If you had a c-section

[neonalee]

I had no idea where to post this. Please move if there is a better place. This is where I usually am posting, so...

DS was 2 weeks late (we are 100% sure about conception date). After 34 hrs of labor without an epi it was determined that his head was turned and he was really wedged in there. Since I didn't (couldn't) have an epi they had to put me under. I found out after everyone else that I had a boy. He was 3 hrs old when I met him. Despite this, the fates were kind. We had no trouble breast feeding, I did not experience ppd, and he is a total mamas boy. But emotionally things are not so easy for me. I love him very much but did not feel bonded until maybe 2 months ago (in addition to not being an "infant person" to begin with). I don't feel like I failed. I just have this deep sadness every now and then, like now when I am lying in bed unable to sleep because of a stomach ache. Does this sadness ever go away? I want to be done shedding tears over this. I am a very practical person and don't doubt the care I was given,it's just the way it happened so why can't I let it go?

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[bessbird]

Please please please look up your local chapter of ICAN as soon as you can.  And please remember that you can and will be a great mom despite your rough start.

My daughter was also an unexpected c-section 3 years ago.  My hospital experience was full of confrontational/unsupportive nurses and lots of unwanted interventions for both of us.  She didn't breastfeed until she was a week old; it took three months of recovery at home before I felt well enough physically to allow myself to start enjoying being a mom.  It's so hard to acknowledge that the day she was born was one of the worst of my life.  There were days when I felt ambivalence towards her as a baby.  And yet we DID bond, and the further we get from her birth, the less that day has to do with my beautiful, bright, happy 3 year old daughter.  I still have an ugly scar and a lot of anger, and I can't tell you where to direct that anger because I haven't figured it out myself either...  

Consider yourself hugged!

[P.J.]

My birth story is very similar. We had planned a home birth, but after green amniotic fluid and hours of weak, ineffective contractions I was still totally closed, so we transferred to the hospital. I did end up getting an epidural...at my request after a night of awful pain and utter exhaustion, so I could sleep. Anyway, after 36 hours my baby's head was also not aligned correctly (there's a name for that, but I forget it) and his heart rate was dropping, so I also had a cesarean.

I know the frustration and disappointment. In addition to the birth plan gone awry, BFing did not work for a couple weeks after the birth due to blood loss, so there we were feeding formula in the first week! It really is shocking when you'd imagined something totally different.

I have done various therapy sessions, both emotional / talk and massage, but to be truly honest with you I still carry some negative feelings about it all. I wish I had a solution for you, other than just make sure you do something, like get counseling or contact ICAN. Good luck!

[neonalee]

Thanks mamas. As always it's good to hear from others. I will look into it after we move.

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[_ktg_]

Come over and join many of us who have had c/sections over here on the C/S recovery & support thread! 

Personally I've had 2 c/sections (the second was VBAC attempt) and the sadness doesn't go away per se, but you learn to cope and live with it like anything or anyone we mourn. 

*hugs*

[crystal_buffaloe]

I do feel like I failed, and I do sometimes doubt the care I was given, and it's been tempting several times over the last 11 months to think that I'd feel/process differently if either of those things weren't true. But to be honest, the way you give birth matters and the experience of it is important. Even if it was absolutely medically necessary, and even if, as you said, it's over, I still think there's a fundamental difference in experiencing a birth that was empowering and transforming versus experiencing one that was not.

It's really, really, really hard being so totally disassociated from the birth of your firstborn baby -- I didn't feel like it was something I "did" as much as something that just happened to me -- and then they brought me a washed and swaddled baby 4 hours later like a present. The other thing that was really hard for me is the feeling like no one in real life understands. It is what it is and it did happen, and really I just have to live with it -- like, I'd like to just put it in a box and put it away, but it's always kind of there -- maybe not painful, exactly and certainly not at the forefront of my mind, but it does surface -- especially late at night, when there I am, reading stories on the internet and crying.

As to when the sadness goes away, I can't answer that because it hasn't (yet). At the very first, it would surface every day, and then every few days. Around 6 months I also wanted to ask "when will this stop?" because I'd cry on the way home from work, or in the middle of the night, maybe once a week still, and then it was every few weeks, and now we're at 11 months and I still think about it, and I'm still sad about it, but it's not as intense, and it's less often still.

I hope you get some answers to your questions.

[greenmulberry]

I had 40 hours of induction that failed and resulted in a c section when the baby was in increasing distress.

I cried a lot after wards about my failure to have a vaginal birth. I prepared with Bradley classes, read all the natural birth books, tried everything to induce naturally, and nothing worked. I cannot go into the pregnancy forum anymore because I get so angry when over due moms discussing possible induction are told to "just have sex, that will dilate you!!" because I was having sex every day past 40 weeks and it didn't dilate me any at all. It just makes me so mad that I followed all the 'rules' for how to prepare and how to help your body go into labor and nothing even made me dilate one cm!!!!

Anyway, it doesn't bother me anymore as long as I avoid conversations about labor and delivery. It is what it is. For me the best thing I could do was to just move forward and focus on the baby because that is how I deal with stress. That's just me though, everyone has to figure out what works for them self!

[Twinklefae]

  That sounds really stressful and hard, and thumbs up to you for making it through.  I agree that seeking out support, whether online or in person is a great idea.  But I wanted to post mostly to let you know that a delay in bonding can happen no matter what.  My second is almost 2 months old and was born completely natural in 2 pushes 6 min after we arrived at the hospital.  But I'm only just now starting to really bond with her in the way I am bonded to my son.  For some people sometimes it takes a lot longer to get 'there'.

[MeepyCat]

Neonalee, have you been evaluated for post-partum depression?  The deep sadness that you talk about sounds very familiar to me.

[maberrysx5]

I had two c-sections and still struggle with sadness, even though it was 7 and 5 years ago now.  ((hugs))  it's hard, but do look up a IRL support group or therapy. 

[Magali]

Originally Posted by Twinklefae 

  That sounds really stressful and hard, and thumbs up to you for making it through.  I agree that seeking out support, whether online or in person is a great idea.  But I wanted to post mostly to let you know that a delay in bonding can happen no matter what.  My second is almost 2 months old and was born completely natural in 2 pushes 6 min after we arrived at the hospital.  But I'm only just now starting to really bond with her in the way I am bonded to my son.  For some people sometimes it takes a lot longer to get 'there'.

I was going to say the same thing about bonding.  It took me close to 2 months to bond with dd.  I loved her and cared for her 100%, but there was something missing.  It took me saying it out loud to my dh how I was feeling about her for my bonding to kick in.  And he reminded me that is the same way I had felt with our fist DC.
 

[howeberry]

Quote:

Originally Posted by greenmulberry 

I had 40 hours of induction that failed and resulted in a c section when the baby was in increasing distress.

I cried a lot after wards about my failure to have a vaginal birth. I prepared with Bradley classes, read all the natural birth books, tried everything to induce naturally, and nothing worked. I cannot go into the pregnancy forum anymore because I get so angry when over due moms discussing possible induction are told to "just have sex, that will dilate you!!" because I was having sex every day past 40 weeks and it didn't dilate me any at all. It just makes me so mad that I followed all the 'rules' for how to prepare and how to help your body go into labor and nothing even made me dilate one cm!!!!

This sounds just like me. I think failed inductions followed by c-sections are the worst, especially when you're trying for natural (I was also trying for a home birth). 

I found talking to my childbirth teacher helped. She's also a doula and in class she told us about what to expect, good and bad, so it was nice hearing from her that she agreed with my midwives' decision - a c-section was my only option.
 

[Ravin]

Both my births were C-sections. With my son (recent), I had a similarly long labor,--started at 41 wks 6 days--at home, which ended with an ambulance ride after my water broke and DS's heart rate dropped dramatically. I'd been pushing for an hour. We had another trial of labor in the hospital with an epidural (as after the adrenaline rush and not sleeping much for 3 days my pain management skills had gone out the window) and oxygen to keep his heart rate up. He still didn't budge, and it ended in C-section. Like your son, he was turned funny (in my case, a bit LOA). At the surgery we learned that he also had has hands up by his head (apparently he was trying to dive out), and the cord wrapped around his shoulder so that he was stuck and really couldn't shift position; he wasn't going anywhere.

I actually don't feel bad about it; I personally and the team of care providers I had (both at home and in the hospital) did everything possible to make a VBAC happen, and it was a necessary surgery, in my assessment. I didn't get to meet DS until a couple of hours after he was born because he had aspirated meconium and they kept him to watch his breathing for a while; though they tried to give me a glimpse of him in the operating room, I had the shakes really bad and had to focus on just breathing.

The surgery with my daughter's birth was a very different story. I was coerced (I feel) into an induction at 41 wks 5 days, for no reason other than that I hadn't gone into labor yet (I also had "high amniotic fluid levels" but research on that after the fact found it not much of a good reason--had same issue with DS, and midwife didn't feel it warranted any extra concern at all), I had a lot of anger around that birth, the recovery was difficult (much more so than my recovery with my son), I had trouble bf'ing DD at first, partly because of forced separation because she was jaundiced (on a less than completely bf-ing friendly schedule). I did get depressed. I don't think I had trouble attaching to DD, but I erred very much on the side of not letting her attach to anyone ELSE at first--I'd hardly let DH or my mom or anyone even hold him much, never mind comfort her, change a diaper, etc. I made more stress for myself as a result.

Don't beat yourself up over feeling slow to attach to your son. And do seek out a birth circle or I-Can group to talk about the trauma around your birth.

There are seven years between DD and DS. It took at least half that for me to really start to get over how things went with DD, and make peace with it. It will get better, but it will take time. Trauma, even when others see it as "routine" or simply a joyful event (birth is birth, etc.), is still trauma to the one who feels it. It's ok to grieve for the birth experience you didn't get and had expected/hoped for/wanted. It's ok also not to be a "baby person."

[the janet]

Originally Posted by P.J. 

my baby's head was also not aligned correctly (there's a name for that, but I forget it)

Is the word you're looking for "asynclitic"?

It's too bad that we feel the way we do, but it's somewhat comforting to know that we're not alone in the feeling.

The shock of having the unwanted c-section, trying to recover from the fatigue, and being alone at night made the initial postpartum period less-than-ideal emotionally. I realized that I didn't feel that strong postpartum bond with him after a couple weeks, which I thought was odd b/c I felt such a strong bond with him when I was pregnant. I felt robbed by the birth experience. I also started to feel extreme guilt that I couldn't birth him naturally and that he had to go through the shocking experience of the surgery, then be separated from me numerous times.

But even worse than that is I placed some blame for the c-section on him!

My doula said we had tried everything we could to try to get him out naturally, so I started to look at what was wrong with him. He was a big baby for my petite frame and he had very strong neck control and legs from the start, so I'm pretty sure he fought the contractions and the midwives' attempts to move his head into the right position. I kept thinking if he was smaller and less feisty, things would've ended up progressing better.

But after I recovered from the procedure and the extreme fatigue, the cloud started to lift.  He'll be 4 months on Wednesday and I am completely enamored with him. I would do anything for the little guy. The only sadness or regret I feel now is that he's growing up so quickly and will be more a little boy than a baby soon enough.

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by the janet 

Is the word you're looking for "asynclitic"?

Yes, that's it!

[the janet]

My son was asynclitic, too, despite numerous attempts to get him in a good position...hence, my horrible tendency to place blame on him in the early postpartum days.

[ann_of_loxley]

I had a slightly better experience in that my first section (for breech and me being uninformed first time mum) - I was awake for it and heard and saw everything...

and my second section (overtired long hard labour and a 12lbs 4oz baby - no GD...I just grow em big - DS1 was 10 and a half pounds! lol)...whilst I had to be knocked out as epi failed (three attempts!) my MW was there with me, took pictures of everything AND respected my wishes to put baby to my breast right away - he had his first feed whilst I was still knocked out...

I still feel like crying.  I still feel sad.  No I do not think this feeling will ever go away.  It went away when we were trying for our second - when a homebirth was booked...but it is back since it failed...and honestly, the only cure for me is to have a vaginal birth...which kinda sucks.  I love my boys but I would like to feel 'done' iykwim.  I would like to feel like this is it - this is our family completed.  But I don't feel complete...at all...So in about 4-5 years time (the gap I enjoy and like and would highly recommend! lol)...we will be trying for our third. 

Some people have asked me what would happen if that failed too - what if I had to have another section...I don't even want to think about it...  

I don't see how I can heal this on the inside.  I keep thinking what kind of mother in law and grandmother I will be - feeling that loss and sorrow - watching my daughters in law get what I never had...I couldn't do it....I need a vaginal birth to be the best mother in law and grandmother I know I can be...at least that is how I feel about it now...

whew - there it is...my whole lifes thoughts and feelings on a plate! lol

[neonalee]

Thanks so much for sharing mamas. I have only been online in bits lately and just saw the additional posts today. I haven't been evaluated but I feel confident I do not have ppd. I will check out the support thread when I have a little more time.

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