I really messed this up. Advice? - Page 2

[colsxjack]

I am a father that has a lot of experience with babies and children. A lot more experience than my wife had before we had our own.

I have also been a father that very much participates in the care of my DD, who is now 20 months.

I do have to say that I am still a bit nervous having to care for her alone. I do it, but I am nervous. I have never been nervous about changing or feeding or anything like that.

My wife just went back to working the night shift. I am right now doing over-night duty with a baby who nurses, is just recently night weaned and is very attached to Mummy. She also nurses to sleep when Mummy is home. I was a nervous wreck for the couple of weeks before the first night shift. I am now on my second night of being alone with baby for 1.5 hours before bedtime and doing the bedtime routine and putting her to sleep. It is going well. I have built up confidence. But I still think I will be nervous for awhile yet.

For us Dad's who have very attentive wives who care so well for our babies it is a little nerve wracking to think that we can be an even remotely adequate substitute.

We are afraid of failing. Afraid of baby having a bad time. Afraid of being bored to death by the kid or exhausted by the child's need for constant attention.

We are afraid that our child could not possibly like us as much as they like their mother. We are afraid of being judged by our partners for not doing something the way they told us to or the way they think it should be done.

I personally think it is much easier and much more fun to take my DD out somewhere or to have a definite activity planned. Palydoh, painting, raking the lawn, splashing in puddles, going to the park, etc.

Maybe set your husband up with an activity of a walk or going to the park. It is easy to get sucked into the activity and before he knows it he will forget that he is supposed to be nervous.

[belltree]

Colsjax, thank you for sharing your perspective. My husband was similarly worried the first time I had to leave my son and him alone (then 9months). Our family doctor even joked about prescribing valium.

And sometimes we also call it "the power of the boob". dh has other qualities. ds is now close to 18months and they both go out and have adventures, they climb mountains, catch snakes. It got so much easier with mobility and language development for both of them to become close. At least during the day.

[July09Mama]

I was going to recommend sending them out, too. My dh started taking dd to the library for storytime when she was just over a year, and it's become a routine for them that they both enjoy (usually). I can leave her at home with him for a couple of hours, now, and they are ok. She cried when I left quite a bit in the beginning (when she was 16ish months), but now, at 21mo, she will give me a kiss and wave goodbye. 

The only way to get my dd to sleep besides side-lying nursing in bed is with movement, either the carseat, stroller, or carrier. Maybe if you need to go out during her nap, your dh could take her for a walk? I know it can really suck to feel like you HAVE to be there for sleep times; I feel the same way....

DH and I have never gone on a date or left dd with anyone else either. We do try to have "dates" at home where we get takeout and try to keep dd busy while we hang out, and then watch a movie after she goes to sleep (on our laptop with headphones while we lay in bed with her because she wakes up if I'm gone). It's definitely not as exciting as a "real" date, but for my family, none of us is really comfortable leaving her with someone else, so we make do. On that one, I really do think that if her dad isn't comfortable with leaving her with someone else (not you leaving your dd with him, but a babysitter), that should be respected. If my dh told me we HAD to leave dd with someone else, I'd be upset and definitely wouldn't enjoy our date. Have you asked your dh why he's not comfortable or what might help? For us, we want to wait until dd is old enough to be able to tell us if something bad happened; maybe your dh has a some sort of fear like that? 

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing a great job and I'm sure you'll make it through this stage. Good luck, mama!

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

Two things:

One, your DH needs to have the opportunity to build up confidence in his Daddy skills. Pick a place or event that your DD will LOVE and send DH & DD there. Start small -- send them to a half-hour story hour or drop them off at the playground on your way to do errands and pick them up an hour later on your way back. Send them to the carousel at the mall while you shop. Have them go for a walk around the block together... or even just pick up a new toy & some new library books and let them play/read for a bit while YOU go for a walk (or to get your hair done or whatever). I think that will be easier (and more fun) for your DH & DD than him watching her in the car while she's bored, you know? Have them spend time alone when she's likely to be at her best, and you'll be setting them up for success (though they may still struggle at first, and this is OK!)

And along those lines, number 2 is, it's OK for your DD to cry. It took me a long time to internalize this & I still struggle with it. I'm not talking about CIO or anything -- I'm talking about crying in the arms of a loving, competent parent (or someone else you & she both trust). It is hard to hear and it's not fun and it takes a ton of willpower not to sweep in & "rescue"... but it's important for both her & your DH (as well as any other trusted caregivers) and obviously for you too.