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Newbie, in need of support... (could be triggering for domestic violence victims)

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 

AGAIN: Could be triggering for domestic violence victims because it goes into some details of a DV situation I went through last week!

Also, there is a "TL;DR" version at the bottom...


Life is really hard right now, and so I have made my way back to this site because I've always found help here. This is probably going to get long, but hopefully someone will read it and if nothing else just be someone to "listen" (read, whatever) because I need that.


I've been out as pansexual for about ten years now, though when I first came out I claimed I was bisexual because I didn't know what pansexuality was. Over those ten years I've gone through a lot of times where I questioned my sexuality and kept trying to figure out exactly where I fit into this whole spectrum of things. About 5 months ago, after developing some major feelings for a close woman friend (while I was married to a man), I decided to seek counseling. About a month after I started working the situation out in my head with my therapist I found out that I was pregnant. This was my second marriage and third child, the first two live with my ex-husband because when we went to court over custody I wasn't in a stable living environment with a stable job and I knew that they were better off staying with him the majority of the time because he could provide things I couldn't and was/is an amazing father.


About a month and a half ago I finally worked out all of my emotions, which were even more crazy because of the pregnancy hormones, and took a deep breath in therapy and just said, "So I'm gay..." To be honest it wasn't easy for me to say because coming out as bisexual in this society, especially for a woman, isn't nearly as hard as coming out as being homosexual. I spent the next week or two talking a lot to my very close friends and telling them that I thought I was gay and coming out to a few close people in my family. And then a few weeks ago (3 or so) I decided it was time I told my husband. He was INSANELY supportive. I cried and told him that if I could change things and be attracted to him and want to be with him...I would, but that I was confused and didn't know what to make of my feelings anymore. He told me that if that was the case that we would find a way to keep our family close and in tact even if that meant me leaving him and being with women.

Then he asked me if I liked someone, and I lied. I told him that I didn't, because despite how he was acting right then I also know that his temper and jealousy would creep up if he had any idea of who it was because it was a close friend I had been spending a lot of time with.


At one point I was considering leaving him, which hurt me inside, and went to a lesbian forum and asked for some advice when it came to the girl I had feelings for. I knew that if I said I was married, even if I explained that I was leaving him and had no intentions of acting on my feelings with this woman until we weren't together, that the people there (I've been on the site for years off and on) would shrug me off and basically tell me I was a confused straight girl and to go back to my husband. So instead I made my post there sound as if the person and I were already kind of dating.


Then this past Wednesday I decided to sit the girl I liked down, and tell her that my husband and I were moving. I was trying to run away from my problems, I realize that now, and I was just trying to forget she ever existed and was hoping it would change my feelings...and my sexuality. But I knew it wouldn't. So I was extremely sad trying to tell her that I was moving and apologizing about it. I knew she had feelings for me too, so it was extremely hard for both of us. She took it well and we hung out that night during our weekly game night at a friend's house. My husband had to work and didn't come.


I got a call after he was out of work, and when I answered he said "Hello ____" the blank was the username I was using on the lesbian forum. He had found the post I made and since I had made it sound like this girl and I were seeing each other...he was pissed because he thought I was cheating. Let me make one thing clear, I'm NOT a cheater. Period. Did/do I have feelings for this girl? Absolutely! But I would have left him before I tried pursuing anything with her, I don't cheat...end of story. But the post made it seem otherwise and I realized at that moment that I had messed up. He kept yelling and cursing at me, so loud that my friend could hear it outside where she was smoking...which meant she could hear it through two rooms and a front door. He wanted to talk, and I told him that if we could just do that (talk) and try and be adults, that things would make more sense.


He met me outside of my friend's apartment and I got in his car and asked him to pull over in the parking lot so we could talk. He starts yelling and crying and asking how I could cheat on him. I told him if he would calm down I could explain and that we just needed to park and talk. But he wanted to drive around. We went out of the parking lot and down the road and I quickly was freaked out by his erratic driving and I asked him to pull over at the McDonalds. Once we parked he just kept yelling in my face that I was a stupid whore and that I ruined his life and asking "Who is she?!" He wouldn't stop yelling long enough for me to talk to him and try to explain things. I wanted to explain that I made that forum post weeks ago and that I had all intentions of moving with him to Jacksonville and I just wanted him to be happy. But he wouldn't stop yelling. At that point he grabbed me by my hair and started pushing my face against the passenger side window. I started trying to get out of the car and he locked it. Then proceeded to hold me by my hair, put his hand on my mouth and then my belly and said, "I will kill this baby. I will kill this baby _InsertMyName_. You don't deserve to have my baby in you!"


I FREAKED OUT at that point and was absolutely hysterical to the point that all I remember is that he started driving and I don't remember half of what happened in the ride down the road, all I can vaguely remember is him continuing to call me a whore and pulling my hair. Also him hitting the steering wheel so hard the wipers turned on and he never turned them back off. He pulled into a little dirt parking lot, jumped out of the car, and started yelling that he didn't have anything to live for and he walked out onto the road and tried to get cars to hit him. At this point my mind was completely coherent again so I started coming up with a plan to get the heck out of there. I kept crying and yelling for him to get out of the road and I started trying to flag down cars to help me. Next thing I know he's pulling me by my hair and putting his hand over my mouth so that I can't breathe well. I got loose from him and he calmed down and said, "You know what, just get back in the car and I'll take you back." Which really scared me because I had a gut feeling that if I got in the car I'd never be seen again or I'd wind up in the hospital. So I went the other direction (towards town) and tried to call 911, at which point he grabbed my phone and broke it on the ground.


After that I just screamed for help until the point that I urinated on myself from being so scared and yelling so hard. Eventually a car stopped and within some time the cops showed up.



Whew, okay so yea...this got VERY long. One thing that has made this all easier to deal with is that the girl I had/have feelings for has been nothing but a massive lump of support throughout this entire situation. She has been there with me for court dates, she has been a shoulder to cry on (and I'm not a crier so crying in front of her is a BIG deal), and she even took me with her out of town this weekend so that I could try and ease my mind until my next court date on Tuesday. She's been amazing.


I'm pregnant with my third child. I had feelings for a girl and came out to my husband, he was supportive. I made an online post that made it sound like I was dating her, which I wasn't, he found it and flipped without letting me explain. During said "flipping" he abused me and threatened our unborn child so I now have a restraining order and he has pending criminal charges. The girl I had/have feelings for is by my side for all of this, though we're not dating yet, and I have some questions about my rights and whatnot. The TL;DR doesn't really do justice to this long post...



I don't think I'm 100% ready for any kind of relationship right now though because of this entire situation. But because I do like her, and she likes me...I have a lot on my mind...specifically the fact that I'm a mom. I know there's a chance she won't even be in my life come October (when I'm due), but on the chance that she is (and I hope she is!)...I have a lot of questions. Should I invite her into the room while I'm birthing? Should she be there with me as I'm raising the baby? Should I refrain from being affectionate with her around the baby? I've been in gay relationships before, but never during a fragile time such as pregnancy...

And I don't know how laws work when it comes to gay rights vs straight rights. For instance, during a separation period (I live in NC where you must be separated one year before a divorce) you're not supposed to live with someone of the opposite sex. But it says nothing about same sex, and NC doesn't really "acknowledge" same sex relationships...so is that still a no-no?
Are there resources for LGBT in NC that I can talk to about things like legalities and just having some support?



Sorry so long, life and all is crazy right now...

post #2 of 9
Wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this... While I don't really have any advice or info about NC law, I just wanted to offer my virtual ear and shoulder. Sending you much love and light. XO
post #3 of 9

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this as well. If the DV persists please reach out locally for support and safety to a woman's shelter, etc. For legal help, I would recommend contacting the National Center for Lesbian's Rights helpline: http://www.nclrights.org/site/PageServer?pagename=legal_getHelp or by calling 415.392.6257 or toll-free 1.800.528.6257. I believe they can provide legal information in each state. Really, really wonderful resource.


Wishing you peace and healing.

post #4 of 9
Thread Starter 
@wehrli: Thank you so much hun, *hugs*

@julietea8: Thanks for the site and phone numbers, I'm going to give them a call tomorrow after court and see what advice they may be able to give me in this whole crazy situation. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day I get my permanent restraining order (right now it's an ex-parte order), but Legal Aid is saying I should ask for a continuance so they can review my case. Long road ahead...
Edited by cakahy - 4/19/11 at 4:52am
post #5 of 9

Whoa Cakahy.  This is a crazy, horrifying story.  I'm so, so sorry you are experiencing this difficult time right now.  


Unfortunately I don't know much on the gay rights side of this story, so I'm not a lot of help there. 


As far as the woman you have feelings for and the relationship side of things, I have a few opinions which you are welcome to do with what you will.  First off, I think that this relationship (even if you don't know what it is, it's still a relationship because you are connected to one another now, even if through a thin thread) is just like any other in that communication is so important.  I think that first and foremost it's important to explain to her where you are and what you are thinking and feeling and what, if any, expectations you have.  Having an open dialogue with her might help her feel more comfortable in this crazy situation.  Regarding the 'mom' side, my fear with asking her to become very involved would be that she might feel obligated to do so.  You shouldn't feel guilty in any way, but this woman might have the feeling that since this whole thing happened with your husband because you have feelings for *her*, she is beholden to be with you.  Obviously I don't know that, but it would be a worry if I were in your shoes.  


On the other side of the fence, she might really want to be involved and help.  She may have very strong feelings for you and want to be with you.  If this is the case, she should be able to participate in as much or as little of the pregnancy/birth/child-rearing as you both wish.  


I can't speak for all homosexual couples, but my wife and I are still affectionate and loving towards one another when around the kids.  We don't have our own biological children yet, but we are foster parents and the kids aren't bothered by it, nor do they seem to find it strange.  We feel like it's important to model for our children what good relationships are, and how love can look like virtually anything.  We hope to raise them with open enough minds to not see things in the black and white our society would sometimes prefer we exemplify.  


Ultimately, you and your lady are in charge of what happens here and now.  Your opinions are the most important ones, and I hope that you feel the strength and support you need in order to make some of these really difficult choices.  


Truly, I hope that this terrible ordeal ends as cleanly and quickly as possible for you.  Just think, going through something like this has got to earn you something truly GREAT sometime soon.  :)  


Keep your chin to the sunshine.  

post #6 of 9

I think your questions depend a lot about what this girl you have feelings wants. Do you both want a serious relationship with eachother now or in the near future? If you two are going to be in a serious relationship then I would not see why you would want to abstain from being affectionate with her around your child. The child will always be you and your husbands, but this girl could definitel play the role of a step parent, no different than if you would have imagined a step father. You definitely dont have todecide everything right now, a lot can happen beween now and Ocober, but ifwhen the time comes you want her in the birthing room with you, ask her if she would like to be there with you. I know I want my partner there with me, couldnt do it without her! It sounds like she has been there for you a lot recently. I'm glad you have been so brave throught everything and I wish you the best!! Sorry I dont know anything about the laws there.

post #7 of 9
Thread Starter 
@DesertSunsets : I definitely have had the worry about her feeling obligated to be with me now that he and I have separated. I haven't talked to her about it at this point, but it has crossed my mind more than a few times. I try and make it clear that we don't have to hang out as much as we are and I also have apologized to her for kind of getting her caught up in the middle of all of this drama. I know I hate when people have me in their drama, so I figured she probably felt the same. She just responded (the more than a few times that I have apologized at this point) that the situation was a weird one from day one and she knew what she was getting into and for me to not worry so much. It's hard not to worry though, especially in the situation that I've found (put...) myself in. Whenever I first asked her if she liked me in return, because life was crazy and I just needed to know, I kept reminding her about how I also have two children with my ex-husband and kept telling her that it was a "big deal" to date me and put up with it all and that if she didn't want to, she didn't have to. But she seems to really want to be with me, which makes me seriously seriously happy. Honestly, she's kind of my rock right now...I have other friends who have helped me IMMENSELY in this whole messed up situation, but she has been my emotional support. She's the one I cuddle up to and am able to push all the bad thoughts out of my head and just relax and be happy. And man, clearing my head is something that is hard to do these days. She's going to spend time with family in Ohio from Thursday to Sunday-ish and then after next week she is probably headed to her parent's house for the Summer (according to if she finds a job there vs here) and will be 45ish minutes away...and the thought of that has terrified me about because it's taking away the one stable thing I have in my life right now other than my children...and you just can't go crying to a 4 year old or 2 year old lol. It's not that far from here, but when I'm completely broke with no job (jobs are hard to come by when you're preggers) that's a LONG way to have to drive. But she'll be back after the Summer.
Anyways, thanks for the kind words smile.gif

@CrystalPerez : "If you two are going to be in a serious relationship then I would not see why you would want to abstain from being affectionate with her around your child."
I definitely think we're planning, at least it seems, to have something more serious in the future. She seems to be the relationship kind of person, and I'm definitely a relationship kind of person. I think the reason I brought up that question was just to have someone tell me it's okay...because I had one friend basically tell me it would be confusing to the baby (or moreso when they reach toddler age) to see mommy cuddled up with a girl whenever daddy is "supposed to be" the one who cuddles with girls. Then again that friend isn't exactly the most gay-friendly person in the world so not sure why I was listening to his two cents to begin with.

"I know I want my partner there with me, couldnt do it without her!"
That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. I can't imagine going to have the baby and her NOT being there. This may sound really bad, but even before all of this happened...I never wanted my husband to be there when I delivered. I've had some issues in the past with people making me feel just very awkward while I'm in labor, and it really hindered the whole process. And I just knew he was going to give me that awkward kind of feeling. But something about having this girl there just seems...natural...? It's like...when I was with him the baby was just kind of "there". We knew that the baby was in there, but we never really did anything...every once in a while he would put his head down and try to talk through my belly, but honestly I always felt kind of weird when he did it. Not that it's abnormal, I think talking to your unborn child is completely ok and I do it sometimes...it was the way he did it that just always made me feel really weird. But anyways, the point is that he never really wanted to do things like rub my belly (unless someone else rubbed it first, which seemed like he was jealous) and he seemed to want me to stay in bed all day as if I was suddenly disabled. This girl though...I don't know...we just lay in her bed and watch my belly move around and she rubs it and instead of it feeling like she's jealous it seems like she actually cares that there's a baby in there. And we go out and do stuff instead of just laying in bed. Honestly, it's the way I hoped a pregnancy always would go, because my ex-husband was extremely disinterested in my other two pregnancies. This is the first time where someone seems to care that I'm pregnant. She helps to remind me to take my prenatals, she jokingly calls it "her baby" and idk...just seems right to have her there when I deliver.

But I've written another mini-novel so I'll end there lol.
Thanks for being supportive <3

post #8 of 9

Well i'm glad to be the one to reassure you that it is definitely okay to be affectionate with her! I mean we as adults know that it is the 'norm' for men and women to be togethr but a todler wont know, and when the baby is old enough to know the difference it will all depend on how you have raised her/him,uyou willbprobably raise the child to know that it is okay and normal for girls to cuddle with girls vice versa. MUCH luck to you! i hope your pregnanncy and birthing experience is pleasant and enjoyable! :)

post #9 of 9
Thread Starter 
So I just wanted to give a little update on this post...

The girl I liked asked me if we were dating because we were together pretty much 24/7, so we discussed it and decided that we're definitely dating. This happened about 2 days after I posted here haha. I told her that after all of this stuff with my ex- I'm not wanting to get into a relationship and rush things, so we're taking our time together completely slow. For instance, most people have at least kissed before they make a relationship "official" but I didn't kiss her until about a week after we had been dating. And since then we've only kissed maybe 8 or 9 times.

But you know how sometimes you're just not expecting what life is going to throw at you? How sometimes the universe's plan is bigger than your own? That's been happening. Last week she left to go stay with her parents for the summer. We had a very emotional time right before she left because we were having a lot of discussions about important things. So I went to drop her off and I had given her a kiss goodbye and then we started talking about how I would come and visit her for her birthday. Next thing I know, I started crying. I don't usually cry in front of people (I just don't), but I just knew I was going to miss this girl like crazy. I've never gotten that way with someone before. So there I am, crying...and then I start rambling about her birthday trying to distract from the fact that my eyes are getting all bloodshot and my nose is turning bright red...and she interrupted me to kiss me.

To put it simply, and I may sound crazy, but I fell in love with her at that exact moment. I've had some crazy titanium 50 foot high walls built up around my heart for YEARS. I mean, even before my first marriage I had these walls built up where I was just insanely afraid of getting hurt. And with one kiss she managed to tear them all down...
which in and of itself scared the daylights out of me. And I don't know, I just knew that I had just fallen in love. I've been friends with this girl for a while, so I guess the feelings have just been building and that was the moment they completely surfaced.

Since we're taking things slow I'm not telling her yet. I think I'm going to wait until she gets back from her parents...which is in very late July to early August. But yea...I don't know, life threw me a curve ball from hell >_<<br />
Which is making all these decisions even more interesting because now we're definitely together, and we definitely have plans on trying to make this a long term thing. So now the questions I have in my head about what to do when the baby comes are just all over the place. I mean, we will have been dating about 6 months when I have the baby...and I don't know if that's "too soon" to ask her to be in the delivery room with me. But at the same time I can't imagine being there without her.

Why does life do these things?
Not complaining that I have feelings like this, but life sure just got a bit more complicated...
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