"mixed kids are cuter" ?! - Page 7

[Choose2Reuse]

She's already had several people comment about mixed kids being cute...but they obviously meant well and were just trying to compliment her, so it didn't bother me too much.  But a lot of the compliments she gets are really racially loaded ("Oh, she's half Indian?  Well of course, she's got that beautiful skin!") and I never know what to say.  I pretty much just stick to "Thanks" on the theory that they are meant nicely, even if they come out kind of badly.  After all, I say things that come out badly all the time. :P

Honestly, I am way more bothered by the emphasis in India on having light skin and how to deal with that next time we go, when she's old enough to understand what people say.  Skin-whitening creams and matrimonial ads listing skin color ("wheat-colored", "fair", etc.) are everywhere, and people tell my DH how beautiful she and I are because we're fairskinned.  I always thought the U.S. was pretty awful about skin color, but India is just horrifying.

[Bad Mama Jama]

Ah yes!  The time old debate...

I cannot lie and say that it doesn't irritate me.  Coming from the perspective of a black woman, I have to say that it irks me that my dd can't be beautiful on her own and folks feel like there is something that makes her a bit more sparkly due to her multicultural parentage.  Sheesh.  I cannot tell you how often this has driven me nuts and I often wondered, why don't people just say, "What a beautiful kid!"

Why can't she be just as beautiful if she were only black?  It's almost like the multiracial thing makes her like a superhuman.  I've especially found that very shallow black folks have said she is so cute because she looks like a little ____________ (fill in the blank with any ethnicity other than black) LOL.  Somehow, we can't always find beauty in ourselves...  

[anjsmama]

I would never say that mixed children are cuter, especially to a mixed child, or parents of mixed children... I agree that seems insensitive. I don't really see why we as a society make so many comments of ANY kind about people's appearance... whether positive or negative about their weight, race, make up, hair, or anything else. The constant grading of appearances is exhausting. 

That said - IMHO, biracial children just ARE cuter! And not just the children, I mean they grow up beautiful! I was always envious of the biracial girls in high school (specifically black & white mixed), perfect, smooth, carmely skin and hair that never seemed too thin or too thick to manage. Could just be a self-loathing kind of thing though, I've never been wild about my freckles and red hair. 

[IsaFrench]

don't quite totally agree with you ...it's a real lottery with genes .... I've seen photos of bi-racial children ... when the combination of both sets of features .... wasn't quite so harmonious

so it really depends, whatever background a person is .....

[mamaavocado]

This is such an interesting topic to me.  My husband and I have not tried to conceive just yet, but he is Filipino and I am white (German/Czech/English French).  I often wonder what our children are going to look like and how we'll handle race-related comments.

I do have to comment on what someone else said about being offended when people ask, "Where is s/he from?"  I understand how it can be viewed as offensive but I also think ti's partly just human curiosity.  I love to find out about people's ethnicity, even if they're "just white."  I think it comes from growing up surrounded by all white people and having a mother who always said she wished we "had some culture."  White/European people don't have culture?  This always confused me and made me feel funny, even as a child.  As an adult I am fascinated with finding out where I come from and have been working on my genealogy for some time now.  I love finding out more about my culture and about those of others, as well.  If that makes me racist, then hey.  I guess I'm racist.

Anyway, thank you all for posting on this thread.  It's given me a lot to think about.

[Choose2Reuse]

Today I took my mixed-race DD to the pool and one of the other women there said, "Hey, looks like she's working on a nice little tan there...?" in an insinuating sort of way, which was oddly bothersome, even after answering umpteen-million questions elsewhere about DD's parentage and name.  I think it was because the question was so oblique. 

It turned out the woman in question also had mixed-race kids who are much darker-skinned than she is, so I think she was just trying to figure out if we were a similar family, and she seemed very nice, but it seemed weird at the time.  I guess I'm just not used to anything other than a blunt, "That's an unusual name, where's it from?/She takes after her daddy, huh?" 

[NotAFairytale]

I just wanted to chime in and address this from a different perspective. I live in a very polarized community where many people are still very racist. When me(white) and DH(mexican) were expecting our first child people didn't really like it. White people didn't like that I was "wasting" my blood mixing it with DH's. and Mexican people felt offended that DH had chosen to mix his blood with a white person which somehow makes him racist against his own people. Anyway, ever since my son was born he has been pored over and adored from both sides. I feel like when people comment on him being "cuter" it means that a door has been opened and people are becoming more comfortable with the other race. My white family is more comfortable with my son because he is only part mexican and our mexican friends/family are more comfortable with my son because he is only part white. I think in our case its a good thing that atleast people are starting to accept that other races are okay! And my son can fit in on both sides of the fence when need be. I am not offended, I am just happy they accept my son even though he is different.

Although I know that them accepting him because he is still partly their race is inherently racist on there part, but atleast their eyes have been opened a little bit. baby steps!

[NotAFairytale]

I also wanted to add that I agree with the excitement response. I am not a baby person so I personally usually just see same race parents with their babies and think "Typical baby... seen THAT before." But when I see mixed race parents I think "Oh, I gotta get a look at this. I wonder what the baby looks like?"

I don't feel like that is racism, just curiosity.

[prosciencemum]

I probably shouldn't jump in without reading the whole thread, but I just wanted comment that I relate to all of this - more with my daughter than son (but perhaps because she's older). They're mixed white/chinese. I don't like comments on their looks which are racially motivated even if they are positive and "meant well".

 I found reading "Does Anyone Else Look like Me: A parents guide to raising multicultural children" (http://www.amazon.com/Anybody-Parents-Raising-Multiracial-Children/dp/0738206059) helpful.  Particularly with suggestions of how to react to help the children deal with comments. This was useful for me, particularly as I'm the white parent and I'm sensitive that issues of race are difficult to understand when I haven't lived through it myself.  

[CA Country Girl]

Thanks prosciencemum!  I have the same feeling about "racially motivated" comments.  My DH and I both got a lot of "you look exotic" as a child and I always hated it desperately, even though many people thought they were delivering a compliment.  My DD (6) is starting to get these kinds of comments and I want all the tools I can to educate her and our new DD (due in June) about how to feel confident about themselves their responses.  My DD has been fascinated in the last year or so with blond haired, blue eyed girls and dolls too, thinking they are beautiful (despite all of the healthy multicultural images we have been trying to give her) so I know she is aware of this beauty standard, despite supposed compliments about how "interesting" she is. 

BTW, looking at your signature, I am also on the same page with the vaccines (though I do delay and spread some of them out a bit) of which I sometimes feel like a minority here on MDC.  I believe in the social responsibility of "herd immunity" and that if more of us had seen some of these diseases in person, we would be less resistant to protecting our children (and other people's babies who are too young to be vaccinated or have compromised systems) against them.  Off topic, but thought it was worth mentioning.

[mambera]

Totally OT but I'm with you two on the vax thing.  I sometimes think about being more explicit in my sig line because I would like pro-vaccine mamas to be a more visible presence on MDC, but then I fear raising hackles and getting dragged into vax debates when I am not really here looking for that.  /end thread hijack

[prosciencemum]

Thanks CA Country Girl, and Mambrea. Now you mention it my daughter is obsessed with blond princesses (Cinderella) despite efforts to surround her with multicultural influences. 

An example from the toy store - she wanted a Barbie. I said she could have one if she could find one which wasn't blond - and we couldn't. That to me was totally shocking... Sure I can find one online (on the list for Xmas!). 

[tonttu]

One thing , I have to get off my chest , well actually 2 things , are 

When you have a child with somebody , who has darker skin , as was my late hb ( black american , puerto rican and american indian ) and your whole family is also quite dark , except for the one Grandmother , you happen to look like , and everybody calls your kids " mixed " 

HELLO , everybody in the world is mixed , E-VE-RY-BO-DY !!!

Or ... what made me have to htink very hard about my upbringing , before I say something , that would have given both my Grandmothers a heart attack ,

" oh what a cute little boy ! We have one like that , too " Eeeehhh , like "what " ? Oh you know , giggle , a chocolate baby 

[Mommel]

Originally Posted by tonttu 
Oh you know , giggle , a chocolate baby 

This made me cringe on a visceral level. It's one thing to get smiles of acknowledgement from other mamas of mixed race kiddos, but seriously? Someone talked like that about their OWN child??!! Sorry, but something about that makes me want to call child services... if only that were just cause. 

Lately, I've been getting the more polite version of racism... (if there is such a thing). It goes like this:

THEM: Oh, he's adorable!! I just LOVE his skin tone...

ME: Thanks. I think he's pretty cute, but I'm a little biased.

And then they wait and look at me for an extended period of time, expectantly... for an explanation of why his skin tone is the beautiful way it is... and I don't give it. It's really awkward for them usually, but I've gotten used to it. I guess I'm fortunate that I don't get the questions. From what I hear, people will ask my best friend why he's darker than me, and I'm not sure what she tells them, but it seems to satisfy their curiosity. On a rare occasion, I'll get, "Is his father darker?" and I'll say, "A bit, but he gets his good looking noggin from me." I think I'd rather that though, than the overly sanitized comment about his skin tone. I swear if I get one more comment about how beautiful my son's skin is, I might scream... isn't there ANYTHING else to comment about besides his skin tone??! Ugh.

[tonttu]

Originally Posted by Mommel 

I swear if I get one more comment about how beautiful my son's skin is, I might scream... isn't there ANYTHING else to comment about besides his skin tone??! Ugh.

I know , makes me sooo mad , he is a child with everything attached a child comes with and all you have is " look at that pretty colour !" 

[jmarroq]

I can totally see where you are coming from here. It is a compliment, and an opinion, which we are all entitled to, but if you read into it, it could be taken as an insult for sure.

I can't believe I used to say stuff like that all the time, but in my head, I was thinking I just love dark skin. I never said it to a mixed race couple...I used to just say it in general to my friends sometimes...not that it makes it any better!

Come to think of it, I did ask someone recently about her daughter's hair. She is of Asian decent and her daughter has light hair, but I already met the dad and knew he was caucasian. I don't remember what I said, but I followed it up with "my husband and I both have black hair, and my daughter had light hair like that too". I don't know if she ever met my husband, who is from Central America. I was just curious because I also married a person of another race...I thought I was just making conversation about our children's similarities, but after reading all these comments I am beginning to think I could have offended her in some way! You learn something new every day! Thanks Mothering!

I didn't have the luxury of growing up in a diverse community, and I grew up in the 70s, so that can shape my opinions, I suppose. I would hope that kids growing up in ethnically diverse communities these days don't go around saying "mixed kids are cuter"...or at least if they do, that their parents let them know that it is not always a welcomed comment...Some people who are in a "mixed" marriage may not appreciate their being singled out as "cuter" and some who are not "mixed" might not like the implication of being less attractive.

Most white people I know find something very attractive about dark skin (tanning salons?). Some women I know from Latin countries think that women with lighter skin are more beautiful. Weird, isn't it?

When I would say "mixed kids are cuter" amongst friends, I wasn't saying "the lighter the better" as far as African people go. I was probably saying "the darker the better" as far as white people go, since I loved dark skin! So people are probably insulting your ancestors and not your husbands....not that it makes it better but maybe it will clarify it a bit. I guess I was almost racist against my own skin color, saying I didn't find it as attractive as darker skin...??? It was just my opinion, but I should have kept it to myself, as I can now see how it can be offensive. 

Edited by jmarroq - 7/29/12 at 7:27pm

[tonttu]

But what it comes down to , is EVERYBODY IS MIXED ! And it shows a lot of ignorance , when somebody says , look at that cute mixed kid , because then they should say it to everyone and not point out to me " your kids´ father must have darker skin than you ! "

OH , thanks for pointing that out , I didn´t even notice ! 

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by tonttu 

But what it comes down to , is EVERYBODY IS MIXED ! And it shows a lot of ignorance , when somebody says , look at that cute mixed kid , because then they should say it to everyone and not point out to me " your kids´ father must have darker skin than you ! "

OH , thanks for pointing that out , I didn´t even notice ! 

I completely agree with you - I find the distinction a bit odd in this day and age.  As if everyone was of one race and "mixed race" couples were some strange anomaly? Even Betty Crocker is a global composite!  I mean, hell - even boring ol' "white" people are all seriously mixed, even if they are solely European in heritage.  It wasn't that long ago that those distinctions mattered - like when my Irish grandmother married an Italian - THAT was a scandal! 

It is silly and offensive.  Not sure if I mentioned this previously, but recently I've had a lot of experience with people giving me odd looks and saying things like, "Hmmm...his father MUST be blond right?" when I'm out and about with my light-haired, blue-eyed baby (as I mentioned before, I have very dark hair, green eyes, more olive skin - often labeled "exotic" or "not white" as a child).  And we both have white skin - not a mixed race issue, per se - yet it still really bugs me.  

I don't understand what difference it makes WHAT his father looks like - at least as long as I find him handsome!   Shouldn't the focus be on my awesome, super cool baby, not on figuring out what skin color/complexion/whatever his Dad has?  It feels odd - like I'm being evaluated and judged for my choices in a partner based on our offspring, or like someone is suspicious this isn't my kid.

I know this isn't directly on topic, but it's my closest personal experience...

[Hippie Mom 32]

My kids are biracial as well and I hear the same thing. But personally I think if its your kids you will think he or she is cute duh I think all children created by God, are beautiful

[ZoeStarshine]

Originally Posted by bk_hope_2_b_mama 

This misses the point entirely. We are talking about a dominate culture commenting on the "other" - either by exoticisizing the "not too other" features that work for our beauty standard (but aren't TOO different or TOO black or TOO Asian, etc, etc, etc) or talking about the beauty standard that's more associated with our culture to begin with. Are you seriously suggesting that the comment, "mixed babies are the cutest!" is not racially based? Is anyone in this discussion even coming from a non-white perspective? I understand that I'm coming from a privileged perspective when I talk about this topic; does anyone else?

As a mixed race woman with a white husband and two young daughters, thank you for this thread and this comment.