AGAIN: Could be triggering for domestic violence victims because it goes into some details of a DV situation I went through last week!
Also, there is a "TL;DR" version at the bottom...
Life is really hard right now, and so I have made my way back to this site because I've always found help here. This is probably going to get long, but hopefully someone will read it and if nothing else just be someone to "listen" (read, whatever) because I need that.
I've been out as pansexual for about ten years now, though when I first came out I claimed I was bisexual because I didn't know what pansexuality was. Over those ten years I've gone through a lot of times where I questioned my sexuality and kept trying to figure out exactly where I fit into this whole spectrum of things. About 5 months ago, after developing some major feelings for a close woman friend (while I was married to a man), I decided to seek counseling. About a month after I started working the situation out in my head with my therapist I found out that I was pregnant. This was my second marriage and third child, the first two live with my ex-husband because when we went to court over custody I wasn't in a stable living environment with a stable job and I knew that they were better off staying with him the majority of the time because he could provide things I couldn't and was/is an amazing father.
About a month and a half ago I finally worked out all of my emotions, which were even more crazy because of the pregnancy hormones, and took a deep breath in therapy and just said, "So I'm gay..." To be honest it wasn't easy for me to say because coming out as bisexual in this society, especially for a woman, isn't nearly as hard as coming out as being homosexual. I spent the next week or two talking a lot to my very close friends and telling them that I thought I was gay and coming out to a few close people in my family. And then a few weeks ago (3 or so) I decided it was time I told my husband. He was INSANELY supportive. I cried and told him that if I could change things and be attracted to him and want to be with him...I would, but that I was confused and didn't know what to make of my feelings anymore. He told me that if that was the case that we would find a way to keep our family close and in tact even if that meant me leaving him and being with women.
Then he asked me if I liked someone, and I lied. I told him that I didn't, because despite how he was acting right then I also know that his temper and jealousy would creep up if he had any idea of who it was because it was a close friend I had been spending a lot of time with.
At one point I was considering leaving him, which hurt me inside, and went to a lesbian forum and asked for some advice when it came to the girl I had feelings for. I knew that if I said I was married, even if I explained that I was leaving him and had no intentions of acting on my feelings with this woman until we weren't together, that the people there (I've been on the site for years off and on) would shrug me off and basically tell me I was a confused straight girl and to go back to my husband. So instead I made my post there sound as if the person and I were already kind of dating.
Then this past Wednesday I decided to sit the girl I liked down, and tell her that my husband and I were moving. I was trying to run away from my problems, I realize that now, and I was just trying to forget she ever existed and was hoping it would change my feelings...and my sexuality. But I knew it wouldn't. So I was extremely sad trying to tell her that I was moving and apologizing about it. I knew she had feelings for me too, so it was extremely hard for both of us. She took it well and we hung out that night during our weekly game night at a friend's house. My husband had to work and didn't come.
I got a call after he was out of work, and when I answered he said "Hello ____" the blank was the username I was using on the lesbian forum. He had found the post I made and since I had made it sound like this girl and I were seeing each other...he was pissed because he thought I was cheating. Let me make one thing clear, I'm NOT a cheater. Period. Did/do I have feelings for this girl? Absolutely! But I would have left him before I tried pursuing anything with her, I don't cheat...end of story. But the post made it seem otherwise and I realized at that moment that I had messed up. He kept yelling and cursing at me, so loud that my friend could hear it outside where she was smoking...which meant she could hear it through two rooms and a front door. He wanted to talk, and I told him that if we could just do that (talk) and try and be adults, that things would make more sense.
He met me outside of my friend's apartment and I got in his car and asked him to pull over in the parking lot so we could talk. He starts yelling and crying and asking how I could cheat on him. I told him if he would calm down I could explain and that we just needed to park and talk. But he wanted to drive around. We went out of the parking lot and down the road and I quickly was freaked out by his erratic driving and I asked him to pull over at the McDonalds. Once we parked he just kept yelling in my face that I was a stupid whore and that I ruined his life and asking "Who is she?!" He wouldn't stop yelling long enough for me to talk to him and try to explain things. I wanted to explain that I made that forum post weeks ago and that I had all intentions of moving with him to Jacksonville and I just wanted him to be happy. But he wouldn't stop yelling. At that point he grabbed me by my hair and started pushing my face against the passenger side window. I started trying to get out of the car and he locked it. Then proceeded to hold me by my hair, put his hand on my mouth and then my belly and said, "I will kill this baby. I will kill this baby _InsertMyName_. You don't deserve to have my baby in you!"
I FREAKED OUT at that point and was absolutely hysterical to the point that all I remember is that he started driving and I don't remember half of what happened in the ride down the road, all I can vaguely remember is him continuing to call me a whore and pulling my hair. Also him hitting the steering wheel so hard the wipers turned on and he never turned them back off. He pulled into a little dirt parking lot, jumped out of the car, and started yelling that he didn't have anything to live for and he walked out onto the road and tried to get cars to hit him. At this point my mind was completely coherent again so I started coming up with a plan to get the heck out of there. I kept crying and yelling for him to get out of the road and I started trying to flag down cars to help me. Next thing I know he's pulling me by my hair and putting his hand over my mouth so that I can't breathe well. I got loose from him and he calmed down and said, "You know what, just get back in the car and I'll take you back." Which really scared me because I had a gut feeling that if I got in the car I'd never be seen again or I'd wind up in the hospital. So I went the other direction (towards town) and tried to call 911, at which point he grabbed my phone and broke it on the ground.
After that I just screamed for help until the point that I urinated on myself from being so scared and yelling so hard. Eventually a car stopped and within some time the cops showed up.
Whew, okay so yea...this got VERY long. One thing that has made this all easier to deal with is that the girl I had/have feelings for has been nothing but a massive lump of support throughout this entire situation. She has been there with me for court dates, she has been a shoulder to cry on (and I'm not a crier so crying in front of her is a BIG deal), and she even took me with her out of town this weekend so that I could try and ease my mind until my next court date on Tuesday. She's been amazing.
TL;DR:
I'm pregnant with my third child. I had feelings for a girl and came out to my husband, he was supportive. I made an online post that made it sound like I was dating her, which I wasn't, he found it and flipped without letting me explain. During said "flipping" he abused me and threatened our unborn child so I now have a restraining order and he has pending criminal charges. The girl I had/have feelings for is by my side for all of this, though we're not dating yet, and I have some questions about my rights and whatnot. The TL;DR doesn't really do justice to this long post...
I don't think I'm 100% ready for any kind of relationship right now though because of this entire situation. But because I do like her, and she likes me...I have a lot on my mind...specifically the fact that I'm a mom. I know there's a chance she won't even be in my life come October (when I'm due), but on the chance that she is (and I hope she is!)...I have a lot of questions. Should I invite her into the room while I'm birthing? Should she be there with me as I'm raising the baby? Should I refrain from being affectionate with her around the baby? I've been in gay relationships before, but never during a fragile time such as pregnancy...
And I don't know how laws work when it comes to gay rights vs straight rights. For instance, during a separation period (I live in NC where you must be separated one year before a divorce) you're not supposed to live with someone of the opposite sex. But it says nothing about same sex, and NC doesn't really "acknowledge" same sex relationships...so is that still a no-no?
Are there resources for LGBT in NC that I can talk to about things like legalities and just having some support?
Sorry so long, life and all is crazy right now...
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