Grandparents: do you discourage favorites?

[NicaG]

My kids have three grandparents: my parents and dh's mom. We do not live near any of them. Dh's mom is generally much friendlier with the kids, they like talking to her on the phone, she makes sure to pick out presents they will like. She's the favorite. And she's great, I like her a lot and wish she lived closer.

My own parents...they have always been stingy with attention, gift, money. With me, and now with my kids. Now, my kids do not have much interest in them. My ds asks why their gifts are so boring, and why grandma dominates the conversations on the phone and isn't much fun to talk to. I try to gloss over it. But should I be doing more? I sometimes try to hint at gifts the kids might like, but my mom ignores me. I have suggested sh could send letters to the kids, but when she does, they are just all about her. I don't blame my kids for not taking an interest in grandma and grandpa. Frankly, they are pretty self-centered.

Should I be doing more to promote a better relationship? How should I answer when my ds asks why they rarely send presents? Or why they rarely visit? (my mom only visits if I pay for a plane ticket.) I'm a little fed up with my parents' lack of interest, but I just don't feel like fighting with them about it. What would you do here?

[laohaire]

I think you're doing fine. You're not talking bad about them, but the idea that you are supposed to be your parents' cheerleader is not really useful. Your children should grow up to make their own decisions about people, and they have every right to be not particularly interested in people who are not particularly interested in them.

The only thing I think you shouldn't do - and you're not, clearly - is things like "oh, who is your favorite grandma?" or things like that. And of course I would defend a grandparent in cases when the intent is clearly good but fell flat (an interested grandparent giving a present that didn't go over so well). But you don't have to be your parents' apologist; they are responsible for their relationship with the grandkids.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

But you don't have to be your parents' apologist; they are responsible for their relationship with the grandkids.

Exactly.

It's not your job to make a relationship where (it sounds like) there is none. I would just do your best not to stand in their way when/if they do make an effort, and not talk badly about them around the kids.

If they ask why they ask why they rarely visit or whatever, you could say, "I don't know, why don't you ask Grandma?" or something to that effect.

[Alyantavid]

You can't force a relationship with grandparents.  I've tried and tried to get my kids and my Dad to do things together, to make my kids available to Dad.  But he has no interest.  So I dropped it completely.  When they ask why we can't go to Papa's, I try to give them the basic reason without flat out lying (Papa's busy instead of Papa's doing something he feels is more important). 

I think you're doing just fine.  Kids go with what they know and they obviously know your mil better.  And that's ok, she's putting effort into the relationship.

[lookatreestar]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

I think you're doing fine. You're not talking bad about them, but the idea that you are supposed to be your parents' cheerleader is not really useful. Your children should grow up to make their own decisions about people, and they have every right to be not particularly interested in people who are not particularly interested in them.

The only thing I think you shouldn't do - and you're not, clearly - is things like "oh, who is your favorite grandma?" or things like that. And of course I would defend a grandparent in cases when the intent is clearly good but fell flat (an interested grandparent giving a present that didn't go over so well). But you don't have to be your parents' apologist; they are responsible for their relationship with the grandkids.

[new2this]

The way I see it, it is the grandparents or whoever else's job to make that connection with the child. And as parents we just provide the oppurtinuties to have that option but not do the actual work in making sure they make that connection. 

I know growing up we just liked my maternal grandparents better. They were nicer and fun. The other set well I hated my grandma and hated going over there when she would watch us. 

Same with DD's grandparents. My parents do all sorts of stuff as much as they can compared to DH's. They all live 2000 miles away so its hard but my parents make a point to do skype and things like that or make visits. His family its kinda whatever. Now i know DD is still young but from teh looks of it my parents will be her favorite and well I am okay with that. Because when it comes down to it DH's family is just messed up. But DH has also said for him growing up grandparents weren't important. Where as for me growing up my best memories are going and spending time with mine at the cabin adn stuff as young as 2. They were a huge part of my life.