At what age should opposite-gender siblings no longer share a bed/bedroom?

[Llyra]

My boy/girl twins each have their own bed, but lots of nights (like tonight) they wind up sleeping together in DS's bed. I think it's adorable, and they are so happy, but I happened to mention it the other day at a family do, and one of my cousins said she thought it was weird, and that once kids get to get around three, it's not appropriate anymore. And I was like . I mean, they're FOUR. They're barely over being babies.

So I totally get that it's perfectly fine for them to be together, now. But it got me thinking, and DH and I were talking, about when it's time to separate them, and I don't know what I think.

So I guess I'm wondering-- obviously it depends on the kids, of course, and the situation, but generally speaking, when do you think opposite-gender siblings should stop sharing a bed? What about sharing a room?

[frugalmum]

My 14 yr old and 12 yr old opposite gender siblings still share a room and refuse to separate.  It is a very big room though-- it was formerly a living room that we now use as a bedroom.  So it is two or three times the size of a normal bedroom.  They don't get dressed in there, they get dressed privately in one of the bathrooms.  My son is extremely introverted so quite frankly I am glad he is sharing a room with his sister, otherwise I'm not sure he would ever talk to anyone!

[treeoflife3]

I had a boyfriend in high school who shared a bedroom with his sister til she moved out (they were only a couple years apart.)  There was only one available bedroom in their mom's apartment besides mom's room so it was really the only option for them.  They didn't mind it though... they just had a divider to give separate spaces within the room and changed elsewhere.

Personally, I don't think it is that weird, especially if there isn't much space for everyone to have their own room.  Not everyone can afford a three bedroom home to ensure each kid gets their own room because of gender and not everyone wants to share a room with one of their kids to split the different genders up.

I DEFINITELY don't think 4 is weird.  I was still taking baths with my brother when he was 5 and I was 9.  It wasn't weird at all... he felt more comfortable taking a bath if I was in with him.

[hakeber]

Your friend is being weird.

4? My DH shared a room with his sister who is 4 years older than him until she was 14 when she demanded not having to share a room with her 10 year old brother and all his toys...they had a guest room so it worked out. But I also had friends in highschool who were twins (boy and girl) and they shared a bedroom until they moved out to go to college, and they both sometimes slept in the same bed together falling asleep talking about stuff.  They were best friends.  There wasn't anything sexual about it, so I don't see the big deal. 

I think some people have their own issues.  Don't put too much stock in it.

I say to your friend: 4?  For goodness sake.  Let them be kids!

ETA: I would say generally I would think they should have their own beds by the time they hit puberty (what with wet dreams and all that) but don't be surprised if they sometimes fall asleep talking at night in the same bed...they shared a womb, it's likely they will always feel safest next to each other.

[mom2happy]

I shared a room till I was 10 with my sister and two brothers. It was crowed, but we were poor.

We were fine. There was nothing weird about it for us.

My girl and boy took baths together until 5 and 7 yrs old. They always wanted to. They were so used to seeing each other naked that there was nothing abnormal about it. DD turned 8 and this year she decided she wants more room in the bath, so we do seperate baths.

When ever they want, they sleep together. It is wonderful when siblings want to be together. I would never take that away.

Some people are afraid of strange things.

[puddle]

Originally Posted by Llyra 

So I guess I'm wondering-- obviously it depends on the kids, of course, and the situation, but generally speaking, when do you think opposite-gender siblings should stop sharing a bed? What about sharing a room?

Whenever  either of them feels uncomfortable with it, then I think it's time to try to accommodate their needs if possible.  If they're both fine with it, then who cares?  I think the euphemism "sleep with" to refer to sex has given people the bizarre idea that sleeping and sex are related.

[redpajama]

My oldest two are 6 and 4 (boy and girl, respectively) and they still share a bed.  They each have their own bed, so it's not as if they don't have the option of sleeping separately, but they almost never choose to sleep apart.  

[dawncayden]

I'd say once one of them hits puberty I'd start talking to them about when they want to seperate. They might not want to. They might both feel comfortable all through being teens, and thats fine. I'd leave it in their hands.

[4Marmalade]

My boy/girl twins are almost 3 and they sleep in the same bed.  My older dc's are boy/girl and they are 8-1/2 and almost 6 and they have sleepovers in each other's rooms all the time.  Doesn't phase me at all.  I am pretty confident they will all let us know what they want/need as they grow older and we'll deal with it then.    

[pianojazzgirl]

My dc are 6 and 3 and they each have their own rooms, but most nights they choose to sleep in the same bed.  I can't see any problem with that!

[Polliwog]

My DS is almost seven and my DD is four. They happily share a room. I can't have an opposite gendered foster child share a room with my DS but for my own kids it's fine. They love sharing a room and will do so for the forseeable future.

[APToddlerMama]

Your cousin is the weird one.  I wouldn't separate them until they express an interest in being separated.  This can be really cultural and there are plenty of places where there is no choice but for the whole family to sleep together.  They are babies.  I doubt they are planning on getting busy.

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Your cousin is the weird one.  I wouldn't separate them until they express an interest in being separated.  This can be really cultural and there are plenty of places where there is no choice but for the whole family to sleep together.  They are babies.  I doubt they are planning on getting busy.

I'm thinking, from what my cousin was saying, that her concern was less that something inappropriate might be happening between the children, which of course is absurd, but that it would set off alarm bells for people like preschool teachers, and possibly lead to trouble with CPS.

[eclipse]

I have an almost 8 yo girl and a 5 yo boy who share a room and often end up in the same bed. I don't have any plans to separate them unless one or the other seems to be uncomfortable with it. DD has started wanting to change in private, but she still doesn't mind taking a bath with him

[lkvosu]

I'm thinking, from what my cousin was saying, that her concern was less that something inappropriate might be happening between the children, which of course is absurd, but that it would set off alarm bells for people like preschool teachers, and possibly lead to trouble with CPS.  

I think she has a point. As silly as it may seem to us, our culture does have hang ups about this sort of thing. In my state there are laws that each child must have their own bed from the time they're born, and children must have a seperate bedroom from adults (but may share with each other).  It most certainly could be red flag to someone with an issue about it or if taken out of context.  I think I'd be most comfortable if each child had their own bed so they were able to choose where they wanted to sleep, whether together or alone. It's something to think about, but if you and your children are happy with your current arrangement, I wouldn't worry too much about it. PP was right, this stuff is all cultural anyway. If we were to tell this "seperate bed, seperate room" business to someone living on the prairie in a one room mud hut 150 years ago, they'd laugh their head off.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Llyra 

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Your cousin is the weird one.  I wouldn't separate them until they express an interest in being separated.  This can be really cultural and there are plenty of places where there is no choice but for the whole family to sleep together.  They are babies.  I doubt they are planning on getting busy.

I'm thinking, from what my cousin was saying, that her concern was less that something inappropriate might be happening between the children, which of course is absurd, but that it would set off alarm bells for people like preschool teachers, and possibly lead to trouble with CPS.

Well, okay I guess a lot of people are afraid of CPS and I understand that.  As a social worker though, foster care guidelines at least in my state allow opposite sex non-related children to share a bedroom (and I cannot recall for sure but I think double bed) through age 6.  There is absolutely no rule/regulation about opposite sex related siblings in the family who are not foster children.   

[dawncayden]

There's a law that says 'from birth a child must be in own bed and own room'? Really? Are you sure? That sounds so crazy....How can there actually be a law...

maybe a guideline? and not an actual law?

D
 

Originally Posted by lkvosu 

I think she has a point. As silly as it may seem to us, our culture does have hang ups about this sort of thing. In my state there are laws that each child must have their own bed from the time they're born, and children must have a seperate bedroom from adults (but may share with each other).  It most certainly could be red flag to someone with an issue about it or if taken out of context.  I think I'd be most comfortable if each child had their own bed so they were able to choose where they wanted to sleep, whether together or alone. It's something to think about, but if you and your children are happy with your current arrangement, I wouldn't worry too much about it. PP was right, this stuff is all cultural anyway. If we were to tell this "seperate bed, seperate room" business to someone living on the prairie in a one room mud hut 150 years ago, they'd laugh their head off.

[lkvosu]

There's a law that says 'from birth a child must be in own bed and own room'? Really? Are you sure? That sounds so crazy....How can there actually be a law...

maybe a guideline? and not an actual law?

D
 

Originally Posted by lkvosu 

I think she has a point. As silly as it may seem to us, our culture does have hang ups about this sort of thing. In my state there are laws that each child must have their own bed from the time they're born, and children must have a seperate bedroom from adults (but may share with each other).  It most certainly could be red flag to someone with an issue about it or if taken out of context.  I think I'd be most comfortable if each child had their own bed so they were able to choose where they wanted to sleep, whether together or alone. It's something to think about, but if you and your children are happy with your current arrangement, I wouldn't worry too much about it. PP was right, this stuff is all cultural anyway. If we were to tell this "seperate bed, seperate room" business to someone living on the prairie in a one room mud hut 150 years ago, they'd laugh their head off.

 

From what I understand, the law doesn't specify that the children must sleep in their own beds, only that they must have their own beds. I might be using the terms "law" and "guideline" interchangeably, but I know you can be cited for it by DHS (our state's version of child services), so whatever that means. About the own room part, I said (or at least meant to say) that children CAN share a room with each other, just not with adults as per DHS. The children in any given household must have a seperate sleeping quaters from the adults of the household. I think the law/guideline is there to protect children from undesireable or potentially harmful situations in which parents might ignore their child's developmental needs for privacy and/or to protect them from sexual abuse. I doubt it's commonly applied to situations like the OP is describing or to an infant cosleeping, although I wouldn't be shocked if they looked into something like that because of a compliant by a ill-informed, but probably well-meaning, preschool teacher. Our culture is so funny about this sleep business!

[dawncayden]

I would just imagine that if there were sexual abuse going on in a household it would be happening whether a child has their own room or not. 

Anyway, OP, I think it's great to share a smaller dwelling. RV's, boats, small apartments, it really brings a family closer together.

[lkvosu]

I agree dawncayden, but I imagane that's their logic behind the rule. Honestly, It's pretty ridiculous to think that children are less likey to be sexually abused simply because they have their own rooms. I don't know this for sure, but I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of abuse cases happen to children who do in fact have their own sleeping space. 

OP, sorry to go off on a tangent. I think you're situation is completely harmless and I'm sure anyone, CPS or otherwise, who took even 5 seconds to think about it would come to the same conclusion.