Dealing with Irrational Hysterics

[quantumleap]

??? DD is 28 months old. She's been "high needs", high drama, very strong willed from the start. I think she's perfectly lovely, most of the time. Her brother was born 4 months ago, she's recently given up naps, and she's often ill, and, well, she's TWO. There are a lot of tears, and a lot of whining. I have NO patience for the whining, which I think isn't a crazy thing. But, I find myself increasingly either completely unaffected by her tears or simply annoyed by them. Rationally, I know that she's expressing emotion and needs validation, and that I need to at the very least acknowledge that she's upset. Realistically, I often ignore and hope she'll stop (never works), or I'm dismissive.

     Often it comes from things like me telling her that if she wants a snack, she already has an orange, some egg and a few raisins on her plate, and she can eat those things before I cut her an apple. Cue meltdown. Cue me not caring that she's upset. Or, she knows she's not allowed to jump on me while I'm nursing her brother. She jumps on me and hurts me or him. Everyone is upset. I ask her if she would like me to read her a story while I nurse ds, she has a fit. Cue me, again, not caring. Actually, I care, but mostly just because I want to put in some earplugs. I know she's feeling displaced and wants some attention, but I just don't seem to be working the empathy/verbalizing my understanding and/or helping her process her own feelings.

    Bedtime is another huge source of hysteria for her. Well, not so much bedtime, but the multiple night wakings accompanied by serious anger, screaming, refusing to go back to sleep, etc, etc. Again, I just lay there with her and attempt to find a bit of empathy within myself, but all I want is for her to stop with the shrieking, kicking, pinching, etc. (I say, "gentle, please" or "we don't hit", etc, and hold her hand or her legs if she doesn't stop).  

    I sound like a terrible mom, and I feel like one too sometimes. The thing is, this detachment is partially me protecting myself. I was raised with a very physically rough parent, and that is my instinctive first reaction. If I can detach, I don't even have the urge to be rough with dd. Waaaaaay easier than gritting my teeth and clenching my fists and willing myself to be gentle with her. To be clear, I have never, and will never hit her. We're talking about things like pulling her off of her brother a little more forcefully than necessary, or holding her hand tighter than needed to keep her from hitting. Definitely not something I'm proud of, and definitely something I appologize for and fight really, really hard not to do, but it does happen periodically.  

   I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm looking for ways to help her deal with her feelings in a positive way. Keeping in mind that I have another child and other responsibilities and I can't always drop everything and spend 30 minutes one on one with her. Also, any tips for dealing with my own emotions here. I don't think it's healthy to be so detached, but I also have absolutely no desire to be angry! I'm afraid I'm teaching my beautiful, stubborn, sensitive child that her emotions are not something her mama cares about. The last thing I want is for her to feel that I don't want to hear about her problems, or that I don't care that she's upset. I sometimes think she's ridiculous, but that's because I'm not two. Someday she'll be a preteen and a teen, and then a grown woman, with perfectly complex and logical problems and I want her to always feel that I'll listen and care, and I don't think we're headed down that path right now. So, help?!

[lifeguard]

I'm not sure except that I find myself doing much the same thing. Last night ds started a fit at my mil, he continued it all the way home (30 minutes) & then sat on the bed in dh's arms for another 30 minutes carrying on. I laid on the bed, thinking how the heck can I just leave? It was over nothing as far as I could tell & NOTHING would please him.

Tonight at the board meeting for my local children's drop-in we all discussed this so I know we're not alone.

I think there is a difference between feeling this way & acting on it. I WANT to leave the room & leave him to it but I stay & speak to him gently.

[lab]

My suggestion would be to take some alone time with your dd and fill her up.  Spend a couple of hours with just her, doting on her and meeting her every little need!  Perhaps if she is able to get her needs met then she might be more willing to 'leave you alone' later.

And for the record, I am all for kids needing to work it out on their own sometimes.  At two though - I'm not sure where that line is.  I'm sure you are able to detect when she is needy and wants you and those times where she is just trying to keep you from ds...  When you have multiple babies, very close in age, you simply cannot be there all of the time for every need.  It's impossible.  And you need to give yourself permission to not feel any guilt.

[Zimbah]

I don't have any advice but I have that same 'detached' feeling often when DD, 2.5, has a tantrum over something which is (to me) minor, like in your examples.  I generally just carry on with whatever I was doing - if she's having a screaming fit in the hall because she didn't want to come inside, then I continue on into the living room, get a drink etc and just leave her to it.  (not that I deliberately leave the room, just there's not much for me to do in the hall! If she has a tantrum in the living room I'll stay in the room and get on with something).  When she's like that I've found there's absolutely no point trying to talk to her.  I do offer her a cuddle every now and again (if it's a long tantrum) but really she just needs to get it out - and after all I don't want to give in to her every whim, she needs to learn there are boundaries.  I do sometimes worry that I'm a bad mother because I often feel like I 'don't care' when she's having a tantrum, but better that than me snapping at her.  When she's calmed down I offer a cuddle again, I never restrict cuddles, but I will stick to the original boundary that I've set.

If she hasn't yet hit the point of having less of a full-on meltdown I'll try naming her feelings - you are very angry! - but I'm not really sure where I'm going with that, just trying to let her know that there are words to describe it and I understand what she's 'telling' me.