Heartbroken--7 Year Old DS Says "I do a lot of stuff wrong and that's bad"

[umsami]

We were having a discussion at dinner... and DS1 (7) was telling his Dad that he needed to eat healthfully so he'd have energy when he was a grandpa. The discussion continued for a bit...and I asked DS what he thought his kids would be like. He said, "I hope they're not like me... I do so many bad things and wrong stuff." (paraphrasing). I was completely heartbroken. We talked a bit more about all of his good qualities, but this really has shaken me. DH can be harsh at times--and DS1 got into some trouble at school awhile back and at home for lying--but I thought I was balancing that praising him on a lot of his strengths--he's an incredible artist, great at math, wonderful reader... and a great big brother to DS3 and DD2. On the lying, I try to tell him thank you for telling the truth on the hard things--and overlook what I can...or say, "I know that didn't happen because I saw you, so can you tell me why you did xyz?"

Other than doing this, what else can I do? I'm completely heartbroken that my 7 year old thinks of himself this way.

[LynnS6]

Quick thoughts before I go to bed:

First, it really helps my kids to hear stories of when we mess up. I think that helps them put things in perspective, and realize that we all mess up.

Second, developmentally, kids at about age 7 start to develop an understanding of the implications of their actions and more perspective on how their actions are perceived by others. (It's why it's considered the age at which children can make confessions in the Catholic church, though I doubt the church actually studied the developmental literature -- but world-wide, you'll find lots of cultures holding kids 7+ more responsible for their actions). I think some kids take this more to heart than others. Your job as a parent isn't to remove this, but to help him see the bigger picture.

Sometimes asking questions really helps you figure out where their minds are. Ask him what he thinks he does wrong, not just about his good qualities. Make it clear that it's OK to feel that you're not adequate sometimes.

[K1329]

I agree with the pp. My dd is 7 & has said something similar. Same as you, I don't want her to be too harsh on herself. I ended up telling her that making mistakes is part of the learning process, & that we all do it. Basically, that making mistakes is a part of life. I then gave her an example (one of the many, lol) of me making a mistake.

[hakeber]

This might be a good time to read about some of the fabulously successful people who have totally messed up throughout their lives and discuss why if they hadn't messed up they wouldn't have succeeded.  

Making mistakes is a part of how we grow and some people need to make more mistakes than others, but that's okay.  Being ashamed of our mistakes means we are more likely to forget about them, push them to the back of our minds, and try to blank them from our conscious memories, and that would be the silliest mistake of all, because by looking at our errors, we can make better and better choices.

You're little guy sounds like a really sweet and sensitive young man!

On the lying thing...DS lies now and then (heck, so do I) I try to forget about the lie and the why and get to how to fix whatever it is he's lying about...it;s doesn't matter if you did it, how it happened or why...but we have to clean up the mess, now, okay?  Come and help me, and the soonerwe get this cleaned up the sooner we can go to the park, okay?

It might also be good to focus on things he DOES (since he's beating himself up for choices he makes) rather than things he is naturally gifted towards.  DS hates it when I praise his reading and math and says "well, I'm just good at it.  I didn't do anything to be like that!"  so I try to praise things like being a really kind and loving big brother, or when he shares well, or when he listens carefully or is really polite.  He seems to get more pride out of those moments...though when he is particularly creative making up a song or an invention or something and I notice that he positively BEAMS!