I really messed this up. Advice?

[dmariev]

Ok so DD is 22mo, happy, healthy, developing well. I still BF, though I am hoping to wean SOON. My problem- I wanted to go for the whole AP thing, and it seems I messed up somewhere in there. She has to be with me 24/7, I haven't gone on a date with my husband since I was pregnant, I haven't gone out to get my hair done, or have a coffee date with a friend. That's right- in 2 years, I have not been away from my DD. I'm not saying I WANT to be away from her, but sheesh- momma needs a break. I seem to have done so many things the wrong way, and I don't know how to fix any of it. She also will only go to sleep if I am holding her. My own fault, yet again. I never put her down in the beginning, and now she won't go to sleep unless she is latched on. I even tried BM in a bottle, and a pacifier- neither works. I would hate to let her "cry it out", but I'm running out of ideas. I would be happy just to get her to be ok going to sleep without being on me, but it would be just a great to figure out how to get her to be ok with me not being at her side all the time.

Thanks for listening. Any advice is appreciated.

[D_McG]

hmm why haven't you had a haircut, coffee date etc? What is stopping that? If you don't have a sitter then why can't your DH watch her?

The sleep stuff is typical but can be changed! Pick a new routine, stick to it and comfort the tears I got to a point where my skin was crawling nursing to sleep so we stopped. We sang, we cuddled, we passed to daddy, etc. They adjust very quickly. Just be confident that you're making the right decision. Lead the way!

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by dmariev 

Ok so DD is 22mo, happy, healthy, developing well. I still BF, though I am hoping to wean SOON. My problem- I wanted to go for the whole AP thing, and it seems I messed up somewhere in there. She has to be with me 24/7, I haven't gone on a date with my husband since I was pregnant, I haven't gone out to get my hair done, or have a coffee date with a friend. That's right- in 2 years, I have not been away from my DD. I'm not saying I WANT to be away from her, but sheesh- momma needs a break. I seem to have done so many things the wrong way, and I don't know how to fix any of it. She also will only go to sleep if I am holding her. My own fault, yet again. I never put her down in the beginning, and now she won't go to sleep unless she is latched on. I even tried BM in a bottle, and a pacifier- neither works. I would hate to let her "cry it out", but I'm running out of ideas. I would be happy just to get her to be ok going to sleep without being on me, but it would be just a great to figure out how to get her to be ok with me not being at her side all the time.

Thanks for listening. Any advice is appreciated.

Well, I don't think you did anything wrong, it just sounds like the personality of your child. And it sounds perfectly normal to me (as my kid is the same way).

Kids who are not weaned breastfeed to sleep, so I assume when you wean it will take care of that. Is nursing her to sleep an issue everynight or are you assuming that she won't sleep should you choose to go out for the night? My DS will go to sleep for his grandma if I am not around, but if there is boobie in sight than forgetaboutit! So I guess I am trying to say that it might actually work out fine if you are not around, but the only way to know is to try.

As for taking a date night I am not going to be much help there as DH and I have only ever been on three dates in the last two years. In every case it was because a grandmother was watching DS, so it worked because he trusts them. Unfortunately my IL's live 2000 miles away and having my mother watch DS was too much drama.

I guess my question is: Your LO is behaving true to age...so what is your goal for her?

[woodchick]

Is there any way you could start leaving her for short outings when she didn't need to sleep?  Maybe get a sitter for a couple hours in the afternoon or early evening.  Then you could get out without worrying about her falling to sleep.

I don't leave mine very often, but I have found that even when DD2 won't sleep for me without nursing, she will sleep for Grandma...

It might feel overwhelming, but I think the best way is to just start.  Say to your husband, "I just need to run these books to the library and read a magazine."  and then go and do it!  45 minutes will feel great to you and your DD will probably be just fine.  It will get easier every time.

[Parker'smommy]

You say that you have never left her...but have you tried? 

There is NOTHING wrong, with leaving a child with their parent ( daddy), and taking a break by leaving the house for 1,2,3 hours ( or more even!) . NOTHING wrong with it at all. Will she cry? Maybe. But if she is comforted and with someone who loves her, what is the harm? Will it be difficult for her? Maybe. It's something new. It's never happened. That can be scary sometimes. But unless you try it, she will never experience time away from you. 

My suggestion? Make that coffee date. Nurse dd, kiss her, tell her you love her, and leave. And tell your dh NOT to call you unless he's taking her to the ER. Seriously. Go for an hour...just one hour. NOTHING bad will happen to her in that hour. 

And seriously, 22 months of attatchment parenting is NOT going to come UNDONE, by you, her mother getting one precious hour away from her. It just isn't. And you will come back, and she will see that. This was also be a wonderful opportunity for your dh to get some alone time with his daughter. That is a huge value in itself. 

Good luck!!

[physmom]

A few suggestions:

1. Look into nightweaning.  If you don't feel ready to wean yet it IS possible to nightwean so that your child can be put to sleep by others (and even before DD was nightweaned she'd still like the grandparents put her to sleep but she's much better now that she's weaned entirely).  I will say that DD was not ready to be nightweaned before she was two.  We tried and failed miserably but shortly after she was 2 it was a success (then we started a routine, and sang her to sleep while she screamed bloody murder but eventually went to sleep).  It wasn't fun but we were in the room with her comforting her the whole time.  The first couple days were rough but we got through it and shes started sleeping infinitely better.  I think in the end it was much more about her being ready (and just not wanting to do it) than anything else.

2. Why don't you go on a date during the day?  We rarely, rarely go on nighttime dates because of how DD's sleep situation was but sometimes we'd catch a moving in the morning/afternoon. 

3. Tag team parenting.  We do this on the weekend some to make sure we get the basics in: maybe a much needed nap and a workout.  It's one thing that has really saved our sanity.

4. I KNOW separation anxiety sucks.  I could write a book on it but kids do get better, especially once they become used to new caregivers.  It's actually really good for your child to get some 1-on-1 time with your DH so you can go out with a friend.  Sure, she'll cry at first but eventually she'll get used to it, I promise! 

In the end I don't see these things as your fault.  It sounds like you are really trying to do your best and some kids are just like that.  I would encourage you, though, to have your DH help out more with her and get her used to having your DH put her to sleep sometimes (maybe do something simple like run to the store near her bedtime and have your DH try and handle it a bit?).  Good luck!

[Lucy Alden]

I think date nights are tricky.  Night times routines can be rough under the best of circumstances.  We've found that Sunday afternoons are a nice time to have a date.  We have the babysitter come over, then we put our 2 youngest down for a nap and then go out.  We're usually gone about 3 or 4 hours, 2 of which are nap time.  It works so much nicer for everyone involved.  No worries about having someone else put them down.  Not to mention that Sunday afternoons seem restful by nature.

I'd also agree with others that having daddy watch her for an hour now and then is good for your mental health.  My husband always says the kids are much more independent when I'm not home.  If you feel like it would be too much then put her down for a nap and then head out.  You need to take a break and recharge so you can parent her from a place of full versus empty.

In terms of going to sleep, I've found that for my kids doing a sort of cry-it-in works.  I stay in the room and gently sooth by rubbing their backs, laying them back down and murmuring "lay down, you're all right."  It can take several weeks (DS1 took about 8 weeks, the longest by far) and there is crying but it is gentle and eventually they figure it out.  Make sure to bring a book, knitting, laptop, cell phone for games or something else to occupy your mind while she's falling to sleep.

And dmariev, you haven't messed up at all.  You've parented your daughter in a way that works for both of you.  And now that it is no longer working you are looking for ways to change it.  Sounds like great parenting to me!

[D_McG]

We also do early date nights at that age. Go for dinner around 5ish and then home for bed. We switch babysitting with friends. It works great.

[dmariev]

Thank you all so much. I think it just helps to talk about it.

A big part of the problem (and I hate to say it) is that DH seems to be scared of handling her on his own, or letting ANYONE else watch her. Just yesterday we went to the store- I ran in while they waited in the truck- and when I got back he said "this is rediculous, she got upset as soon as you left. I don't know how she is ever going to handle being away from you". Ugh! I told him she never WILL get used to it if we don't try. How do I get him to just get over it? I know he would do just fine with her, so how do I convince HIM of that? He seems so insecure about it that just talking about it turns into an argument. Then there is the issue of a babysitter- we have a few people nearby who would be willing to watch her and DS(10yo), but he doesn't 'trust' anyone. He says he would be ok with his mom watching her, but in the past 2 years, it still hasn't happened. His mom, stepmom, grandma, and other family members have ASKED to watch her, and it just never happens. A lot of the time he says it's because she is still nursing, and that she just wouldn't be able to handle it. Really? That's the excuse this time? She eats solid foods just fine, I think she would survive a few hours with out BFing.

Ok, now I seem to just be ranting. I'm sorry, I'm kinda' all over the place here, huh?

My goals for her-

going to sleep without having to be on the boob or in my arms

sleeping in her own bed (which is a crib with no side-rail, butted up against my side of the bed, like an oversized co-sleeper)

being ok with herself when I walk out of the room, leave the car, etc

not needing to latch on every 10-15 mins, just because it's there... she has a sippy of water (she LOVES water) available to her at all times, snacks are always available, so I know  it isn't being hungry or thirsty....

I know it will get better, and that I have to work at it. I'm just worn out.

Thanks for all the advice. I think one of the first steps will be night-weaning. Thanks for the suppoet too- I will definately need that through these changes

[Lucy Alden]

Hm, so it sounds like the bigger issue is that your DH is having a hard time letting go.  I imagine its both sweet and aggravating.

I'd put her down for a nap, leave DH at home and return about 15 minutes after she wakes up.  Just long enough for DH to be alone with her and long enough for you to catch a break.

When you say his mother offers to watch the kids but it never happens, what do you mean exactly?  Does your MIL back out or does your DH?  Or is it that it just never gets arranged.  If its the later I'd plan and organize the whole thing.  Put DD down for a nap, you and DH go out for a walk, meal, movie, whatever and try to be back shortly after she wakes up.

Out of curiosity, was your DH like this with your DS?  I'm wondering if your husband is more concerned because the baby is a girl.

[dmariev]

As for MIL watching, it never gets arranged. Well, it will be half arranged, but then it just seems to stall out... Don't really know how. I need to just take control of the situation I guess hahaha

DH wasn't like this with DS because he wasn't a part of our lives till DS was 5. This is his first 'baby'. Maybe that's a part of the problem- first baby. I wonder when that gets better....I didn't have that problem with DS because I had 5 siblings (3 are at least 14yrs younger), so I'm used to kids being kids lol

Looks like one of the biggest projects ahead of me is getting him over the 'overly-protective' stuff...

[JudiAU]

I think you just need some need behaviors and patterns. You need to set aside a few hours each week where DH watches the toddler. Every week. No matter what. Unless he is an unfit parent, there is no reason why he can't spend one-on-one time with her even if she would prefer it otherwise. You probably need to be out of sight in the beginning. I think you need to force DH to step up and take responsibility for co-parenting.

Consider reading No Cry Sleep Solution. Lots of gentle options to retrain sleep habits. Slow but effective with no tears. Faster if you are open to a few tears at this age, like being able to walk out of the door and check on tears in five minutes. This is not CIO by any strech of the imagination.

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

I think you just need some need behaviors and patterns. You need to set aside a few hours each week where DH watches the toddler. Every week. No matter what. Unless he is an unfit parent, there is no reason why he can't spend one-on-one time with her even if she would prefer it otherwise. You probably need to be out of sight in the beginning. I think you need to force DH to step up and take responsibility for co-parenting.

I agree with this and honestly if he continues to resist I'd be looking for some counseling. It's kind of ridiculous that he is reluctant to watch her by himself!

For the latching every 10-15 minutes. Just pick a reasonable pattern and stick to it. She'll adjust. She has to learn different soothing skills for her sanity and yours!

[Lidamama84]

I had a similar experience with my DD; I took about 5 mos to wean her slowly, and gently, starting at around 15 mos, mostly because I was starting to shudder everytime I thought about BFing. I knew something had to change and I really needed our relationship to evolve and for DH to be a more active parent; when she wanted to nurse frequently during the day, I would pick up a book and distract her with it. Or suggest we go for a walk, etc. I also wouldn't be afraid to say "not right now". I think as they understand more and more, they can accept that mom has needs too. 

As far as going out is concerned, my strategy is to tell DD where I'm going and when I'll be back (ie before lunch, after nap, at snack time, etc). I tell her who she is staying with, I kiss her, tell her "mommy will be back" and then I leave. DH's job is to distract her and a few tears are not the end of the world if there is someone she loves and trusts to comfort her :) Mind you, I started doing this when she was about 8 mos, between mealtimes, lol. I would also recommend having an actual appointment to go to, so that you can't feel pressured out of going out. I totally see the difference in DH's confidence since I started giving him more responsibility. And he needs to understand that weaning won't change anything, because the underlying issue is that your DD is very attached to you. And that's ok :)  But the father-daughter relationship is important too.

For sleep, I found it easiest to lie down beside DD, rub her back or sing or tell her a story. Every time she asked to BF, I would say "not now, its time for night-nights" or whatever you do to talk about bedtime. She still fussed and cried, but I was there to comfort her. Same thing for night nursing. She'd wake up and ask to nurse and I would calmly tell her that it was time to sleep not nurse. It helps if you set aside specific times during the day for BFing, so you can tell her when to expect it.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to change your routine till you find something that works for all of you!

Lidia

[dmariev]

You all are so wonderful. Thank you so much for helping me feel like I haven't done anything wrong.

I tried today nursing her for nap time, and took her off as she was falling asleep. She still had to be in my arms to go to sleep, but I was able to lie her down shortly after, and she took a paci when she started to wake up half way through her nap. I know the pacifier isn't necessarily the best option, but she never asks for it during the day, and she spits it out after just a bit when she is sleeping, so I'm optimistic that it won't become a problem. When she woke up, I held her and talked to her, then when she reached for my shirt I gave her her sippy and asked if she wanted a drink. She had some water, then went off to play!! Usually she INSISTS on nursing when she wakes up- and cries till she gets it. NO tears this time! The only time she has nursed since she woke up 3 hrs ago was when she hurt her hand. It's a bit of a relief.

Tonight I'm going to start with the Dr. Jay Gordon sleep pattern change. She tends to stay latched on all night, so we will see how it goes...
I will check back in tomorrow to let you all know.

Thank you all again- it's nice to have support in this!!!!

[belltree]

Just a couple of thoughts from me as well. I found my child has times, where he is more clingy than usual and then there are days, when he is more independent. Often he is more attached during a growth spurt, when he is getting sick or teething, or just it is a phase.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. But I also think, you can try to reach your goals: a bit more mamatime. Maybe you can find someone to watch her for 2-3hrs every week, maybe even daddy or a friendly neighbor, a friend or relative or even a babysitter, so you can take care of yourself. At her age, she probably will be fine in spending time with someone else if she knows them, during the day. Don't try it during her naptimes or in the (always more difficult) evenings.

Also, you can have a date with your husband. Just don't think evening date. Go out for breakfast, or lunch, and enjoy yourselves.

My little guy still nurses to sleep and I don't see an end in sight. Sometimes it is hard and annoying, I try to have a good book on hand or listen to some music. And I know, if need be, my dh can bring him to bed. It is only impossible if  I am in the house, but I have had to leave them for 2weeks twice and although everyone was nervous it was fine, although not easy.

If you feel it is time to wean. Then do so. Nursing is a relationship between two people, if one of them cannot do it anylonger, things need to change.
 

[crunchy_mommy]

Two things:

One, your DH needs to have the opportunity to build up confidence in his Daddy skills. Pick a place or event that your DD will LOVE and send DH & DD there. Start small -- send them to a half-hour story hour or drop them off at the playground on your way to do errands and pick them up an hour later on your way back. Send them to the carousel at the mall while you shop. Have them go for a walk around the block together... or even just pick up a new toy & some new library books and let them play/read for a bit while YOU go for a walk (or to get your hair done or whatever). I think that will be easier (and more fun) for your DH & DD than him watching her in the car while she's bored, you know? Have them spend time alone when she's likely to be at her best, and you'll be setting them up for success (though they may still struggle at first, and this is OK!)

And along those lines, number 2 is, it's OK for your DD to cry. It took me a long time to internalize this & I still struggle with it. I'm not talking about CIO or anything -- I'm talking about crying in the arms of a loving, competent parent (or someone else you & she both trust). It is hard to hear and it's not fun and it takes a ton of willpower not to sweep in & "rescue"... but it's important for both her & your DH (as well as any other trusted caregivers) and obviously for you too.

[LROM]

Ditto Crunchy Mommy, and I'd add that you should also just go ahead and set up "Playdates" with your mom and/or his mom, all go over, bring a new toy or something you know your child will really like and at least be distracted by for a little while, and then leave.  For an hour at least.

Even if your child gets upset, your DH will have the support (hopefully!) of someone he knows and trusts to help him deal with it.  It will also help build a relationship between your DC and the grandparents, so both you and your DH can feel better about them watching your baby without either of you.

Maybe also have your DH hang out with another dad and baby?  Seeing either another dad struggle or seeing another dad do a good job can both help your DH to understand he isn't alone, he can do this, his baby is normal, etc.  All messages he needs to get and absorb to feel better about handling your baby alone.

Last suggestion, who does your DH really trust?  Like, who's advice is he likely to respect?  Can that person weigh in on the fact that DH and baby have to TRY and experiment with being alone together to build teh bond that will eventually make that time ok and NOT just hysterics?  It's never gonna happen if your DH doesn't try, and you know that, but your DH needs to hear that and be encouraged by others too apparently.  Who will he listen to and can they support you in helping this happen?  Can they be someone else you build a relationship with to watch your kids once in awhile?

[kayabrink]

I didn't read all the posts so, sorry if this is a repeat:
Instead of YOU leaving DD, get DD to leave YOU. Only to go somewhere exciting, and only with whoever she is closest to after you (it may not be dh, or it may be, but whoever- gma, gpa, aunt... you get the picture). It's hard to leave a kid especially in a boring situation (e.g. to wait in the car? not too fun) but she might be fine with leaving you to go to the park with dh, or the library w/ gma. And, once she is comfortable with that, then you can try leaving her at home, but whoever is watching her would have to do something super fun for dd. Play dress up, bake with her... whatever floats her boat- to take her mind off your absence.
FWIW both my kids were/are like that and eventually got over it with out us needing to do anything other than what I suggested above. It's scaffolding a new situation to help your kids manage.

[dawncayden]

I just wanted to mention that you don't need to fully wean her if you don't want to. Kids can learn to fall asleep without nursing, if you try. Ds2 is just recently 2., and 3 months ago I semi night weaned and stopped nursing to sleep. He sometimes cries but I offer cuddles and water from a sippy. It took about a week to have him be ok with not nursing at night.

He also cries when he sees me leave which is why I usually sneak away or get dh or my mom to distract him while I slip out.

I'd make it clear to your dh that you NEED time alone at least once a week or your going to go crazy. I'd schedule once a week dh watches dd for 2 hours and once a week someone else watches her for an hour or two. Set up the routine, and stick to it, you will be glad that you did.