Any other gentle discipline moms with very high expectations of behavior? - Page 2

[frugalmum]

I pick my battles but I have very strict standards for my kids' behavior-- no whining, unwarranted complaining, insulting others, no foul language, no eye rolling, sighing, and they are required to help with chores and do homeschool if they expect to maintain certain privileges like computer/ TV use.  Gentle discipline and high behavior standards can and do go together!  Too often people think gentle discipline means letting your kids run wild and never saying no.  I say no constantly.  But I don't spank, I don't yell (one DD occasionally makes me lose it and yell but not for a while), insult, or criticize beyond just plainly and calmly explaining that rude behavior is unacceptable and will get you nowhere in life.  I'm not afraid of my kids or saying no to them.

The main consequence for bad behavior is loss of TV/ computer use.  This rarely happens and usually only to one of my kids (the one who occasionally makes me snap and yell!).  If things get worse, then a time out in their room (10-30 minutes depending on how bad it was) and beyond that an early bedtime.  But the latter two almost never happen.  I make no apologies for having high standards, I have too many kids to let them mistreat each other!

[D_McG]

I have very high expectations and think my kids are pretty well behaved. They know the rules, know the consequences for not following the rules, etc. I try to be kind and calm but yeah, definitely have high standards. I'm frequently amazed at what people let their kids get away with!

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

I disagree that teaching isn't GD. The key for GD for me is that it's teaching and learning.  As for 'teachable moments', for me these are the heart of GD. If I can teach my child to think through an action or a consequence, then I've achieved something because it means that they are more likely to be able to carry forward by themselves in the future. It's important to remember that children learn in different ways and different rates. There are kids who need a lot more physical action and aren't ready to sit still places at 4 or 5. If that's your child, then it makes sense to me to not put them in positions where they'd have to do that, and to give them lots of time for physical action. If your child is slow to warm up, then model social nicities, but don't punish them for not using them. Teach them, as we did our son, "when you don't say hello to people, they think you don't like them". And after about 50 repetitions, he got it.

After thinking about it, I suppose I agree.  I guess I have a hard time getting past the word "discipline" as it denotes a certain punitive thing to me.  I realize that isn't the spirit of GD, but I tend to put a lot of stock in words.  I wish I could think of a better term. 
 

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy 

Sometimes I read threads and think, "jeesh, I'm such a hard a**". I have really high expectations of DDs behavior. I insist on manners. If she wants something she needs to ask in a polite tone and say something like "could I have some milk please, mommy". I will not give her anything unless she asks me nicely. I also tell her to say thank you to cashiers, waitresses, anyone who gives us a service. I don't let her run in our apartment, because I don't want to disturb our downstairs neighbors. I also don't let her talk loudly in restaurants or in public spaces in general. I'll also tell her when I think her behavior is inappropriate, like if she has a fit over something small and she usually stops. I'm really cheery and kind when I correct her.
I never get mad at her when she breaks the "rules" or punish her, I just remind her how to act. I dunno, it seems to be paying off. She's definitely much more polite than most toddlers. She always says please and thank you and rarely acts demanding. It's really cute, and people compliment her manners a lot. But sometimes I feel like I'm the most uptight mom about this stuff. I'm not at all uptight about messes or anything, just manners and social interactions. Anyone else like this? Or am I just an old fuddy duddy?

I guess I look for balance. My 2-year-old is easy to keep quiet and happy, and always says please and thank you, and is cherry when corrected. But my 9-year-old, while polite and cheery and well behaved now, was an incredibly intense toddler and preschooler and I had to sometimes just get through an outing without her flying into a 3-hour out-of-control tantrum. Some of what you're describing was simply out of her reach at that age, and I think it's important to match expectations with the reality of a child's abilities. I look for the long term, not the short term immediate behavior. And it has paid off with the 9-year-old. I hope you don't assume everyone with a child unable to match your child's behavior is permissive? Children are very individual and they aren't all able to handle the same things.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle 

After thinking about it, I suppose I agree.  I guess I have a hard time getting past the word "discipline" as it denotes a certain punitive thing to me.  I realize that isn't the spirit of GD, but I tend to put a lot of stock in words.  I wish I could think of a better term. 
 

If it's just semantics perhaps Gentle Parenting, or Gentle Teaching.  Or if semantics and etymology are your thing: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=discipline

The modern connotation is physical or emotional or social punishment, but still the DENOTATION and indeed the original meaning and root of the word is teaching and  learning...this helped to shift my view of the word.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by hakeber 

If it's just semantics perhaps Gentle Parenting, or Gentle Teaching.  Or if semantics and etymology are your thing: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=discipline

The modern connotation is physical or emotional or social punishment, but still the DENOTATION and indeed the original meaning and root of the word is teaching and  learning...this helped to shift my view of the word.

Thanks Hakeber, that was helpful! 
 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by hakeber 

If it's just semantics perhaps Gentle Parenting, or Gentle Teaching.  Or if semantics and etymology are your thing: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=discipline

The modern connotation is physical or emotional or social punishment, but still the DENOTATION and indeed the original meaning and root of the word is teaching and  learning...this helped to shift my view of the word.

This knowledge has helped shift my thinking too.  I almost want to mount a campaign to 'take back' the word discipline and reframe it as teaching. While the first meaning for discipline listed in my Merriam-Webster is "punishment" an alternative meaning is "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character". So, I do discipline my children. I just try hard not to punish. (I haven't always succeeded, mind you, but everyone's human!)

[mom2grrls]

Ds was "beautifully behaved" in public if you looked at him. He stuck to us like glue. He was selectively mute. He loved to observe. Dd was not. She was loud, impatient, and wiggly. She would dash off in the opposite direction in a minute. She loved to 'talk' (read, screech as an infant), and still has to be reminded to keep her voice at a reasonable level. She explores by touching, not observing. We 'solved' the issue by simply not going out much with her when she was a toddler. We didn't eat out. We knew that when we took her to church, she'd last about 10 minutes and then either need the nursery, or better yet, to run in the narthex. We didn't take her shopping.>>>>>>

Same thing here.  My 2 older girls were pretty easy out in public or sitting in church, at a restaurant, etc.  Then came my son and we pretty much did what you described, just stayed home for the most part lol.  He honestly at 6 still can have trouble with sitting through church but does pretty well in school.

[ericawebdev]

I wanted to thank all of you for posting this as I have recently been considering what standards of behaviour I expect and whether they're reasonable. Also, I get irritated when my kids visit my mother in law and somehow manage to revert to forgetting their manners because it is so important for me that they remember to show courtesy and respect, and it's good to know I'm not just being unfair. This seems harder with gentle discipline but I want to teach them courtesy without fear.

[*MamaJen*]

Great thread. I've been nodding along to most of the replies. I think I have pretty high standards for the things that are important to me -- treating other people with respect and courtesy, while also being confident enough to stand up for yourself.

I've heard some GD parents say that they don't force kids to say please and thank you. I understand their reasons, but I don't necessarily agree. From the time he could talk, I've taught DS to have good manners.

For me, one of the most important parts of gentle discipline is pulling my own weight and helping DS have the tools he needs to behave properly. Before anything else, I try really hard to make sure that he gets enough rest, stays fed, gets enough physical activity (he's REALLY physically oriented) and isn't totally overwhelmed. He's three, and I respect that three year olds have limits. I also always try to make sure he knows the expectations before we go into a situation. If we're about to walk into a restaurant or store, we'll have a conversation about what we're doing and what the rules are. It doesn't work perfectly every time, but as he's getting older it's definitely paying off.

Also, I think the very most important thing is modeling the behavior you want from them. DS sees me treating other people, including him, with courtesy and respect.

[sapphire_chan]

I don't force please/thank you. I suggest it and dd chooses to use them about 95% of the time.

But I only use please/thank you with her (or any one else) about 95% of the times they would apply, and I find that I use them more than most other people.

I've also noticed that parents who don't use GD rarely use please/thank you naturally with their children. They demand demand demand and then randomly say please/thank you in a big fake I-am-modeling-good-behavior-now voice.

[mom2happy]

Training to act in accordance with rules is Dictionary.com's definition.

I have no problem with that one.

It's how we go about the teaching/training.

Discipline to me means doing my job to ensure the best success of my children's behavior possible for their age/ capabilities.

It doesn't mean punishment. Sometimes there are cause and effect consequences that come naturally or that I have to come up with.

As far as manners go..... that's a biggie. How we treat one another is the basis for being good people. That is what GD is all about, so I don't see how anyone can be seen as a hard ass for making sure there child knows how to be treated and treat others.

My DD had a very hard time making eye contact and saying thank you until she was almost 6. I would say it for her and she would look down. She could barely say "hello" to anyone and was constantly receiving compliments about her hair and eyes. When she went into Kindergarten I told her that she was going to see a lot of these people every day and if she just kept looking down, they might not understand how hard it is for her to talk, but that they might think she doesn't like them. Sure enough she began to muster up the courage to quietly and quickly have polite replies. Everyone wants to be liked and accepted. We have to teach and guide in a polite way ourselves or they will never get it.