dd (3) leaving a shop on her own, and my reaction (long)

[pear-shaped]

I've been mulling over something that happened yesterday morning. I was in the pharmacy with my dd, who is 3, waiting to be served. People don't form lines here so there was a lot of confusion with everyone jockeying for position. She was really unhappy to be there because she wanted to be blowing bubbles. While I was listening to her complain, a woman pushed her way up to the counter and took my turn. Ugh. So I had to go around a bunch of people to the other end of the counter to be served by the other pharmacist behind the counter. dd didn't follow me, as it would have been hard for her to get through the crowd, but I was watching her where she was.

After I turned my head to pay the pharmacist, I looked back and saw that dd was gone. I called her a couple of times and looked all around the room but didn't see her. Some people told me she had left the shop, so I went out and saw that she had gone into a market stall directly outside the pharmacy door. (Yesterday was market day here and all the open spaces in town are filled with market stalls.) So I called her name and went over to where she was and I could see that she looked disoriented and scared. The people whose stall it was looked very relieved to see me, and I could tell they were keeping an eye on her. So I thanked them and brought her back into the pharmacy to collect my bag.

The woman who had cut me just before started yelling at me about how I'm supposed to hold my dd's hands at all times. I pointed out that I had been paying the pharmacist and wanted to say something else but the woman just kept talking and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The head pharmacist, who knows us, began to tell her that my dd was always so well behaved, but the woman interrupted "oh no, you always have to hold their hands." I was really flustered and I when I'm flustered, I have a hard time speaking the language here, but I finally managed to say, "look she's three years old, I can't hold her to make sure she doesn't get away." She yelled, "I didn't say you had to hold her, you need to hold her hand, all the time!" Then I managed to say, "yes, maybe in a perfect world that would happen." I wanted to say something more like, "Yes, I'm sure that's how it works in your fantasy world," but I'm just glad I managed to say something that made sense.

So after we left I asked my dd what she had done and she told me she was looking for me. I told her I didn't believe her and suggested that she left because she wanted to blow bubbles, but I left it at that and reminded her that she needs to stay close to me when we are in crowded spaces. I thought about what happened later and I realized that she must have gone out there because I usually bring her to blow bubbles in the piazza just outside the pharmacy. I think that she lost track of me and thought to look for me in the next place we normally would have gone. So she really was looking for me out there.

But I'm wondering two things, the first, is there something wrong with me for not being more shaken up? The town was really crowded and she could have been really lost. I have nightmares sometimes about things like that and then can't get back to sleep. So why wasn't I freaking out right after it happened? I was scared when I didn't see her in the pharmacy, but then I let my anger at that woman take over me, and I'm worried that maybe it got in the way of my taking the whole thing seriously. The other thing is, was I wrong not to holding dd's hand in that situation? She used to be a runner when she was a toddler, but she had been really good about staying close for the last several months. I was really surprised by what she did, though as I mentioned above, when I think about it, it does seem to have some logic to it. I'm just feeling like I'm handling this wrong emotionally.

[rubidoux]

As for whether or not you were wrong to not hold her hand...  ugh, probably.  But I think it is hard to find the right line there bc you need to have some freedom just to get things done that need to be done and she needs to have some freedom to be able to explore all sorts of things.  So, I think I would say yes, you should have been holding her hand, now that we know she can disappear like that.  But I don't think it makes you terribly deficient that you weren't doing it before the fact, kwim?

I would not stress about your reaction.  I bet that if there had been a little tweak in one direction or another, or if that woman had not been freaking out at you (wow, that is rude!), or if you hadn't been frustrated with your dd about not being patient until you were done, you might have felt exactly the way you wish you did.  It actually reminds me a bit of a reaction I have sometimes -- I have a hard time feeling what I think is the appropriate amount of sympathy when my kids hurt themselves doing something I have been telling them not to do.  But as long as I am not communicating to them that I don't care they are hurt, I don't think it's hurtful.  No harm, no foul.

[pianojazzgirl]

I wouldn't read too much into how you reacted emotionally.  You dealt with the situation fine and maybe you were able to find her faster because you kept your cool.  I imagine Jayne is right that your anger at the woman kind of over-rode (is that a word?) the more panicky reaction that you might normally have had.

Should you have been holding her hand?  Well, 20-20 hindsight tells us "yes" (or at least you should have had her right next to you).  But obviously at the time you had no expectation that she would run off so you were just working with what you knew.  The important thing now is just to learn from the experience and be aware that in future you might need to keep her a little closer in crowded public spaces.

[scottishmommy]

I don't think you did anything wrong. Kids are bound to do this sort or thing once in a while.

[contactmaya]

SOME CHILDREN REFUSE TO HOLDS HANDS. BOTH MY BOYS ARE LIKE THAT.

AND RANDOM STRANGERS GIVING UNWANTED ADVICE, YEP, THAT HAPPENS TOO. YOUR REACTION WAS HUMAN.

[D_McG]

I would be very upset if that happened. I think the woman was rude. I keep a tight hold on DD's hand if it's busy but accidents happen. If I were you I'd be upset and promising myself to pay closer attention next time. There things happen.

As for children 'refusing' to hold hands (per the previous poster). That's not something they have the option about here. If I saw we have to hold hands then we do, or I carry them (kicking and screaming when they are 'that' age) or we go home! safety is not negotiable.

[nextcommercial]

I don't hold a kid's hand all the time.  Imagine being that short and always having your arm in the air.

I would have held on to her for that short bit while I dealt with the pharmacist, and I would have made sure she went with me to the counter. 

But, I can't quite imagine what that pharmacy looks like.  I'm picturing something in my mind, and perhaps it's very different.  I think I trust your judgement more than some random woman in the store.

Kids get lost.  ALL kids get lost.  Every parent has at least one "I lost my kid" story.  

[Ldavis24]

maybe this is wildly inappropriate but doesn't flipping the bird at rude women with nothing to do but judge people span all languages?

[pear-shaped]

Lol, I'm not sure that everyone here has seen the bird, but I think it would have felt satisfying none the less had I done it.

I think I felt comfortable not holding dd's hands in the pharmacy because it's such a familiar place. It's not that big either, there's just a single room maybe 15 feet by 10 feet, if that large. There aren't any aisles. She usually goes and stands by this floor length mirror that's caddy-cornered to the counter. That's where she was when I was watching her. There were probably only about ten people in there, but the space is small enough that it was crowded. I definitely will be holding her hand the next time we're in a situation like that.

She is one of those children that hates holding hands. I do insist that she hold my hand when we are walking in the street or in parking lots. At first I really had to force it, like one of the pp, I used to pick her up and carry her if she wouldn't, because it's just not an option here. The streets are very narrow and have no sidewalks, and people drive very fast and unpredictably here (I'm in Italy) and so it was just not negotiable. As she has become less resistant to holding my hand, I have given her freedom in other situations. I see that I need to rethink what situations those should be.

I guess I probably would have freaked out more if I didn't have the rude woman distracting me. If she hadn't been there I'm sure I would have had some sort of commiseration session with the pharmacist and perhaps some other non-judgmental person. I am so relieved I didn't panic when it happened, though, that's always what happens in my nightmares! Thank you to everyone for your responses, I am feeling so much better about my reaction now. I'm also really glad that I learned that dd needs closer supervision without anything harmful happening to her.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I don't think your reaction was inappropriate or too laid back. What were you supposed to do? Burst into tears? Start spanking her for all to see how serious you are? If it were me, I would probably try and keep my reactions guarded because I would be too embarrassed to make a big fuss in a crowd like that. 

As for her getting away.... Yes, I guess you probably should be more proactive to prevent it. I know it gets frustrating. I still have to do it with my 4 year old. I may not hold his hand every second, but I do insist that he stays right with me, not across the store or anything because I don't know if he might decide to walk out or something. 

[laohaire]

1) Maybe not the bird, but Italians ARE known for certain hand gestures :)

2) I don't make my kid hold my hand all the time either.

3) I would have felt anxious when I had lost her, but I wouldn't have freaked out either unless I couldn't find her within X amount of time.

4) You guys both learned something today. And you didn't learn it from the lady who cut you off.

[crunchy_mommy]

I do not always hold my DS's hand when I'm out & about! He is only 2 and super shy so I do tend to keep him very close (hold hands/put him in a carrier or cart/have him hold onto my pants, etc.) if I am distracted -- paying for something or browsing books at the thrift store -- but not always, depends on the situation. I also let him wander into the next aisle alone sometimes, or whatever... Since he won't talk to other people, I do worry he could get lost and not be able to tell someone his/my name or ask for help, otherwise I'd worry less... Anyway, point is, I definitely don't think you need to hold hands all the time, and certainly not for a 3yo who usually stays with you and all!

And I would venture to guess that you weren't panicky or shaken up because you listened to your instincts and your instincts told you she was fine, just had wandered off. I'm amazed at how calm I can be (I am a very anxious person generally!) when something happens with DS that 'should' be scary but isn't. And I'm amazed too at how strongly I can react when something 'should' be innocuous but my instincts tell me otherwise. I don't know if that makes sense, but instincts are pretty amazing.

[ChristyMarie]

I think you handled the situation very well, all things considered.  I tend to be calm then fall apart later.  I'm so glad she was easily found.  (((hugs)))

DS likes to hold hands but not for too long.  If he's not in the mood I find that he has no problem with me putting my hand on his back.  I can maintain physical contact in close situations like you described but it isn't bothering him by having to have his arm up in the air.  It works really well. 

You can even kind of steer them in the direction you want to go.  ;-)  Helpful in loud crowds.

[sapphire_chan]

In a world where you have perfect presence of mind and are easily fluent in every tiny nuance of Italian, in that other-world, Other-you told her that you were holding your dd's hand until some pushy Signora with far more hips than sense cut between to two of you to get her anti-hemorrhoid medication and was the fine Signora aware that she'd suffer less discomfort if she kept sticks out of her anus?

[blessedwithboys]

I can't tell you how to feel but personally, I would not have allowed the distance between myself and my 3yo that was created when you stepped forward to the counter.  It's not up to the 3yo to stay close (although it's not inappropriate to remind them to do so), it's up to the mother to watch the child.  I am not familiar with Italian culture, but where I live, any number of pervs could have been in or near that pharmacy, so my little one would have been told to hold on to the edge of my shirt or my pant leg and the second I felt them let go I would have picked them up.  But that's just me, I'm not in the business of raising chickens.  LOL

[Snowflake777]

What's Italian for "Mind your own business!"?

[pear-shaped]

Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness 

I don't think your reaction was inappropriate or too laid back. What were you supposed to do? Burst into tears? Start spanking her for all to see how serious you are?

Good point, and what purpose would it have served anyway. I'm also thinking that I haven't let myself get too upset over it because I can't afford to do. I am a worrier and can become very obsessive about things, if I start to think about what could have happened, I'll wind up with an insomnia and an ulcer.
 

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

In a world where you have perfect presence of mind and are easily fluent in every tiny nuance of Italian, in that other-world, Other-you told her that you were holding your dd's hand until some pushy Signora with far more hips than sense cut between to two of you to get her anti-hemorrhoid medication and was the fine Signora aware that she'd suffer less discomfort if she kept sticks out of her anus?

Yeah, that about sums up what I would have liked to say! I don't usually go into crowded shops with dd because it's stressful having to keep an eye on dd and everyone else too. If there weren't people like that woman who always try to cut in front, it'd be a lot easier! Thursday I couldn't avoid it though because I needed to get a prescription filled.

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys 

I can't tell you how to feel but personally, I would not have allowed the distance between myself and my 3yo that was created when you stepped forward to the counter.  It's not up to the 3yo to stay close (although it's not inappropriate to remind them to do so), it's up to the mother to watch the child.  I am not familiar with Italian culture, but where I live, any number of pervs could have been in or near that pharmacy, so my little one would have been told to hold on to the edge of my shirt or my pant leg and the second I felt them let go I would have picked them up.  But that's just me, I'm not in the business of raising chickens.  LOL

Actually, I was watching her from where I was, which was about four feet away. I didn't mention this in my op but I had an unobstructed view of her. The room was crowded but most of the people were behind us. She disappeared when I turned my head to pay. I'd only turned my head once before, to hand over the prescription. Of course it only takes a split second to lose track of a child. The next time we're in the same situation I will hold her hand or insist that she hold onto me. But up until then she had never given me any reason to think she would leave a shop without me. Now if the shop had been bigger, with more than one room, aisles, nooks, what have you, I wouldn't have let her stand on her own, even four feet away.

I can't speak for all of Italian culture because it tends to be regional, but we live in a small town in a rural area. People tend to look out for other people's children and the whole it takes a village thing is in force here. That's what the rude lady was up to, though she didn't go about it in the best way, lol. And I'm not sure what went on with the folks who didn't stop her from leaving the shop! If I saw a child doing that I would stop them, and loudly ask the people in the shop to whom the child belonged.  But they were older men and they do tend to be more uninvolved here. My dd and I are well known in the town, she is the little girl who speaks English and I am the American mommy who gives English lessons at the preschool. The family that runs the pharmacy knows us, dh went to school with the head pharmacist, etc. When I stepped out of pharmacy, I overheard someone say, "Ah, here's her mother," so it may be that some of the people out in the piazza even recognized who dd was. I grew up in NYC, so it is hard for me to compare my experience here with 'American culture' but I imagine it's a bit like how it was in the '50s or '60s, at least it's the way people talk about the '50s or '60s, in terms of community, safety, etc. We do have much, much, much less violent crime here, but that may be true of Europe in general. That said I'm sure there are bad people here just like everywhere else.

Originally Posted by Snowflake777 

What's Italian for "Mind your own business!"?

You know, I never think to say that! I've never actually heard anyone say it anyone directly, I've only heard people say it about other people, as in so-and-so needs to mind their own business...Italians are very tolerant of busybodies, in my experience, so maybe it's really rude to say it? I don't know.

But just in case anyone ever needs it, it's "Fate i fatti vostri!" There's a more vulgar version that I won't print here, it'd be an Italian uav, lol.

[Smokering]

I don't hold DD's hand all the time when we go out (she just turned three). Obviously I do if we're crossing a road or parking lot, and I might if we're in a really busy mall with people everywhere, but in general? No. I don't know any parents who do, come to think of it, with a kid that age. But then, this is New Zealand; not a huge number of child abductions here, and I'm sure it's way less busy than Italy, so I guess we're all just laid-back about it?

DD has gotten lost in a big fabric shop a few times - she runs away - and once in a department store. On all occasions, as soon as she "feels" lost she'll stand stock-still and start cheerfully bellowing "MUMMY!" until I find her. It's quite handy. :p I'm pretty sure she wouldn't leave a shop without me, but I usually try to keep her in view.

[Bellabaz]

" People don't form lines here " -when I read this I thought you must live in Italy and sure enough! =) LOL (lived there too and married to an italian). It was really hard thing for me to do-getting in to teh habit of pretending I am the only one in the shop, street, sidewalk, whatever. But survival eh =).

i wouldn't stress about your emotional reaction. You live in a small town. I know the feeling, like oh okay lets check here or ask so and so before freaking out. It could be a little shock at her actions that got sidetracked by the other woman freaking out. FWIW i wouldn't have been holding her hand. But maybe require her to stand closer. But since you say you have the tendancy to wrry, its better that you didn't get too worked up about it.