What to do when they won't listen? - Page 2

[Jaimee]

Ugh!!  I could write this same post.  We have already implemented the 1-2-3 magic system (Phelan... he has a DVD, too) and it was working great to reduce the yelling to almost zero.  And now that she's approaching 4.5 things have gotten totally out of hand again.  I know that some of it has to do with stressors in our lives right now (trying to sell our house, moving to another state, I'm pg with #3), but she is simply defiant.  And it's not just telling us "NO!" when we ask her to do things.  It's become destructive and a safety issue as well. 

I will find crayon and pen marks on the walls, floor, and even on her bed sheets.  I have explained over and over again where she can draw and I ask her to tell me where she can draw.  She KNOWS.  But it happens over and over again.  We are trying to keep the house clean and tidy to sell it and this is just so aggravating!  I have taken her art supplies away several times as a logical consequence, but a week later, I find blue crayon drawn all the way up the stair well.  I want to scream!!!  I don't feel like I should have to supervise all her drawing time- it's not really realistic when I'm also chasing after a toddler.  I want her to be independent and be able to find activities for herself on her own and drawing seems pretty innocuous. 

Then other day she asked to walk the neighbor's dog with our neighbor (this is something she commonly does), but we had to say no b/c it was dinner time.  We explained why we said no and suggested she could ask to walk the dog at an earlier time the next day.  She went outside to tell the neighbor and disappeared. She went with him anyway!  We were shocked and furious.  She had never done anything so defiant before and it was highly worrisome b/c she left our property entirely- through the fence- without us knowing until I went out a minute later to see why it was taking her so long.   I feel like this type of behavior cannot be resolved with just talking, though we certainly did have a long emotional talk about it.  She seems to understand in the moment, but I am not at all convinced that it stuck.  We decided she could not walk the dog again for a week.  I felt like that was a logical consequence.  But again, I'm worried what will happen next. 

What in the world to do????

[mom2grrls]

I don't feel like I should have to supervise all her drawing time- it's not really realistic when I'm also chasing after a toddler.>>>>

Unfortunately this is what you may have to do for a while until the phase passes.  Let her know that there will be a certain time of day she can color that you can give her full attention and why.

We explained why we said no and suggested she could ask to walk the dog at an earlier time the next day.  She went outside to tell the neighbor and disappeared. She went with him anyway! >>>>>>

Next time go with her, I would not have trusted my 4.5 y/o to go out alone and relay a message:)

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls 

I don't feel like I should have to supervise all her drawing time- it's not really realistic when I'm also chasing after a toddler.>>>>

Unfortunately this is what you may have to do for a while until the phase passes.  Let her know that there will be a certain time of day she can color that you can give her full attention and why.

We explained why we said no and suggested she could ask to walk the dog at an earlier time the next day.  She went outside to tell the neighbor and disappeared. She went with him anyway! >>>>>>

Next time go with her, I would not have trusted my 4.5 y/o to go out alone and relay a message:)

I agree with these two things.  You could also set the toddler in the highchair to color.  My dd was coloring when she was one, she would color on herself, the highchair, and the paper but it was with Crayola washable markers (a wonderful investment) so it all washed off easily.  I used to put her in to color so I could do other things but this would be a great way to have your toddler in a safe place while you make sure your daughter doesn't color the walls. 

My child is 8 and she doesn't always relay messages the way I want them relayed to this day.  At four she would get distracted and forget the messages she was relaying.  There is a book series that has a really wonderful description of what to expect from kids at each age it starts with My One Year Old and goes up from there for each age group.  I suggest reading the Four and Five year old books to get a clear picture of how realistic your expectations are right now.  The parenting advice in the books really sucks but the behavior expectations are very accurate.
 

[Jaimee]

Thank you for the comments.  :)
 

Originally Posted by mom2grrls 

Unfortunately this is what you may have to do for a while until the phase passes.  Let her know that there will be a certain time of day she can color that you can give her full attention and why.

......

Next time go with her, I would not have trusted my 4.5 y/o to go out alone and relay a message:)

Next time I will definitely go with her...

Quote:

Originally Posted by One_Girl 
I suggest reading the Four and Five year old books to get a clear picture of how realistic your expectations are right now. 

Yes, these are great books.. I've read them through age four.  I understand where both of you are coming from and realize this is the type of parenting I might have to do for a while.  What's frustrating is that this was just not the case a few months ago.  She could be trusted to relay messages like that and often did.  She did not go against our decisions when we were very clear about them.  She plays safely in our backyard unsupervised (with periodic checking in) all the time.  Same with the drawing- she was known to color by herself while I put the baby down for his nap for sometimes half an hour without incident.  These new behaviors feel like they just popped up and I'm really frustrated by the need to police her when I'm exhausted by this pregnancy and the severe sleep deprivation that a teething 16 month old causes.  I have read in books like Raising Your Spirited Child that 4.5 is another peak behavioral age... I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.  Sigh...