered that if someone says their baby is high needs, you think "aren't all babies high needs?". That means you're assuming they don't legitimately have a high needs baby. Actually, it sounds as though you don't even believe such babies exist.

 

I don't know you and am not "judging" you.

 

I'm quite sure you're not judging me, as I don't have any kids that I consider to be high needs. I wasn't talking about me.

 

Parenting is very difficult, and I don't think that some babies are "normal." Sure some babies probably fit the label, but others probably don't.  But if it makes the parent feel better about themselves, that is great.  Some people need that kind of security. 

 

And, some people just want some freaking understanding that they're having an astonishingly hard time. I'm not really sure if you're trying to come across as condescending or not, to be honest.

 

to quote Dr. Sears:

 

"In some ways all babies are high need babies, and most babies have high needs in at least one area of their life. Some have more high need areas than others."

 

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

 

and then he states:

 

"The neediness of the baby is often in the mind of the parent. Some experienced parents of children have widened their expectations of what babies are "normally" like, and they adapt more easily to a baby with high needs; new parents often are not so realistic."

 

This is all that I am saying, that based on my experience, some people (often first time parents) think that their child is really challenging, when in reality, they don't really know what babies are "normally" like.  Other peoples babies always seem easier to us because we don't care for them like we do our own. 

 

Fair enough. So, if a new parent says they have a high needs baby, you don't believe them. I get that. I'm just still sort of shocked to hear "aren't all babies high needs?" from someone with more than one child.

 

I guess I find it odd that people will ask a question on a public forum, and then assume that someone is judging their individual circumstances based on the response.  I am responding the to question and the times in real life that I have heard the term applied. Again, I stated, if that isn't your situation, then it isn't your situation (i.e. it does not apply to you).

 

Well, as I said, I wasn't talking about me. I was discussing my kids solely to illustrate the point that all kids are different, not to state that I have high needs babies. Almost everybody I've ever met who has more than one child is aware that some babies are more needy than others, yk? If people want to assume that someone saying they have a high needs baby is just exaggerating, then people will assume that. I prefer to believe that people know what their own experiences are like.



 

post #199 of 208

I can tell you, from being a mother of 3 and taking so much care of some neices/nephews and other babies over my life, some babies are definately high-needs and life-changing. I thought I knew everything about babies after having two kids and all my experience with other babies (and I even have a special needs relative who spent many, many days and nights with us when he was a baby!) I KNEW how to handle a newborn, how to sneak in a shower between feedings, clean the house, cook...well when #3 was born it was all over from the very first night. That child blew all those things I knew out the window and left me a wreck. I'd only seen moms online talk about having one of these babies and I just thought they were over-reacting to having a new baby :( How can you not take a shower? You just need to relax! Yeah, new babies are hard but not THAT hard. Then I gave birth to one and WHAM!! I had to learn what those women learned. It took me over 8 years to feel like I could handle another baby after that. It was half a year before I actually read Dr. Sear's high needs pages; I thought something was wrong with her, or maybe I had stressed her out in-utero or while she was born or something. I got so little sleep that I was scared to even go to sleep at night for fear I'd sleep walk and hurt her. I cried after reading the links, it wasn't my fault!! There wasn't something wrong with her!

 

I firmly believe that if you do not have a true high-needs baby you will never understand. I had to eat my words. All babies are hard and stressful at first and it does take awhile getting used to it, but there's a MAJOR difference between a normal baby and a high-needs one.

post #200 of 208
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post




If people want to assume that someone saying they have a high needs baby is just exaggerating, then people will assume that. I prefer to believe that people know what their own experiences are like.

 


Storm Bride,

Instead of making assumptions, let's respond to the text. Are you not horribly offended by the Dr. Sears quote, where he is saying essentially the same thing that am stating? 

 

I'll state it once more, yes there are high needs babies, but the term is over-used.  Now I am done with this thread.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"?