I am having serious serious guilt issues right now, to the point almost of a panic attack. I really really need some advice and encouragement right now. I am due in 2 days...Here we go, I want to labor as much at home as possible. With ds I was scared and didn't know anything about labor, and was talking to female relatives all day, and my grandma scared me into going to the hospital too soon, where my obgyn decided to keep me despite i wasn't contracting regularly and i was almost 2 cm dilated. I tried in vain to have a natural labor and delivery, all while my sister slept on the couch of my labor room because her house had caught on fire that night. The hospital was near the bar district in town and i had relatives trying to come visit me at 2:00am drunk and I refused them access, but it was just more added stress. Dh was scared as well and 12 hours later I gave in to the nurse on call and got pit and epidural pretty much when i was 8 cm and in transition. I really regret that. People were waiting on me in the waiting room, which stressed me out, and I was thinking about that a lot.
So fast forward to now, and my grandma really wants to be there, but I just don't want her to be and I don't know how to tell her. I have told my sister I don't want gma there and sister is getting mad that i don't tell grandma. My grandma also has a drinking problem, and was drunk as recent as yesterday, so if she was to find out, she may have been drinking just prior to coming up to the hospital. I just figure we can just have the baby and then call people, but I am feeling very guilty about this and there is a possibility i could be in labor on easter and people would find out since i would not be at the family function. So how should i tell my grandma or should i even tell her? I love her, but she just seems to focus on herself and talks about her births and at my sisters delivery invited herself to stay and even brought up my dead mother to the nurses. Dh says he would kick her out etc, but when push comes to shove i don't know, he knew i wasn't happy with my sister sleeping on the couch when in labor with ds and he didn't kick her out, kwim? For me the easiest way to handle it is to not tell anyone, but ultimately if they do find out, should i warn them that they will not be allowed in the room until after dd is born? It was the same way with ds, but I think because of my negative experiences with last time I am really having a problem this time and not sure how to handle it. Because I know i don't want people there and that makes me feel guilty, and I know that I will be more comfortable with dh only so why can't I deal with this and move on?