What do you think when someone says their child is "high needs"? - Page 11

[Storm Bride]

I did respond to the text, right here:

Originally Posted by carmel23 

I'm of the mind that well, its a baby and all babies are high needs!  They're babies!  Part of it is parental expectation (like they think they baby will be a certain way, but then the reality of caring for a baby 24/7 is something else--and they think it is a high needs baby, when it just, a baby!).

is assuming that the parents are wrong, and you're right. It's their expectations that are at fault, and their baby isn't high needs, because "all" babies are high needs. This is just plain wrong. It's an unfair assumption to make.

I think if you realize your baby will cry all the time, want to never sleep without you holding them/touching them, and will not sleep for more then 20 minutes at a time, you have realistic expectations ;)

And all babies go through phases when they need to be held all the time, don't like the way socks feel, wake all the time, etc. 

Phases are phases. When I said upthread (and forgot I'd said it!) that dd1 was high needs as a baby, I was talking about maybe a three month period. I don't consider to have been "high needs", as such, because it was just a phase. If she'd continued like that until she was a year or two old? That would have been a whole other ballgame.

Parenting is tough.  Hardest job in the world. 

That may be true, but it's also a lot harder with some kids than with others. I went into this whole parenting thing with a pretty good idea of what I was getting into. It was pretty much what I thought it would be (financial issues at the time and c-section recovery aside) with ds1. And, I'm glad I had that to buffer me when dd1 came along. Because, if I'd been a first time mom, and everyone around me had said, "oh, babies are all high needs - you just had unreasonable expectations", I'd have gone nuts. It's amazingly unhelpful to dismiss people who are having an especially hard time with "well, all babies are high needs - parenting's hard".

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by carmel23 

Are you not horribly offended by the Dr. Sears quote, where he is saying essentially the same thing that am stating? 

I'll state it once more, yes there are high needs babies, but the term is over-used.  Now I am done with this thread.

No - he's not saying the same thing you were saying.

"In some ways all babies are high need babies, and most babies have high needs in at least one area of their life. Some have more high need areas than others."

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

and then he states:

"The neediness of the baby is often in the mind of the parent. Some experienced parents of children have widened their expectations of what babies are "normally" like, and they adapt more easily to a baby with high needs; new parents often are not so realistic."

Note the use of "some babies" and "at least one area of their life" and "often in the mind of the parent". That's not what you said. You said, "all babies are high needs".

If you've now changed your mind, and think that there really are high needs babies, then there's really nothing further to discuss. (If you thought that all along, then why didn't you say it, instead of dismissing the whole idea with "all babies are high needs"?)

Mind you, I also sort of disagree with Dr. Sears about adapting more easily. I didn't adapt more easily to dd1 than i would have as a first-time mom. I just blameed myself less than I might have, because ds2 hadn't responded the same way to my parenting approach, so I knew that it was largely about dd1's personal inborn temperament, not about me. It was still a really, really hard three months, but at least my self-blame quotient wasn't through the roof.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by carmel23 

maybe my point of reference is all high needs babies?  I don't know...

I just look back and think that there are times when all of my babies were really hard, and learning what works for them, what their personalities are, etc. can take a long time...

My oldest was hyper sensitive to noise, stimuli, and constantly going.  Wouldn't sleep for very long at all.  Woke every 2 hours.  Blah blah blah.

My second son was super intense for different reasons, my 3rd was dairy/soy intolerant and was very sensitive (ie colicy) to foods, and my 4th crawled at 4 months old, walked at 8.... that was really intense, too.  Doesn't really sleep without me holding him.... I'm not judging, I am just commenting.  I think it has a lot to do with the personality of the parent, as well...

And I guess I'm wondering why someone would ask the question if they don't want the answer? 

I guess what I have observed is a lot of parents who think that a baby won't change their life, and they'll be able to do on living like they did before baby.  And they are in for a rude awakening... and suddenly their baby isn't a normal baby but 'high needs'.  That's what I'm talking about, if it isn't the situation, then that isn't the situation. 

Okay, sorry, you don't get it.  Woke every 2 hours?  Once DS was finally down to waking *only* every two hours, he was over a year and a two hour stretch of sleep ONCE a night was all I got.  Then, we figured out he wasn't just dairy/soy intolerant, but intolerant and/or allergic to literally 20 plus foods.  And crawling at 4 months?  Try not walking at 17 months and doing hours of EI and home programming each week on top of going to a billion specialists.  What you describe isn't what most of us describing our "high needs" kids are talking about.  I don't doubt that you've encountered people unwilling to accept that a baby will change their lives, but I think the majority of us on MDC who are calling our kids "high needs" are doing so for very good reasons.  It is really aggravating to me to read such dismissive posts from people who have supposedly "BTDT" but clearly haven't.
 

[purplerose]

Gosh I sure didn't adapt to my high-needs baby. I was a huge mess the whole first year and beyond. Waking every hour, nursing constantly, not being willing to be put down, not being away from me without screaming (and I don't mean crying, I mean screaming). I had a funeral to go to, a wedding to be in, so there were a few times she had to be babysat and it was awful. There was no way I could adapt to that. After having two typical babies/toddlers, then having a high needs one, I was a horrible mess and I decided I'd never have another child because I couldn't handle another one like that. Of course I'm now pregnant again but my high-needs baby will be turning 9 years old when this one's born....it took this long to get over it enough to not be terrified to possibly go through that again. I'm still a little scared but hopefully this one will be more typical. I was not healthy living on such a miniscule amount of sleep during that time. All I remember is the crying and nursing and being up all night and all day, dark days, my older children were deprived of me. I love her, I never didn't love or want her, but it was SO HARD. And she was early at everything, walking, talking, potty training, very smart. What's been really weird about her, really unexpected, is that she's adapted very well to major changes, like her toddler bed(oh did I mention she would NOT co-sleep? what sleeping she did had to be in my arms sitting in a chair, or in the floor...not on any kind of bed, so when she finally did sleep through the night it was in a crib because by 16 mths she'd sleep in a crib), moving to a new house, things like that. She's the one child I've had who at bedtime would get in her bed and lay there and go to sleep and not ever come out til morning(this was about age 2 or so). When she wanted to go to art classes at age 4 she walked into the room and said, "Ok mama, bye, you can go now!" and didn't look back. I guess perservering with the AP as much as she needed gave her the confidence to deal with things alot of other kids her age weren't good at dealing with.

[littlest birds]

First of all, I believe them.

I immediately think something even simpler: "this parent is maxed out by their child"  "Life is stressful for them.  I can relate."

I realize it is the parent's perception I am hearing.  IDK if this child has higher needs than average or not, but obviously the parent feels that their child requires a lot "more" from them.  Now, whether I think this parent may be overreacting to a fairly average child or is really able to put it in perspective will depend on what I know about both child and parent.  Does the parent seem balanced, is s/he experienced with other children, what is my impression of the child, etc.

[meemee]

its v. interesting people bringing up single and multiple children. 

i have an only (not by choice).

and really i didnt even think high needs. i thought this is what parenting a child was like. same way when i had thrush i thought the burning was a part of getting used to bfeeding till at my docs visit he found i had been suffering thru thrush on my nipples for a month. i think i was finally there coz one nipple was way too sensitive to nurse on anymore. 

dd was a different kind of high needs. she was a stimulation monster. and still is. she NEEDS her physical, social and intellectual need met. as a baby taste was huge for her. she cannot sleep if her curiousity is not met. at 2 weeks one time she would NOT stop crying for hours during the day no matter what i did. so i started walking inside the house as stepping outside increased her intensity. when we came to teh pantry - pin drop silence like a light switch. that was what she wanted. to look at the pantry. 

dd is fast approaching 9. i still find her high needs. in a different way. probably there's another label for her now. but i am constantly on my toes now. looking back even thru those sleepless nights - thru all that physical hardship i suffered, what i am going thru now is ten times harder in my books. because i see her question things and demand things she shouldnt now. she just does not have the emotional maturity to deal with it. she asks me questions i struggle to answer. she questions actions for which i have no answer. it is hard for me to see her carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. the hard part is sometimes i have to leave her to discover the answer herself and watch her agonize over it. 

[skyisblue]

i first just wanted to mention that some are saying that high needs is a food related issue. They are completely unrelated! High needs is an inborn high maintnance personality. food related issues would be categorized under terms like "food intollerance".

i would say that in some cases the term is innapropriately used. some parents feel that if their child is going through a stage that they are now high needs/spirited. but a personality is not something you sometimes have. and high needs is a personality. going through a phase is something you sometimes have. and really if you have not experienced having a high needs/spirited child you would not understand. i worked as a nanny and in child care (along with also going to college for child development) for 12 years prior to having my own children so for me it had NOTHING to do with what some might perceive as having too high of expectations for a first child. i've been there done that! my first is high needs. i had no idea there was a term for it untill she was at least 1, maybe 2 when i came across a brief explanation in a parenting book by dr.sears. at first the doctor chalked it up to colic. as she got to be an older infant someone said that maybe she was just frustrated because she was not mobile yet. she started crawling and she still cried all the time... let me back up... when she was born she cried all.the.time! at night she would wake up screaming for me to nurse her 3-5 times a night (we co slept, she had no reason to scream, i was right there!) within a 10 hour period. during the day, even as a newborn, she would take a few naps, totalling 1 1/2-2 hours. the rest of the day she screamed, not cried. it was hard to settle her and i felt like a horrible mom. what mom can't hold their baby to settle them? me! she only wanted to be held a certain way, swayed very swiftly, in front of a high powered fan. she wanted nothing to do with swings, strollers, vibrating bouncers, or even slings/front packs. she ONLY wanted to be held. i had to go from one thing to another very quickly to settle her. if i did bubbles she would be content for a minute then i would have to move to something else. any little thing set her off and i was on egg shells. there was nothing she didn't cry about. anyway back to "she started crawling"... she was still crying. then i thought maybe she's frustrated she isn't walking. when she was walking she was still crying all the time. then i thought maybe she wanted to be more verbal and the issue was that we had a language barrier and if only she could tell me what she wanted. she talked early and i have been commented that she speaks very adult like for her age. by the time she was 2 my second was born... easy going and slept well in comparison. my 2 year old was STILL crying more than my newborn. and since becoming mobile has also become very aggressive and violent. i swear if the detroit lions hired my 4 year old as a line backer they would start winning. with the last few years of training her about being gentle and not invading personal space, she still has no concept. every.little.thing. bothers her and everything turns into a battle. she wants everything and nothing all at the same time (ex. if she is crabbing that her hair is annoying her she will still refuse to fix the issue by putting her hair up). she lives just to be contrary, even to herself, on a daily basis (ex. if she says she wants a particular thing for lunch and i give it to her she will say she doesn't want it... and i don't offer her something different, she gets what she asked for or she gets down. ex.2 she finally agrees to wear a particular outfit after i've given her a choice of a couple outfits, or she's picked it out herself and as soon as i try to put it on her she suddenly will have a melt down and start kicking her clothes off her feet as i'm putting them on... yes she can dress herself at 4 but she daudles and i have to remind her constantly so sometimes i just have to do it myself to try and make it a quicker process.)

now my youngest who i said was easy going... she has had to deal with her sister's aggressiveness towards her for so long that she has become needy of me. she is the smallest one and finds refuge in me whereas she used to be content with the shelter we call our house. would i call her high needs since she has become needy? no! her neediness is a circumstance of her surroundings. for her it is not an inbred personality issue. but my 4 year old's spirited/high needs attitude has been there since the day she was born. i just didn't know why my baby seemed to have such a depressing attitude. funny, i should have guessed... in one of my ultrasounds she had the back of her hand laying across her forehead and while laying there i jokingly exclaimed "there's my drama queen" ;) my second, on the other hand, had a thumbs up, lol :P

[minkin03]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

It's still hard to read some of the 'all babies are high needs' responses. I expected my baby to be a lot of work. I knew he'd need to nurse every 1-3 hours. I knew he wouldn't sleep through the night. I knew he'd want to be held all the time. I knew he'd spit up a bit. I knew I might spend my nights pacing around or rocking him. I didn't know that many days he'd nurse non-stop for 24 hours straight, even at 2 years old. I didn't know I'd never ever be able to leave him alone while he slept. I didn't know even my DH wouldn't be able to hold him while I ran to the bathroom. I didn't know I wouldn't be able to drive anywhere with him. I didn't know that no amount of rocking, singing, swaddling, bouncing, and loving would calm him down, that more than 20 of 24 hours would be filled with crying, that he would sleep only in 20-minute increments... I had seen lots of babies (and have seen many since) but have yet to see a baby like DS. It breaks my heart. I put EVERYTHING into being my son's mother. EVERYTHING. I left my office to work from home. I nursed him on demand, even if we topped 30 times a day and I was writhing in pain. I gently soothed him to sleep every 20mins all night long. I let him come to the bathroom with me, have perfected peeing while holding or nursing, have never left his side for more than an hour or two, and not at all for his first year+. I spend hours and hours reading and researching how to be the best mom I can be for him, how to help him with his sensory issues, how to keep him from withdrawing. I have put my heart, mind, body, and soul into this, and it's STILL not enough. It's hard for me to believe all babies are like this, because if they were, our species would cease to exist.

(((HUGS)))) I understand your frustration. My first daughter had reflux as an infant and the first 5 months of her life was pretty much what you just described. I think it's unfair to classify all babies the same. Yes, all babies have needs that need to be met but some are easier than others and until you have one with high needs you have no idea how difficult it can be.