when one partner manages the finances. . .

[mamaofprincesses]

What's the best way to communicate with the other partner?

I'm the one who manages all our money. I quit my job recently, shortly before our fourth child was born. Things are going to be tighter than in the past (and it's not like we were rich - I was only working 17 hours a week). I feel, and have felt for a long time, that DH is out of touch with the reality of our finances. He's not a big spender by nature so it's never been a huge problem, but I resent his general attitude that I will take care of everything. Maybe I'm jealous of the blissful ignorance :) Even though he earns the money, I feel like I'm responsible for making sure it covers everything we need, and it's hard.

As an example, just the other night we were working on the Excel spreadsheet I use to track the budget. He's better at programming in Excel than I am, so he was helping me make some improvements. And he asked me how much we had budgeted for childcare! I said nothing, since I'm not working anymore. And he said, "What about date night?"

We are BARELY going to be able to cover the essentials - mortgage, utitilites, insurance, food, transportation, medical care, There is no money for clothes (the kids get lots of hand-me-downs). There is no money for miscellaneous purchases or entertainment. I can sometimes pick up shifts at my old work place (once or twice a month, maybe) and he might get overtime here or there. That will have to cover clothes for us, if we need them, and any other extras. There is definitely no money for date nights!

I should add, also, that I hate it when he asks me if we can afford something, Because the answer is usually, it depends. I have $4,000 socked away in savings. He will probably get a raise in October, and we should have a decrease in expenses in January (long story). He works in the tax industry and gets a lot of overtime from Feb-April, so between the overtime and the tax return we should be able to put away more money in savings next year. So, that $4,000 just needs to cover car repairs, home repairs, medical emergencies, and the like between now and next February. So when he asks me if he can spend $75 on pants because he's gained weight and his don't fit, and his favorite place is having a sale, what do I say? We HAVE the $75, but should we spend it on pants now, or save it in case of an emergency later?

Anyway, I guess I'm looking for help with how I keep him in the loop. Do we sit down once or twice a month so I can say, "Guess what? All the bills are paid, per usual, and I'm feeding the family well and there is gas in the cars. Like always."
 

I should also say that pointing out how little we have makes him feel bad. We have a lot of history there: I've always felt he's not working up to his potential earning capacity, and he resents that. He also got really bummed when I told him that I didn't think we should spend $75 on pants, and to check the thrift store. Not mad at me, but definitely unhappy. And I resent being put in that role.

He's not selfish or materialistic or angry by nature. We have a good marriage, I just need to figure out how to stop the comments that make me feel like I'm shouldering the burden alone.

[happysmileylady]

We are in a similar dynamic here, and I am not sure I am doing much better at it.  I HATE being in the role of "warden of the cash" so to speak, which tends to result in me just ok'ing purchases that I shouldn't.  But I end up feeling like mommy telling a kid he can't have candy at the grocery store when I say no, and dang it, I am not his mommy.

One thing I am trying currently is to approach it from a stand point of cooperation vs me as keeper of the keys updating the staff, if that makes sense.  So, every so often, I will sit down with him and ask if there's anything around the house or whatever that we need, things for the kids, etc, IOW, what do you we need to work into the budget this month.  Then I go over what we have in the budget and ask for his input into where is the best place to spend the money left, if any.  There is rarely any.

That's the plan, I can't say it's working too well, but then DH works full time and goes to school full time, and we have a teen, a 2 yr old and a 7 month old, we don't have much time to do more than say hi, love you, goodnight.

[skreader]

One thing my mom and step-dad did, and that my husband and I do, is budget in "walking around money", or you could consider it "pocket money".

So, if your DH gets a certain amount of "walking around money" every week or every month, he will know whether he can afford things like the new pants (or save up for them)? My mom said she and my step-dad started doing it after a huge argument about a US$ 15 necklace she wanted to buy for her niece for a birthday present.

The idea of budget  update might be a good one -  what's wrong with saying "All the bills are paid, per usual, and I'm feeding the family well and there is gas in the cars. Like always." and then ask him if he sees any expenses coming down the track (or opportunities for more $ flowing your way).

Another thing might be to budget in clothes? Or to say "Yes, we can spend the 75 on new pants for you, but it will come out of our emergency kitty.  Let's talk about it..."

[mistymorning]

I'm in the same situation, I'm the sole budget keeper and I hate having to give updates and talk about it, or say no to purchases.  But I consider it my job, and I'm better at it than he is.  I try to throw in positive comments whenever I can (overtime, etc) to make him feel better.  But he stresses when we can't buy something, or the times when money is super tight for one reason or another.  It makes him feel bad, like he's not providing for the family.  I feel like I constantly have to reassure him that he is a good provider, even in the tight circumstances.

We have "allowances" for each of us, much like the pp suggestion.  It's not much.  But we get it at the beginning of the month, and it has to last.  It is for anything we want or need, from a latte, to clothes, to eating out, to books, etc.  If one of us wants something big, we have to save our allowances. And if we want something communal, we pool our money together.

We have given up cable, landline, and other non essentials so that we can have an allowance.  Is there any room in your budget to do that?

Mistee

[heatherdeg]

I seriously could've written your post except that I'm a few years more down the road and went through so much resentment and bitterness about it (and let all that eat at our marriage) including my going on strike and allowing it to affect our credit scores before it got better.  My dh was also very money-averse.  He whole-heartedly believed that I was better at it, and no amount of concern about my dying in an accident, etc. would snap him into reality.  It became less a "warden of the cash" and more a feeling of mothering my spouse... which neither of us liked.

I wouldn't recommend it.  

We got back on track by him tending to the monthly stuff that pretty much could be on auto-pay (and frequently was) just to get him to where he would actually log into the online banking and see the balances.  Hey... it was progress.  And I felt like he could at least get into the banking system and pay the bills if I were unconscious--which was a HUGE relief for me.

Then we added "money date night" every two weeks, the night before he got paid.  We usually had to stay up late to do this after the kids went to bed.  We'd go through the variable expenses for the month (not just the next 2 weeks) and talk about what affected them, if that was okay, if there were ways to improve anything, if there was stuff we wanted/needed, if so--how to accommodate them, etc.  At first, yes, it will feel a little silly and quick and "everything's good".  When you're not USED to talking about the money, you just don't.  But knowing that date existed every 2 weeks, my husband finally started talking about our finances.  TINY stuff at first (and it took months for that), but it was similar to the pants thing.  He saw boxes upon boxes being delivered and asked about them.  Clothes for the kids that I bought on clearance at end of season for the following year.  I explained the whole thing to him.  After maybe 2 years of this happening, he finally had enough knowledge to speak up and say "How far ahead ARE you buying" and I realized that I wasn't tracking the clothes really well--and probably had enough to take a year off.

So yeah, the date night is a great idea.  Give a "state of the union", what you see on the horizon, and ask if he has any needs or concerns that you two need to work into the plan.  Reassure him that this is something he'll have the opportunity to talk about at every money date.  It will take time, but he'll come around.

[texmati]

We are at the same spot as you-- I'm giving notice on tuesday! and our income will be cut in half. Dh used to manage all the finances,  we are in the process of setting up a routine where we discuss the finances weekly, for an hour during sunday nap. We've been using quicken to track our expenses, but it just isn't working for us-- so i did some googleing this week and found this site -- getting finances done.

The site isn't that great, but it does have sometips about setting up a 'zero based' budget. I think this will really help us; because having a huge lump of cash just isn't wokring for us. My husband feels as though he can spend it; on the other hand, I always feel like some expense will come and hit us around the corner. Having that money *assigned* will help some of the 'can we afford it?" discussions. Also-- the site suggests having a list of planned purchases, so you know where you want to allocate new money coming in. TBH; it's all common sense, but I had never thought about it that way.

[mamaofprincesses]

Thanks for all the replies, and commiseration. We have had allowances/personal money before, and also money specifically allocated for clothes (because if DH were given just personal money, he'd spend it on fun things and wear rags for sure!) It's just not there right now. It's ok, it's temporary until the next raise, or I go back to work. We just need to be extremely careful for the time being.

We decided to start with a once-a-month "money date." I think it will be good for him to see, constantly, how FAST money goes with four little kids! And as you pointed out heatherdeg, we need to practice talking about money more.

[sunnysandiegan]

DH & I trade off doing the family finances...him a couple years, me a couple years, him a few years, me for the last five years. He's better at some aspects and I am better at other aspects. Right now, though, he works full-time and I am not working for a paycheck at all (last five years), so time-wise it makes sense for me to do this household task. However, I keep him in the loop in a few ways:

1. He does all the filing. That way he can look at things as he files, as he wishes, and he knows where everything belongs, just in case.

2. He has full access to all accounts and can look at any online account we have at any time. He actually does this more than I thought he would, too!

3. I do finances weekly and give a very brief overview at dinner that night each week. I also prepare reports once a month/quarter and share those verbally and sometimes in printed form at dinner that night (whenever I do them, usually the first week of each month). We share and discuss at dinner for several reasons, but the main one is to keep finances an open communication topic in our family. From infancy, DD has heard it all and, now, at age 10, she is quite knowledgeable on the subject...without it ever being a big deal.

My weekly updates/overviews are casual conversations along the lines of... "I called the insurance company today because we got billed incorrectly. Our agent asked me send her all the paperwork, so DD and I took a drive down there since we also needed to go to xyz. She (agent) will keep me updated." Then, each time the agent called with an update, I relayed the synopsis to DH at dinner that night. If he were at home and I was out, the agent could have talked to either of us. DH didn't have all the details, but he was aware of the situation.

I never really say, "Everything is good, as usual." I give brief details instead. My perspective is I am educating DH on the status of our financial affairs, so that he can make informed decisions that support our lifestyle. There isn't a lot of emotion involved on the levels I read upthread. I convey MY emotions regarding various interactions with others (phone calls, for example), but finances as a topic is not emotionally charged any longer.

It is kind of like sex education for your children. If you choose to give specific details along the way, then there never has to be a "big talk" and the communication lines are just always open. We talk about finances in everyday conversation, so it is never a big deal.

I feel like I simply have the most time to do this particular household task, not that I am the money warden. I am the CFO presenting the info to the Board of Directors (family) for discussion and decision-making. There is no, "You cannot spend $75 for pants." It is more..."We have these priorities and have allocated funds in these areas for the year. As of this morning, we have spent $x here and $y there this month. We have $z left." If we need to, we'll reprioritize for a month or two, but the point is neither of us tells the other "no" or "yes". My job is to simply present the latest financial facts, so we as a couple (or family, depending on the topic) can make an informed decision and go through the discussion process together. It takes longer than a simple yes or no, but we have come to recognize the benefits. Long-term, it probably takes us less time to reach these decisions. It certainly started out more emotionally charged and some decisions took for-ever, but there is synergy now and it feels more respectful and easy.

[BetsyS]

It helps us to sit down and actually go over the money together.  Dh is half salary and half comission, and when he gets a big(ger) check, he used to think that meant he could spend willy-nilly.  Sitting down to allocate the money every month means that he sees how fast it goes, and we make decisions together about what we'll buy.  Our budget is tight, so he sees that choosing to have his shirts dry-cleaned every day (which he likes a lot) means that we eat out one less time per month.  There just isn't unlimited money, you know?

I like that it takes me out of the "no" spot.  When we decide at the beginning of the month that we'll eat out, say, once that month, then when he brings up going out, I can say, "sure", or "hey, we already ate out this month; maybe next month?"  And it makes me feel more like we're partners, and I'm reminding him of our decisions, instead of always saying, "no".   Or with the pants, I can say, "well, it's coming out of the emergency fund.  Is it really that important?"  And, then, cause it's his money, too, he can make the decision to spend or not. 

He had a little moment this year because he had to spend Christmas money on clothes, instead of something fun, because we were in a low spot in our budget, and we just didn't have a clothing budget at the time.  But, since we'd been sitting down together for a while, and he knew our budget in and out, the moment was over quickly.

[cristina47454]

Maybe you are more sophisticated than I was when I started all of this, so if this is something you already know, feel free to ignore it. I too am the sole money manager but never quite knew if we could afford something.  Afterall, there was that lump of cash sitting in the bank! What really helped me was to assign my money to different categories.  This is all very basic stuff,  but it helped me enormously! So yes, there was $5000 sitting in account, but then I realized...oh! I need to have sinking funds for certain expenses that only occur a couple of times a year! And, hey! I should really be trying to have 3-6 months worth of savings in an emergency fund. 

Our income has been all over the map the past couple of years so I'm not in a place to have a line item in my budget for "pocket money" or even "clothes" yet, but ideally, when we get our feet under us (DH just got a new job), there will be several sinking funds for things like "Gifts", "Christmas", "Vacation", "Car Replacement".  When can we "afford" to go on vacation? WHen putting aside $100/mo (or whatever the number ends up being) adds up to the kind of vacation we are willing to pay for. Make sense?

[laohaire]

While I am superinterested in budgeting and finances, I've been on the other side of the fence before. I'd been the financier of the family for a few years and then handed over the reins to DH when I was getting pretty busy at work (and he was less so). But while I continued to be interested, it's really different when you're not holding the reins. Yes, I would ask DH if we could afford something - I didn't know how else to get that information. And I asked because I was sincerely interested. Some of the problem was just that DH really didn't seem to know. He's not as detailed as I am about the money. Now I'm the financier of the family again.

In MY case, if DH asked me if we could afford $75 pants right now, and if I didn't have enough to allocate any sinking fund for clothes, or fun money, or anything like that - then I would say, I'm afraid not, hon. I could of course see why that would be a problem in some relationships, but I could say no to my husband because I know he sincerely wants to know and will accept my no answer. And I would be confident about the no answer because if I didn't have enough extra to allocate toward this need, then the money just isn't there. DH would go to Goodwill and make do (I would authorize him spending $10) until the bonus in the future. Or he could sell something on eBay or do some odd jobs if he really needed the pants now.

From my perspective, I would prefer to talk to someone like me, who can answer the "can we afford it" question both honestly and accurately. When I asked DH he'd be like, "uh... yeah, I think so. I mean, we get paid next, when? There's a little extra in the account right now and I don't think the mortgage is due until next week. So... um, sure?" lol. Or, more accurately, he would have said "I don't know, I'll have to sit down and figure it out" and spend the next 5 nights on the budget trying to catch up with his reckoning.

[Sharlla]

Well with ex I handled the finances whether I WOH or SAH.  he knew the importance of not overdrawing the account so he wouldnt so much as buy a soda without clearing it first.  checking the bank account wasn't always a good idea because he wouldn't have known if the bills have been paid or not.  if he had plans to buy something he would let me know "such and such video game is coming out on this date, I want it"  money was never an issue for either of us.

with DH we share the bill paying tasks.  DH SAH but I give most of the money to his bank account because he has our mortgage and CC with his bank.  I just pay the bills that are in my name first.  I keep some extra in my account for spending money.  DH almost never spends money but if he wanted to I wouldnt care.  Neither of us need to consult the other unless it was a big purchase or something.

I'm not getting as much overtime as I would like at work.  I was getting so much (50 hours a week regularly) tht I actually quit my second job.  well now we are fully staffed but my employers are awesome and have approved me 20 hours a week OT on a permanent basis. 

[Juvysen]

we posted a budget on the fridge.  Anything we bought was recorded under the correct category in the budget (the total allowed was at the top next to the name of the category)... thus discussions went like this "is there anything left in the X budget"  "no"  "oh, guess we'll wait til next month to buy Y" ... or something like that.  We agreed not to use savings on things like clothes and whatever because it just doesn't make sense.  In our experience, the more you do that, the more likely you are to be loose about the budget later, and then what's the point of having a budget, you know?

In your position, I'd just say "well, we have money in savings, but if we spend it now, we may be screwed if our car breaks later." and have a discussion about it...

[velochic]

I think the first thing that has to happen is that you and your dh have a long talk to get on the same financial page.  If you are a saver and budgeter and he is a spender and an ostrich (burying his head in the sand) then the first step is to come up with a plan so you are both happy.  I think this only comes with regular meetings at the dining room table with all of the bills and income on paper.  I think the very first thing you should do is to log every.single.penny spent over the course of a month.  Both of you carry notebooks and a pen and even if you buy a gumball, write it down.  Then you can evaluate where the money is all going and together you can show him that there is NO room for $75 pants because every penny is spoken for.  Make sure he knows how much you appreciate the income he does bring home and not focus on what you can't have because he's not earning more.

Have you sat down together and established your short-term, mid-term, and long-term financial goals?  Have you gone over future plans and the steps needed to take you there?

Another thing that I always ask in these types of situations... did you guys get a large tax return?  If you got ANYTHING back, you need to have your dh go to HR and figure out his withholdings so that every single dollar comes to you in the paycheck and you are not giving Uncle Sam a free annual loan.  Oftentimes, people will get back something like $3000 and they don't even realize that that is another $250/month that they could be using throughout the year (or putting in savings and at least earning a little bit of interest... maybe enough for one date night).

The way that dh and I communicate is that we share the responsibility of finances.  I keep track of our investment portfolio and savings and dh manages the bills.  Dh does keep an eye on our investment portfolio, but I consider it my responsibility.  We have to communicate because we have financial goals and we check in with each other to make sure we are on target.  So, even if you are paying the bills, you both need to know where you are on your financial path toward your goals.  Perhaps you pay the bills, but he balances your income/expenses.  You write the checks, but he goes to the bank to deposit your savings.  There are ways that you can both be involved and one person to still manage the finances.  But if he never sees the numbers, he's never going to know the true state of your finances.  Good luck!